AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

Tbh with my eldest id far rather have been at work that ah home with her. Days off wee counting down the time until I was back at work with adult company to speak to rather than a whining demanding baby / toddler

I feel like that myself sometimes op! I sometimes stay at work late and pick kids up at the last minute so it’s less time to parent when I get home - I feel absolutely awful about that though!

are you both getting to do some things for yourself at all?

I’ve started to skip at least 2 bedtimes of 2&5 year old each week and husband has too - we go gym or out with a friend / cinema or soemthing - anything to not be in the house battling bed time

as a result we feel so much better about everything / parenting / having better time at home

i hate the bedtime battle it’s so shit - who likes it really.

He wants OP to do it all and is being an arsehole to her so that she does. How is this not abusive???

Nothing worse than doing a shift at work and then having to look after an SEN kid when you are tired from work. Walking around Tesco is more attractive.

Do you? I certainly don’t. He regrets the family he created? Poor thing.

Yes, I'd be hurt. Did he say this in the context of a row over his lack of involvement or did he just blurt it out? I think you need to have a sit down together discussion and find out when/why he started feeling this way. Are you having a particularly difficult time with your toddler? Is he coming home to a fractious 2 year old and a burnt out, exhausted partner who just wants him to take over and give her some peace? I will admit that there were times when my children were babies that I couldn't wait for my DH to walk through the door so I could hand him the baby and have 5 minutes peace! But it wasn't every day and I would generally have a tidy up before he came home, have a meal ready and have bathed and fed the baby so he could have a cuddle and a play and do bedtime. Are you spending ages trying to get little one to bed, are you having any time together in the evening?

What he's said is obviously hurtful and needs talking about. If he genuinely wants a different life then what is he going to do to achieve that? You need to know where you stand, so don't be passive in this. If he wants to leave, there's no value in trying to get him to stay - it will only cause you more heartache. If you're going to be a single parent, there are things that need sorting out - where to live, finances, childcare and work. It's daunting at first but so much better than living with someone who doesn't want to be there.

Is this behaviour a recent change? Was your husband like this when you were pregnant or when your child was a baby? Has your husband parented at all with your child in the last 2 years? I mean that as in...night feeds, getting up in the night to settle, got your child up in the morning, bedtime, spent time with your child on his own etc? Does your husband help at all in the home with chores?

What about coming home does your husband dislike? The fact your toddler is full of beans, messy house, you not having time for him or something else?

Is your husband's job stressful? Is the commute home a long one? Is the commute home stressful due to traffic?

Yes, your husband is being honest but what solutions does he suggest? Or is he telling you this, expecting you to resolve his issues?!! He books a GP appointment for a start and looks at therapy to work through exactly what's going on in his head.

He says he wants to come home and have peace and quiet. Well, I'm afraid that's not going to happen with a toddler in the house, and he's being unrealistic. The best scenario is that he goes upstairs, and spends 10-15 minutes decompressing once he's home. After that you expect a fully engaged adult to appear, ready to be a parent and husband.

If your husband isn't enjoying being a Dad, and regrets having a child, then why is that? Toddlers are hard work, but as they become older it's easier. You can't force him to be a parent or a husband and if that's not what he wants, then you need to end your marriage.

Sympathies OP. My partner can often be like this in the week. He is just grumpy and tired after work and finds it very hard to handle when the kids act up at bedtime. I’ve stopped including him or relying on him for bedtime routines because of it. Everytime he tries to bathe my son it ends catastrophically. The weekends are better. I can’t say I’m fond of the situation.

Like many other posters have pointed out, many men (and women) were not born to be parents. Sadly, many only realise by the time the child is born... Thus, too late.

You primary focus here should not be feeling sad but working out how you are going to support yourself and your son when your husband leaves you. He clearly hates being a Father and family life and regrets it. These men don’t stay around for ever. At some point they work out how to minimize the divorce and maintenance pay outs and leave.

You need a hyper focus on how to secure your financial future. The job market is brutal at the moment. Sorry to be harsh, but that needs to be your main focus not how you feel.

I gather from the OP's post that they aren't married

As she is a SAHM she is in a very vulnerable position.

I am absolutely sick to death of reading threads about self centred selfish men, who don’t want children or families yet get married and impregnate women to then mentally check out and flip these women’s and children’s lives upside down.

Or who just impregnate women without getting married. I get frustrated by these threads as well and threads from women desperate to have babies with unwilling partners.

I wouldn't immediately end the relationship OP. Maybe there needs to be a talk about what is going on?

Is this a child you both wanted? I see lots of families where they look like they are having the shitist time, like they had a child because they didn't know what else to do. Lots of blokes, rightly or wrongly, feel massively pushed out by a child, and some also struggle with the sleepless nights, especially if he has a hard manual job.

I know lots of guys who, to their partners and everyone around, look like good, hard-working family men but are potentially less honest about how they feel than your partner, and they work all hours god sends, including weekends, and the money is good buys holidays and nice things and masks that they'd rather not be at home (my Dad), which is incredibly sad. and can lead to regret (my dad)

Also, the million-dollar question and I await the pile-on: are you having sex you both enjoy? Unfortunately for all I've said, the heart of a moany man problem can be this!

Ask him what would make it better?

Firsty, I’m very sorry you’re going through this, what an awful feeling that must be for you. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong in telling you but what he needs to do is say how this can be fixed. For me, that couldn’t be fixed, you deserve peace and that now wouldn’t include him. It’s okay to regret the choices you made I am the sort of person that sticks with things if I chose them because it isn’t the other persons fault I don’t enjoy what we planned together but some people aren’t like that (your OH) What does he need in order to not feel this way? He has to tell you if you both want to stay in the relationship. If I were you I would ask him to leave, I don’t personally think he will improve. 2 is tricky but it isn’t the hardest age and one child shouldn’t be this difficult to deal with. What if you decide you want more children? He almost certainly wouldn’t cope with that. Also, if you’re not careful all you’ll be doing is trying to keep him happy, what about you? You deserve happiness, it might just not look the way you planned.

Exactly.

He has a child and needs to act like a father, not expect the OP to do everything while he just 'chills out'.

Frankly OP I would tell him that if this is how he feel he should not bother coming home.

You will be better off without someone that can't be a decent father and partner.

I am amazed at some of the replies on this threads and how some people seem to think it is your job to also bend over backwards to make this lazy, entitled man feel better about himself. Raise your standards people...

So……this miserable excuse doesn’t do bath time, read to his child, ask what you’ve both done in the day, looked at the child’s drawings, hugged you as he walked in the door, helped with the washing-up after dinner, brought a bottle of wine home to share with you, bring you flowers……….I could go on all morning but suffice to say…….he is not worthy of you OP. Call time and walk away……he clearly doesn’t want to be with you and DD.

I’m a woman and was a sahm for a while.

i used to fucking dread the long days with my toddlers. I did it because they needed me and because that was what me and my husband had agreed but fuck they were hard.

i’d have completely understood if my husband dreaded coming home - toddler bedtime can be chaotic and challenging.

me dreading the long days wasn’t because I hated my husband or was having an affair (when the fuck would I have had the time?) toddlers can just be exhausting.

Depends. The 1 time we were child free of an evening in 8 years we both sat on the sofa savouring the silence and making terrible comments about how we'd missed the quiet. Then went and got our kids and carried on.

We often have chats about how we'd be able to drop everything and go do xyz back ont he day. We say it with solidarity and one expectation of understanding that we're tired and stressed.

However if he genuinely means he hates his life, tell him calmly, that's fine, you don't look forward to these statements so if he wants to he is welcome to go and fine his peace.

I agree with all of this and, now that our children are of marriageable and reproduction age as are their peers, the way young men think about women and what women are for is frighteningly obvious. Lots of young men do not enjoy the company of women unless the women are going along with the men's preferred activities. I hear young men complaining that they can't find a girlfriend who wants to ride motorbikes/go kitesurfing/go boxing AND also do his laundry/housework/catering. So much for equality! Women got the memo but men didn't it would seem.

Did he want a child? What did he think it was going to be like?

What a dick.

Was it a planned pregnancy? Did you both want to have a baby?

His behaviour is unreasonable and very cruel. It sounds as though he has no love for his child at all.

If I were you, I'd be trying to go back to work as it sounds as though your marriage is in real trouble and he is on the verge of leaving. You should also consult a solicitor to see what you would be entitled to if he does leave.

Look, I fully dreaded coming home from work and weekends when my twins were two years old. It was stressful in so many ways and I did not enjoy parenting at that age at all. I openly shared this with my DH because I was struggling with that stage – not because I didn’t love them or regretted my choices, it was just really bloody hard. Work was a place where I was good at what I did, I had answers to difficult questions and could fix things, I felt at peace and got to sit in a quiet office with lovely colleagues. Parenting two year olds was confusing, upsetting and stressful.

This needs to be a bigger conversation than just him saying he feels that way and you feeling hurt. What’s precisely hard for him? How is your 2yr old generally with behaviour and sleep?

Sometimes I used to walk along the road and think about stepping out in front of a car so I didn’t have to go home. He’s not a dick for finding this hard but it sounds like he’s being a dick in how he is managing his feelings. You made a child together and now he needs to make the best of it. Moaning and taking no positive action won’t help him enjoy his life more, it’ll make it worse and it’s not fair on you.

is there anything he enjoys doing with your child? Would he benefit from time alone with them? I know it sounds counterintuitive but some 1 to 1 time might help him bond?

How cruel and childish. Please dont feel bad. If you can you need to end the marriage. You and your child deserve better .