AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

⬆️ this. Plus selfish and avoidant. I feel for the OP as he isn’t giving her enough support or engagement by the sounds of things. Toddlers are full on and it sounds like he doesn’t do that much with them anyway. He should count himself lucky; my husband and l have toddler twins plus l work so my husband has to get stuck in. There’s nowhere to hide in our set up

In OP’s shoes then l would be suggesting they BOTH get more down time and quality couple time where realistic. Whether the relationship carries on or not he needed to engage more with his partner and child

If the house is chaotic and there is no food when he gets home, then he just needs to get stuck in and start tidying up or making food or take the children out to the park, or whatever will help the situation and his wife in the moment.
This is not the 1950s

Where is OP’s decompression time?

I know right. Only thing missing is a suggestion OP puts a nice dress on and some lipstick!

This. He's a selfish immature waste of space.

Grant him his wish and kick him out. You will be much happier, and you can prevent your child being permanently damaged by his loathsome attitude.

It's because men use violence to communicate distress, that's why its more successful. There isn't any hand wringing about the many many more women who overdose and aren't offered support.

I don’t understand your point? What do you mean about hand wringing for the women?

We should be hand wringing about mental health support in general.

You say your child was planned, but did you not discuss what having a child together actually looked like?

Like have an honest talk about how much of your own time would be non existant for years, what chores would be expected to be shared, what the actual toll on you both would look like?

Is he not living up to the split of care you decided, or did you not do the real talking and sort that all out first?

“Wouldn’t we all mate, now SUCK IT THE FUCK UP AND BE A PARENT”

Because there is concern for the men but no concern for women, despite womens needs being greater

I’m not saying he’s not depressed, I don’t know this man. But I don’t see how his responses/ behaviour scream ‘poor mental health’ rather than maybe he just doesn’t like being a dad, finds it draining and it’s not what he thought it would be?

Practically OP are you able to access any free nursery hours if you got a part-time job? It’s not reasonable for him to unilaterally decide ‘no nursery’ when he’s not pulling his weight with parenting or the house.

Who and where is it said there is no concern for women? Or is that an opinion?

You are in a very vulnerable position here, being a stay at home mum and not married with a partner who is making noises about being unhappy. Would advise you to go back to work, even if you're not left with much from your salary after nursery fees, being economically active is going to be much better for you in the event of a split.

OP, saw your update; you absolutely must must get a job. Nursery fees are not that much with the funded hours - two days nursery barely costs us anything. It’s not negotiable