AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

This thread is disgusting. He's clearly depressed and you're all harping on about abuse which isn't even happening, calling him a cunt and making him out to be scum of the earth. Shame on you all.

Lots of women don't want to go home after work either. Having a year old is hard and he is clearly miserable, he doesn't even want to be with you anymore he just wants to be alone. Huge alarm bells, without help he will either become more depressed/burnt out and have a mental health crisis or just leave. He needs help and for you to do whatever you can to make home less shit until he is better able to cope and his depression is under control. I promise you if you just go on a rant about how selfish he is and tell him to shut the fuck up and get on with it like people here are suggesting he will just be another male suicide or another absent father and will leave. Help him.

You're being disgusting. OP is clearly depressed and being verbally abused and left alone to parent you're pretending that's ok because you've decided, on no evidence at all, that a lazy, selfish cunt of a man who enjoys work and functions perfectly well but is choosing to verbally abuse and degrade his family on a repeating loop, even on his days off work - is depressed.

What a cunt he is.

Wow. Ever thought about becoming a Samaritan?

And the winner of the most dreary and pointless response of the year goes to.....you 😘

This doesn't sound like depression though:

'He is constantly on his phone and it goes everywhere with him, he’s pretty withdrawn from me and we don’t slepe in the same bed either, so it would be pretty easy for him to hide things. He also goes to the bathroom multiple times a day and sometimes spends like 40 mins at a. Time in there not showering etc. now I’m just not sure what to think?'

The secrecy, the protection of his phone, not sleeping in the same bed as OP and spending hours in the bathroom on his phone point more to him having an affair than having clinical depression. That would make him an absolute cunt.

I am very sympathetic to OP and her miserable situation. In an attempt to be constructive I was suggesting possible reasons if he has depression, rather than the automatic LTB thing initially. It must be worth checking out this possibility first. In case you are not aware, depression flattens every impulse to be active and dynamic in the ways you suggest he should be. They are all great things he could be doing, but IF he is depressed, he won't be capable of thinking straight or having the energy to do them. 😞

I'd like to cut out and frame the first six paragraphs of this - absolutely brilliant! 👏

I totally agree but the problem with the mad as hell, not gonna take it anymore! is that, more often than not, you do still end up with it all because once you have a child with a manchild, the buck effectively stops with you.

"I do not accept to be treated badly. I do not accept to do all the mental and emotional relational work. I do not accept that my partner does not pull his weight domestically, because that is stealing my time and energy. I do not accept that I do all the childcare, because they are his children too..."

💯
But then you separate/get divorced and end up doing all the childcare anyway. It's too late by then if you have unfortunately ended up with a deadbeat dad for your kids. You cannot force them into stepping up, sharing custody or taking an active role in their children's lives. Sure, they're missing out, but the problem remains you will inevitably end up primary caregiver or lone parent, which is no picnic in the park - albeit still better than having a husband to parent as well.

We need to be alerting our daughters to be on the lookout for 🚩 before they embark on motherhood and we need to be teaching our sons how to be upstanders and proactive partners. As it is, the OP is parenting alone right now but financially vulnerable so needs to get her 🦆 in a row before she ends up totally shafted.

💐I am sorry you are in this position, OP. xx

You are being very angry and aggressive on this thread. There is no evidence of abuse. Telling someone you don't want to come home to them or even that you don't like them is not abuse. This has been pointed out to you several times but you're still angrily frothing about it. Get a grip.

Having lived with a family member with severe depression for many years during my childhood and adolescence, and having been depressed myself at various points of my life, I do have some knowledge of depression. And sympathy with people who suffer it.

IF he is depressed, he won't be capable of thinking straight or having the energy to do them.
Well he ihas the energy to go to work alright hasnt he?

You and the other op on the thread have been quick to diagnose this man with depression and in effect, excuse his behaviour. I don't think he is depressed because otherwise I don't see how he is not only coping with his job but is enthusiastic enough about it to want to spend all his time working. In my experience depression doesn't work like that. If he was truly depressed then it would affect his capacity for work.

And if he has the self awareness to moan on to OP about not wanting to be a father or a partner then he must have the awareness to talk to her about worrying out what they do about things. But apparently all he is doing is continually moaning and undermining his partner.

Personally I think it sounds as though he has checked out of the family situation and it wouldn't surprise me at all if he has his eye on better options for himself.

If he really is depressed as all his apologists on this thread insist then he owes it to his child and to OP to see help. But i wouldn't hold my breath

Yep. This. Poor little soul.

Your response is very angry and aggressive.

He's being a cunt and making his wife miserable through choice and there is nothing, at all, to suggest otherwise.

Get a grip.

HTH.

As I said in my first response, he's looking at better options. He's functioning perfectly well and showing no signs of depression at all, he's just being verbally abusive to you - repeatedly and on the weekends too - as he's preparing to desert you. He'll be monstering you soon, telling a tale of how awful you are to ease his path, look into the script.

If he hasn't got someone else lined up, he's looking into it.

I am sorry OP, check into your finances and talk to a lawyer.

I'm sorry he's choosing to be such a selfish cunt.

Sorry, double post, it didn't post and then it did!

Oh, and being verbally abusive to people isn't a sign of depression. Unless you're a man, according to some bootlickers. Then you can do or say anything you like, while still functioning perfectly well in all other areas, and call it depression.

They'd send you home as soon as they'd plaster casted you anyway!

It'd have to be some kind of serious infection needing you on a drip

Indeed. And I used to daydream regularly about being in an accident to escape parental duties and endless chores and running around when my kids were young and everything was full on. Just something short term where I could get to be in hospital for a week or two.

I have realised this is a standard daydream of many mothers, used to think it was just me.

But I still never, ever, ever, told anybody I hated them, hated being there, didn't want to be there, or moped around verbally abusing any of them on a repeating loop, of course.

The evidence that he might be having an affair is really stacking up here, OP.

If you have ever read it or heard about The Script this is sounding a lot like it.
Often when people (men usually) are having an affair & feel guilty about it they rationalise it in their head by blaming the partner they are cheating on and creating a narrative about how awful their life with that partner is.
The fact that your partner is saying unkind things to you, is secretive about his phone, isn't intimate with you is all looking like he might be having an affair.

I would spend less time getting sidetracked by the "maybe he is depressed" idea and start to think about what your life without him might look like.
You could suggest couples counselling and see what he says - you might get to the real crux of what is going on with a third party mediating the conversation but he might not be keen.

I'm afraid I am less likely to believe he's depressed as he seems perfectly able to go to work & function there, in fact, he wants to be there more than at home.
I think he has checked out of family life because it's not what he expected and is planning to leave with or without another partner.
You are in a horrible, scary place right now but you need to think about you and your children. Confide in someone you can trust and start planning towards a future without this man.

Standing ovation from me!

I've decided I'm done with men. All the ones I've had romantic relationships with have been shite, last but not least was DS's dad. Now I have to raise DS to be the opposite of those shite men. (Or at least try to.)

Please do that!

I still see lots of friends & colleagues raise their sons to be "little princes" - running around after them, excusing their behaviour, treating them differently to daughters.

In my circle of friends, the kids who are messing about with no job, dropped out of college or generally not functioning well as young adults are all young men. And their parents excuse it, don't seem to push them, give them money to lounge around on etc
Meanwhile the young women we know are all out there getting on with it.

Purely anecdotal of course & maybe just me but in this era of renewed toxic masculinity we really need to be taking care over how we raise boys,.

I wonder if this causes the divide. I’m really not done with men, my husband is great, we have been together over 23 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, infact great big fuck of mountains. Both had brushes with mental health and admitted unsavoury things, especially about home life and parenting. Why wouldn’t I, he’s my best friend? The one I can say it to without judgement, and him me. Neither of us called each other lazy selfish cunts- we helped fix each other. I didn’t see it as him abusing me? He was honest, raw. Marriage can be at times.

OP has massively drip fed regarding the phone, disappearing, state of marriage etc. But off the original post all I see is a great sadness that can be fixed.

The caveat being you need to both want to.

If the patriarchy hurts men then surely that is men hurting each other?

Yes you both have to want to which doesn't sound like the situation here.

This sounds like one person has checked out of the marriage.
It's very sad for the person stil prepared to make an effort but it does happen.

TBH, at this point does it matter? I'm not treating the possibility of an affair lightly if that's what you mean by 'something going on'. But the fact is that he has checked out of family life and made it clear to you that he doesn't want to be there or to be an involved father and a caring partner.

Given that you are not going to change him, what do you want going forward?

I certainly did not "diagnose" him with depression. I suggested it could be a possibility, and even put IF in captal letters. His behaviour could indicate a depressive illness, and it is worth checking that out before leaping to conclusions about his personality or possible motivations as you have done. You may well be right, but don't misquote other people to make your own points - which are just as speculatve anyway.