My wife wants to do a couples-style photoshoot with another male model, and I’m struggling with my feelings. Am I being insecure?

[Tomhos]

This is a complicated situation, so I’ll try my best to explain everything without making it too long.

I'm 45 year older man and my wife is also 45. We have three kids, all teenagers now. After years of raising children and putting most of our energy into parenting, my wife finally has a bit more freedom to focus on herself again.

About a year ago, she started going to the gym, changed her lifestyle, lost weight, and got back into shape. I'm genuinely happy for her because I’ve seen how much confidence it has given her. She feels like she is finding herself again after spending so many years being “mom” first.

For the last 3–4 years, she has talked about wanting to do a boudoir photoshoot for herself. We discussed it a couple of times, but nothing ever happened. It was more of an idea than an actual plan.

My wife is good friends with a professional photographer named Claire She is in her Mid 50s. Claire is extremely talented and has photographed our family many times. She did our wedding photos, baby photos, and family pictures, and because of their friendship, we have always received very generous discounts. She is someone we trust.

A little over a week ago, Claire came to us with an idea for a photography project she is working on for her portfolio and a company.
The concept is about two people in their mid-40s finding love again after losing their spouses. For the project, she wanted my wife to model as one of the people in this story. The shoot would involve my wife wearing a wedding dress, being photographed outdoors (possibly vineyards or scenic locations), and doing normal couple-style poses with a male model who would play the “new husband” character.

There would also be some indoor shots in a hotel suite, still keeping the theme of a newly married couple. Claire described it as romantic, emotional, and.storytelling-focused, with some poses that couples normally do in wedding photography.

She also brought up the idea of doing a separate boudoir photoshoot with my wife in her studio. That one would be completely private and only for my wife herself. It would not be published anywhere.

The wedding-themed photos, however, would be different. Some would appear on Claire’s website and some would be used for the company project.

At first, my wife was hesitant. She worried about people she knows seeing the pictures, what friends and family might think, and whether it could affect her professionally. But after thinking about it, she started feeling proud of herself. She feels like she has worked hard, regained confidence, and wants to celebrate that.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I needed some time because I honestly don’t know how I feel. The private boudoir photoshoot didn’t bother me much. It’s something she wants to do for herself, and I trust her completely. But the wedding photoshoot with another man is where I started feeling uncomfortable.

I know logically it’s just photography. I know it’s a professional model, a professional photographer, and there is no romantic intention behind it.

But emotionally, something about seeing my wife dressed as a bride next to another man, doing couple poses, made me feel uneasy. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not anger, jealousy, or thinking she would do something wrong. It’s just this weird feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake.

Claire recently sent us the male model’s profile. He is also around his late 40s, a professional model, and honestly a very good-looking guy. He’s fit, has a great physique, and looks confident.

And I hate admitting this, but seeing that made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I feel a little ridiculous because I know this is just a photoshoot. My wife loves me, we have built a life together, and there is no reason to distrust her.

At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my feelings either. I want to support her confidence and not make this about my insecurity.

So I’m asking for outside perspectives

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just normal jealousy that I need to work through? Or is it fair for me to feel uncomfortable with my wife publicly doing a romantic-style photoshoot with another man?

I want to handle this in a mature way because the last thing I want is for my wife to feel like I’m holding her back after she has finally started feeling good about herself again.

Not appropriate - it's a compliment for your wife to be asked but she doesn't have to say yes!

Very strange from the photographer, this isn't your normal, run of the mill professional photographer type stuff, esp the theme of people marrying again. That sounds like a photo love story they'd run in the Sun newspaper or a teenager magazine.

Other than that, what she wants to do is up to her. There is no reason for you to be jealous, it's a photo shoot. She's not going to suddenly fall into the arms of this male model just because they've had photos taken of them.

Your jealousy and unease is yours to deal with, nobody else's. I think you may be a little insecure because your wife is looking good!

I agree with a pp that it sounds very cheesy, but that's not what you asked.

I’m in my mid-fifties, started going to the gym 18 months ago, lost weight and feel and look good. I’m really pleased with my efforts, as is my DH.

Firstly, I don’t feel the need for external validation for what I’ve achieved in the form of a photo shoot.

secondly, I wouldn’t dream of doing it with another man. I respect my DH’s feelings too much for that, even though he is very secure.

I think it is weird, both on the part of your wife not recognising your feelings about this, but also that Claire has got involved. Your wife isn’t a professional model, so why is she pitching this to her? I don’t think she is a friend to your marriage at all.

There is a difference between understanding something professionally and not having any emotional reaction to seeing your partner portray that kind of intimacy with someone else

You don't have to look at the photos.

I think a good compromise would be to tell your wife you don't want to see them because it would make you too emotional.

I think I'd wonder what her main motivation was. Is it to help her friend; or for the general experience; or for the money; or because she likes the male model?

Because if it was her job, you would instantly know that it was for the money - to pay her bills - whether it's playing a bride, a train passenger, a keen user of air fresheners or somebody with diarrhoea.

I'd also be wondering if she would be quite so eager if the male model were more ordinary looking - possibly like her own DH?

Indeed

I think the squick is probably less to.do with the mechanics of the shoot and more to do with there being pictures in the public domain of his wife being amorous/attached/in love with someone else.

Wedding pictures are a bit of a special case, and I think I'd be a bit miffed - its not like this is just one in a series of photoshoots as a professional model.

I can sort of understand the mindset of him now comparing himself to airbrushed photos and having insecurities.

As ever the answer is "have a conversation".

If OP is unhappy about it then DW should at least know. They can either work it through, or she can make a choice about whether to do it or not. Not all feelings are rational and this one seems a bit of a toss-up. It's an opportunity she's been offered, not a life-goal she's finally achieving.

Even with all your extra details, yes, it is still just a modelling job.

Your insecurities are for you to deal with. It sounds like now your wife is fitter, more healthy and confident, you think she's out of your league.

This insecurity is not her problem and shouldn't get in the way of an opportunity for her.

Her main motivation as the OP has explained, is because she's worked so hard to get herself back into shape and looking great.

Also, she saw the male model after she agreed I think?

Sounds gross to be perfectly honest. Not the point though.

Would you feel better if she was being paid for it? It sounds like the photographer is doing a professional job for a client and should be paying your wife for modelling - would that help firm up the boundaries for you?

Otherwise I think actors and models and stuff of any sex must have to adjust to their partners doing these sorts of scenes/ shoots. I wonder how they do it? I don't think you have to pretend not to feel a bit weird about it though.

As to the 'reverse the gender' brigade - you don't have to do that every single time it is rather dull.

Yeah, I would feel weird about this too. It's one thing having a photoshoot with a couple appearing in a general scenario, but the whole wedding vibe wouldn't sit well with me.

But she's not a professional model, never modelled before, so it's not "just a modelling job".

To me, something sounds very "off" about the whole thing. Why did the professional photographer suddenly approach the wife apparently out of the blue? That's not normal.

How come the photographer knows a professional male model, but doesn't know a professional female model. If she regularly does "professional" shoots, she'll know professional models of both sexes and will know where to find other models via agencies etc. Using an amateur will be harder work so I don't see why a photographer would purposely seek out an amateur in the normal course of things.

I think the OP is right to be concerned about this.

Sounds more like the OP's wife has approached the photographer herself wanting to do this shoot and asked the photographer to find a professional male to pose with her!

Personally I think it's a bit off.

If your wife (or you if it were you in the scenario) was a professional model who does this kind of a thing for a living it would be very different and you would see it as very different.

But it feels like a boundary blurred because it's not the norm for your relationship to pose with others like this.

Mumsnet would flame you if you were the one to pose with a beautiful women and your wife was upset about it, so keep that in mind when you get posters making it a you problem.

Also, I agree that Claire is not a friend to your marriage bringing this situation to you both in the first place.

Would you feel better if she was being paid for it?

She is.

I remember reading an actor (can't remember who) saying that it helped his partner to actually come on set and watch him work - and she saw for herself how phenomenally unsexy and unromantic creating a love scene actually was.

I agree with the working on yourself a little bit here, but I think communication with your wife is key also.

You can ask how she’d feel if roles were reversed, however it’s literally just a job that she’s been offered and honestly, as a loving husband you’d the one hyping her up before she goes and when seeing the photos after.

It’s lovely how you speak about her being really happy for her upon finding herself again, you’re clearly just a little conflicted but I do think from what you’re writing the feelings are normal because you love her in every sense of the word.

Have a deep conversation with her again I say and just explain your feelings, you’re not saying you’d stop her doing it, you’re just explaining how you feel too which is a completely normal part of communication. But perhaps do this after really taking a logical perspective on the situation and working on your feelings too.

I think if your wife wants to do the photo shoot, you cannot and should not stop her @Tomhos. You also should not say anything to make her feel guilty about the fact that she wants to.

I also think your own feelings are entirely understandable. You just have to trust your wife. This is not something she has suggested herself so there is no big idea that she always wanted to be photographed with another man. This is something a professional photographer has come up with and has asked your wife to help her out with as a paid model. Your wife is flattered and excited to do something new. Try your hardest to be excited for her.

And maybe if she enjoys it you could suggest doing something similar together, with more personal photos than you had at your wedding? I'm not suggesting anything sexy, but perhaps some of those romantic shots could be repeated with the man she really loves?

I think if you stopped her doing it then the resentment on her end would be palpable.

How you’re feeling is understandable.
it has triggered some deep feelings of abandonment and being excluded.

Please remind yourself that these are just feelings, they are not real.
Just breathe into them and acknowledge them and work on self reassurance and letting go.
remind yourself that she is not leaving you, she is not abandoning you, she’s not excluding you from anything.
But your feelings of discomfort are primal and very deep and many people would feel the same. Look after yourself, it will all be okay.

Something seems off to me too. With OP’s wife not being a professional model I wonder how good the results are going to be. There’s more to modelling than just having “the right look”.

That is some epic tale you’ve written there

Speaking as someone whose partner was offered (and took) the role of 'the love interest' in a big advertising campaign, you're worrying about nothing.(FWIW he wasn't a professional model either.) It's not sexy or intimate, it's rather boring hard work. We laughed about it (and still do, although we're no longer together). XP's now long-standing wife finds it pretty funny too.

Mumsnet's AIBU is a quite surprising place to post this OP.

Have you tried reddit, or elsewhere?

What type of responses are you hoping for from this demographic specifically?

I would have thought that, surely, if you're wanting to get the best, most realistic, convincing romantic wedding pictures for your shoot/magazine/publicity, you would automatically be looking for an actual couple who didn't need to professionally pretend that they're totally in love with each other, because they genuinely are!

Even more so when you're targeting a middle-aged audience who have lived, experienced the realities of relationships and aren't just your stereotypical flawless young adult beauties starting out in a brand new world.

In the same way as, when they've filmed the trailers to drum up enthusiasm for all the World Cup coverage, they don't get a load of actors together and tell them to look excited - they just film a crowd of actual football fans who are already joyfully cheering and singing, because they are genuinely loving the experience.