AIBU to feel hurt my partner dreads coming home to us?

[Ange1502]

I’m a SAMH to a 2 year old. My partner has made it clear he hates coming home after work, and was particularly vocal about his feelings tonight. He said he dreads coming back to the house, doesn’t look forward to seeing us, that he would rather be at work and that he doesn’t want to be here and he hates it. He’s said he just wants to come home to peace and quiet, and chill out.

I can appreciate he’s tired after work, but I think it’s unrealistic expectations with a 2 year old? He said he hopes he gets stuck in traffic most days so that’s less time to bedtime. I just find it sad too, as he’s not seen us all day, but is just desperate for the day to be over? He’s really difficult to be around on his days off too, he’s miserable and says he’d rather be at work.

Not really sure where to go from here?

A friend's DH was a SAHD and she felt the same. She missed the kids but she said she opened the door to chaos, mess and a fed up DH. Her DH going to work sorted it. Kids are are school/nursery so no mess at home anymore. Plus both of them working made them feel like they were in it together. Sorry OP.

Men are more 'successful' at committing suicide because they choose more violent methods not because they attempt more. There is nothing to suggest he is mentally ill, more that he hasn't attached to his child and is resenting the additional demands of them

Or possibly he is depressed for other reasons, and needs peace and space to decompress after the day if he is struggling. He won't find that at home with a 2 year old, so maybe is just being honest about his feelings at present. Can you talk to him OP about why he feels like this? If he is otherwise a good man and partner, it would be worth exploring the problems he is dealing with, and the repercussions for you, discussing the situation together, and maybe him getting counselling or GP help🌷.

OP, was he very keen on starting a family, or were you keener than he was?

I think he sounds depressed. Feel for you as that’s awful to hear and he’s no help but that doesn’t automatically mean he should be villainised. I would encourage him to go to the doctors. I would make sure not to have other children and start looking to return to work. You need a break too and if he’s not helping get a part time job and get someone in to do some of the drudgery. Talk to him about what might help, is there a way to calm a bit of the chaos? Ultimately something needs to change - support for his MH and more support for you. If he’s doesn’t try and get help or come up with some ideas I’d consider if I wanted to be with him.

I would also really struggle to ‘forgive’ how he’s feeling, I’d be pretty devastated if I were you, while also recognising he can’t help the way he feels.

That does not sound great.
Sleeping straight away suggests burnout.
Playing on his phone suggests neglect of you.
He isn't cooking, cleaning, helping or spending any time with the child he helped make nor is he giving you any respite - so effectively you are on a 24 hour shift 7 days a week.
And to top it off, he is barely talking to you/connecting with you so even if you were happy or forced yourself to be, with the surrendered housewife shtick you'd still have a husband barely talking to you.
If he doesn't want to pay childcare, how will he cope having to pay maintenance? Because it does need pointing out.

You now have three choices:

1. Go back to work yourself knowing you'll break even on the childcare (if you're paying it) so really it is going back for your own sanity, pension, adult contact during the day.
2. Separate. You will be able to claim UC for yourself until child is three I think, and maintenance does not count in your income (but if you are not married and have no family support, you need to work out who is going where and the implications....and get CMS involved straight off the bat if he is going to be arsey over maintenance). Expect nothing including him seeing DD as he is not doing it now.
3. Continue as you are, in the hope you'll both find your way back as a couple in two years time when child is in reception, but you'll be surrendering to school run, nativity, sports day, everything being on your own as he may well remain aloof. If staying together, insist he sees a GP if you think he has PND or that he shows some kind of effort towards you both otherwise you may as well be a Lone Parent rather than parenting alone. 🍀💐

He needs to get himself to the GP.

It sounds like he could be depressed. It doesn't excuse his actions, but if it's the reason for them at least they can be remedied. If he cannot take this single action for himself to keep his family together, then your relationship is probably over. Get your birth control solid, and do not even think about having another child with him unless things improve substantially.

And you should definitely go back to work. Even if most of what you make goes towards nursery fees, it'll still be a net positive for the household. And it's not forever. Only another 2 years and your child will be in school. Plus there's pension contributions, you getting time for yourself, and your child will benefit from the education and playmates. I know it's anecdata, but sending my children to nursery has been the best thing I could have done for us.

Went on a history tour a few months ago-and they said there used to be pubs everywhere because men didn't want to go home to the chaos after work, so it's not a new thing! Back then, with having umpteen kids, it probably went on forever. Or seemed to.
What might help is to get him involved with bathing, bedtime routines etc-maybe make up a cold platter so you can both snack as you're doing this.
Or ask family to help out so that you can both have some breaks.

To me it does sound like depression. Men get PND as well. A big trigger can be trauma (fathers find miscarriage traumatic) and the shift in sense of self and relationships that comes with parenthood.

Given none of this was said in anger, I’d be supportive. I’d talk to him later today. Say it’s not ok for him to check out of family life, but it is ok to be struggling with his mental health and need support. The emotions are valid, the behaviour isn’t.

He needs help and you’ll support him accessing help. There are some great resources around the country for men’s mental health and postnatal depression.

Does he show any interest or enjoyment in being a Father? You reap what you sow in this world and whilst parenting is hard; I know that I enjoy it a lot more when I throw myself into it rather than trying to get away with doing the minimum.

If he is depressed then instead of moaning about not wanting to come home, not wanting to be at home, why isn't he doing something about it? Why isn't he seeking help? Why isn't he talking to OP about what they can do as a couple to improve things?

Why is OP expected to sort out his feelings as well as shoulder all the responsibility for THEIR shared child as well as having her confidence in herself constantly undermined by his attitude?
Why all this sympathy for him and non.for OP.?

Yep. The phonecalls I used to field as a barmaid:"is x there? His tea 's ready."

Yes he is being honest but what does he want you to do about it? 2 year olds are full on. That is part of being a parent. He needs to grow up.

Sorry OP, I would strongly suspect he's met someone else at work.
He's checked out - on his phone, moody on days off, disappearing off to the bedroom. This is not normal behaviour for a man with a 2yo. But this is the exact behaviour of my ex-H when he met someone else at work.
The moodiness is caused by the guilt. They have to make it your fault instead, because they can't bear to be the bad guy embarking on an affair.
Whatever you do, don't accuse him of an affair - he'll never admit it. Ask him what he wants to do, what solutions does he suggest? See what he says.

Why is OP expected to sort out his feelings as well as shoulder all the responsibility for THEIR shared child as well as having her confidence in herself constantly undermined by his attitude?
Because if she doesn't help him sort himself out, the alternative is separating.

@Ange1502
Start from the position that you cannot make him change. it is impossible to make other adults change. If he doesn't want to be an involved parent and good partner you can't fix it by yourself.
Things you can do:

1. encourage him to see the GP (but you can't make him go)
2. decide to go back to work - as long as you earn more than the nursery fees plus work costs (transport, clothes, lunches), the family will be no worse off so he can't complain. He won't like it as it will mean you are less available to do housework, but he will have to put up with it. It will be better for you in the long term to be back at work.
3. ask him to go to marriage counselling with you. He won't want to go, so you will need to explain how this is a crisis and if he doesn't take an active part in sorting the relationship out with you, it will probably end and you will separate, then he will have to pay maintenance.

But never make a threat you are not going to carry out

This - but perhaps you could suggest that he might like to consider a divorce with 50/50 custody, in which case he’d not only be coming home the mess and chaos, but be solely responsible for managing it?

Great that he can express himself honestly - but what he has expressed is the feelings of a selfish, immature man who is going to have to grow up.

Counselling may help though, for you both, as he needs to understand that this is just for a few years until they get to school. In your shoes, though, if you haven’t made plans, I would be exploring training and your route back into work once they are in school/nursery FT, as there is a risk that DH may bail. And if he doesn’t the extra money and security it would give you, primarily, and the family generally, make help him ‘cope’ better with this stage of family life.