AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

He’s being very honest
He regrets your child and maybe you
Relationship therapy asap with uncertain outcome
Sorry

What a selfish, immature excuse for a man he sounds.

It doesn't sound as though he cares two hoots for his own child or for you OP. Just himself.

I think where you go from here is get back into the employment field and think about ending your relationship. And make sure he pays his financial contribution for his poor child that he can't be bothered spending time with.

@Ange1502 no one is forcing him to stay. Pack his bag and send him on his merry way.

You can claim benefits and also get help with rent/mortgage plus you’ll get child benefit and child maintenance from your DH.

I wouldn’t recommend this lifestyle forever. You should aim to go back to work at some stage.

I actually respect him being honest with his feelings, providing he isn’t being a dick about it.

is he depressed? Does he need counselling or meds? He should start with a gp.

But if he is being awful about it then show him the door.

You’re only being unreasonable if you receive this information and do nothing with it. Your DH has been honest, and you need to act on what he’s told you, or he will probably act unilaterally.

Your marriage is in trouble and you need to prioritize fixing it if you want to stay married.

Maybe he’s an immature dickhead and you don’t want to be married to him, or maybe he’s struggling and wants to make things better. Counseling would be my first port of call to clarify which applies.

My DH has shared similar feelings in the past, it feels terrible to hear so sympathies OP! Things are better now he’s on depression meds and the kids are a bit so he feels more connected to them. He still finds the house not being tidy tricky but he just has to suck that up because kids have toys/crafts/general mess

Ah, it's great he's being honest enough with his feelings that he can ethically check out of raising the kid he just fathered

He's the one who's struggling but he just gets to say awful things to and about his wife and child and the OP should be the only one trying to fix it?

It sounds as though he needs to book himself some counseling to help him work out how to stop being so unpleasant to be around.

That isn’t what the op has described. He sounds like there is more going on.

you’ve been snarky back to me but I’ve clearly caveated that it is good if he is being honest and not being a dick…if he is being a dock I’ve made it clear that is not ok.

Why can’t we ever accept that sometimes men are having a hard time with their mental health, we need to allow them to open up about things.

Ex husband and I used to joke about wanting to break a leg and staying in hospital, to have a break from the kids.

I think that would have gone down like a fart in a lift on here 😅

As for what your partner says, in all honesty, it depends how chaotic and disorganised things are when he gets home.

Sounds like about 60 percent of the way to a divorce to me. There’s a big difference between finding early parenthood challenging and actually wanting to check out of it most of the time.

Hurt should be the least of your emotions….do you want him around? Does he step up to be a Dad when he does eventually roll his ass in to the house? He’s behaving like an absolute c**t and treat him like one. Ask him what he wants as an alternative . I’m raging on your behalf!

He'll be deserting you soon. I'm sorry. Get lots of evidence of his neglect/abuse and don't hesitate to tell people the facts when he leaves, as he will monster you and start the script very soon, if he isn't doing so already.

He's probably already met somebody new, men don't usually desert their families till they have somewhere new to lodge their cock. But if not, he's in the planning stages.

Make sure you look into all your finances very carefully, check his devices and do whatever you have to do to make it easier when you have to get a lawyer.

Your biggest obstacle right now will be changing your mindset to see this as clearly as I can. Try reading extensively on Chump Lady dot com, it will help to prepare you for what's coming.

Kind of agree

Knowing where you stand is a privilege in life

But, kindly, your relationship is over x

I am absolutely sick to death of reading threads about self centred selfish men, who don’t want children or families yet get married and impregnate women to then mentally check out and flip these women’s and children’s lives upside down.

I’m so so sorry OP. No. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, and the fact you’ve had to ask makes me feel sad and equally angry. What a dickhead.

Having children means you won’t have much peace and quiet for the next 18+ years. Was he on board with having children with you?

If he dreads coming home so much I would tell him to fuck off and find another home.

I’d be off like a shot! With my DC. Asshole.

What a triggered him to say this, what is the context? Were you arguing and he said it to really hurt you or was he being brutally honest with you because he’s not coping?

Mothers come on the forum on the regular and openly say they cannot stand being a parent, and the majority reply with kindness signposting them to their GP.

Why can’t we do the same for men? If they speak the truth their ‘selfish, lazy dick heads!. Is it any wonder male suicide rates are so high.

Cherchez la femme!

I know I’m not the only woman here that has sat in my car, sobbing, wishing to run away, to be almost physically unable to go inside the house. It was horrible, the worst days of my life

and if I had told my husband this and he had acted like some of the folks here. Well, I probably wouldn’t be here.

instead he listened, and loved me, and helped me find the help I needed.

maybe your husband is a dick like those married to the wonderful ladies above. Or maybe he needs some help and you can support the person you love.

Gosh I dread often about running away I think if this was a woman comments would be very different and would say the husband isnt helping and supporting enough

He’s being very honest, but it’s also a very immature attitude.

I think you need a talk, where you point out that of course it’s hard, the early years generally are, but this is where you lay the foundation for the long term. And he needs to suck it up a bit and get stuck in to building the best relationship with DC that he possibly can.

Was the baby planned, OP? Did he share hopes and dreams about a child before you had him/her, that you could talk about and work towards?

also, do you both get a reasonable amount of time to socialise, on your own and as a couple? Are you working too?

Imagine telling a depressed woman to stop being immature and to suck it up and get stuck in.

We’d all like to come home to peace and quiet and to chill out. That isn’t possible with a small child in the mix. It’s also not possible as an adult with a home to run, there are always things that need to be done.

I’d need more information from him to know how to move forward. Is there something making him feel overwhelmed, how are things at work - it can be very hard being the sole earner, is he feeling under pressure? Is he sulking because has can’t fall in the door from work and game all night?

I think if you try to dig underneath what he’s saying, you’ll know better whether he needs support, needs to grow up or needs to fuck off.

Because usually mothers are the primary carer. They leave or delay their careers to look after their children. They are parenting 24/7. Night feeds, wake ups, breakfast, lunch, dinner, breast feeding, GP appointments, school run, nursery run, activities, play groups, shopping, cleaning, laundry.

New mother’s bodies go through a catastrophic hormonal change. It can take up to a year or longer to get back to normal.

That is why mothers on here are met with kindness urged to seek GP help. Because they are exhausted from doing everything. There are so many example threads you can see for yourself.

OP’s husband isn’t being met with kindness because he is being verbally abusive to the OP and doing fuck all parenting.

What a nasty pos he is.