AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

[SassyNavyHam]

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

He won't try that again, will he?

@SassyNavyHam , I don't think yabu at all. He needed reminding that you're both human beings with feelings; and being described as lesser than another is not nice for anyone.

Op,put that child in time out to prove a point .
She doesn’t like her BIL and the wife and she wanted something to feel superior about .
It as not as though she had the child on a regular basis and therefore would be comfortable ‘ disciplining ‘ her. She barely looked after the child , so there wasn’t any need to make an issue of her behaviour
The truth is that her BIL was treated badly as a child and his wife understandably holds some resentment towards her PIL and BIL.
Then to add insult to injury , Op put the daughter in time out . Now that may seem minor , but if you come from a background of abuse even something as innocuous as time out can be triggering
I suspect the problem is with Op and her husband who are very unhappy in the marriage.
They need to divorce and be done

@SassyNavyHam i think your marriage is at the end of its life.
Neither your dh nor you should have said what you said.
Both were extremely hurtful.

And yes he ‘started it’ and you snapped.
But you dropped down to his level and there was no need for it.

Im not getting into the whole SIL debate. In big part because I think both your SIL and you are not approaching things the right way.
And more to the point, it actually has no part in your argument with your dh.

This. It reads very much like she was listing his faults, he said something back she didn’t like and she’s kicked off

She swung at me because of a 3 minute time out. I wouldn't say that is not sweating the small stuff. I mean she let the kids have a water fight inside her house once, but she didn't have to clean it up so 😏The moment anyone makes her daughter the slightest bit unhappy that reasonable persona is out the window

Knowing that’s how she approached things, surely the last thing you want to do is put a child in time out?
Clearly
1- it wasn’t something the child would have ever done
2- it was likely to upset her dd

Im not saying your SIL has the right approach to parenting. Few people would be comfortable with a water fight in their living room (even though I’m now Wonderimg who she was having a water fight with 😁).
But it’s also clear that dealing with her dd like if she was your ds wasn’t going to work either.

We saw them more often for years before I put her daughter in time out and she swung at me/had to be dragged away. She cut contact after that

you wanted to feel superior like someone just said that’s the fact. You should never of put a child that IS NOT yours on a time out. What good did you think it would do because in my child if my sister did that she’d only remember you for that. You’re not normal and I’d swing at you too for thinking you could discipline my child who isn’t actually related to you in any sense the way you did. You clearly think you’re above everyone in real life and on mums net. So leave it out.

Yes, because she was abused growing up she is hyper vigilant when it comes to her DDs well-being. Whether that is correct or not doesn't really matter here. She doesn't have to be perfect, neither do you but you chose to do something that I think most parents who has had young kids in the last 2 decades frown upon doing towards their own child, let alone someone else's. Your SIL reacted very strongly towards that, but it's like you can't see why she would, even though you know her history and you know how she has chosen to bring her child up.

And I disagree, if a child misbehaves they need to experience the consequences as it happens and not hours later and if the child does not, how does that feel to the other kids that are there and may suffer the consequences, its one rule for them and another for the visiting child? I think not.

A paid babysitter is a different matter, you pay them they follow your rules. The parents made the parenting decision when they chose who to leave the child with, and in this case it was family and its a discussion they should have had with the OP before leaving the child there. If the parents did not have that discussion then they are governed by the household in which the child stays without their presence. In your example you stated your needs and the babysitter agreed, you both had a choice to decline the terms but in the OPs scenario, it was never discussed from the sounds of it. Its a parental fail and not the OP's fail and clearly from comments on here many agree with me.

We have no idea from the OPs post if she left the child to cry for 40 minutes without addressing it, she merely said the child cried for 40 minutes when given time out and not that she was left to it, and she didn't need to provide that detail because it wasn't relevant to the issue at hand. She was merely explaining what the issue was between her and her inlaws so such detail was irrelevant.

When you leave your child with someone - especially family - you’re choosing their judgement. If you want specific behavioural approaches, you need to say so beforehand as in your example. A short timeout is a normal, age‑appropriate consequence, and it’s reasonable for the OP to apply the same rules to all children in her home. The parents can’t object to a standard consequence they never said they didn’t want used and which the carer was not given an opportunity to decline.

But either way, this is not the issue at hand here, its the relationship between the OP and her husband.

Your marriage sounds toxic I'd end it ASAP

Decent people work alongside each other to work out difficult issues. OP's DH didn't though did he? He compared her to a woman who has far more help in the home than they have.
Why do you think he did that?
How do you think the OP should have responded to a man who thought that an appropriate thing to do in the first place?
He sure won't do it again will he?
Leaving them free to discuss things that are actually true in their relationship.
Good on her for shutting that down. It's a hideous thing to do and an incredibly common tactic to try and get women to take even more on.

The 3 minute time out is a distraction on here. SILs reaction to you with threatened violence is not a good reaction no matter how strongly she felt. That was unacceptable and hopefully you will continue no contact with her, your BIL and family.

Your husband is a problem as is his puzzling obsession with your SIL. You may have had a long chat with him but he didn't really listen or take your comments on board. If he had he would have stopped talking rubbish about SIL and realised pretty quickly how upsetting it was for you. Instead he persisted and kept pushing. He is clearly upset by his brother's success and instead of some self reflection he is deflecting to a comparison between you and SIL. His previous with the photo would also support that.
I do think you have reached a crossroads in your relationship and you will both need a complete change in attitude to your marriage and your expectations from each other. I'm not sure you can deal with this between you and think counselling both individually and separately would be a great help. Of course that depends on you both wanting to stay together and have a better relationship.

OP, its complicated.
If i was your SIL i wouldn't want to be near in laws that beat my husband and had a golden child.

I wouldn't want to be married to a golden child.
He's fxxked up.

I applaud you for telling him the home truths.
Golden balls hasn't ever probably ever heard them from anyone.

Hence he can dish the nasties but never take them.

Start thinking about your future away from this arsehole and planning for it.

Hahahaha yes girl! FAFO!! It’s laughable to me how many of these, short, fat, under achieving men that STILL get well looked after by their wives think they are in with a shot with these women. Mine hasn’t done it in real life but honestly they follow these women that could literally have their pick of men. But yes Dave, how did you know that what they really fancy is driving a 15 year old car, budgeting and listening to you fart 😂 all night.

I bet you also could most likely do ‘better’ than him. Why are they so stupid? Why don’t they understand that we could all look more polished, work out more, be more interesting because we had time for hobbies and actually want to have sex with them if they did their fair share and brought in the pennies. So many of them just want 50/50 financially. 90/10 in the home and with childcare and still expect us to look amazing and have an amazing attitude. Impossible!

I love this post so much!

The whole framing of the discussion was a bit weird, but stripped of the comparison to a particular woman, it sort-of boils down to:

Him: I want to be treated better.

You: You don’t deserve it - that’s for better men than you.

(in the sense that that was what he heard and what hurt him)

You had a fight. You both used whatever weapons came to hand. It’s futile to analyse them too closely. If you both want to make up, do so. Or not.

in the sense that that was what he heard

What's your point?

Him: I'd rather be married to my sister-in-law.

OP: She wouldn't have you. And you're married to me.

In leaving out the comparison to the SIL, you've concealed OP's reason for reacting as she did.

Tell him she is an angel because her husband has given her heaven. You can be too if you have the same heaven.

Everyone in this post sounds deeply unpleasant and uncaring. If you sow the wind, you will reap the whirlwind, OP.