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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

222 replies

ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:18

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

OP posts:
princesslarmadrama · 25/06/2021 17:54

I completely disagree with you having to invite. You do more than enough for him. The meal is about your mum not his birthday. I'd either ignore the text or say why aren't you arranging something for his birthday!

olidora63 · 25/06/2021 17:59

@NursieBernard

I feel sorry for him, perhaps he enjoys the family environment at your house and is feeling lonely. You definitely need to have a chat with him and agree on times that he can visit etc. His mum and dad sound like they need to step up and show him some love, the way you describe your brother being with his 'new family' is very telling of how your nephew probably feels.
100%this.
SpeakingFranglais · 25/06/2021 17:59

@ChangChang

He’s 21. Earns his own money, lives in his own place (that his mum rented out for him without his knowledge! That’s another story…)
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
notanothertakeaway · 25/06/2021 18:00

I feel for him, with a family meal / get together / celebration on his 21st birthday and he's not invited

iklboo · 25/06/2021 18:01

I would be chuffed that he wanted to spend time with us to be honest but that's just me, I would like a more extended family living nearby and to be more involved. The reality might be painful!!

He spends practically every weekend there, getting fed & watered all day and asks for reimbursement for one item he brought for tea. It's not like OP sees him once in a blue moon.

iklboo · 25/06/2021 18:01

@notanothertakeaway - it's not his 21st birthday. He's already 21

Summerfun54321 · 25/06/2021 18:06

He needs to get a life put bluntly. At 21 he really should have taken responsibility for his own social life and happiness by now. You’re not helping him by letting him hang out with you all the time OP.

BillyIsMyBunny · 25/06/2021 18:24

How old are your DC? Are they also early twenties or late teens? It seems odd to me that your nephew wants to spend so much time at his aunties house, doesn’t he have any of his own friends? I definitely don’t think you’re being unreasonable, you are entitled to time as a family unit without him!

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 25/06/2021 18:26

21! WTF!

whynotwhatknot · 25/06/2021 18:41

Ffs hes an adult hes got a cushy life sounds spoilt tbh and sponges off his aunt-his own mother should take him out if shes so concerned

QuitMoaning · 25/06/2021 18:47

I think a lot of people here are mean.

My son is slightly older but his father lives a lot further away with his new family. If he sees his dad’s side of the family as much as your nephew sees you then I can understand him being hurt and I think you should extend to include him for this occasion. I would be hurt for my son if he wasn’t invited.

The issue of him turning up and taking the piss of your hospitality and generosity the rest of the time is a separate issue and maybe you could start by explaining how it works to him. He needs to learn this as he grows up and it would appear his parents aren’t doing this so you would be doing him a favour.

roguetomato · 25/06/2021 18:50

21 years old wants to spend his birthday with his Aunt's family sounds totally wrong.

ddl1 · 25/06/2021 18:50

This is ridiculous; either your SIL or nephew or both are being outrageously cheeky. This meal is for your Mum.

JSL52 · 25/06/2021 18:52

I'd ask your SIL what she's got planned for her SON's birthday?

AHobbyaweek · 25/06/2021 18:53

I'm not sure where people have got the idea it is his whole family going to the dinner. From the OP it seems it is just her house and her mum so the SIL isn't invited either. She is trying to get her son a seat but not herself?

ddl1 · 25/06/2021 18:57

He needs to get a life put bluntly. At 21 he really should have taken responsibility for his own social life and happiness by now. You’re not helping him by letting him hang out with you all the time OP.

'he really should have taken responsibility for his own social life'... What social life? 'get a life'? No one has had much of a life in the last year and a half. There is nothing wrong with hanging out with your older relatives; that used to be the norm in many societies.

I do think that he's being a CF (see my other post); and at the very least, he should have made any complaints himself, not got his Mum to make them for him. But I don't think it's fair to blame people more broadly for not conforming to some sort of age-norm in their social life, at a time which has been anything but normal.

Standrewsschool · 25/06/2021 19:00

You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not up to you to facilitate his birthday celebrations. Why can’t nephew’s mum take him out on his birthday?

Riv · 25/06/2021 19:00

AS it's your DSiL telling you second hand about your DN I think you are well within your rights to tell her that it's a special occasion for your mother and DN is not invited, although he'd be welcome for a cuppa afterwards (if that's what you feel is OK)
I think that if HE had contacted you personally, as an adult, and asked if he could come too it would be a different matter. You could tell him the arrangements and his share of the costs / approximate costs of his meal (so he can budget for it obvs).
As to the full day every weekend he spends with you, I'd start dropping big hints about other ways to spend the weekend and give him warning that you and your immediate family won't be "at home" to him quite as often once the Covid restrictions are fully lifted as you'll all be spending some time individually catching up with things you've not been able to do over the last 18 months. Maybe make sure you are all out for the weekend morning or the afternoon once in a while, you could even suggest you all meet up at his after your individual outings and he can cook you a meal for a change.
Ease him away and into the adult role gently but firmly. It's probably never occurred to him to take on that role when you are around.

CakeWarrior · 25/06/2021 19:04

Whats the bet he turns up at Op's house about half an hour before she is due to leave to make her obligated to invite him along rather than " rightio Xxx we are off now, will see you next week" and usher towards the door. I would text DSIL and ask:

" How and why is it my responsibility to invite DN out to my own private family events when I already graciously feed and host him each week? He is your son and not my responsibility to sort his birthday.... that lies with yourself?"

LizzieAnt · 25/06/2021 19:10

@AHobbyaweek

I'm not sure where people have got the idea it is his whole family going to the dinner. From the OP it seems it is just her house and her mum so the SIL isn't invited either. She is trying to get her son a seat but not herself?
I think it's his aunt (the OP) plus partner, and his cousins (with whom he spends a lot of time) plus his granny who are going to dinner. His own dad and dad's new family are 300 miles away. The only other local family member mentioned is SIL (the OP's nephew's mother). So it seems possible that quite a lot of his local family are going?
SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/06/2021 19:13

@IndigoHexagon

I think it was a bit mean of you to arrange a ‘family’ meal out on your nephews birthday that presumably includes his grandmother, and not extend it to include him, if he or his mum are prepared to pay for him/them. Regardless of whether he turns up at yours, etc etc he is obviously fond of you and likes to be part of your family and 21 is a special birthday, he’s still young, and I expect he’s quite hurt.
Don't talk soft!

It is OP, her partner and children celebrating her DM's birthday. Other family members aren't being invited.

It's not a family celebration eg wedding, baptism where everybody but this one MAN is invited.

He doesn't land on OP every week because he's fond of her - it's because eh knows he will be fed while his mother gets on with whatever she wants to do.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/06/2021 19:17

I think you need to separate the meal with DM from the visits. You can tell him you love him and want to see him just not every weekend.

With regard to the meal, well I think it is not unreasonable he hoped to both celebrate his grandmothers birthday and spend time with her if she is going away for a while. You could ask him to contribute his share of the meal

FuckyouCovid21 · 25/06/2021 19:18

And it's not his 21st FFS, he was 21 last year!

iklboo · 25/06/2021 19:24

With regard to the meal, well I think it is not unreasonable he hoped to both celebrate his grandmothers birthday and spend time with her if she is going away for a while. You could ask him to contribute his share of the meal

It's not her actual birthday - it's a belated meal out. Presumably he'd have had plenty of time to see her, spend time with her, arrange something himself. Likewise that she's going away for a while. Contribute to the meal? He asked for money back for a couple of bits he brought with him once.

I reckon he was expecting another weekend of free food & drink from OP and is pissed off she won't be there to wait on him hand & foot for one night.

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 19:25

It is OP, her partner and children celebrating her DM's birthday. Other family members aren't being invited.

It's quite odd though that they have decided to celebrate on a day which isn't the DMs birthday (which appears to have been and gone) but IS the nephew's birthday. Yes, he lands on OP every week, his Dad isn't local and the only other family of his OP mentions is his mother. And the one week she plans something without him, just happens to be his birthday and includes all the people he usually spends his weekends with except him.

I think there are huge issues here and he does need to be encouraged to be independent and treated like an adult. If OP
planned this any other day except his birthday then I wouldn't hesitate to answer that SIL and DN are being utterly ridiculous. But I do see the timing of this and the fact it does seem to exclude him from the people he finds important in his life, really quite spiteful and mean. Sure he could celebrate his birthday with just his Mum. But I think it's understandable he would have wanted to spend the time with more than just one member of family, given that he can't magic up an established friendship group overnight. OP has ensured he can't have his local family at any birthday celebration he might have wanted. SIL is also to blame
for not being more proactive and arranging something but maybe she just didn't expect OP to arrange a birthday meal for someone else whose birthday it isn't on the day of her son's birthday.

No one is innocent in this situation.