My wife wants to do a couples-style photoshoot with another male model, and I’m struggling with my feelings. Am I being insecure?

[Tomhos]

This is a complicated situation, so I’ll try my best to explain everything without making it too long.

I'm 45 year older man and my wife is also 45. We have three kids, all teenagers now. After years of raising children and putting most of our energy into parenting, my wife finally has a bit more freedom to focus on herself again.

About a year ago, she started going to the gym, changed her lifestyle, lost weight, and got back into shape. I'm genuinely happy for her because I’ve seen how much confidence it has given her. She feels like she is finding herself again after spending so many years being “mom” first.

For the last 3–4 years, she has talked about wanting to do a boudoir photoshoot for herself. We discussed it a couple of times, but nothing ever happened. It was more of an idea than an actual plan.

My wife is good friends with a professional photographer named Claire She is in her Mid 50s. Claire is extremely talented and has photographed our family many times. She did our wedding photos, baby photos, and family pictures, and because of their friendship, we have always received very generous discounts. She is someone we trust.

A little over a week ago, Claire came to us with an idea for a photography project she is working on for her portfolio and a company.
The concept is about two people in their mid-40s finding love again after losing their spouses. For the project, she wanted my wife to model as one of the people in this story. The shoot would involve my wife wearing a wedding dress, being photographed outdoors (possibly vineyards or scenic locations), and doing normal couple-style poses with a male model who would play the “new husband” character.

There would also be some indoor shots in a hotel suite, still keeping the theme of a newly married couple. Claire described it as romantic, emotional, and.storytelling-focused, with some poses that couples normally do in wedding photography.

She also brought up the idea of doing a separate boudoir photoshoot with my wife in her studio. That one would be completely private and only for my wife herself. It would not be published anywhere.

The wedding-themed photos, however, would be different. Some would appear on Claire’s website and some would be used for the company project.

At first, my wife was hesitant. She worried about people she knows seeing the pictures, what friends and family might think, and whether it could affect her professionally. But after thinking about it, she started feeling proud of herself. She feels like she has worked hard, regained confidence, and wants to celebrate that.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I needed some time because I honestly don’t know how I feel. The private boudoir photoshoot didn’t bother me much. It’s something she wants to do for herself, and I trust her completely. But the wedding photoshoot with another man is where I started feeling uncomfortable.

I know logically it’s just photography. I know it’s a professional model, a professional photographer, and there is no romantic intention behind it.

But emotionally, something about seeing my wife dressed as a bride next to another man, doing couple poses, made me feel uneasy. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not anger, jealousy, or thinking she would do something wrong. It’s just this weird feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake.

Claire recently sent us the male model’s profile. He is also around his late 40s, a professional model, and honestly a very good-looking guy. He’s fit, has a great physique, and looks confident.

And I hate admitting this, but seeing that made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I feel a little ridiculous because I know this is just a photoshoot. My wife loves me, we have built a life together, and there is no reason to distrust her.

At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my feelings either. I want to support her confidence and not make this about my insecurity.

So I’m asking for outside perspectives

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just normal jealousy that I need to work through? Or is it fair for me to feel uncomfortable with my wife publicly doing a romantic-style photoshoot with another man?

I want to handle this in a mature way because the last thing I want is for my wife to feel like I’m holding her back after she has finally started feeling good about herself again.

All you can do is work on yourself, whether that be mental health, image, confidence, closeness in your marriage, all of the above, whatever. To stop another adult doing something they want to do is not right.

Well, I think it’s a bit odd, but if you trust her, then I’d just go with it.

The more intimate boudoir shots would just be for you two. 👍

Can you imagine if a woman came on here and said their partner wanted to do this with a female model, there would be uproar.

So to cut a very very very long story short

Your wife has been offered a modelling job and you're not happy about it?

It's a modelling job, not a relationship.

Try not to think of it in terms of your wife with another man, but two people doing a job together, in front of other people; which, from what I have heard and seen of photo shoots, is very monotonous and tiring.

If you stop her from doing this job then it is entirely about your insecurity.

You'll have to make your peace with that.

It's really not that complicated.

Ask your wife how she would feel if the roles were reversed - if you were going to pose for pictures as the husband who has found new romance in his marriage, and not with her acting the wife but with a professional model instead.

Would she feel all happy and secure about it?

Why can't you both be the couple? Are you too old and ugly? Or what? That "friend" isn't your friend at all.

I don’t think you’ll get neutral views here. If you were a woman asking about their husband wanting to do a shoot with a female model, posters would ask why he feels the need to do this. But since you are a man, posters will say you’re jealous and controlling.
I can understand how you feel. You don’t want to prevent your wife from modelling, but it IS awkward. Of course many people work as actors or models and it’s their daily business to act romantic scenes (I used to be in this industry myself), but it can feel strange for their partners, especially for someone not from this industry who is not used to it.
I don’t think you can or should stop her doing it, but I also think your feelings about it are valid. I’d probably tell my partner that I support them, but that I don’t really want to see the photos, and I’d hope they respect my feelings.

What do you think partners of professional models and actors do? It's part of the job.

It's not unreasonable for you to feel a bit weird about it, especially as this hasn't been her career and it's the first time. But it's completely on you to work through it and get over it.

It might help to think of it as work, not fun. Even if your wife got into modelling with a view to feeling better about herself rather than earning money, this is still a professional job that will be conducted professionally.

Male models and actors do this all the time with female models and actors who are not their partners. It is a non-issue when that happens as well.

I think it would be rather different if she was a model as her job, and this was just another assignment of many in her wide portfolio.

I wonder if she is hoping to go into modeling, or if this is just a one-off?

If it's just modeling and 'a woman in her 40s' and 'a man in his 40s' playing the roles of a couple who have found love again for a photoshoot, why couldn't OP play the role of the man? If the answer is that it wouldn't be believable, because people who know them would know it was just acting, surely it cuts exactly the same the other way too?

I agree with DeepLimeBird that, if it were a man wanting to do an intimate 'just married' photoshoot with a beautiful woman and telling his DW that 'it's just acting', everybody on here would be highly critical and suspicious.

It might help to think of it as work, not fun.

But it isn't work. His wife isn't a professional model. She's just flattered.

I think it would be rather different if she was a model as her job, and this was just another assignment of many in her wide portfolio.

Why?

It's still a modelling job whether she's done it before or not.

It doesn't change the fact it's still going to be boring, long, full of stopping and starting to have her hair/makeup touched up etc.

Being experienced wouldn't change any of that.

Or alternatively, why can’t Claire find another professional female model?

I think you are mixing things up in your head by thinking about this in the same light as the boudoir shoot. The boudoir shoot is about your wife and her self image etc- she'll be being shot as herself. The wedding etc shoot is a modelling job in which she would be playing a character. They are completely different things.

I think it is slightly odd that the photographer is employing a professional model for the man but not for the woman- I have a model in my immediate family and understand that this sort of thing can be tricky as you have one professional and one non-professional which complicates the work. (Not in an emotional way- it's more that professional models know how to do it better than the rest of us. It's a job!) Just a slightly weird dynamic, but not for the reasons you've given. Is she being paid for it?

Ah, I should clarify because I didn’t include the full details in my original post. I’m not uncomfortable with my wife doing another part of her work or with her wanting to do a photoshoot. I’m actually happy that she has this opportunity and feels confident again.
The part that is different is this specific project. She has to wear a wedding dress and pose with another man as if he is her husband for the concept. The outdoor part is basically a couple/wedding shoot them walking together, holding hands, looking at each other, standing close, touching faces, hugging, romantic portraits, dancing-style shots, and some kiss-style poses.

The indoor hotel suite part is what made me more conflicted. Those shots are meant to look like an intimate newlywed couple sitting together on the bed, standing together on the balcony, close face-to-face shots, him holding her, him being very close to her face/neck area, kiss poses, and some more intimate wedding-style poses involving the dress, including shots where the back of the dress is visible.

I know it is professional photography and I trust my wife completely. I’m not saying she is doing anything wrong. I just didn’t explain the full concept before, and these details are the reason I felt a little uneasy. There is a difference between understanding something professionally and not having any emotional reaction to seeing your partner portray that kind of intimacy with someone else

Is the wedding shoot a real job that she's being paid for? That may clarify her motivation for taking part.

She thinks my wife has the right look for this specific project, especially because she is in her mid-40s and fits the concept well. Also, my wife is getting paid for this job.

Its a modelling job; its not your wife's idea which i think makes a big difference. If you're worried about her running off with someone (anyone, not just this model) remember that ppl have to WANT to be stolen, and no amount of policing you do would change her mind on that. She is currently choosing you, dont ruin it by being bitter and jealous - be loving and fun.

I just can't get over the tackiness.

Not blaming your wife here, OP, so much as Claire! So the idea is to present a middle-aged couple 'finding love again' (yuk...how cheesy) - which I'm guessing she thinks is brave and ground-breaking...yet she is shying away from the reality and choosing not average, everyday people but a professional model?

I wonder what she'll do with these images? They'll be neither one thing nor the other: neither gritty realism nor love's young dream.

To stop another adult doing something they want to do is not right

I thought the very essence of marriage is that both should generally be happy with what either of them do.

Else surely we're into "my husband wants to sleep with my best friend, AIBU to tell him not to" territory

I'd see it as a modelling gig. Models have to pretend to be in situations with other models for photos which sell products, services, brands or whatever. That's all this is.

These are all normal details. Have you seen wedding brochures before? The models in them will have done this exact same thing.

Modelling is not about intimacy or romance (as PP have said the actual experience couldn't be less intimate or romantic). It's about creating the illusion of those things.

I'm not saying you have no right to feel weird about it. But you have to work through it, because nothing about the situation is actually abnormal.

If you want your wife to have this opportunity you can only accept your own uncomfortable feelings about it, and live with them.