AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

I agree, but it could also be a lack of connection between two knackered adults not dealing well with a massive life change and becoming more distant with each other wich does not help the child if it wasn't an issue. I am sure Karen Gurney would not have felt the need to write a book on it!

From one post, we can't tell who the DP is other than he's unhappy and has brought it up could be coercive, although this word, like many others, is being diminished with overuse could be brave and honest, as @Boreded said, and already got a sharp reply.

I know there's Dadsnet, but sadly if me and boredad were both there (which I am), the ops partner would not be posting cause a lot of blokes just don't, which is why we're more likely to hang from trees when we're depressed rather than talk about it

Yes I think there’s definitely a mismatch of men who want kids but not the responsibility of being a father.
Kids and a wife ✅ father and a husband ❌

Evidence for what? Firstly divorce is no fault now and secondly why would op bother with all that crap. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship he should leave and I'd be encouraging him to.
With the information he has given her, I think I'd want him gone.

Get back to work op and enjoy being single, your little one won't thrive in that atmosphere.

Did he want a child ?
Was he looking forward to family life?
I’m asking to try to understand if this is a temporary state of mind or fundamentally who he is.
If family life is intolerable for him there’s only going to be one outcome but if he is overwhelmed or depressed he needs support .
I wouldn’t be throwing my whole marriage away over this .

you bin him, hes checked out anyway, whats the poing of living with someone that doesnt like you?

100% agree

OP gets to parent the child all day and the man who has been away at work comes home and moans that he doesn’t want to see them, he hates their life and would rather be at work. He dumps this in OP’s lap. And he’s miserable to be around on his days off. Or did other people miss this?

What is HE doing about it? His only solution is to spend more time at work. Enough with expecting women to fix men’s problems and emotions. She’s already doing enough.

He is being honest rather than sneaky.

2 is a horrid age. Not much fun and a lot of hard work. It should get better with time and he can enjoy parenthood. But sadly you have to go through that to get to the nicer ages.

I'm sorry, OP. That is so hurtful. I would leave. Your child deserves better. They would be far better off with an absent father than a father who resents them and hates being around them. That will damage their self esteem for life.

Some men just aren't cut out to be "available" to others, and it sounds like he's one of them. Instead they want to do what they want, when they want and to have no responsibilities to burden them.

And they won't change.

He is voicing what oh so many men feel, as men - like women - are woefully unprepared for what having a child actually entails. We are swallowed up whole in service of this new addition to the family, requiring 24/7 attention, with our needs and sense of selves taking a backseat, often lost for decades. At the same time, the male partner often finds themselves deprioritised and feeling relegated to a utility. Neither partner is truly prepared, which sets relationships up for failure. Perhaps if it were better covered in school, it would help reduce this.

Yes, you are entitled to feel hurt.
My DP used to come home late when my eldest was little. Turns out he was that walking cliche and had spent 40 minutes sitting in his car listening to music before he walked through the door.
He was a man child because at the time I was ebf with all my kids so it did not impact on his job. He was the "breadwinner" so needed his sleep.
It did get better as the kids gots older but he was never that good at doing anything proactive with them on his own and work was often given as the reason. Nothing left in the tank, social battery gone etc
But we had issues with shared chores even before kids. 🚩 right there. I had to draw up a rota stating who did what and even then he'd drive me mad by completing his with one minute to midnight.
We all need downtime. Kids are hard work. It comes down to context. How much pressure does he feel being the sole earner if you are a SAHM. How physically knackered are you both? Are you shouting "Catch!" and giving him the two year old to bath etc as soon as he's back? Does he have sensory overload? (although you can be ND and still be a selfish twat so it's no excuse). Can or do you carve out time for the pair of you when little one is asleep? Is there intimacy? Is he depressed or just disinterested? Have you talked of a split? Has he even got time for an affair?

My advice fwiw:

1. Do not have any more children with this man. If that's a deal-breaker, get out now
2. Try a new routine which means you both have some time for yourselves at certain points in the week where noone makes demands on the other
3. Get out with the little one so they tire sooner or possibly be out at swimming a couple of nights so he comes back to an empty house
4. Don't jump on him straight away as soon as he's back/or look, daddy's home! big fuss made. Energy match.
5. Go for ease for both of you - anything which causes fewer demands on you both. Namely, convenience meals or takeaway unless you love cooking, a dishwasher if you don't have one, hire a cleaner, get a roomba. If he's checking out himself, he at least he can use part of his salary to help you. If he is financially abusive, get out now.
6. Talk honestly about what you both need and want for the future without getting into the resentment of who does what.
7. If he cannot or will not share chores, share lie-ins, share feelings, share family time then get out.

Only you know what his good points are and why you fell for him in the first place. Good luck love 💐🍀

I would be hurt by this, parenting is supposed to be a team, he just wants to check out.

Parenting a 2 year old all day is hard. Not having a second between work and taking over is hard. Could you agree a schedule where he takes over at 530(say) so if he rushes home he would have longer(!) to decompress/shower etc. and in return he gives you time to decompress before bedtime (so you go upstairs to relax/shower at 530)?

He’s expressing it all very badly and seems to be seeking to blame you. But it sounds like he feels burnt out? Maybe a conversation where you plan out how you both get time to yourself is a good idea? And then plan in any couples time?

YNBU to feel hurt but you would both be very unreasonable to focus only on your own feelings and not try and fix this. Is it simply that his expectations are unrealistic and, frankly, selfish? Or with you as the primary caregiver does he not feel confident parenting? Does he feel like a passenger on a runaway noisy out of control train when he gets home after a day if feeling competent and in control at work? Dio you have an evening routine decided by both of you? Does he still look forward to time with just you? Does he have any time on his own with your DC doing fun things? It's good he is being open but he can't just vent and expect you to fix this. If there is any positive future for his relationships with you and his DC he needs to do some serious soul searching about what is difficult and what he can do differently. And you may need to make changes toi

Get rid of him. He will pretend to the world he is a family man based on your efforts.

If you want to feel you tried everything, then suggest he see a doctor for depression.

Or he may be having an affair and training you to accept being home very little.

I think I would start looking for a job to ensure I had options, I would be asking him to get whatever support he needs, I would be telling him that I appreciate his honesty however he too wanted a child (presumably) and he doesn’t get to be a total ‘prick’ about parenting.

If he gets support and recognises something isn’t right- perhaps he is stressed or low - then I would probably look to move forward, but if he doesn’t want to do that I wouldn’t see a future.

No you're not being unreasonable to find this hurtful. But you need to work with him ASAP & discuss what's going on, then try and work on it together.

Expect the conversation to get very broad - into avenues like can you collectively reduce spending so he can start working 4 days a week to give him some life breathing space, how you can spend more time together as a couple etc. that sort of thing.

This can't be solved by you just telling him you struggle too, he's just being unreasonable and has to do better. The opposite result lies down that path.

Thats ridiculous to say but at least hes being honest. Do you both get an equal amount of time to yourselves? We plan who does bedtimes each week so we get an equal number of evenings “off”.
It blows my mind another woman being SAHM and not married. You have zero protection if you split which sounds likely, and no income of your own.

Depends...going from a demanding, draining job to a demanding home (sometimes toddlers are like that!) can be hard.

I used to try and make sure I wasn't going in the door wrecked and starving. So get something to eat after work etc. Because a toddler doesn't understand "wait 30 minutes so I can eat". Or go for a walk to get some head space...sit in the car on the drive but that was risky as they would come out to you. And sometimes you didn't get 5 minutes spare to do any of that.

Don't know if that's what your dp means or if he's just being a dick.

Uanbu to feel hurt about it. I would never tell them I don't want to see them, I'd tell them I just need a bit of headspace to unwind.

Well this relationship is over.

I felt like this too. The baby and toddler years are tough. If I wanted to stay with the person I would have a really good talk with them - what are the issues and what can we both do to make it better. Some options:

Get a better and less chaotic routine in place; both be on the same page in how to parent the child and be consistent together; how can we both carve out time for ourselves; what support do we both need.

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. Our daughter was planned, we had 2 miscarriages prior. We are both in 30s.

The conversation last night wasn’t an argument or anything, he was miserable when he came home and barely said 2 words so I asked him what was wrong and that’s when he said all of the above, it wasn’t in an argument or said to hurt me.

I understand he’s tired etc, I have multiple times suggested I go back to work to take the pressure off him financially but he doesn’t want to pay for nursery costs. He does very little when he gets home, he either comes home and goes into the room and falls asleep, or he’ll just sit on his phone most of the nignt like he won’t do dinner, bath time or bed time or any sort of housework really. I find it hard as I feel like I always suffer as a result of it because I don’t ever stop or get a break or he doesn’t take over when he gets home in any capacity. So it’s draining for me sometimes being “on” all the time and then he’s coming home miserable, not helping and it’s basically impossible for him to even have a general conversation with me.

I've felt the same when my DH has been home with kids. I was coming home to chaos and a stressed and grumpy DH. I'd be having palpations as I got closer to home. I love my family but it was hard walking in to that after a hard day at work. This might not be the circumstances you and your family are in so what worked for me may be irrelevant.
Talking to my DH did help the situation, he stopped offloading to me as soon as I entered the house and started keeping on top of the housework more. I also didn't feel that way after the children had been in childcare, picking them up from there and going home to the house as I left it in the morning was manageable, neither of us were stressed and could split cooking, cleaning and bathtime. Maybe going back to work could help for your family. 2 year olds are relentless, you may find it easier being at work.

I’ve felt this too. I’ve also looked ahead, in winter mainly, and the dismal days of softplay and screaming (rinse and repeat) and wondered whether I’m the only one who wants to curl up into a ball and cry.

me and my husband both felt downtrodden at times. We found that booking some fun things (centerparcs, farm trip) and a couples night (dinner/date/ lunch etc) as well as a personal trip out (meeting friends for coffee!) really helped me look forward to the future!

Tough. He chose parenthood so he needs to step up and parent.