AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

The content of what he has said is nasty, whether he said it calmly, through gritted teeth, tears or screamed it at the top of his lungs.

‘My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight.’

This, and other sentences suggest this is not a one off - ‘hateS’ i.e. not a one off - ‘particularly vocal’ i.e. has been vocal before. This is where I got repeatedly from.

Its not a huge leap to say that someone who openly says they hate coming home and spending time with their child hates being a parent and what it entails.

She’s said specifically a number of negative comments that he’s made. Maybe he has said ones along the lines of ‘Christ I’m not coping’ as you suggest, but I’m going on what she’s shared here so far.

He hasn’t explicitly said he wants her to solve his problems but what is she actually supposed to do with this information? Say ‘ok, dear’ and crack on with making dinner like he’s not said all this horrible stuff?

He’s complained repeatedly about (what he perceives as) problem after problem - a running commentary of everything he hates but is doing nothing about it.

At what point does he need to take ownership of the fact he hates everything and do something about it?

I am not unempathetic about someone struggling with parenting or life but that person does have to take some responsibility for trying to help themselves and how they can manage to live with a situation they created, without verbally lashing out at those around them.

I can see you’re trying to give her partner the benefit of the doubt - and yes it sounds like he is finding is finding things tough but finding parenting hard isn’t a get out of jail free card to being horrible to your family.

I think the main issue is that he's lumping you and the toddler chaos together:
He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us
Is this a direct quote?

I think it is normal and understandable to dread the noise and chaos and crying of a toddler after a long day at work.

But ideally you and he should be a team, "gosh isn't this hard".

But I'm wondering if it isn't a direct quote and if you are taking it personally against you rather than against the situation.

I've seen this among SAHMs I know, rightly or wrongly, when the dh is exasperated by mess or noise or the children's behaviour, the SAHM sees this as criticism of her rather than the situation.

I dont think op is coming back?

Tell him to frig off then. If he said that to me, he'd have a bag packed waiting for him the next evening and told to go. Don't let anyone tell you they don't want you twice.

You are in dangerous waters as far as your relationship goes but you have a chance to change things if you think he is worth it - and only you know this, not strangers on a forum.
He has expressed his feelings so now you know but he owes you the respect of trying to find a solution now. So you need to sit down together and discuss the situation.

What he has said sounds cruel and upsetting but you have a child together so you have to find some way of continuing to parent that child - either together or as co-parents.
Don't let this slide,you need to talk to him asap to work out where you both want to go from here.

You need to seek support from family and return to work.
It's only a matter of time before he is gone.
He sounds absolutely awful.

How long are you together?
Was the child planned?
What is your housing situation?
Can you return to work?

Difficult to know for sure without more context.
Are you are walking on egg shells in your own home because his behaviour is so shit.
Or has the relationship been good until recently and he has had a brutally honest conversation with you.
If the latter, I think being able to talk your partner is important. Keeping things bottled up does no one any favours.
Perhaps op will post with more information, so everyone can stop guessing.

You need to get a job OP, he will likely leave you at some point, as per PP is he depressed, stressed? Is the role of sole financial provider too much for him? Or he could just be an arsehole?

Agree with this. I read on here about a man encouraging his wife to keep the twins she was carrying (they already had four kids) and walk out on her and the kids when they were born, because HE was struggling. Makes me sick. My ex was very shocked when I got pregnant, because he wasn't planning on being a father at that stage in his life (despite the fact he knew I'm of child bearing age.)

It makes it a bit easier because I semi knew I was going to be a single mum, but I don't get to just ignore DS when I've been struggling, so why men get a free pass is beyond me.

It’s not just men who feel and act like this though. It is also women. Women genuinely feel like this sometimes in the early years of parenthood. The issue here is how he is articulating it and them as a couple not sitting down to talk about a solution.

Realistically, it’s impossible to know what being a parent is like until you do it.

No seems to be how most threads go right now.

We both felt like this when we had toddlers - you don’t have to love parenting babies and toddlers to want a family in the long run.

However, since we both worked it was not a one sided thing. We both would rather have been at work!

We will have to agree to disagree.

Mostly because the poster hasn’t shared any context with regards to the conversation whatsoever, so nobody knows and it doesn’t look like they are coming back to tell us!

She posted at midnight, she's probably just been sleeping and doing the morning routine.

I agree that both sexes have a problem and are certainly contributing to the falling birth rate in the Western world. Women no longer have to accept what they once did. An example is the hobbies that men once had; my friend's dad didn't miss his team's games home and away (possibly even abroad) for years while his mum spent weekends with the kids. Had a hilarious tale of missing the birth of one of his children due to it.

You see on here how golf or a strong commitment to sports are now a red flag to some women, and rightly so. Along with the long hours, my dad also played rugby every weekend and squash on week nights. My wife just would not have accepted that our free time is as equal as we can make it.

I've enjoyed having my kids every bit think I might have rubbed off on my dad, as he's a good granddad and better mental support to me than he was as a child so maybe if blokes admit they enjoy it more maybe like in ops case it may instigated a male to male conversation as to why he's, feeling like he is and what he can do to change the situation. Men need to solve their own problems

I think Op needs to have a discussion with her husband .Does he agree to go to marriage counselling.? Finding a job would be worth looking into. For example some friends of mine sell things they find in charity shops and you could specialise for example if you sold clothes you could sell only plus sized things. You can spend time when your baby is awake getting stock in. Another suggestion is only sell toys and clothes for babies. Your husband could be depressed ,he might want to see his GP.I wonder if OP thinks her marriage can be saved .One other possibility is he has met someone else and is using all his issues so he can leave. All the best Op ,I hope you can get your situation sorted out.

"the million-dollar question and I await the pile-on: are you having sex you both enjoy? Unfortunately for all I've said, the heart of a moany man problem can be this!"

I suspect this too: he's not getting his wang wet as often as he'd like, because there's this damned kid that has been getting in the way. So he's pouting and feeling angry and entitled and trying to make OP nervous he's going to leave so that she'll put out more.

That's coercive and revolting.

What is it he is coming home to that’s the main problem and what is he doing to fix it?

Is it noisy chaos?

Is it a small expensive house you can’t afford to upsize, rammed with stuff?

Is it that he has a tonne of ‘jobs’ to do that he never gets around to and he knows you are disappointed about?

I would want to understand a bit more.

If it’s a reasonable calm straight home then he needs to understand that adulting isn’t always a dream but it’s not your fault, you are in it together and if it’s the toddler stage, these things pass and some stages are easier than others.

Some folk sleep walk into marriage and family as that is the expected route and find it is harder than being single but it is also potentially offering, long term, ‘riches’ but these are not automatic and require a bit of input and maintenance.

He may be a bit burnt out and overwhelmed from being the bread winner which is understandable.

What’s he doing to help himself? Can he sit with toddler and watch ‘in the night garden’ and chill for example - he does need to adapt to his responsibilities.

Reading threads like this, I do wonder how many men actually want dc, or do they fall into it because it’s expected/the woman wants them? I’m absolutely not saying it’s anything near ok, but I’d be interested to see how many men actively wanted as opposed to didn’t really want but had dc anyway. And yes, I know they shouldn’t have sex if they don’t want kids! And once they’re on the ground, it’s far too bloody late to decide you don’t want them.

He either faces up to the fact he needs help or leave if he's prepared not to as he will bring you down to the point you will be in the same position as him.Think about your child and their needs as they are the innocent one in this as well as yourself.

I completely agree, but surely most people understand it will be a big upheaval, sometimes even with the best behaved kids.

I have no studies to back it up but I’m fully convinced a lot of people - particularly men - have children as “the next thing to do” in adulthood and never actually sat down to think about the responsibilities it will entail for the next 2 decades or so (at least).

I know so many men who had children completely unprepared to change their habits or that once they had children, they became terrible partners. Even men in their 30s and 40s.

I'd leave him with the kid 'for a few hours' and jet off to Barbados for 2 weeks. Call him once I am there to let him know my return date. Twat.

To be fair, this was pretty much me when I had two small dc. Teenagers all day; an insane headteacher; knowing I'd have to work again sheet the kids went to bed- but first the chaos. Dh didn't feel it so much, but if wasn't him that the kids wanted/ cried at.

There was no solution. Just had to get through it.