My wife wants to do a couples-style photoshoot with another male model, and I’m struggling with my feelings. Am I being insecure?

[Tomhos]

This is a complicated situation, so I’ll try my best to explain everything without making it too long.

I'm 45 year older man and my wife is also 45. We have three kids, all teenagers now. After years of raising children and putting most of our energy into parenting, my wife finally has a bit more freedom to focus on herself again.

About a year ago, she started going to the gym, changed her lifestyle, lost weight, and got back into shape. I'm genuinely happy for her because I’ve seen how much confidence it has given her. She feels like she is finding herself again after spending so many years being “mom” first.

For the last 3–4 years, she has talked about wanting to do a boudoir photoshoot for herself. We discussed it a couple of times, but nothing ever happened. It was more of an idea than an actual plan.

My wife is good friends with a professional photographer named Claire She is in her Mid 50s. Claire is extremely talented and has photographed our family many times. She did our wedding photos, baby photos, and family pictures, and because of their friendship, we have always received very generous discounts. She is someone we trust.

A little over a week ago, Claire came to us with an idea for a photography project she is working on for her portfolio and a company.
The concept is about two people in their mid-40s finding love again after losing their spouses. For the project, she wanted my wife to model as one of the people in this story. The shoot would involve my wife wearing a wedding dress, being photographed outdoors (possibly vineyards or scenic locations), and doing normal couple-style poses with a male model who would play the “new husband” character.

There would also be some indoor shots in a hotel suite, still keeping the theme of a newly married couple. Claire described it as romantic, emotional, and.storytelling-focused, with some poses that couples normally do in wedding photography.

She also brought up the idea of doing a separate boudoir photoshoot with my wife in her studio. That one would be completely private and only for my wife herself. It would not be published anywhere.

The wedding-themed photos, however, would be different. Some would appear on Claire’s website and some would be used for the company project.

At first, my wife was hesitant. She worried about people she knows seeing the pictures, what friends and family might think, and whether it could affect her professionally. But after thinking about it, she started feeling proud of herself. She feels like she has worked hard, regained confidence, and wants to celebrate that.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I needed some time because I honestly don’t know how I feel. The private boudoir photoshoot didn’t bother me much. It’s something she wants to do for herself, and I trust her completely. But the wedding photoshoot with another man is where I started feeling uncomfortable.

I know logically it’s just photography. I know it’s a professional model, a professional photographer, and there is no romantic intention behind it.

But emotionally, something about seeing my wife dressed as a bride next to another man, doing couple poses, made me feel uneasy. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not anger, jealousy, or thinking she would do something wrong. It’s just this weird feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake.

Claire recently sent us the male model’s profile. He is also around his late 40s, a professional model, and honestly a very good-looking guy. He’s fit, has a great physique, and looks confident.

And I hate admitting this, but seeing that made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I feel a little ridiculous because I know this is just a photoshoot. My wife loves me, we have built a life together, and there is no reason to distrust her.

At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my feelings either. I want to support her confidence and not make this about my insecurity.

So I’m asking for outside perspectives

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just normal jealousy that I need to work through? Or is it fair for me to feel uncomfortable with my wife publicly doing a romantic-style photoshoot with another man?

I want to handle this in a mature way because the last thing I want is for my wife to feel like I’m holding her back after she has finally started feeling good about herself again.

I would have thought that, surely, if you're wanting to get the best, most realistic, convincing romantic wedding pictures for your shoot/magazine/publicity, you would automatically be looking for an actual couple who didn't need to professionally pretend that they're totally in love with each other, because they genuinely are!

Even more so when you're targeting a middle-aged audience who have lived, experienced the realities of relationships and aren't just your stereotypical flawless young adult beauties starting out in a brand new world.

In the same way as, when they've filmed the trailers to drum up enthusiasm for all the World Cup coverage, they don't get a load of actors together and tell them to look excited - they just film a crowd of actual football fans who are already joyfully cheering and singing, because they are genuinely loving the experience.

I would have thought that, surely, if you're wanting to get the best, most realistic, convincing romantic wedding pictures for your shoot/magazine/publicity, you would automatically be looking for an actual couple who didn't need to professionally pretend that they're totally in love with each other, because they genuinely are!

Even more so when you're targeting a middle-aged audience who have lived, experienced the realities of relationships and aren't just your stereotypical flawless young adult beauties starting out in a brand new world.

In the same way as, when they've filmed the trailers to drum up enthusiasm for all the World Cup coverage, they don't get a load of actors together and tell them to look excited - they just film a crowd of actual football fans who are already joyfully cheering and singing, because they are genuinely loving the experience.

I would have thought that, surely, if you're wanting to get the best, most realistic, convincing romantic wedding pictures for your shoot/magazine/publicity, you would automatically be looking for an actual couple who didn't need to professionally pretend that they're totally in love with each other, because they genuinely are!

Even more so when you're targeting a middle-aged audience who have lived, experienced the realities of relationships and aren't just your stereotypical flawless young adult beauties starting out in a brand new world.

In the same way as, when they've filmed the trailers to drum up enthusiasm for all the World Cup coverage, they don't get a load of actors together and tell them to look excited - they just film a crowd of actual football fans who are already joyfully cheering and singing, because they are genuinely loving the experience.

I would have thought that, surely, if you're wanting to get the best, most realistic, convincing romantic wedding pictures for your shoot/magazine/publicity, you would automatically be looking for an actual couple who didn't need to professionally pretend that they're totally in love with each other, because they genuinely are!

Even more so when you're targeting a middle-aged audience who have lived, experienced the realities of relationships and aren't just your stereotypical flawless young adult beauties starting out in a brand new world.

In the same way as, when they've filmed the trailers to drum up enthusiasm for all the World Cup coverage, they don't get a load of actors together and tell them to look excited - they just film a crowd of actual football fans who are already joyfully cheering and singing, because they are genuinely loving the experience.

I would have thought that, surely, if you're wanting to get the best, most realistic, convincing romantic wedding pictures for your shoot/magazine/publicity, you would automatically be looking for an actual couple who didn't need to professionally pretend that they're totally in love with each other, because they genuinely are!

Even more so when you're targeting a middle-aged audience who have lived, experienced the realities of relationships and aren't just your stereotypical flawless young adult beauties starting out in a brand new world.

In the same way as, when they've filmed the trailers to drum up enthusiasm for all the World Cup coverage, they don't get a load of actors together and tell them to look excited - they just film a crowd of actual football fans who are already joyfully cheering and singing, because they are genuinely loving the experience.

OP didn't marry a professional model tho, did he? Also all the bedroom stuff sound a bit soft porn. I don't think I'd be thrilled if my husband were going to this, TBH...

OP didn't marry a professional model tho, did he? Also all the bedroom stuff sound a bit soft porn. I don't think I'd be thrilled if my husband were going to this, TBH...

Im with you OP, call me jealous/insecure whatever but i don’t think i would feel comfortable if my OH was being loving/intimate with another woman even if i knew it was fake.
I get that she has this new found confidence and you don’t want to squash that- doing the shoot might add some confidence but not doing it isn’t going to take away confidence so i would say you would be OK to ask her not to do it if you really feel that uncomfortable- obviously you can’t make her not do it but no harm in asking.
You can only be supportive of your partner to a point -where is starts to affect your own confidence/ mental health it starts to turn to resentment.

Honestly your post title is very misleading. The wedding photos are a modelling job. Pure and simple. No different to an actor who has to play the part in a couple in a film. I think you honestly need to try and deal with your insecurity on this one and not overthink it.

But the boudoir shoot is separate? She won’t be with the male model for that? Plenty of women do them as a confidence boost and a lot give the photos to their partners/husbands as a gift

I work in marketing and often work with photographers and videographers as well as actors (not so much models, which is a shame). I'm assuming she's asking your wife as she's attractive, a regular and they have a friendship and that maybe she will save actual cash on a female model which she can then give as discount to your wife or even do the bedroom pics for free.

Often Ive had to stand in and be a model. Im not hugely attractive but its the way of the world in our world as it were. Ive been a hand model and been in trailers etc. My colleagues have also. Their kids as well.

I think you are over thinking a little and are insecure for some reason. If this model isn't someone in your wife's life already I'd personally not have an issue. Id see it as an opportunity for her for something different and exciting and flattering.

You either want professional models for a professional shoot or you want a real couple and real feelings etc. But one of each? A professional male model and a woman who's been insecure about her appearence and is feeling very flattered and probably quite vulnerable?

Nah. Someone's playing sillybuggers.

Your wife is peri-menopausal and has worked on boosting her confidence. She now has an opportunity to do something she never thought she could do when she was feeling overweight and frumpy. She also told you multiple times she would like to do a boudoir photoshoot. Why didn't you book this for her as a surprise?
Let her have her day. You can always use her earnings to have a special weekend away together. Don't hold your wife back, it will backfire. It's a photoshoot, she's not going to hump him.

I personally think the whole thing is a bit weird and it wouldn't be something I would personally be up for.

That said, I am not your wife and maybe she wants to do it and it isn't weird for her.

What Claire is effectively asking your wife to do, is to be a model in a photo. They aren't acting out a wedding or having any kind of intimate shots that involve nudity or sex.

Can you tell me what part of it bothers you, is it that you want to be the only man she has ever been photographed with while in a wedding dress? If that's the case, it's 100% ok to feel that way because that would of been a special moment between the two of you that you want to hold onto. I think that is very sweet.

Where I would be uncomfortable is the kiss style scenes. That's a step too far for me. I think my husband would also not appreciate this.

I think if you can hone in to the exact issue that you have with this situation it will help the conversation with your wife. It doesn't sound like you're 100% against it, it sounds like there is an element that you're uncomfortable with.

She's not a model nor actress.

Why can't you do the wedding photoshoot with her OP? Then the chemistry would be real.

To me it's all a bit strange, I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't want my husband doing it. Having his photos up on a website where he's kissing someone else would make me uncomfortable. If he had always been a professional model or actor then i would have had to decide before I married him if I was fine with him needing to do those things, but I wouldn't want him doing this as a 'fun' little job.

I'd hate that, so I think YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it. It's the kind of thing partners and spouses of professional models and actors have to put up with, but when you're in your mid-40s and neither of you has that type of career, you're not familiar with it. It's not what you signed up for, in essence. (And seeing how often actors end up with their co-stars, I imagine many of their partners aren't any too comfortable with the situation, either.)

I'd offer to pay to have your wife's personal photos taken, but I wouldn't be happy about the photos with someone else, and I'd hope that she'd understand why and consider your feelings important enough to just not do it.

As an aside, I agree that the friend's photos really ought to feature a real couple to be worth much.

I think that your wife should listen to your feelings and take them into account. While not every situation warrants the old "what if the sexes were reversed" I think this one really does.

My husband has lost a lot of weight and has a new sense of confidence, and is doing a kissy kissy huggy huggy photoshoot with a size 8 attractive professional model pretending to be newly weds - not sure they would be told they're stomping on hopes and dreams and being controlling by being uncomfortable with that.

I also think the boudoir shots should be done on a different day. I can envisage a kind of "transition" from the bride & groom photos, turning into the boudoir photos if done at the same time, with the male model being too involved with the boudoir shots! I think the "wedding shots" if agreed to at all, should be limited to wedding dress on as it could very easily become a little too intimate if the male model is "on set" for the indoor bedroom scenes.

Honestly, I understand that trying something new and feeling flattered by the opportunity is not a bad thing at all. I’m happy that she has this confidence and that someone thinks she is the right person for the project.
But the photoshoot itself feels like too much for me. There are many other types of photoshoots she could do, and she is already doing a private one for herself.
To be completely honest, the details of this shoot are what make me uncomfortable. Some of the poses include kissing, him being above her, and some level of nudity in the indoor shoots. For me, that crosses into a different category compared to a normal modeling or wedding-style photoshoot.
I know it’s professional work, and I trust her, but emotionally it is a lot for me to process. Personally, I know I would never be comfortable doing something like this myself, so I’m struggling with how I feel about it.

For what it's worth, @Tomhos I totally understand where you are coming from and my sincere hope is that your wife will come to the same view on her own. Especially now you are talking about kissing, a level of nudity and him being photographed above her. That is beginning to sound like something I think most people, man or woman, would be uncomfortable about their spouse doing if they are not a professional model.

I think you need to be very clear and honest with her about your level of discomfort, but then leave it to her to make her own mind up without pressure from you. If you tell her she can't do it, or if you go into a sulk or try to make her feel guilty then there is a risk of her feeling untrusted and resentful.

In the ideal scenario she will share your views and tell the photographer that she is very flattered but the nature of the shoot is something SHE is uncomfortable with rather than being something she wants to do but feels she cannot because YOU are uncomfortable.

Have you had this conversation with her?

It's the same as married actors on screen, acting out relationships with other actors. This is no different. It's make believe. Deep down I feel you are jealous because you're insecure. You more than likely wish you were the male model, instead. I can appreciate it makes you feel insecure...because you're alive. You might also be question why you were not asked.

If you hold your wife back, then you're going to cause a huge problem and it's controlling behaviour. I would say the same to a woman if her husband was playing the groom. It's just a photography shoot. They will be veritable strangers. How do you know the other guy isn't gay? Married? He might not even find your wife attractive! And even if he did, you should feel flattered that your wife is a beauty. You should be proud of her. It's a lot like going out with friends and dancing with your male friends.

Unless you do not trust her for some reason, because you're afraid she might leave you now she's fit, healthy, and confident. You need to work on yourself.

Perhaps you could join in on the boudoir shoot?

Thank you for understanding what I mean.

I think the reason this is difficult for me is because I see wedding photography as something very personal. Our wedding photos are special to me, and I always saw those kinds of moments as something that belonged only to us.

I also want to clarify that I have seen the mood boards for this project, so I know it’s not just a normal wedding dress photoshoot. There are many different types of shots involved.

Some of the outdoor shots are more traditional wedding-style couple photos. Things like them standing together, standing very close with their faces near each other, looking into each other’s eyes, smiling at each other, walking together like a newly married couple, walking down an aisle, holding hands, hugging from behind, him lifting her, and other romantic couple poses.

There are also more emotional and intimate-looking shots, like them embracing, him holding her while posing, close-up portraits, and poses designed to show the connection between two people who are supposed to be newly married.

The indoor hotel suite part is what feels like a different level to me. Those shots are meant to look more like private newlywed moments them sitting together on the bed, standing together on the balcony, close face-to-face shots, romantic poses, kissing shots, and other poses where they are physically very close.

Some of the concepts include him being above her while posing on the bed, his face close to her neck, him partially removing the wedding dress to show the back, and some level of nudity involved (not completely nude).

I understand there is nothing real happening. There will be a photographer, makeup artists, styling, and other people around. I know it is a professional environment and the final pictures are meant to tell a story, not show an actual relationship.

But at the same time, the amount of physical closeness is what makes me uncomfortable. I know it is not about whether I trust my wife or not I do trust her.

The confusing part is that one side of me thinks, “It’s just a photoshoot. She is playing a character, they finish the work, and she comes home.”

But another side of me starts questioning things: Why does she want to do this? Is she excited about the attention from another man? Is it because it feels new and different? Am I becoming boring to her?

I know those thoughts may not be completely fair, but they are feelings I’m trying to understand.

The biggest thing I struggle with is feeling like there is a part of her life that I’m completely outside of a part that belongs to her and this professional world, where she is sharing a type of closeness with someone else that I will never be part of. That is the feeling I’m trying to deal with.

Some of the poses include kissing, him being above her, and some level of nudity in the indoor shoots.

Do they now?

And you thought you'd only just mention this now? Lol.

I'm sorry, this is nonsense. OP is not married to a model or an actor. If he married a model or an actor he would have a) known what he was in for; b) been eased into it; and c) it was a genuine living, not a one off.

What you have here is a someone who has lost weight and gained in confidence being paired with a professional male model, who by definition rates high on the attractive scale for the first time ever after a long marriage - taking part in an intimate, partial nude photo shoot.

If OP isn't happy with this, I don't blame him. And she should take his feelings into account, and if she cares that little for him, maybe he should consider the relationship.