My wife wants to do a couples-style photoshoot with another male model, and I’m struggling with my feelings. Am I being insecure?

[Tomhos]

This is a complicated situation, so I’ll try my best to explain everything without making it too long.

I'm 45 year older man and my wife is also 45. We have three kids, all teenagers now. After years of raising children and putting most of our energy into parenting, my wife finally has a bit more freedom to focus on herself again.

About a year ago, she started going to the gym, changed her lifestyle, lost weight, and got back into shape. I'm genuinely happy for her because I’ve seen how much confidence it has given her. She feels like she is finding herself again after spending so many years being “mom” first.

For the last 3–4 years, she has talked about wanting to do a boudoir photoshoot for herself. We discussed it a couple of times, but nothing ever happened. It was more of an idea than an actual plan.

My wife is good friends with a professional photographer named Claire She is in her Mid 50s. Claire is extremely talented and has photographed our family many times. She did our wedding photos, baby photos, and family pictures, and because of their friendship, we have always received very generous discounts. She is someone we trust.

A little over a week ago, Claire came to us with an idea for a photography project she is working on for her portfolio and a company.
The concept is about two people in their mid-40s finding love again after losing their spouses. For the project, she wanted my wife to model as one of the people in this story. The shoot would involve my wife wearing a wedding dress, being photographed outdoors (possibly vineyards or scenic locations), and doing normal couple-style poses with a male model who would play the “new husband” character.

There would also be some indoor shots in a hotel suite, still keeping the theme of a newly married couple. Claire described it as romantic, emotional, and.storytelling-focused, with some poses that couples normally do in wedding photography.

She also brought up the idea of doing a separate boudoir photoshoot with my wife in her studio. That one would be completely private and only for my wife herself. It would not be published anywhere.

The wedding-themed photos, however, would be different. Some would appear on Claire’s website and some would be used for the company project.

At first, my wife was hesitant. She worried about people she knows seeing the pictures, what friends and family might think, and whether it could affect her professionally. But after thinking about it, she started feeling proud of herself. She feels like she has worked hard, regained confidence, and wants to celebrate that.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I needed some time because I honestly don’t know how I feel. The private boudoir photoshoot didn’t bother me much. It’s something she wants to do for herself, and I trust her completely. But the wedding photoshoot with another man is where I started feeling uncomfortable.

I know logically it’s just photography. I know it’s a professional model, a professional photographer, and there is no romantic intention behind it.

But emotionally, something about seeing my wife dressed as a bride next to another man, doing couple poses, made me feel uneasy. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not anger, jealousy, or thinking she would do something wrong. It’s just this weird feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake.

Claire recently sent us the male model’s profile. He is also around his late 40s, a professional model, and honestly a very good-looking guy. He’s fit, has a great physique, and looks confident.

And I hate admitting this, but seeing that made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I feel a little ridiculous because I know this is just a photoshoot. My wife loves me, we have built a life together, and there is no reason to distrust her.

At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my feelings either. I want to support her confidence and not make this about my insecurity.

So I’m asking for outside perspectives

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just normal jealousy that I need to work through? Or is it fair for me to feel uncomfortable with my wife publicly doing a romantic-style photoshoot with another man?

I want to handle this in a mature way because the last thing I want is for my wife to feel like I’m holding her back after she has finally started feeling good about herself again.

Did you miss the bit where the model is standing over her while she lays naked (partially, "creating the illusion of" yada yada...) on their marital bed?

What do you think the model is supposed to be doing in that scenario, checking her over for suspicious moles? 😂

Nope, didn't miss it.
"Creating the illusion of"... illusion. Not explicit 😅

No, trust isn't the issue at all. I completely trust my wife. There is no way she would cheat on me. In 18 years of marriage, she has never once given me a reason to doubt her.

She's always been a beautiful woman. She was never dramatically overweight after pregnancy and having the kids, she put on a little weight, but I still found her just as attractive. Now she's back in shape, and I still find her attractive, and she feels the same about me. We genuinely have a happy, healthy marriage.

I'm not coming from a place of insecurity. For me, it's about keeping certain things exclusive to our marriage.

For example, I don't like the idea of my wife wearing a wedding dress and posing as someone else's wife. I know it's acting and not real, but emotionally it still doesn't sit right with me.

The same goes for nudity and kissing scenes. I know they aren't explicit, but the nudity is still intentional and the kisses are still real, even if they're done for a role.

I'm incredibly proud of her and I support her career, but that doesn't mean every professional choice is something I'm automatically comfortable with. I don't think it's unreasonable for spouses to have boundaries or for one partner's choices to affect the other. Marriage is about respecting each other's feelings, not just doing whatever we want because it's work.

Only a cuck would agree to this.

No, trust isn't the issue at all. I completely trust my wife. There is no way she would cheat on me. In 18 years of marriage, she has never once given me a reason to doubt her.
She's always been a beautiful woman. She was never dramatically overweight after pregnancy and having the kids, she put on a little weight, but I still found her just as attractive. Now she's back in shape, and I still find her attractive, and she feels the same about me. We genuinely have a happy, healthy marriage.
I'm not coming from a place of insecurity. For me, it's about keeping certain things exclusive to our marriage.
For example, I don't like the idea of my wife wearing a wedding dress and posing as someone else's wife. I know it's acting and not real, but emotionally it still doesn't sit right with me.
The same goes for nudity and kissing scenes. I know they aren't explicit, but the nudity is still intentional and the kisses are still real, even if they're done for a role.
I'm incredibly proud of her and I support her career, but that doesn't mean every professional choice is something I'm automatically comfortable with. I don't think it's unreasonable for spouses to have boundaries or for one partner's choices to affect the other. Marriage is about respecting each other's feelings, not just doing whatever we want because it's
work.

She's still laying there in front of a stranger in a heavily undressed state (OP states her private parts are going to be obscured by the camera angles and the model standing in front of her. so it's safe to say from that description she is going to be almost naked, except for maybe nipple pasties and maybe a thong - at best)

If you would be genuinely happy with a partner being in a significant state if undress to pose for sexualised photos that are going to be made publicly available and used for promotional materials - well, then good for you, but for the vast majority of people would understandably NOT be happy with that, and it's stupid to imply that anyone that would have an issue with that is jealous/controlling/'holding her back' or whatever. OP did not sign up for that in his marriage based on what he's told us, and he has no obligation to have to accept that.

It's obvious you don't want her to do it.
But what does she want to do?

If she's interested or tempted in the work and then you make it obvious you want her to back out what do you think she will do?

Right - and I'm wondering at this stage why he's scared to tell her no?
Maybe he's afraid of losing her and he feels like he's massively having to compromise his own standards / self respect.

The more detail you give the more wrong it sounds. Your wife wants to make "boudoir" sexy photos by herself and romantic / sexual (though not explicit) pictures with someone else. So you finding her attractive, and her friends admiring her new look in public, aren't enough for her.

The message I'm getting is that (although she might not have realised it yet) your wife has gone off you romantically and sexually. She is looking to reassure herself that she is attractive and can find someone else.

No, it's not that I want her to cancel it... but yes, a part of me doesn't want to lose that sense of exclusivity either.

I'll be honest with her and tell her exactly where I stand. If I ask her to stop, she won't do it, but I think she might secretly resent me for it.
So I'll let her make the decision herself. Whatever she chooses, it's her choice, and I'll support it. But I want her to know how I truly feel before she decides.

Maybe because his wife is a grown adult who doesn't need to be " told no" she can't take a job by her husband.

No, but she can listen to her husband's views on something, listen to where his boundaries are, and act accordingly. And accept the consequences should OP not be able to reconcile her disregard of his boundaries and see her marriage spiral.

Yes, she can do what she wants. But our actions aren't free of consequence.

Interestingly he replied just before your comment. Long story short, he is scared of expressing his opinion because he doesn't want to be resented.

Totally normal and healthy! 😅

I'm a big believer of sex work being real work, but this wasn't her job before hand - he's within his rights for this to be a relationship deal breaker.

I'm not coming from a place of insecurity. For me, it's about keeping certain things exclusive to our marriage.

I'd feel the same, tbh.

Personally, I know I would never be comfortable doing something like this myself, so I’m struggling with how I feel about it.

And I agree with this. It's not something I'd do.

Nah fuck that. It's not as if you married someone knowing they were a model or actor so got used to this kind of thing. As for the boudoir shots, they're absolutely cringey. Your poor kids having to see all this.

Could the photographer not use you as the male model?

The message I'm getting is that (although she might not have realised it yet) your wife has gone off you romantically and sexually. She is looking to reassure herself that she is attractive and can find someone else.

Completely disagree with this.

I imagine she feel flattered that she looks good enough to be asked and a bit excited at the prospect of stepping in to a world that she's a) never been part of and b) must look a certain way for. Therefore, it carries a huge degree of validation of her progress.

But I also think she hasn't considered the implications for him or her marriage.

This isn't just any modelling/photo shoot. It's intimate and sensual and I think it's perfectly reasonable the OP has some confusing feelings around it.

I also think there are a lot of women posting in favour of her doing this who wouldn't be at all impressed if their hsubands had been asked to perform these poses with a professional model!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

There is no way I'd agree to my partner doing a 'pretend wedding' photoshoot with a female model (and, sorry to everyone who thinks that's controlling, but in my relationship DP and I consult each other, which I think is far healthier than the 'I'll do whatever I want to do and my DP just has to suck it up' approach, which some people seem to take).

I would guess that most women would be uncomfortable with their partner doing this with a female model. It's not actually about trust or lack of trust. It's just weird, and I don't understand why "Claire" didn't think this could be an issue.

How invested is your wife in this idea, and how important is it financially? Would she be ok with cancelling? I would cancel if my partner told me something I want to do made them majorly unhappy. I wouldn't want to lose my relationship over a modelling job (of all things!!) unless I was already a professional model, but that's not the case here.

I'm the least jealous person ever but I don't think I'd be keen on my partner doing this, especially not as their first/only modelling job. I think I'd feel differently if modelling was their actual job.

I think in your position I'd tell her how you feel and that you're not keen and why, but say you'll leave the actual decision up to her.

Labelling this " sex work" is a bit of a stretch.
I mean it sounds more like a Blue Jeans
( 80's teen girls magazine) photo story strip than a Bonnie Blue shoot.

Thanks for understanding. I'm probably the least jealous person, but yeah, some situations can still make me feel conflicted.
I don't think anyone here is planning anything inappropriate. Claire has an important project, and she felt my wife would be a great fit, so she brought the idea to us. Honestly, it's a really good project, and it's well-funded too.
My wife has been offered something significant, and I understand why she's flattered. It could boost her confidence and give her a chance to do something new. She's genuinely excited about it and has become very invested in the opportunity. That's the situation we're dealing with.

My mind went immediately to My Guy magazine, around 1984 😂

My weekly treat was a copy of My Guy. Happy days!

Sex work is incredibly diverse and doesn't start and end with porn stars. Creating OF content and glamour modelling as an example falls into this category. Being a page 3 model for example (although I don't think they exist anymore?) would be considered sex work ... and based on the OPs updates I don't see this being a million miles off that. Hell, she could show less skin, sell feet pics instead and STILL be considered a sex worker!

If neither her or husband like the label of this potentially being 'sex work', then that probably is an even stronger indicator to reconsider.

...But regardless, this was not a pre-agreed boundary before their marriage, so he doesn't have to accept it as a condition of their ongoing relationship.

I can really understand the conflict.

On one hand, you recognise that this is a great opportunity and would be fun for her. But at what cost to your peace of mind?

From your description, there are some quite sensual/intimate poses. In your wife's shoes, I'd be flattered and probably OK with wearing a dress and standing with/hugging/gazing at someone but anything more than that and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it myself. I'm not sure I'd even want to hold hands with someone else if I'm honest! It would feel weird.😁

Has she expressed any feelings about the nature of the photos? Does she actually want to do the photos? Or is she just flattered and excited to have been asked?