AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

[SassyNavyHam]

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

I would absolutely snap, how can he compare you to someone he doesn't even know. Makes no sense!!

Neither of you have covered yourself in glory by the sound of it TBH.

Well
done you 🥰

anyone can have a great life and not ‘nag’ (loathsome misogynistic word) if they have a ton of staff to run their life

Honestly speaking, this doesn't sound like a healthy, happy marriage.

I think the marriage is over

He shouldn’t have compared but this doesn’t sound healthy at all.

Im confused you said she is sweet and lovely then in the next paragraph she doesn't like you, calks you trash and wont let you in the house?! This is all very bizarre

Good for you!

I think this is what OP's DH thinks about her, not OP

I do think what you said was harsh.

She is very sweet and lovey with her husband and daughter and seems nice enough to everyone else. She absolutely hates my husband and I. Those were his descriptions though of how he apparently sees her

Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

Did you actually say that to him or just think it?

He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable

That's really sad and if you did say all of the above, I think it's much worse than good 'comparing'. You compared him to his brother in looks and financial success - my DH would not forgive me if I did that.

I think your DH was probably using her positive traits as a recent example of someone you both know, rather than thinking she's more wonderful than any other woman including you. But it's not very sensitive if he knows you hate each other.

Ultimately sounds like there are big issues in your marriage and I suggest you get professional help or separate rather than hurting each other constantly.

That’s quite the repost x

I would call that “putting him on his arse”

My friends wife did this to him once and it absolutely shook him to the core and they are very much still married and the issue that it involved has never been mentioned since.

Hope it works out for you .

I did say it. The positive things he listed about her are true enough, but this woman he is describing so positively tells everyone I am trash, he is a pos, we are bad parents. She treats us like he are the absolute scum of the earth

Even your description of the long talk and fight, it sounded like it was going to end up with both of you offloading too much. He was an idiot but we’ve all done the x’s dh does this and this or x’s husband took her to this or that. She’s probably listening to the same from his brother!!!!

You both sound like you despise each other.

He’s used her to put you down.
You've used her to put him down.
If he can’t take it he shouldn’t be doling it out.

Ultimately your marriage is fucked

@SassyNavyHam why does she think you’re trash?

She thinks my in laws are trash because they beat her husband a lot growing up for ADHD behaviors and dyslexia. I do not disagree with her, but she seems to think my husband who is two years older than him was supposed to do something and stop their parents. She feels my husband was the golden child (he was but he never asked for it) and that he bullied his brother (they bullied each other) and that now that he has money everyone wants some.

She tolerated us but clearly didn't like us and then there was an incident with her daughter. She was also abused as a child and her and BIL are extremely overprotective. We were watching their daughter (which i know was extremely hard for her) and she got put in time out (along with my son) My niece was confused by this because she has never been disciplined before and she cried the rest of the evening (only about 40 minutes until her mom came) When SIL heard she lost her mind. She didn't listen to anyone else's version of events and she actually tried to swing at me and BIL had to drag her out. Since then we are not allowed in her house or to have any direct contact with her child.

I can see how being compared to anyone, especially someone who doesn't like either of you very hard to swallow, I can see why you got cross. He really should think before he speaks and at least take it on the chin when you react.

Perhaps draw a line in the sand now, hopefully husband got the message that comparing you to others is not a good idea. Sounds like you do both have issues going forward, I do hope you can working things out.

What I do find telling is the age old thing about nagging and you saying she has a cleaner etc. There's a very very simple way to stop people nagging over housework etc - and that's to get off their backside and do it, then they don't get (reminded) nagged, everyone happier.

Yikes you were vicious. Can either of you come back from what the other said?

you don’t put someone else’s kid in time out. And 40 minutes crying is unforgivable. You need to sort out 1. your parenting, 2. How you treat other people’s kids 3. Apologise to her and your bil for abusing their child and 4. Sort out your relationship with your husband as that bitter sniping is seriously unhealthy.
can you do a parenting course together and have some couples therapy? And do apologise to them, and to your niece. And your son!

This is so many shades of fucked up its hard to know where to start OP. Apologies for being so blunt, but no healthy marriage with a small problem starts with 'this is what I am missing in a partner' conversation. That's different to asking your real life partner to change some habits. Your husband sounds misogynistic (she doesn't whine or nag? Does he not realise that that might mean she has nothing to 'whine or nag' about and that the level of nagging is usually equal to the level of men not doing ahit they're meant to do?

You both sound like you don't really want to be married to the other. Or that your husband has some weird fetishism around your sister in law.

Do you want to try ans work on things?

Putting a visiting child in time out is excessive. I hope you apologised.

As for the rest, your marriage sounds dangerously close to collapse.

His comparing you to her is a bit on the batshit side given how bad you claim the relationship is between you all.

But your response to him is like taking a gun to a snowball fight.

Is there anything left to save?