My wife wants to do a couples-style photoshoot with another male model, and I’m struggling with my feelings. Am I being insecure?

[Tomhos]

This is a complicated situation, so I’ll try my best to explain everything without making it too long.

I'm 45 year older man and my wife is also 45. We have three kids, all teenagers now. After years of raising children and putting most of our energy into parenting, my wife finally has a bit more freedom to focus on herself again.

About a year ago, she started going to the gym, changed her lifestyle, lost weight, and got back into shape. I'm genuinely happy for her because I’ve seen how much confidence it has given her. She feels like she is finding herself again after spending so many years being “mom” first.

For the last 3–4 years, she has talked about wanting to do a boudoir photoshoot for herself. We discussed it a couple of times, but nothing ever happened. It was more of an idea than an actual plan.

My wife is good friends with a professional photographer named Claire She is in her Mid 50s. Claire is extremely talented and has photographed our family many times. She did our wedding photos, baby photos, and family pictures, and because of their friendship, we have always received very generous discounts. She is someone we trust.

A little over a week ago, Claire came to us with an idea for a photography project she is working on for her portfolio and a company.
The concept is about two people in their mid-40s finding love again after losing their spouses. For the project, she wanted my wife to model as one of the people in this story. The shoot would involve my wife wearing a wedding dress, being photographed outdoors (possibly vineyards or scenic locations), and doing normal couple-style poses with a male model who would play the “new husband” character.

There would also be some indoor shots in a hotel suite, still keeping the theme of a newly married couple. Claire described it as romantic, emotional, and.storytelling-focused, with some poses that couples normally do in wedding photography.

She also brought up the idea of doing a separate boudoir photoshoot with my wife in her studio. That one would be completely private and only for my wife herself. It would not be published anywhere.

The wedding-themed photos, however, would be different. Some would appear on Claire’s website and some would be used for the company project.

At first, my wife was hesitant. She worried about people she knows seeing the pictures, what friends and family might think, and whether it could affect her professionally. But after thinking about it, she started feeling proud of herself. She feels like she has worked hard, regained confidence, and wants to celebrate that.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I needed some time because I honestly don’t know how I feel. The private boudoir photoshoot didn’t bother me much. It’s something she wants to do for herself, and I trust her completely. But the wedding photoshoot with another man is where I started feeling uncomfortable.

I know logically it’s just photography. I know it’s a professional model, a professional photographer, and there is no romantic intention behind it.

But emotionally, something about seeing my wife dressed as a bride next to another man, doing couple poses, made me feel uneasy. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not anger, jealousy, or thinking she would do something wrong. It’s just this weird feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake.

Claire recently sent us the male model’s profile. He is also around his late 40s, a professional model, and honestly a very good-looking guy. He’s fit, has a great physique, and looks confident.

And I hate admitting this, but seeing that made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I feel a little ridiculous because I know this is just a photoshoot. My wife loves me, we have built a life together, and there is no reason to distrust her.

At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my feelings either. I want to support her confidence and not make this about my insecurity.

So I’m asking for outside perspectives

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just normal jealousy that I need to work through? Or is it fair for me to feel uncomfortable with my wife publicly doing a romantic-style photoshoot with another man?

I want to handle this in a mature way because the last thing I want is for my wife to feel like I’m holding her back after she has finally started feeling good about herself again.

Ah sorry it’s because you quoted me from a post where I was replying to someone else who was trying to say it’s glamour modelling and soft porn. Yes you are correct. It’s kind of a personal thing, maybe to share with your husband or boyfriend but not a stranger. I get where the photographer is coming from about using models to portray a real couple scenario but in a professional setting you would never expect anyone to expose their intimate parts to the other person, they should be concealed with something so the other person doesn’t actually see them. The whole thing seems a bit off to me.

Wives also bear the consequences if Hubbie decides he doesn't want to carry on the marriage after this!

@Chickadiddy do wives get to veto their husbands trip to the lap dancing club? Or their spending on cars, booze and hobbies? I know they’re not the same but a marriage is about a partnership and being aware of each others boundaries. Marriages based on ‘I’ll do what I want, I don’t care what you think’ are not healthy.

It sounds like this photoshoot proposal is too far beyond OP’s boundaries and he really needs to speak up and make his true feelings known. He seems so desperate to not be controlling but he shouldn’t be worried. This isn’t normal and the wife should not be putting him in this position.

“This isn’t normal and the wife should not be putting him in this position.”

More to the point, this isn’t normal and the photographer should not be putting the op’s wife in this position and having her expose her intimate parts to a complete male stranger all for the sake of pretending to be a “model”.

Yes this Claire is not innocent in all this. But the wife has agency and her respect for her husband’s boundaries should be strong enough to break out of this Claire’s gravity.

So when she is lying down i assume the model is positioned so that any underwear she might have on is hidden?
or do you think that actually your wife would have no problem being nude as long as nothing was on show?
does sound a bit odd and I definitely agree i wouldn't be entirely comfortable.
Finally, why is it an opportunity for her, to me an opportunity is something thats leads to something bigger and better.

Thanks - sorry for the confusion!

I wouldn’t like it either. I don’t care if that makes me sound jealous, fair enough if she was already a model and you knew what you were signing up for but you didn’t. I don’t think you can stop her otherwise she will maybe resent you so I’m not sure what the answer is. I think she should have probably just said no, it’s not exactly going to be her big break into modelling is it? Could you maybe go along with her? Maybe that looks a bit controlling, I don’t know but I do know I feel a bit sorry for you.

There’s a bit where the op said in their last update that his wife’s breasts would be exposed to the male model while he stood in front of her. That in itself without the laying down scenario sounds weird in itself.

For the op to then say “There will also be some scenes on a bed, with her lying down and him above her. Claire explained that, in these scenes, she will appear naked to the audience, but his hands, arms, or body will always cover the explicit parts of her body.”
I mean, what on earth is the male going to be doing with his hands/ arms/ body in order to cover the explicit parts I wonder 🤔
Sounds weird.

Also, I imagine the ‘opportunity’ will be for the wife to work on a personal project for the photographer, it’s not going to be an opportunity that’s going to lead to something bigger. Boudoir photography and being naked/ pretending to be naked isn’t going to start you off on a modelling career. In fact, it will likely have the opposite effect if anything.

I think I may have communicated it the wrong way.

None of the shots I mentioned will show anything explicit on camera, and she won't be completely nude in the studio.

Some shots show her back or from above the waist. Yes, that's partial nudity, but not full nudity. In the shots where her gown is pulled down to her waist, only her back is visible on camera because the male model is sitting in front of her. In reality, her breasts are covered with nipple pasties.

The same goes for the bed shots. Her breasts are still covered, and the photos are taken from angles where nothing explicit is visible, even though they give the impression that she's nude.

I saw some of your other comments, so I wanted to clarify.

The wedding photoshoot is mostly set in a vineyard, with scenes like walking down the aisle, the ceremony, and other wedding moments. It's a series of shots that follows the couple from the wedding morning to their first night together, and some of those shots include intimacy.

It's Claire's project. The non-intimate photos will be sold to a matrimony company, while the more intimate photos will be kept for her website. So no, it's not porn or erotic like some people are saying. Yes, my wife is getting paid for the project.

I've answered all of your questions in another thread. Please check it out.

As for your last question, she probably wants to do modeling.

I'm going to let her decide whatever she wants. Like you said, I don't want to control her

Yes I get that. The photographer will use lighting to cast shadows over her intimate parts so they will most likely be in darkness and cannot be seen and / or use the male model to cover her parts too so nothing will be seen in the pictures. My question to you is…. What the hell would this male model be doing/ seeing on your wife to be concealing those parts with his hands/ arms/ body?

So although nothing will be on show in the final pictures, my point being that from what you are saying, the male model will get to see all and sundry while your wife’s dignity is not concealed. The photographer wants her to be topless/ naked and for her breasts to be on full show to the male model and for him to also stand in front of her while she has her breasts exposed and the photographer feels that this is normal? This is some weird shit! Completely unprofessional IMO and your wife should not be exposed to this type of shit with a bloke she doesn’t know for the sake of being a ‘model’ for the day.

Like I said, I used to be a model. All this appearing naked stuff happens in the amateur modelling world, not the professional modelling world. And whilst I get what you’re saying and that your wife is not a professional model, even professional models are not expected to do this shit. The only time you will see ‘nudity’ in an erotic sense, is in the amateur community. If this was done professionally on a professional shoot, no model would be expected to expose her intimate parts to a male model, ever. Only in the amateur world do they seem to think this stuff is normal. So I would be wondering about the credibility of your photography friend in that case and where she sourced the ‘male model’ from for this. The likelihood is that the male model may not be as professional as you think.

Sorry but she isn’t going to get to be a model doing “let’s pretend I’m naked” stuff to the camera. The only ‘modelling’ she will end up getting into from that is amateur modelling and that’s a downward spiral in itself. Dirty pervs pretending to be photographers wanting to shoot nude women who want to be models.

A professional modelling agency will not consider someone with those type of pictures you have described. Yes there is a market for mature models above 40 but it’s in the commercial and advertising market, not in boudoir and nudity.

“It's Claire's project. The non-intimate photos will be sold to a matrimony company, while the more intimate photos will be kept for her website. So no, it's not porn or erotic like some people are saying. Yes, my wife is getting paid for the project.”

So the non intimate pictures will be SOLD to a matrimony company?
Has Claire given your wife a contract to sign to consent to this sale of pictures? She may be getting paid but the legalities of selling pictures require a legal binding contract to be drawn up where your wife would need to sign she is ok with this and that she realises she has no rights to the images and does not own the copyright. Because essentially your wife’s pictures can be then used by this company however the company want (within the limits of the contract) and if your wife decides she no longer wishes them to be online or out there in the public eye, she will have no rights to ask the company to take them down. Has she signed to that? The photographer can’t just sell pictures of her without her signed consent and it sounds to me like she’s not really paying your wife enough for this.

Exactly! OP's title is nothing to do with the actual story. It's modelling. Claire's giving her the boudoir shoot as part payment, presumably. The two projects are unrelated.

Wouldn't make an iota of difference if the amateur were a man and the woman a professional model/actor; it's a job.

Some very odd responses here!

The photographer's a professional. She will issue a model release.

Honestly, did you read it wrong again, or am I using the wrong vocabulary for a modeling photoshoot?

At no point will she be completely naked, either on camera or in the studio. Yes, there is some partial nudity, but her breasts and anything below her waist won't be visible. Even when her wedding gown is pulled down to her waist, her breasts are still covered with nipple pasties. That's why I clearly said it involves a little nudity, not explicit nudity.

Second, I have a few friends who are professional photographers and work with models and brands. Trust me, they're well established in their field.

I've seen them work with models in shoots that involve nudity sometimes partial and sometimes full. I've also seen them do clothing shoots for brands, and they either sell those photos or create them for commercial clients.

From what I can see, that's exactly what's happening here. Claire is going to sell the non-intimate photos to a matrimony company, and she'll keep the more intimate photos for her own website. So where does the "erotic" or "porn" angle come from?

I do agree with what you said about my wife's dignity. I'm not completely comfortable with it either, but I'm not going to stop her. I'll let her decide what she wants because she has her own agency and can make her own decisions.

My guess is that Claire thought my wife wanted to do a boudoir shoot for herself, so she asked if she'd be interested in this project. Since my wife is in her mid-40s and they've been close friends for a long time, Claire probably thought she'd be a good fit.

Yes, there will be contracts for both photoshoots with all the terms and conditions clearly stated. Claire already mentioned that, and everything will be signed before anything begins.

By the way, both my wife and I have high paying jobs, We deal with this kind of Stuffs, so we're not that naive or uninformed. But thank you for the information I appreciate it.

“At no point will she be completely naked, either on camera or in the studio. Yes, there is some partial nudity, but her breasts and anything below her waist won't be visible. Even when her wedding gown is pulled down to her waist, her breasts are still covered with nipple pasties. That's why I clearly said it involves a little nudity, not explicit nudity.”

So why did you tell me a few posts ago that the male model will be stood in front of her with her dress pulled down and exposing her breast???

“Second, I have a few friends who are professional photographers and work with models and brands. Trust me, they're well established in their field.”

Thats a while different ball game and nothing to do with what your wife is doing here 🤣

“My guess is that Claire thought my wife wanted to do a boudoir shoot for herself, so she asked if she'd be interested in this project. Since my wife is in her mid-40s and they've been close friends for a long time, Claire probably thought she'd be a good fit.”

There’s a difference between your wife talking about a bit of boudoir photography to then talking about taking pictures of her with another man and selling pictures of her.

Honestly I’m trying to help you here and you seem very argumentative. I know what you are saying as I saw this type of stuff in the amateur community all the time. Being naked isn’t going to get you a modelling career regardless of what you may think you know about your professional photographer friends and what they shoot. You think they sell naked photos to commercial clients. I’d love to know what commercial clients these are when commercial clients select their own photographers to shoot their products, they don’t pay for naked pictures of some random model. Commercial clients select their own models.

Yes she should issue one, that’s why I’m asking the op if she has

My point being that the photographer cannot legally sell those pictures to another company without a signed release from the op’s wife.

However once the op’s wife does sign it, if she then decides later down the line she no longer wants those pictures to be out in the public domain and she wishes for the matrimony company not to use them, she has absolutely no rights to have them removed out of the public domain as she will have signed over her rights on the model release and she does not own the copyright to those pictures. Regardless of whether or not the photographer is a “professional”.

So maybe it was worth pointing that out to the op as I’m not quite sure him and his wife know what they’re are getting themselves into here. A married woman who appears to be with another man. Intimate photos with her and another man on the photographers website. If they are happy with that then that’s fine. The op however doesn’t seem happy with this at all.

@Flyingintotheunknown - yeah, you're describing modelling 🙄 Every human being you've ever seen in an advertisement or posed editorial (eg, fashion & lifestyle pics) has signed that form. You're making it sound like some deathly scam.

Claire's main business is family, couple and vanity photography. Romantic photoshoots as outlined by OP will fit right into her portfolio, that's why she wants them. It's not porn, even soft porn. I don't know why you're blaring alarms here.

Personally, I find 'boudoir' shoots a bit more sleazy than 'romance', but each to their own. It's all legal, commonplace and morally acceptable.

A model release still stands whether it’s for “modelling” or boudoir. The op says the photographer will sell the non intimate photos to a matrimony company. My point is… is the op’s wife happy to sign and grant permission for the photographer to sell these photos. And if so, is she happy that once they are out there, she has no rights to tell that matrimony company to remove them. So regardless of if it’s a real modelling job or boudoir, the release still stands. I’m not sure why you got that I think it’s some deathly scam. It’s not a real modelling job and it’s certainly not a “job” I would have ever taken on.

I know what Claire’s main business is. As I say I’m an ex pro model trying to help out a fellow mumsnetter who has concerns about his wife doing this shoot. I know the difference between boudoir/ family photography and advertising shoots. Regardless of the category a model release is still a model release and a legal biding document which generally says that the person in the pictures has no rights to those pictures.