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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

222 replies

ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:18

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

OP posts:
Kobayashi21 · 25/06/2021 14:19

Is he an adult or a child?

Your sister is weird, and he's entitled.

Thesheerrelief · 25/06/2021 14:20

How old is he?

Horehound · 25/06/2021 14:21

It's not the nephew that's upset, it's your sister. I bet!

Ignore

Original poster
ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:22

He’s 21. Earns his own money, lives in his own place (that his mum rented out for him without his knowledge! That’s another story…)

OP posts:
Fizzgigg · 25/06/2021 14:22

Surely she has plans with her son for his birthday already? Or you'd have assumed the did.

But you're right. You invite who you want and it sounds like it's just your family unit and your DM. Enjoy it!

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2021 14:22

@Thesheerrelief

How old is he?
In this instance I don't think it even matters, both nephew & SIL are being cheeky fuckers
TheQueef · 25/06/2021 14:24

He's 21 and you're his best option?

Fizzgigg · 25/06/2021 14:24

Wait... Cross posted.... He's 21! Seriously, stop letting him in your house and walk all over you!

IndigoHexagon · 25/06/2021 14:26

I think it was a bit mean of you to arrange a ‘family’ meal out on your nephews birthday that presumably includes his grandmother, and not extend it to include him, if he or his mum are prepared to pay for him/them. Regardless of whether he turns up at yours, etc etc he is obviously fond of you and likes to be part of your family and 21 is a special birthday, he’s still young, and I expect he’s quite hurt.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2021 14:27

@IndigoHexagon

I think it was a bit mean of you to arrange a ‘family’ meal out on your nephews birthday that presumably includes his grandmother, and not extend it to include him, if he or his mum are prepared to pay for him/them. Regardless of whether he turns up at yours, etc etc he is obviously fond of you and likes to be part of your family and 21 is a special birthday, he’s still young, and I expect he’s quite hurt.
It's just her actual family though and her mother?
AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2021 14:28

@IndigoHexagon

I think it was a bit mean of you to arrange a ‘family’ meal out on your nephews birthday that presumably includes his grandmother, and not extend it to include him, if he or his mum are prepared to pay for him/them. Regardless of whether he turns up at yours, etc etc he is obviously fond of you and likes to be part of your family and 21 is a special birthday, he’s still young, and I expect he’s quite hurt.
Also, if it is his 21st his parents should be organising something for him not his bloody aunt :/
Original poster
ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:29

I felt sorry for him for a while - he doesn’t seem to have many friends and his mum doesn’t seem to go out of her way to spend time with him (my brother lives 300 miles away with his new family) BUT it’s got to the point now where he’ll turn up at lunchtime and stay until 10 o clock at night - it disrupts our family time and costs a fortune in extra food, etc. I just feel really mean 😢

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 25/06/2021 14:30

21?? I though he'd be about 10. Tell your sister to cop the fuck on. And as for your nephew, stop feeding him and encourage him to get a life. Go for the meal as you had planned. Do not invite him. Can't imagine many 21 year olds wanting to hang out with granny, aunty and cousins for their 21st. Has he no friends to go out with?

HollowTalk · 25/06/2021 14:30

So you're supposed to invite him whenever you go anywhere? Does he invite you on nights out with his mates? Is it just that your SIL wants to be invited?

Just thinking - he wants to spend his 21st birthday with his aunt, cousins and grandmother? He knows how to live!

LadyDanburysHat · 25/06/2021 14:31

I thought you were going to be talking about a 12 year old or something. Like @TheQueef said, he's 21 and you're his best option?

Original poster
ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:34

It’s not his 21st - that was last year and I did a garden get together for him, so I do try to be thoughtful and generous to him, but it’s starting to feel really intrusive, and because he now expects it, it’s taken away the pleasure of it, if that makes sense? He never offers to contribute to takeaways, etc - and even made me pay him back for something he picked up for me from the supermarket towards a dinner he was also eating! Starting to feel like a bit of a mug 😬

OP posts:
Kobayashi21 · 25/06/2021 14:35

@IndigoHexagon

I think it was a bit mean of you to arrange a ‘family’ meal out on your nephews birthday that presumably includes his grandmother, and not extend it to include him, if he or his mum are prepared to pay for him/them. Regardless of whether he turns up at yours, etc etc he is obviously fond of you and likes to be part of your family and 21 is a special birthday, he’s still young, and I expect he’s quite hurt.
How is it mean? His parents aren't invited. Don't be daft.
ArrrMeHearties · 25/06/2021 14:35

Id understand slightly (but only just) if your dn was 5 or 6 but 21... Nah he needs to get a grip and put his big boy pants on and grow up

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/06/2021 14:37

So odd.

It's basically your household having dinner together, you are inviting your own mum as a late birthday treat. So so strange that he would even question an invite.

Are your DC the same age as him? Are they all mates?

Cattitudes · 25/06/2021 14:38

I feel a bit sorry for him that your brother moved so far away and his mother doesn't want to spend his birthday with him. I do though understand you have planned this for your DM. What is her view and I would be expecting your brother to chip in or the nephew if he has some earnings.

iklboo · 25/06/2021 14:47

Your DSIL is weird. She's his mother, she should be arranging something for him not you.

notthemum · 25/06/2021 14:48

Sorry, tell your sis/sis in law that this is just your family unit with your mum this time.
Tell her he is not your child and you cannot/will not continue to feed him and basically babysit him at the weekends, because in all honesty this is what you are doing.
Maybe tell them both that although it is nice to occasionally spend time with family it is not the way that things are usually arranged and as of now he must phone before turning up to see if it is convenient.
You are happy to pay for the odd take away now and again but you are not happy to do it all the time.
Not your circus, not your monkey. Have this. 🍷. I would have lost my shit well before now.

iklboo · 25/06/2021 14:48

I feel a bit sorry for him that your brother moved so far away and his mother doesn't want to spend his birthday with him.

He's 21 not 6!

Holly60 · 25/06/2021 14:49

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of it, your nephew has expressed that he would like to attend. I can understand your point of view, but I too would feel a bit mean not letting him come along. Especially as it doesn’t sound like he really has a nuclear family unit himself - he probably just enjoys feeling part of a family with you. Plus it’s his birthday ….

Justilou1 · 25/06/2021 14:50

Time to spell it out to both of them…