My wife wants to do a couples-style photoshoot with another male model, and I’m struggling with my feelings. Am I being insecure?

[Tomhos]

This is a complicated situation, so I’ll try my best to explain everything without making it too long.

I'm 45 year older man and my wife is also 45. We have three kids, all teenagers now. After years of raising children and putting most of our energy into parenting, my wife finally has a bit more freedom to focus on herself again.

About a year ago, she started going to the gym, changed her lifestyle, lost weight, and got back into shape. I'm genuinely happy for her because I’ve seen how much confidence it has given her. She feels like she is finding herself again after spending so many years being “mom” first.

For the last 3–4 years, she has talked about wanting to do a boudoir photoshoot for herself. We discussed it a couple of times, but nothing ever happened. It was more of an idea than an actual plan.

My wife is good friends with a professional photographer named Claire She is in her Mid 50s. Claire is extremely talented and has photographed our family many times. She did our wedding photos, baby photos, and family pictures, and because of their friendship, we have always received very generous discounts. She is someone we trust.

A little over a week ago, Claire came to us with an idea for a photography project she is working on for her portfolio and a company.
The concept is about two people in their mid-40s finding love again after losing their spouses. For the project, she wanted my wife to model as one of the people in this story. The shoot would involve my wife wearing a wedding dress, being photographed outdoors (possibly vineyards or scenic locations), and doing normal couple-style poses with a male model who would play the “new husband” character.

There would also be some indoor shots in a hotel suite, still keeping the theme of a newly married couple. Claire described it as romantic, emotional, and.storytelling-focused, with some poses that couples normally do in wedding photography.

She also brought up the idea of doing a separate boudoir photoshoot with my wife in her studio. That one would be completely private and only for my wife herself. It would not be published anywhere.

The wedding-themed photos, however, would be different. Some would appear on Claire’s website and some would be used for the company project.

At first, my wife was hesitant. She worried about people she knows seeing the pictures, what friends and family might think, and whether it could affect her professionally. But after thinking about it, she started feeling proud of herself. She feels like she has worked hard, regained confidence, and wants to celebrate that.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I needed some time because I honestly don’t know how I feel. The private boudoir photoshoot didn’t bother me much. It’s something she wants to do for herself, and I trust her completely. But the wedding photoshoot with another man is where I started feeling uncomfortable.

I know logically it’s just photography. I know it’s a professional model, a professional photographer, and there is no romantic intention behind it.

But emotionally, something about seeing my wife dressed as a bride next to another man, doing couple poses, made me feel uneasy. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not anger, jealousy, or thinking she would do something wrong. It’s just this weird feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake.

Claire recently sent us the male model’s profile. He is also around his late 40s, a professional model, and honestly a very good-looking guy. He’s fit, has a great physique, and looks confident.

And I hate admitting this, but seeing that made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I feel a little ridiculous because I know this is just a photoshoot. My wife loves me, we have built a life together, and there is no reason to distrust her.

At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my feelings either. I want to support her confidence and not make this about my insecurity.

So I’m asking for outside perspectives

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just normal jealousy that I need to work through? Or is it fair for me to feel uncomfortable with my wife publicly doing a romantic-style photoshoot with another man?

I want to handle this in a mature way because the last thing I want is for my wife to feel like I’m holding her back after she has finally started feeling good about herself again.

I would not be OK with my husband doing this and would tell him so. If he decided to go ahead and it was worth deeply hurting me for, I would probably be reconsidering the marriage.

If your wife loves you, she wouldn't think this was worth hurting you over. Talk to her and tell her how you feel.

@SurelyNotShirley

It's the same as married actors on screen, acting out relationships with other actors.

OP didn't marry an actor or model. Completely different scenario.

No reddit please, I'm not ready taking advice from teens who pretend to be wiser people

It’s a modelling/acting job she has been offered. She’d be playing a role.

If you aren’t secure enough to handle it, you need to tell her, but don’t be surprised if she needs an explanation as to why you would be so insecure. What reasons do you have?

Some of the poses include kissing, him being above her, and some level of nudity in the indoor shoots. For me, that crosses into a different category compared to a normal modeling or wedding-style photoshoot.

Which is where she's crossing the line. It's why I said she should do the "boudoir" shots on a different occasion without him. My very strong suspicion is that they'll end up doing the boudoir shots together with even more kissing, nudity etc. I'm even starting to think the "wedding" shots is a kind of cover story for her wanting to do the boudoir shots with another man! If she is intent on doing the wedding, it should stop where she is still fully dressed - there are still plenty of photo opportunities that will be just as good without the added intimacy.

It all sounds very strange to me. Photographers don't go around asking random women to take part in "professional" photo shots. As I said above, if the photographer is wanting a wedding photo session and has secured a professional male model, why wouldn't she get a professional female model from the same or other agency? It sounds more and more is if the wife is the one driving this and has asked the photographer to set it up for her, make it out as if it's the photographers' idea, and using a "wedding" as the cover story for what she really wants which is a bedroom/boudoir session with a male model!

OP, I think you need the advice of a good plumber. Worst case of drip feed I've seen for a long time.
🚰🪠👩‍🔧

Exactly. Good old Mumsnet double standards!!

So this 'nudity' that despite all your previously long posts you've only just decided to tell us about.

What exactly does it involve?

Norks out? Arse out?

What?

Your wife has done the right thing by asking you how you would feel about it. I would be honest, and if you don't feel comfortable with it and know it would upset you - tell her exactly that. She may choose to go ahead and ignore your concerns anyway, or it'll prompt more discussions about finding boundaries that may suit you both. Suggest the both of you together discussing it with the photographer as well.

You are within your rights to not feel great about it. This is very different to the stories you hear about models / dancers getting married and then their partners telling them to quit because they're jealous - this is new territory for the both of you that warrants an honest conversation and alignment.

Apologies for the multiple duplicate posts above.

I assumed it was the standard having to press the submit/response button many times before it finally takes - I didn't realise that the whole site was going to go down for some time.

Honestly I think the whole thing sounds toe-curlingly cringe. Like the hideous wedding photos you see in high-street photographers but with added burlesque (boak). Just so so naff: how would you feel if someone you knew stumbled on it?

I wouldn't have any particular objections about your wife being in a photoshoot with another man: it's obviously being done for the theatre rather than reality.

It's taste and decency for me.

I find how you've talked about this quite weird- mixing up the boudoir session and the modelling job, first of all you don't like the fact she'd be in an a wedding dress and now you're saying there is going to be nudity. You need to be a lot clearer about what is actually being proposed.

FWIW I think if the photographer is asking her to do nude shots for publication then that crosses a line in terms of professionalism. Your wife is not a professional model, she doesn't have an agent looking out for her and she presumably has no idea what contractual terms she should be looking out for. It actually sounds quite exploitative that this photographer has asked her to do this- usually any sort of modelling involving nudity means strict contractual terms about use of the images etc. It's an odd and inappropriate thing for the photographer to request in this informal way.

Considering how many professional, experienced actors and actresses do end up becoming an item with their on-screen 'spouse' - not all of them having both been previously single - there's still always a potential risk of the acting blurring with real-life feelings.

Even people who don't act for a living can end up marrying colleagues - when it's nothing more romantic than Denise in accounts falling for Tom from the canteen!

Forgive me for not mentioning this clearly in the original post. I only used the word “intimate” because I didn’t want to go into every detail at first.

To clarify the nudity part: there is no full nudity and nothing below the waist is shown. It is mainly about the upper body and the way the poses are created.

For example, one shot involves him appearing to unzip/remove part of the wedding dress from behind, so her back is visible. Another concept has her standing with the dress lowered from the waist up, but the camera angle is positioned so nothing explicit is shown. The photographer said they would use coverings and styling techniques so that nothing is exposed.

There are also some bed-style shots where the pose is designed to look like she is nude while he is above her, but the camera angles, his body position, and posing are used so that nothing private is visible.

So technically there is no actual nudity shown, but I used that word because the overall style and poses give that kind of impression. These types of shots are only a small part of the whole project maybe around 10% of the total photoshoot. The majority is normal wedding/editorial couple photography with standard newlywed-style poses.

Forgive me for not mentioning this clearly in the original post. I only used the word “intimate” because I didn’t want to go into every detail at first.
To clarify the nudity part: there is no full nudity and nothing below the waist is shown. It is mainly about the upper body and the way the poses are created.
For example, one shot involves him appearing to unzip/remove part of the wedding dress from behind, so her back is visible. Another concept has her standing with the dress lowered from the waist up, but the camera angle is positioned so nothing explicit is shown. The photographer said they would use coverings and styling techniques so that nothing is exposed.

There are also some bed-style shots where the pose is designed to look like she is nude while he is above her, but the camera angles, his body position, and posing are used so that nothing private is visible.
So technically there is no actual nudity shown, but I used that word because the overall style and poses give that kind of impression. These types of shots are only a small part of the whole project maybe around 10% of the total photoshoot. The majority is normal wedding/editorial couple photography with standard newlywed-style po
ses.

Yeah, that is massively crossing a line for me. Anything beyond holding hands or hugging is not the typical wedding photography and is crossing a line into soft porn territory. They're basically staging sex scenes - no 2 ways about it.

From what you've described it reminds me of those tacky, awful 'comic strip romps' nod to soft porn serials you used to get in the News of the World or equivalent cringy red-top newspaper.

Oh crikey I would HATE this... I'm not saying that is a reasonable reaction but honestly I would.

I know she's getting paid but is your wife interested in professional modelling? As in, will this help her beyond the pay cheque?

I don't think yabu really. If you'd met and she was a model and then at some point you started getting jealous, ugly and demanding that would be different.

Why can't the friend hire a professional model?

I've had a flashback to years ago a friend of mine (an actor, then unknown) had started a romance. It was in its fledgling phase and I was weighing up the pros and cons. A group of us were out one night and of course everyone was asking me what was happening and was he coming in. I said he was on a job but would be along later.

He did arrive in and was saying hello to everyone including me when someone asked him what the job was. It was a music video for some band and he said it was a bit weird because he arrived, the crew were set up with cameras ready to roll and pissed off with him for being the last there. Then he was barely introduced to the female lead and the two of them were told to start kissing. Someone asked who she was, was she hot whatever, he casually said "yeah she was totally gorgeous. I dunno who she is, never met her before."

My smile was frozen onto my face and I knew it was never ever going to work, I am just not cut out for it.

He thought I was nuts when I gave him the reasons for ending it and our friends told me I was being ridiculous but no, I'm just not that chill.

I think ultimately be honest with your wife but accept that it's her decision and be proud of her no matter what.

@3wouldbegood

FWIW I think if the photographer is asking her to do nude shots for publication then that crosses a line in terms of professionalism. Your wife is not a professional model, she doesn't have an agent looking out for her and she presumably has no idea what contractual terms she should be looking out for. It actually sounds quite exploitative that this photographer has asked her to do this- usually any sort of modelling involving nudity means strict contractual terms about use of the images etc. It's an odd and inappropriate thing for the photographer to request in this informal way.

This is why I suspect it may be the OP's wife who's driving this rather than the photographer. It just sounds VERY strange that a professional photographer would randomly ask a non professional model to pose with a professional model for a photo shoot of the photographer's requirement. Why wouldn't she get a professional female model from the same agency as the professional male? Makes no sense. Anyway, surely using professional models would be easier/quicker for the photographer as the pros will know how to model, how to deal with the cameras, they'll know the poses etc - must be a lot of extra work for the photographer to deal with someone who's never done it before.

And why does the photo shoot need ANY suggestion/hint of nudity etc. As OP says, they're already doing a variety of shots that are fully dressed, so doing some undressed/undressing ones doesn't seem necessary.

And yes, there needs to be a contract etc. Even if no "formal" nude shots, the mere fact that some shots do include being partially undressed mean that there "may be" some shots taken of private parts even if not included in the main published photo shoots, even accidentally. You never know where things end up from the "cutting room floor" or it's modern digital equivalent!

I didn't want to say it, but yes, I'm starting to think soft porn if the "wedding" shots cross over into bedroom/boudoir shots with the male actor still being there!

100%. Further to this, OP mentioned wife was also worried about her professional reputation as well... which she absolutely SHOULD be (depending on her job) as it's presumed these photos will be used as marketing material for the photographer.

To your point about the cutting room floor (or even the final edits) - who knows where those photos will end up. Wife has a job/career, child(ren) and runs the risk of AI porn images of herself doing the rounds.

It may sound a bit dramatic, but unless she (and the family) is happy with dipping in the world of glamour modelling and soft porn, she's naive to think this runs no risk for her reputation (let alone the dynamics of her marriage) - and probably letting her flattery/esteem issues making judgement calls on her behalf.

"Is it OK if I pretend to be naked in a bedroom with another man, in a way that looks like we've just had or are just about to have sex?

"What?! Of course not! Why would you ask such a thing?!"

"Don't worry, there will be somebody there with a camera to take lots of photos and guide our poses to make them look as authentic and sexy as possible - to go in magazines and on a website."

"Silly me, darling - absolutely fine; what on earth was I thinking to cavil at that?!"

It's super-cheesy, but it's an acting job basically.

To an actor or a model, yes. But OP's wife is not an actor or a model. This would potentially be her first foray into modelling.

And even so, presumably actors and models in reputable filming don't just go blindly into any shoot without a breakdown of what will be happening with absolutely no discussion with their spouse if they are shooting some degree of sex and nudity?

OP's feelings and opinions are important and valid. I'm not suggesting a man's opinions and insecurities should always trump his wife's plans and ambitions, but when it comes to wedding shoots, contact with other men (specially selected for their attractiveness) and implied sex and nudity, she should respect her husband's feelings enough to say thanks but no thanks.

What exactly are you worried about
-She's going to run off with the model?
If she wanted to cheat she wouldn't need to find a photoshoot to do it.

• She's going to look fantastic and thus suddenly decide she's too good for you and run off?

She's already looking fantastic, so she doesn't need a photoshoot to realise this.

• It's crossing the line into soft porn?

Well, it sounds cheesy enough, but from what you've said also pretty tame. Nothing explicit.

You're obviously massively insecure.
If I had been offered something like this I'd do it for the craic and expect DH to be proud and cheering me on.
At the end of the day she's been offered the job.
At the end of the day it's her decision to make and I hope she makes it based on her own criteria....not yours.

What the hell is 'Claire' intending to do with this extremely detailed and involved photo shoot result? I mean, what is it meant to be? I can understand posing wedding photos if she is trying to get work as a wedding photographer, but this sounds like one of the old 'photo stories' that they used to run in girls' magazines back in the day, and who is going to sit through that?