AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

[SassyNavyHam]

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

Is this the same guy who posted a photograph of you sleeping and then said why can't you take a joke, like his brother's wife can?!

I can't decide which of you is more unreasonable. I think it might be you.

He's unreasonable and possibly misogynistic for comparing you to someone who isn't made to do the lion's share of the domestic tasks because she outsources it. And certainly nobody would nag if their partner pulled their weight.

BUT I think you crossed a line.

He's bang out of order for what he said but what he said could have been challenged in order to improve the relationship dynamic, especially as I assume this comparison is a recent snub towards you. This could have been worked on in marriage counselling or him educating himself (if willing) on the invisible labour women take on.

However, what you've said hasn't addressed what he's said, and instead is incredibly cruel. I pretty much always take the woman's side in these disputes, but I don't think there's any coming back from what you've said. Either you knew that when you said it and it's your way of ending the marriage, or you've let rip in the moment. Even with the latter, it is clear it's what you really think of him.

He's negatively compared your behaviour to hers, you've insulted and reduced his self-worth and core sense of who he is, his values, the way he looks, the person he is. Effectively stuff he can't change and stuff which will have been the case when you met him (better looking brother, that you're slumming it by being with him etc), which suggests you've always thought it.

It's like the difference between saying a child is being naughty Vs a child being told they are a naughty boy/girl.

Once you're separated you will forget about his criticisms of you. SiL will be a stranger.
I suspect what you've said of him will be something which deeply affects him forever.

Sounds like he's had this coming.
I would tell him that he can fuck off for himself and go try it on with her if he wants.

If he has been posting photos of you sleeping or whatever, that's really, really horrible.

Doesn't sound like there is much that can be salvaged here.
I'd be getting a divorce and he can fuck off and go chase his supermodel.
There's something wrong with him and he would no longer be my long term project to sort out.

Timeouts do not work, even for well-adjusted children, this is widely known and has been for some time.

I'm confused as to whether SiL is the survivor of child abuse or your niece?

Boundaries and consequences are the most effective methods of managing poor behaviour.
They need to be directly related to what rule has been broken. Timeouts generally are not a natural consequence to anything. I would have called her parents well before it got to 40 minutes of crying.

Disciplining other people's kids should be limited to safety/risk only. For example playing with fire, trying to run in a road, etc.
Anything beyond this needs to be outlined by the parents and the children need to know you have permission.
For example, close friends of mine have told their DC I have permission to tell them off should I need to (never have, apart from refereeing squabbles that go too far). I would know what their parents would see as appropriate and not assert myself in coming up with my own punishments.

If the behaviour was so poor that you could not cope so needed to cop out of parenting and just put them into blanket isolation, then her parents should have been called for guidance of how they'd like you to deal with it or collection.

Timeout isn't parenting. It teaches them nothing.

Oh God this is awful. Relationships should end when it gets to the stage where there is no respect. Some of the the things I'm reading here show such a deep level of disgust and complete lack of care for the other person.

Oh ok, fine for the nutter SIL to take a swing at OP, call her trash etc just because her kid got time out?
Guess that's not EXCESSIVE!

So why is it that childminders employ this method so much- to OTHER people's kids? Surely because it is recognized as a normal, healthy way to de escalate, also known as reflective, thinking time. The daughter didn't get hurt in any way, she sounds spoiled if anything and parents very OTT.

I'm not going to pretend it was the healthy option, but your DH sure had that coming.

Reading the update that she once took a swing at you makes it even worse.

I feel your relationship is dead in the water.
You’re no good for each other.

@SassyNavyHam

Well, let's just say I'm more on your side than his, if sides there must be. But yes, neither of you covered yourself in glory.

First off, how the fuck does he know how SiL is behind closed doors? Obvs she doesn't nag her DH in public, naturally she puts on her sweetest face and best behaviour when around others, who doesn't? But behind closed doors she could nag your BiL about 1000 different things that have nothing to do with housework, DiY, or childcare or anything else that most of us without staff 'nag' about. Chances are all he knows is what BiL tells him and who is going to air that dirty laundry to your 'golden' brother? So your H (not so D right now) was ignorant and foolish to use her as an example.

What you said was really not necessary, but I sure as hell understand why you said it. If he can compare you to a 'goddess', then you can compare him to a 'god' I guess.

But here's the thing, it's pretty obvious that your marriage isn't all rainbows and ponies. You (both of you) need to separately take a good hard look at your marriage, where it is now and where you want it to go. Then once each of you have figured that out, you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about your future together.

I think this is what her DH is saying about SIL not OP.

Why have you done 2 threads on this?

come on a 3 minute time out for a 3 year old is not abuse. That is absurd. I couldn't have predicted that the child would cry for 40 minutes, but she had never been left with anyone but a nanny before who had extremely specific instructions, and she had never been disciplined in any way before, so she was understandably confused

SIL was abused as a child and as a result she is terrified to discipline her daughter or tell her no. The time out was because she and my son continued to climb on the couch after being asked to stop, and I'm not going to put him in time out while she has no consequences. I understand it was extremely upsetting for her as she had never been disciplined before

yep😕

You don't sound as though you even like each other.

Comparing your partner to someone else (as opposed to saying 'i would like it of you did more of x/ less of y") is just a horrible thing to do.

You said your SIL would be “slumming it” by going with your husband because his brother is better than him? That’s a vicious thing to say, no matter how annoyed you were. You sound quite toxic.

no because my husband couldn't afford her lifestyle, the hired help, 2-3 international trips a year, the cartier jewelry she "collects"

Whilst I get that your hurt and upset, you have also lashed out pretty strongly and tried to hurt your husband in return with your words.
That's not healthy.

Maybe sit down and talk calmly but you both need to apologise to each other first.

I was thinking that too

Your DH was in the wrong for comparing you to your SIL. You were in the wrong for comparing his appearance and success to his brother. She may have overreacted, but you were in the wrong for putting her child in time out when this isn't something they do at home and you should have apologised for this.

I don't blame her. Her husband's telling her she's nowhere near as good as his brother's wife, in beauty or in personality. That's already unforgivable, but Mrs Perfect has a history of vicious insults to the pair of them and has ghosted OP's family. Like fuck would I be sitting there listening calmly to all that!

Added to which, it seems OP's comments are actually true - the brother is significantly better off, his wife has expensive tastes, she is not 'sweet and lovely' to them!

Honestly, @SassyNavyHam, I think you should consider setting him free to find a woman more to his liking. You should not be living with someone who trashes you so contemptuously. Has he always done this to you?

Doesn’t sound like your SIl has a reason to like you.

But also doesn’t sound you like your husband and vice versa. Really a messy situation. I would suggest counselling. Doesn’t sound like your family healthy communicates. Your kid/s will be influenced by this. Would try to model better relationships to and for them.

Her husband is an insecure immature idiot. From her posts maybe there trauma from his childhood or whatever but he seems to be in a weird competition with his brother via their reowetxiht wives.

Read this prior post from OP: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5577442-aibu-to-be-upset-my-husband-posted-an-unflattering-birthday-photo?postsby=SassyNavyHam

Having said the whole family seem very toxic and dysfunctional with each other so it's best to stay away from each other and OPa DH should definitely not be comparing her to his SIL especially with all the drama and history between them.

You really shouldn't have put SIL's daughter in time out for something as trivial as a 3-year old climbing onto the coach, no doubt following your son's lead, especially as you were aware of SIL's views on discipline and why she is like that due to past abuse. You knew that this was something that SIL felt really strongly about but you did it anyway.

Your husband is a dick though. His eulogy about how amazing your SIL is, even though she views him as well as you with utter contempt, was just designed to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself. He shouldn't have dished it out if he couldn't take it so I don't feel sorry for him when he had a taste of his own medicine.

I agree with posters that say that your marriage is toxic and you should probably make plans split up.

ETA I've just read your previous post about your DH taking and posting a very unflattering photo of you while you were asleep and posting it online and then moaning when you asked him to take it down. He seems to make a habit of comparing you unfavourably with your SIL and is obviously in competition with his brother. That he did it on your birthday is even worse. You really need to get rid of him as he's horrible.