My wife wants to do a couples-style photoshoot with another male model, and I’m struggling with my feelings. Am I being insecure?

[Tomhos]

This is a complicated situation, so I’ll try my best to explain everything without making it too long.

I'm 45 year older man and my wife is also 45. We have three kids, all teenagers now. After years of raising children and putting most of our energy into parenting, my wife finally has a bit more freedom to focus on herself again.

About a year ago, she started going to the gym, changed her lifestyle, lost weight, and got back into shape. I'm genuinely happy for her because I’ve seen how much confidence it has given her. She feels like she is finding herself again after spending so many years being “mom” first.

For the last 3–4 years, she has talked about wanting to do a boudoir photoshoot for herself. We discussed it a couple of times, but nothing ever happened. It was more of an idea than an actual plan.

My wife is good friends with a professional photographer named Claire She is in her Mid 50s. Claire is extremely talented and has photographed our family many times. She did our wedding photos, baby photos, and family pictures, and because of their friendship, we have always received very generous discounts. She is someone we trust.

A little over a week ago, Claire came to us with an idea for a photography project she is working on for her portfolio and a company.
The concept is about two people in their mid-40s finding love again after losing their spouses. For the project, she wanted my wife to model as one of the people in this story. The shoot would involve my wife wearing a wedding dress, being photographed outdoors (possibly vineyards or scenic locations), and doing normal couple-style poses with a male model who would play the “new husband” character.

There would also be some indoor shots in a hotel suite, still keeping the theme of a newly married couple. Claire described it as romantic, emotional, and.storytelling-focused, with some poses that couples normally do in wedding photography.

She also brought up the idea of doing a separate boudoir photoshoot with my wife in her studio. That one would be completely private and only for my wife herself. It would not be published anywhere.

The wedding-themed photos, however, would be different. Some would appear on Claire’s website and some would be used for the company project.

At first, my wife was hesitant. She worried about people she knows seeing the pictures, what friends and family might think, and whether it could affect her professionally. But after thinking about it, she started feeling proud of herself. She feels like she has worked hard, regained confidence, and wants to celebrate that.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I needed some time because I honestly don’t know how I feel. The private boudoir photoshoot didn’t bother me much. It’s something she wants to do for herself, and I trust her completely. But the wedding photoshoot with another man is where I started feeling uncomfortable.

I know logically it’s just photography. I know it’s a professional model, a professional photographer, and there is no romantic intention behind it.

But emotionally, something about seeing my wife dressed as a bride next to another man, doing couple poses, made me feel uneasy. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not anger, jealousy, or thinking she would do something wrong. It’s just this weird feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake.

Claire recently sent us the male model’s profile. He is also around his late 40s, a professional model, and honestly a very good-looking guy. He’s fit, has a great physique, and looks confident.

And I hate admitting this, but seeing that made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I feel a little ridiculous because I know this is just a photoshoot. My wife loves me, we have built a life together, and there is no reason to distrust her.

At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my feelings either. I want to support her confidence and not make this about my insecurity.

So I’m asking for outside perspectives

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just normal jealousy that I need to work through? Or is it fair for me to feel uncomfortable with my wife publicly doing a romantic-style photoshoot with another man?

I want to handle this in a mature way because the last thing I want is for my wife to feel like I’m holding her back after she has finally started feeling good about herself again.

ERMAGERD, WHAT IF THEIR PARTNERS GET JEALOUS AND THEY WANT THE SUGGESTIVE PHOTOS BACK???!!!

As a model, you should know better. You say you know the diff between dodgy modelling and normal stuff - so it's inexplicable why you seem to have decided Claire is actually an exploitative 'glamour' merchant operating under cover.

I imagine she's doing it this way because the client's paying for the location.

(Photos © Calvin Klein, not the models)

Is that a reply to me? 🤣 I said I was an ex model. You’re talking as if you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s not about a jealous husband.

The op’s wife literally will not have rights to those photos once they are out in the public domain. So you can be as sarcastic as you like, doubt you have ever been put in that position. It’s something I see all the time. Amateur model has naked/ pretend naked photos taken, they get sold to some pay site. Model gets a day job where the employer finds out about the naked/ almost naked pictures and feels that the model will bring their company into disrepute because there’s suggestive pictures of them plastered all over the internet so will not employ them / will sack them if they are already employed. Model desperately tries to get them removed. Can’t get them removed as she signed her consent for them to be used on these sites and has no right.

Jeez I hope you don’t work with media or advertising. You don’t seem to have a clue what you’re talking about! It’s not about copyright it’s about GDPR and the rights of the person in the picture so you @ photos Calvin Klein, not the models all you like

As a model I should know better? I was a model for 25 years. It’s you who doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

oh the client is paying for the location? That solves everything then legality wise 🤣🤣

i have explicitly stated on this threat that boudoir has nothing to do with glamour. You’re just making shit up and being argumentative for the sake of it now and making a fool of yourself! Don’t quote me on stuff you have no experience of? Was you a model? Nah thought not!

@Flyingintotheunknown I updated my last reply as we crossposted.

I'm happy for you that you got parachuted straight into above-the-line modelling work. My first shoot was tits'n'teeth for a calendar 😂 Also normal, though a tad cringey when I spotted the very same - years out of date - calendar on a client's wall after I'd left modelling! The job after that was a catalogue. That one did actually feel exploitative. Technically, of course, it wasn't but I realised getting paid to look pretty wasn't the career I wanted.

I moved on to a career that involved commissioning the photography.

Exactly, you misunderstood. Please go back a few more threads because I clearly added more context. I mentioned that her breasts will be covered with nipple pasties and that nothing below her waist will be shown.

I don't know if you read that part or not.

Honestly, you're saying that once the photos are sold, my wife will have no rights over them. Yes, we're aware of that. That's why everything will be covered in the contract. No intimate photos will be sold, so I understand the point you're making.

Okay, I don't really know the difference between a boudoir photoshoot and the type of photoshoot my wife would be doing with another model. Could you explain the difference?

Ok… but what has that got to do with you thinking that copyright = the same law as GDPR and the right to consent? You made some batshit reference about @ copyright when I’m not even talking about copyright 🤣
Cooyright doesn’t override a model’s right to consent and the company who the photos are to be sold to also don’t own the copyright as it belongs to the person who took the picture unless signed over. It is separate to GDPR and signing model release. A model release is a consent form for the model to sign to grant permission for usage of their likeness to be associated with a specific company. Once it is signed, it is very difficult for the model to get the pictures removed.

I’m not sure what any of this post has to do with what you’ve been arguing with me about. Just because you did a tits and teeth calendar shoot or whatever it was and then catalogue, doesn’t mean you have the experience of signing 100s of model releases and from your responses to me I’m guessing not. Doesn’t matter what shoot you felt most “exploited” on that’s not the point I’m making. So unless you have anything constructive to argue about, maybe better not to argue with me at all 🤣

Whole idea seems odd to me. If it's a professional job, why not just use a professional model? If the wife wants boudoir photos (cringe) why doesn't Claire just do these? A woman who has had a glow up doesn't need to suddenly be part of a professional shoot, even if she is being paid for it. Also where / how are these photos going to be used?

The biggest thing I struggle with is feeling like there is a part of her life that I’m completely outside of a part that belongs to her and this professional world, where she is sharing a type of closeness with someone else that I will never be part of. That is the feeling I’m trying to deal with.

This really stood out to me. I’m glad you’re trying to deal with this feeling because that does suggest you have problems with her having anything that’s hers alone. She’s been offered a job, and it should be her choice whether she takes it or not, it’s fine for her to have something of her own professionally that you’re not a part of. No one is expecting you to display the photos or even look at them. This is her thing. Be supportive!

Honestly op there has been so much drip feeding from your posts that it’s been hard to establish what’s going on here and what you have said/ not said. You quoted me specifically and told me that your wife would be facing the photographer with her breasts exposed. It’s been really hard to follow.

The shoot will be of a boudoir nature and also in a nature of where it looks like the pretend couple have just been married (so a bit less intimate in terms of what the audience will see). However, rather than the photos being taken for your wife’s personal use and confidence, they are being taken for advertising purposes and photographer’s website. So essentially it then moves from a personal shoot to more of an advertising shoot and this is when she will be asked to sign a model release.

What I’m saying is that as long as you/ your wife are aware of what you will be signing to and that she will most likely not be able to have those photos removed once they are out there, and you are both happy with that, then that’s fine. However I got the impression from your posts that you are not happy with it. And I get it. Your wife is married to you, it will appear as if she’s also married to someone else if these photos are seen by others elsewhere - but you will find it near impossible to get those photos removed once the release has been signed and they have been sold.

You’re not happy about the intimacy between her and the male model - I doubt she will come home and think “you know what I’m leaving my husband for the model” as that’s not what really happens on these shoots. But I understand your concern. However, this in itself is not a concern. I worked with many male models during my modelling time and neither me nor the male ever thought phwarrrr ill have some of that.

Doubt a professional model would take it on tbh for the reasons I’ve stated in my other posts. Most professional models are either fashion or commercial models so they aren’t going to want to ruin their chances of brands booking them by appearing to be naked romping about with a man on some random photographer’s website - it tends not to bode well with a lot of commercial clients who isn’t going to want a model to be associated with that.
Also, I imagine the pay to not be very great so again, in terms of ‘usage’ of the images the model probably isn’t going to get the pay to reflect that.

@Flyingintotheunknownhere I'm clearly mentioned

Yes but like I said, there’s been so much drip feeding it’s hard to follow. Would have been better to write all the details in your first post because then we all get the full story straight away.

I understand that. Anyway, I add more context. But yeah, the information you shared was useful.

Like I said, I'm not going to stop her. I'll let her make her own decision. I don't have any trust issues with her, but I am uncomfortable with the situation, and that's true.

Before she signs anything, I'll go over all the information you mentioned with her again so we both fully understand everything before making a decision.

“Before she signs anything, I'll go over all the information you mentioned with her again so we both fully understand everything before making a decision.”

I agree this is a good idea. It may seem exciting to be doing a small modelling job but the legal implications of it all and the fact she will “appear” to be naked in the photographs carries a huge weight with it. Like I said, things like this, depending on how the final pictures will look, can put any current or future employers off wanting to employ her. Especially if she works with children ie. Teaching, coaching etc. I mean some employers are more relaxed than others, I’m just stating the reality of what has happened to some people I know of who have ended up in this situation.

How does marriage work for you, exactly? By marrying, haven't you mutually agreed to make choices as a team rather than individually?

If I want to move country for a job, my DH can veto it. If I want to quit my job and live in a trailer, my DH can say no. If I want to become an actor who does soft porn, my DH can say no. Then I have the option of either respecting his wishes or ending the marriage.

If what you want is total freedom to make your own choices without thinking of anyone else, then surely marriage isn't for you.

Well no one is going to love the idea that a picture of the perfect mid life romantic couple requires a substitute in their place so not spoil the aesthetic, are they? That's a sharp one for the ego.
But it's important to remember that the guy is a professional model, suitable because he is capable of looking like the perfect middle aged man, not because he actually is.
He may be better looking than you, but that's pretty superficial. You have no reason to think he's more interesting, nicer, more intelligent, just because his job is to look it.

I don't imagine the OP thinks for a second that his wife is going to run off with the male model. I think that's why he keeps saying that their marriage is strong and he's not jealous and she's never given him reason to think she'd cheat. He doesn't want people to jump on that as a reason he's not comfortable with it and reduce him to being another insecure man because it's not about that.

But one of the things that caused the breakdown in my marriage was him stepping into a world in an amateur capacity that had the potential to lead further and looked like it might do so at one point. He was very good and had a brief professional relationship with a major company that could have taken him a lot further. He performed at events where, whilst the vast majority fade into insignificance, other people have been spotted and become household names.

It wasn't that there was anything wrong in what he was doing (and I supported him every step of the way because it was his passion) but it did give him a glimpse into a different world.

And it was a world that boosted his ego , that flattered him, that presented potential opportunities and lifestyle and a world he was a little seduced by.

He saw himself differently, he saw his life and his life with me differently. He became dissatisfied. That's what contributed to the end of the marriage. And not the first woman who approached him to flirt and give him her phone number.

That's a far greater risk than this male model deciding that this particular middle aged women is the one for him and far more likely than his wife wanting to run off with him.

This is new for him, for her for their marriage. This isn't something she has years of experience with or they have years of experience navigating as a couple. It's not their world.

However people want to categorise the photos is irrelevant really. There's a big difference between sensual shots with partial nudity to being used as promotional material for a local dental surgery because she has great teeth or the local hairdressers because she has great hair. There's also the potential for her to regret it but by the time she does, it'll be too late.

I think it's on Claire and she should probably recognise this and so there's a duty of care element she's not considering.

It would be fine if it were a modelling job… but… your wife isn’t a model.

I agree with everything you have said here
and this paragraph in particular is exactly what I’ve been saying on my last few posts.

“There's a big difference between sensual shots with partial nudity to being used as promotional material for a local dental surgery because she has great teeth or the local hairdressers because she has great hair. There's also the potential for her to regret it but by the time she does, it'll be too late.”

That makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. I used to be a model… but I wouldn’t have touched this type of shoot with a barge pole because I wouldn’t want nearly naked pictures of me being out there for all and sundry to see.

Far too well written and eloquent for a 45 year old male.
Nice try!

Males can be intelligent human beings too you know and some do have the ability to write eloquently. My dad was one of them. He is in his 70s now but he was 45 at some point in his life 🤣

FFS.

Marriage works for me with MUTUAL respect and understanding that one person's insecurities don't give the right to veto another's opportunities.

Plus not every single decision is up for debate, obviously a geographical move or leaving the family home is not the same case as we're talking here.

OPs wife is really motivated to take a photography job she's been offered. Nothing more, she's not leaving home or starring in Debbie Does Dallas.
What happens here if he " vetos" her chance????

I think that a husband has some kind of veto, or at least an opinion worthy of consideration on what men see his wife’s breasts aside from medical professionals, on who might be lying on top of her in such away to obscure her breasts. Call me old fashioned but there we go.