AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

[SassyNavyHam]

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

Not so sure I agree.
The OP has only told us what husband said, she hasn't told us what she feels is lacking in the marriage, for all anyone knows she could have said something hurtful about him. I don't think his thoughts are unreasonable, maybe he should of generalised instead of saying be more like the SIL, but I think he only means less nagging etc. OPs reaction was vile to be honest

I find it refreshing to read a post from a woman who, when faced with her husband behaving like an arse, gave as good as she got! So much better than seeing women being crushed by the casual cruelty of their 'partners'.

I hope you also pointed out that if he made enough money to get a housekeeper and a nanny, or if he pulled his weight in the home/did his share the first time he was asked, then you wouldn't need to 'nag'!

If her child was behaving badly, it's okay to put them in a time out. It's literally a few minutes out of a situation to calm down and think about behaviour - it's not like she smacked someone else's child.

This whole thing sounds totally toxic though and I'd want out of this relationship - your husband doesn't like you and thinks you are inferior, both to him and the sainted sil. He's a misogynist and mean.

It's neither healthy or normal to give timeouts. If a childminder was still giving timeouts then they're are significantly out of date with best practice. Timeouts have been shown to be harmful. Kids are not capable of "reflective thinking time" when punished with something unrelated to the crime. And certainly does not de-escalate. I'm shocked that there are parents out there using them.

Swinging for someone because they put your badly-behaved brat in a three minute timeout is deranged.

Fuck him, OP, he started it, he didn't like it back.

Do you want to save your marriage or just convince yourself that you were right?

You can be right and still be cruel. Marriages can’t survive cruelty. You can either get into the headspace to fix this, or you can carry on justifying what you said.

Comparing you to dear, sweet, warm, beautiful SIL was very wrong and tactless of him especially as she openly hates you so much. It shows he longs for something better, so in my view, YANBU.

But if you had invited him to talk honestly about his disappointments in your marriage before he started to compare you with SIL, then I guess you could say you kind of asked for it. He could have been much more thoughtful and tactful though. Pretty poor of him to hold her in such high regard given her nasty attitude towards you.
it seems you both certainly went in for the kill. And, of course, that was always going to end badly. How sad.

I hope you can both apologise and really both feel genuinely sorry for each setting out to deliberately hurt the other. And I hope you can sort it out.
You’ve ended in a much worse place than before you started the long talk. It’s so much more to unravel now. So maybe you will need to seek professional guidance on how to go about it.
Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

My childminder has never practiced this method and never would so you’re wrong there. You do not discipline other peoples kids this way you ask them to stop doing what’s they are doing and redirect you don’t sit them on time out and expect them to not grass you up to their parent who doesn’t use that method

So what are you like OP? You’ve said all the things that your DH said he admired about SIL, but are you someone who whines etc? Marriage certainly doesn’t seem healthy. With regards to looking after the 3yr old daughter, you clearly knew the background so why on earth you needed to give a 3yr old time out, a child that is not yours, was not a great call. Maybe add parenting classes to sorting out your marriage as well.

it might be he was deliberately trying to denigrate OP by comparing her to SIL. But I also think it is possible that he was trying to illustrate a relationship that looked like one he wanted to emulate/behaviour of one spouse towards another that he felt was nicer than what is happening in your relationship. So not about SIL in and of herself, but more how she behaves towards her husband. Not a great idea to compare your wife to another woman, I grant you- even less so a woman who appears to despise you both- but in some ways that makes it less likely to be about her personally- and more about how he sees his brother and SIL’s relationship, because he thinks it is better/more harmonious than the relationship between him and OP (and yes, who knows how they are behind closed doors, but that is not relevant to this). I think OP was not a hero to react the way she did, frankly. And I think the relationship should probably end once one partner holds the other in as much contempt as OP holds her husband in. I don’t think there is any way back from that.

Time out has been discredited and is not allowed to be used in many childcare settings as it can cause trauma for the child.. Even if you use it for your own child - you’d need to explain clearly beforehand what it is, and the timeout rule is one minute per year of their age. So 6 minutes for a 6 year old. But the child has to understand what you’re doing and why, and if they come and apologise then then time out is over. Having a guest child howling for 40 minutes is inexcusable. What planet are you on? The OP also didn’t say what the crime was. The niece could just have been going along with whatever the son did. Her parents were both abused as children and are admirably determined not to carry on that abuse, then come home to find their daighter sobbing after 40 minutes of neglect. I would be more than furious. The OP obviously doesn’t comprehend the severity of this - her thinking is very rigid, so suggesting a parenting course and couples therapy as a good way for her and her husband to gain an understanding of what is acceptable and what isn’t. And also salvage their marriage as it doesn’t sound like they want to break up. The BIL had ADHD so it’s not a huge leap to consider whether there is ND at play here, possibly for the OP as well, as their conversation path was somewhat unorthodox so couples therapy could also guide them. OP’s husband should also address with his brother having witnessed the abuse when they were children and how he felt powerless to help, as it’s a huge thing for his brother the fact that it is being mentioned now. The BIL doesn’t understand why his brother didn’t stand up for him. Maybe the OP’s husband could help heal that wound. OP and husband are not capable of a deep conversation it seems, as they descend into petty nitpicking and taking swipes at each other. They need a counsellor / therapist to guide them through a process to reach a level of understanding and hopefully to heal the wounds of the past and regain a relationship between brothers, and have the cousins be able to play again. The OP’s initial query should not have been about the quarrel with her DH, but about how to heal her family. That’s the elephant in the room.

How dare he compare you to anyone.

You haven't answered the questions though.
What do you say to a man who is awful enough to compare you in the first place, to ensure he 1. Listens and 2. Doesn't do it again?

You know, the casual comparing is hideous, no doubt the OP was expected to self reflect lol.
The stupidity of comparing her to someone who doesn't need to worry about everyday worries, why do you think he did that?

Climbing on the couch is very normal 3yo behaviour. If they're both trying to climb up somewhere it suggested they needed to do something physical, so you instead you ignored this and made them stay put - the opposite of having their needs met.
If a child is showing a need to move about, then you need to take them outside or find appropriate ways in which they need to move. A 3 year old climbing a sofa is expressing a need and astonishingly you have not been able to work that out 🤯.

I can quite clearly see and understand why or how she didn’t like you or doesn’t want you around her child and for me she is well within her rights. I have an niece and a nephew I would not dream of putting them in timeout I ask them to stop and often guide them away from what they are doing that they probably shouldn’t and I also do not change the way I tell them from whether their parents were there or not. No wonder they’ve gone no contact

and as for the real issue I’m totally seeing where your husband is coming from with the attitude and the sense that you have. He wants someone softer and you do not appear to be that you seem to be a bit better and angry.

Being abused as a child has nothing to do with styles or beliefs of discipline. They don’t agree with the style you chose so you don’t implement it onto their child. They aren’t even your actual biological family they are only thankfully for them related to you through marriage.

Either urgent marriage counselling or I think it’s time to end this relationship tbh, for both your sakes (and your son’s).

This isn’t what marriage is supposed to be like. You will break each other and your son will watch and learn.

So was this conversation all one way? He was telling you what he feels are you faults and what he’d like to change and you told him he was perfect?

It sounds like both of you are unhappy and envious of your BIL and SIL. And, I can see why she dislikes you both - I would, too.

How do either of you know all this about her if you only see them twice a year. How do you know she hates you and trashes you. You said she hates her in laws so presumably the rumours dont come from them. How does your DH know she doesnt whine or nag?

So he was fine when it was him comparing you to the sister in law but suddenly when you compare him to his brother it’s cruel? So he can dish it but not take it.

I agree with others here, doesn’t sound healthy, maybe some counselling could help you both and save the marriage before it gets even worse, or at least help end the marriage in a better way. Good luck

You literally have no idea what is going on with the other child mentally or emotionally and how they will react to your punishment. Sort your own child out but leave the other one out of it.

I would be furious if someone made my child cry for 40 minutes (OP also saying "it was not a long time", ffs)

I would do the same.

It's refreshing to hear a woman who can stand up for herself unlike most of the feeble wishy washy doormats on this site

The child is Three and was climbing on the sofa. Putting her in a timeout is bizarre rather than taking her outside. They have a need to move.

This

I think you'd do well to leave husband and his fragile male ego. And never think about his toxic family again. He got what he deserved.