AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

[SassyNavyHam]

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

So how did BIL get so rich but not your DH? And it seems a different culture?

I'm such a bad person...i read your post and felt a bit of glee! Your put down was soo good - you put him firmly in his place!!! Sounds like he deserved it!

However from a marriage perspective, you need to be fighting to save the relationship. But easier said than done!

Complete rubbish.

Looks and success are just about what you have,

Temperament and personality are about who you are, If someone said to me, ‘oh so and so is prettier than you’ it might hurt but I could see it’s the objective truth. If they said, ‘so and so is much more fun and kinder than you’ that would destroy me because I couldn’t become a different person and it’s about who I am.

And the DH is being completely unfair for starting this conversation. Why be so cruel. The OP just retaliated which is not surprising when she’s being compared unfavourably to someone who treats her like a PoS. Anyone would be triggered by that.

Whenever I’ve been unfavourably compared to another woman by a partner it’s always been proven to be a terrible relationship. No one who loves and respects you does this OP.

Why does she have to fight for the relationship? I’d say he does if anyone.

He went into investment banking and ended up a hedge fund manager. My husband has a normal mid level management job

Tell him that making comparisons is simply not on, it achieves nothing and is ridiculous. If he does it again during a conversation, count how many times. It is obviously a habit.

Then make him see that comparing you to someone, however gorgeous she may be, who considers his family trash and won't allow her child to play with yours, shows she is actually not a very nice person and not enviable.

I doubt he will do it again but you do need to sort out your difficulties.

Neither of you have covered yourself in glory by the sound of it TBH.
To be fair she sounds like she is at the end of her tether. I think most people would eventually snap after continually listening to that.

It's not her "problem " that she can afford housekeeper and nanny - I'm pretty sure you would like to have a help too.
You sound like you're jealous of her.
But your husband shouldn't compare you both if you have very different lifestyles and financial situation.
Concentrate on your marriage and it's issues, not someone's wife.

When did I say it was a problem? I think it is ridiculous that he views her not nagging his brother as some moral superiority. What would she nag him about? She doesn't have to clean up after him, worry about dinner every night. Of course she is easy going

You don't know her personality, you concentrating on completely materialistic things. She might have a housekeeper and nanny but have health issues, old parents for example. If you have money it doesn't mean you're always happy or don't have other issues.
I was rich more than 10 years ago, I had a housekeeper and meals delivered to my door. But I was not happy, believe me. I had lots of arguments and drama going in my life.

Again I never said that. I said she had no reason to nag her husband

@MoodyMargaret11 good answer . Some of these posts explain why there are so many badly behaved entitled children about ( see the recent post by a teacher about her reception children) A short time out is not child abuse !

Having read some of your posts, I'm starting to come around to her way of thinking...

Your husband was the golden child, but now his brother is the golden adult and he feels cheated - he feels he was promised and deserves what his brother has. But of course, SIL wouldn't be that paragon of perfection if she was married to your husband.

This is TOWIE meets Abigail’s Party. Everyone involved sounds ghastly.

I think DH got everything he deserved.

But you need to get away from all of them. And be nicer to visiting 3 yr olds.

Sounds like you and your DH have some deeply rooted inferiority complex, and the people you would both like to be are his brother and his wife. It also sounds like your DH is the root of it and he is just making it trickle down to you to alleviate some of his own insecurities. You seem angry with sil for being level headed, beautiful, funny and warm, and your envy causes you to be further from all those things. Your DH is only making it worse of course by comparing you unfavourably to her. He’s gone from being the golden child to the less desirable, which is messing with his self-worth. One way of restoring his confidence is to drag you down so that you feel like you are punching, being with him.

Both brothers come from an abusive home, one (the one who suffered the most) has managed work through it and found a life partner who has suffered the same. They seem to have communication and emotional maturity in common and have found a healthy way to be a family. The other brother hasn’t worked through it, probably because he wasn’t the main target, and his relationships are suffering because of it. Don’t let him put that burden on you though, he needs to sort out his own issues.

You took it too far. If my DH said what yours did I'd be upset but It would prompt a conversation and hopefully we could work on things and improve the marriage. If he said what you said the relationship would be damaged beyond repair.

You seem angry with sil for being level headed, beautiful, funny and warm, and your envy causes you to be further from all those thing

Don’t be ridiculous, she sounds like Hyacinth Bucket.

You sound really vicious and defensive. He was using her as a metaphor for what could work better by way of attitude. You rightfully find that laughable in some respects as she has a housekeeper etc but to then say you’ll call her up, she has the better looking brother etc etc. nasty…..

I struggle to feel sympathy for anyone in this. You all sound awful

And what of his own attitude? It stinks.

In what way?

She was described as: She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesn't nag his brother. She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine.

is it because she has money? It’s perfectly possible to be a rich person and still be all those things. Or is it because she has a less punitive parenting style? That I’d say is quite understandable given she was abused as a child.

You both sound toxic.
You need to change things and de stress your household.

Make a list of things your DH wants to improve.
Decide whether you both agree and decide which of you will do more in each important area. Pat each other on the back when you
make improvements.

Puting a guest child in time out is not appropriate.

She’s the very definition of Lady Muck. She treats her in laws as if they were “trash”. Targets DH for not protecting her DH from their parents when there’s nothing a child can do about abusive parents. Doesn’t discipline her child and kicks off if anyone else does. Even tried to swing at OP.

Of course she’s nice to BIL she’s got fuck all else to do and he’s her golden goose.

1. The things he was saying were not ok. Really hurtful. It’s fine to ask you to do things differently but it’s not ok to say ‘why can’t you be more like her’
2. You are right. Of course she doesn’t nag - there is no function to ‘nagging’ when everything is done by paid help. Nagging would also lose its function if men just pulled their weight domestically.
3. I understand why you snapped and gave him a taste of his own medicine but I think you took it too far.
4. You don’t put someone else’s kid in a time out. The days of time outs being a normal parenting intervention are long gone. And 40 minutes distress is awful. I can see why age was upset but again, she shouldn’t have tried to hit you.

I think you are a women on the edge. I feel empathy for you but I also think you need some counselling. Your H treats you like crap. This is not a healthy marriage. It seems like there is a lot of emotional dysregulation in your family and that’s not good for children. I’d really urge you to seek some help so that you can set healthy boundaries for yourself and your children.