AIBU to be upset my husband posted an unflattering birthday photo?

[SassyNavyHam]

I recently had a birthday and my best friend texted me and asked if I saw the post my husband made, so I checked it out and he used an absolutely mortifying picture of me sleeping with no makeup.

I felt hurt and confused and I just really couldn't understand why he would do that. I called him but he didn't pick up (at work) so I sent him a text with all of my feelings laid out. I told him he made me feel like I was a joke to him on a day he was supposed to be celebrating me.

When he got home he immediately became defensive. He said his brother does it to his wife. She is a very different person from me so I'm not sure why that matters. Also it might help that she is an actual 10/10 and probably doesn't have the same insecurities as me.

I asked him to delete the post and he did, but he was irritated. The next day he told me I take everything so seriously and he wishes I had a sense of humor. He recently traveled with his family (who he does not get along with) for a wedding and she he didn't want me to "take it the wrong way" but he felt very jealous of how his brother could joke with his wife.

To me my boundaries are my boundaries and I don't know what that has to do with his brother and his wife. I told him my boundaries are my own and my birthday isn't about his hurt feelings.

YANBU. Take a pic of him on the toilet and post that on his birthday.

He’s a prick.

You deserve better than him.

You have a good friend there who text you.
I would be disgusted if my DP did that. It's a horrible invasion of privacy and in such a vulnerable position.

He sounds like a ridiculous child and not a man.
Maybe his DB and girlfriend have a laugh because his DB knows how to BE funny! Seriously it has hints of the 'unpleasant' activity whilst women are in drugged sleep. Why does he feel it's funny to share a private moment and chuckle about his being demeaning...yuck, yuck, yuck. A joke is funny for both people.

Firstly for him to post it, he obviously didn’t think you looked bad. Rather than focusing on your insecurities, think about the love he has for you. To be fair to him, he deleted his post once he knew you were upset. Maybe a photo you hated, but he thought you looked beautiful?

It wasn’t that at all. He was trying to replicate what his brother would do with his wife. So he was posting it as a joke, to embarrass Op.

While she was sleeping she can't consent to a photo. Are you alright?

Doubtful. I think he posted a bad picture to humiliate her.

OP, firstly I would be annoyed too.

But - I do actually agree with this poster.
I think perhaps he doesn’t see anything ‘wrong’ in the way you look - and loves you as you are - so got irritated by your annoyance.

Are you projecting?

No, per her description - a crap picture of her sleeping, posted as a dubious joke.

Ask him what the joke is and what is funny about it.

It was a nasty trick to play on you and there is nothing jokey or funny about it

But why are you describing his brother's wife as a 10/10? She is a woman, not a cow in a cattle show. And her looks are actually irrelevant to what your H did to you. They can do what they like in their relationship. But you have every right to be angry at this dirty trick he played on you.

She is beautiful, just a fact. Her looks are somewhat relevant because he would like a woman more like her, but to be perfectly honest she would never look twice at him

No, he said he wanted OP to have a sense of humour, so it doesn’t sound like it was posted with a sentiment of “look how beautiful my wife is”. Which I still wouldn’t think was ok, given she was sleeping, but would at least have a defensible sentiment behind it.

Referring to a woman as a 10/ 10 is reducing her to less than human.

You are being extremely harsh on yourself comparing yourself so unfavourably to her.
Does he generally try to make you feel bad about about yourself because thats what it sounds like: the type of guy who needs to try and chip away at his partners self esteem.

But he defended himself by saying it was a joke

how is posting a beautiful photo a joke?

No this does not fly

There's an article in August's Marie Claire 'Why do Men Ruin your Birthday' ~ sorry I can't link. Have a look. Men ruining special occasions is A Thing. But we already knew this really, didn't we?

So sorry OP. You deserve better than the nasty pratt you married.

Ugh. He’s bringing his weird childhood issues with his brother that he doesn’t get on well with into his adult life. And using you on your birthday to do so. AND resenting you for calling him out on being unkind.

if it were a genuine joke that landed badly, and he loved and respected you, he wouldn’t get defensive or argue he didn’t have bad intentions. He’d care about the impact on you and be genuinely sorry for upsetting you on your birthday.

but he’s not sorry he upset you, in fact he doubled down and blamed you for his unhappiness in comparison with jealousy he feels about his brothers relationship.

would he be willing to talk it through with a third party in couples therapy?

My ex did this, he was also abusive in other ways.

He sounds like he has a very immature relationship with his brother and hasn't got over the childish wanting what he has, and to be the same.
If this is going to manifest as trying to copy his brothers relationship, despite you being an entirely different woman, then this photo is the tip of the iceberg of your problems.

Well I don’t think he did. My DH sometimes wants to post photos of me that I’d rather people didn’t see. Not because he’s a dick, because he genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. Not everything’s man does is to get at the wife. I’m sorry you have men around you that makes you feel like that tbh

I don't, so no need to be sorry. DH knows to check with me before posting anything, and I do him the same courtesy.