AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

There’s not one bit of that post that indicates he does no parenting. It says how he feels, that he hopes he gets stuck in traffic, that he dreads coming home. Not one part says I don’t know why he’s tired, he’s verbally abusive and does fuck all. You have just assumed that because OP has given not one bit of context to the conversation to indicate if this was said through tears with his head in his hands at the dining room table or whilst slamming the door on his way to yet another night out till 2am whilst shagging about.

Men are often not met with understanding and kindness, which is why they are found hanging from trees in parks.

This automatic mind set that all men who are not coping are simply selfish bastards needs to change if we are ever going to see a reduction in suicide rates and make depression.

Are you married, Op? Really hope so as you are a SAHM. It's really hard to know from your post whether your partner is depressed or a wanker or both. More info is needed as others have said.

Why does this man deserve to be met with understanding and kindness?

He is telling his wife “I dread coming home to you”. Sorry but how the fuck is that not abusive?

He is telling his wife he would rather “chill out” and wants “peace and quiet”. That implies he has no interest in family life or interest in his child. These aren’t comments from a struggling and depressed man, these are comments from a self-centred selfish man.

The fact the OP has started a thread about this implies these aren’t one off comments.

And let’s hope you work in men’s mental health or volunteer in the sector for the ones genuinely struggling and needing support since you keep referring to them “hanging in parks”.

Especially from mothers of boys.

you are not the perfect mother, you will raise flawed and loved men. And some day people will be talking about their pain, and you will want them to be supported - held accountable for sure, but supported.

I once told my husband that I dreaded coming home.

I don’t think that was abusive and I don’t know why you think you would’ve known if it was. But I’m so very thankful that my husband met my despair with understanding and kindness.

I do work with many, many men with mental health issues. Mostly when they’ve tried to commit suicide, or very sadly, with their families when they’ve been successful. Far more men than women.

It’s a terrible, misunderstood and unforgiving world for mentally unwell men. It devastates families and livelihoods at the blink of an eye. So I feel I have ample experience to speak in a full and frank manner about it.

You again have made lots of assumptions from one unspecific post. What a great social experiment this could be regarding people’s comprehension and mental health.

I can only assume I was quoted mistakenly with this reply as it makes no sense.

Two year olds can be draining. When mothers post on here saying that they’re finding the toddler stage difficult and that they cant wait fur bedtime they are given understanding and support. Yet when a man feels the same way it must be because they are selfish, regret their child and want to leave.

Most people would want to relax after a day at work. It is not unusual.

You're on the wrong thread, that's not what he said. At all.

He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime.

He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Hope this helps.

This is the problem with people having children because it’s expected or because of family pressure or without thinking it through and I’m not saying this is the case with OP and I’m commenting just from my own recent experience but I don’t think it’s a unique one.

I never wanted children and made it clear from the start before I even went on a date with a man. They all agreed they were happy with this but after months or even years down the line I realised they expected me to change my mind.

I was happily married - or so I thought, we had money in the bank, travelled, had good jobs and lots of free time.
My husband was from a culture where it’s expected to have children and faced constant pressure from his family so started trying to persuade me to have children.
I knew he wouldn’t enjoy being a parent and the changes in our lifestyle and I’d be expected to do everything but he was fixated on the idea so we split up.

My ex husband has two children now and hates being a father and begged me to take him back. I refused and said he made the choice to have his children and it wasn’t fair to just walk away but he still regularly gets in contact telling me how he regrets his decision.

I met someone else and we had 10 happy years before he decided that he was missing out and it wasn’t natural that we didn’t have kids when most of the men he knows do.
It absolutely destroyed me but we split up because he was convinced he was missing out and he quickly met someone younger and she was pregnant within months.

It’s the same story and he now regrets it and is miserable and said he hates going home to a chaotic house with an exhausted partner who rightly wants him to pull his weight.

Two of my friends have ended up as single parents because they wanted kids and their husbands blindly went along with it and then resented the attention the kids got and how their lives changed.

I know I’m likely projecting and I know lots of men have children because they want them and they are committed family men.
The problem is with the men who make a life changing decision without really thinking about if it’s what they really want.

It’s so much easier for men to just walk away or say they have changed their mind and it’s often not expected because they seem so keen to start with.
The really sad thing is a lot of men walk away then have children with another partner to make them happy and then are a shit dad to multiple children.

I don’t think there is anything you can do if a man is unhappy with how his life has turned out and the choices he’s made. Things might improve but it must be frustrating and heartbreaking if they lead you into thinking they want a family then seem desperate to escape it.
Hopefully in OP’s case it’s just a bad patch and things can we worked on a maybe it’s something talking and antidepressants will fix.

There is lots of recent discussions about women choosing to be childfree and going against expectations but I never hear similar about men feeling pressured into it. I think it’s important that men should give more thought into if they really want children or not and it might save a lot of heartbreak in the future and save a lot of women from being forced to raise children alone.
Even if their husbands or partners don’t leave, a lot still don’t pull their weight or check out of family life and duties so this could be avoided with more consideration.

It’s a shame you can’t do a trial week having children to see what it’s really like. I think anyone considering it should be given one of those dolls they used to use in schools that cry constantly unless you meet their needs and keep you up all night. My ex had never even held a baby so didn’t have a clue how hard it would be.
Unfortunately most people don’t but women have a lot stronger bond with their children and don’t have the choice to just walk away and it’s unfair they would be judged so much harder then a man if they did.

Even if he is struggling I don’t think that’s an excuse to be nasty about it. Repeatedly.

He’s pushing it all on to OP and their child ‘he dreads coming home to them’’he doesn’t look forward to seeing them’ rather than acknowledging the fact this is a ‘him’ problem - that he clearly hates being a dad and thinking about how he is going to handle that.

Maybe he’s not cut out for it, maybe he needs some support, maybe he is depressed, maybe he needs to learn parenting strategies- but what is he actually going to do about all of his complaints?

It seems that despite not wanting to be around OP, he also wants her to solve his problems?

Maybe OP is also struggling in hearing her partner and father of her child say these things. I think most people would be gutted.

This.

OP called him her partner and there's no other indication that they are married.

Where does it say he said it nastily or repeatedly? He might of said it threw tears feeling dreadful about all these awful thoughts invading his mind against his better judgement? The post doesn’t give any context.

It doesn’t say he ‘hates’ being a Dad, nor that he didn’t acknowledge it was a him problem. It didn’t say he had no plan nor any suggestion of what he was going to do about it. Maybe his first step was sitting his partner in life down and saying Christ I’m having awful thoughts and I don’t know where they are coming from. I’m absolutely miserable and irritated and my brain is so god damn noisey home life is and toddler noise is tipping me over the edge- help! I hope to god my husband would. There was no information given about the bulk of the conversation at all.

It didn’t say he wanted her to solve his problems. He could of said I’m going through this door and never coming back whilst flicking her the V’s and going out drinking and taking cocaine all night not giving two flying fucks just because he’s an absolute horror. He might not want her in his life whatsoever.

We don’t know, because they didn’t say and looks like they never will. It’s all assumed.

Who knows.

Yes, exactly.

And OP''s comment: "He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work."

Means that he's making his feelings OP's problem, adding to her own burden, rather than solving the problem for hinself. That's immature, and selfish, because he expects OP to mummy him too.

He sounds like he resents his kid, probably because now he's not the centre of OP's attention anymore.

There should be no mercy for these self centred male brats. They get pandered to enough in life and it always falls on a woman to do the heavy emotional and mental labour to keep these infantile men happy.

Good greif, this thread has been a light bulb moment for me. How very very sad.

Sounds like he is either depressed, or a selfish ungrateful idiot.....he needs to count his blessings....there are men out there who have lost a partner child or even both (such as that poor man who lost his whole family in the boxing day house fire) who would give anything to come home to a family.
I would be reminding that, and if he still behaves arrogantly, seriously consider whether the relationship is worth continuing.....or if it's depression he needs to agree to seek help.This will impact your child as they get older, and likely make them feel rejected and unwanted by him.

I would ask him what he hopes to achieve by telling you this. It's fine and normal to bring up feeling overwhelmed, but he should be able to articulate what the main issues are and what he thinks could help - for example, if he has a very high energy job with few breaks plus a stressful commute, he may need some time to "decompress" alone after work rather than opening the door and immediately bing in full dad-and-partner mode. Or if he feels pressure to bring work home, or is on call in the evenings, he may need a more private and quiet place to handle work responsibilities when they come up. No one can guess what he needs so he has to tell you and then the two of you can see what accommodations and compromises work.

From what you have said, though, the only solution he has offered is for him to spend more time at work/not come home. This isn't feasible because his employer likely will not allow him to live at the office, and even if he could it would likely not be the best place for him to establish an independent household where he has custody of a 2 year old 50% of the time. You might also try asking him, if he is so upset being in that atmosphere in the evenings and on weekends, how does he think YOU feel being in it full time? You're both parents, neither of you can opt out, so time to talk it out honestly but realistically and figure out how to share the load equitably and build in some down time and pressure releases that work for each of you.

"My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight" so he has been vocal about his feelings repeatedly, before getting particularly nasty tonight.

He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime.

H’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work."

We all think horrible things from time to time. He can learn to shut the fuck up instead of being verbally abusive to the mother of his child and treating them both like they are annoyances.

And yes, it is definitely repeatedly that he's saying these horrible things.

But he's planning to desert them anyway, almost certainly.

He is being honest.
Hire a baby sitter once a fortnight and go out as adults.
Have DH see his Gp and admit his depressed state.

Agree with DH that life with a 2 year old is noisy, messy and challenging.

Brain storm together to find some solutions to make 5 oclock until bedtime more restful for the wĥole house hold...

DH batch cooks some meals on weekend.
DC has outdoor play every afternoon while you have a half hour of speed tidy.
DC is bathed by DH ten minutes after he gets home.
You all eat dinner together before DC becomes over tired.

DH puts DC to bed after a story every night at 7:00pm.
Get into habit of some adult time together and some adult time alone each night.
Set up one space in your home that is child free, tidy and restful.

I think he is, in fact, planning to opt out.

He's being a cunt.

"My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight" so he has been vocal about his feelings repeatedly, before getting particularly nasty tonight.

He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime.

H’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work."

So, even if she did have the bandwidth to jolly along, organise and parent her adult child into doing his job as a parent, he's a cunt on his days off too, which doesn't bode well for him choosing to do his job as a parent, however much she tries to stretch her face into a rictus grin and organise him.

It's tricky to cheerlead a cunt into not being a cunt, even when you are not already a parent who has to look after a small child.

I feel for him. I felt this way a lot when my child was small. I often thought 'what have i done?', felt really depressed at the relentlessness of early parenthood and the permanence of the situation. Thankfully things have changed as my child has got older and fortunately I have a supportive partner who helped me through that time.

I'm shocked at people telling you to leave him. This would be a very different story if it were a woman feeling this way.

Did you verbally abuse the living shit out of your partner every day? Tell them you hate being there and make their life miserable? On your days off mope around make their life a misery? Make it clear you felt your kid and your partner were nothing but a nuisance?

If so, I feel for your partner.

And no, it wouldn't. He's an abusive cunt, and he's likely planning to desert them anyway.

If she was being an abusive cunt, I'd tell her to stop doing that too, and so would everyone else.

I was co ing on to say the same thing.

This is exactly what my ex did so he looked like the victim.

He had been having an affair.