AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

[ChangChang]

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

Gosh yes. You don't talk about food you give to a visitor

You do when the visitor is uninvited and stays for 12 hours through several mealtimes!!

@Maggiesfarm this is not very occasional or invited visitor and OP has every right to put some boundaries in terms of who is in her home, how often, for how long AND to keep her eye on her food budget. It's lovely that he likes being there but you seem to be suggesting that the nephew gets to decide how things are, at no cost to himself. I wouldn't allow my own adult children to act like this, much less a nephew. I'd be expecting them to pay for odd takeaway, bring wine etc

21! If he wants a birthday meal he could speak to his own mother about it. He can't keep bothering his aunt for substitute-parenting.

Or he could get a life of his own and stop scuttling about like a child wanting mother figures to amuse him.

I think as your nephews Dad lives so far a way, and his mother has not fixed anything up for him, he is a bit of an orphan.

21 is still young and difficult though it may be he must think of you as his family. As there is a coincidence with his birthday being on nearly the same date, it would be nice to invite him.

But then it does sound as though you should speak to your brother, especially, and SIL. Nephew seems to be getting lost and shoved on to you. He needs love from his family.

He's not any kind of bloody orphan! He's 22 and OP doesn't need to be talking to his parents about his needs, ffs, she has enough to do.

@ChangChang

It’s not his 21st - that was last year and I did a garden get together for him, so I do try to be thoughtful and generous to him, but it’s starting to feel really intrusive, and because he now expects it, it’s taken away the pleasure of it, if that makes sense? He never offers to contribute to takeaways, etc - and even made me pay him back for something he picked up for me from the supermarket towards a dinner he was also eating! Starting to feel like a bit of a mug 😬

That was your chance to say, 'you're joking, right? You get fed here every weekend and you are asking me to repay you a few quid, haha.'

He might genuinely not realise that he isn't welcome to be hanging around so much. You need to make it clear. 'Okay, Michael, we are off out now, so we will see you around' and usher him towards the door.

It's strange that his mother is the one contacting you about tomorrow. I would just ignore the message, tbh. If he turns up and you bring him along, say to him that he is paying for his own meal.

@NursieBernard

I feel sorry for him, perhaps he enjoys the family environment at your house and is feeling lonely. You definitely need to have a chat with him and agree on times that he can visit etc. His mum and dad sound like they need to step up and show him some love, the way you describe your brother being with his 'new family' is very telling of how your nephew probably feels.

But he's a 21 year old man! My God we really do have arrested development in modern society. He should be off with friends, having relationships, not hanging around the OP's house like a waif and stray. If he is struggling, it is not the OP's issue to manage, she can be a loving aunt but expectations here seem to be going way beyond that

@Kobayashi21

He's not any kind of bloody orphan! He's 22 and OP doesn't need to be talking to his parents about his needs, ffs, she has enough to do.

Agree, everyone - the OP, his mum - seem to be treating him like a child. No wonder he acts like one!

So sorry OP. I just saw he was 21 last year.
Just say, no. It is your private evening with your DM.

Omg I thought he was like 6!!

What @Gullible2021, assuming that your Mum is his nan.

It sounds like you're the closest thing he's got to a family. How would you feel if the people you thought were your closest family - or perhaps think about how you'd have felt prior to having a family, if you're closest friends - had organised a celebration on your birthday which didn't include you.

You presumably could have organised this for any other day, why did you organise it for your nephew's birthday? If you see that much of him, did you not think he might like to see you on his birthday? Could you not have just checked with him?

Or did you do it deliberately to make a point because, as you've made it clear, you don't like him? Because it's a nasty passive aggressive way of going about handling it.

@ChangChang

It’s not his 21st - that was last year and I did a garden get together for him, so I do try to be thoughtful and generous to him, but it’s starting to feel really intrusive, and because he now expects it, it’s taken away the pleasure of it, if that makes sense? He never offers to contribute to takeaways, etc - and even made me pay him back for something he picked up for me from the supermarket towards a dinner he was also eating! Starting to feel like a bit of a mug 😬

This, along with the fact he spends most weekends with you sounds a bit like he’s struggling a bit to move into adulthood (as many of us do). Things like asking for money for something you’ve picked up for a meal you’re about to eat when you frequently get fed by someone is pretty typical of a lot of young adults around family - keeping in the kid role and not stepping up to the adult role.

His mum doesn’t spend much time with him, but it sounds like your brother doesn’t either. Perhaps you could have a word with your brother to point out his parenting responsibilities haven’t ended and his son is struggling a bit and needs a bit of supportive interest and guidance. Does his mum, perhaps, see your support of your nephew as the stand-in for what his father should be doing?

YANBU about the meal. And next time he does come over for dinner, ask him to pick something up for the meal again and if he asks for money make some kind and gentle comment about isn’t it about time he started contributing a bit, now he’s grown up, and don’t hand the money over).

It's a shame that you can't invite a friend of your Mums, as a surprise for her - that would make a full table of 6.

@RedMarauder

You need to start laying down boundaries for your nephew.

It is clear he doesn't have friends because no-one has shown how he should act with people.

For tomorrow tell your SIL that you expect him to spend his birthday with his own friends of his own age so he is not invited. Don't answer any more messages from her.

You need to have a proper word with your nephew as his parents clearly can't be bothered to show him how to act.

Tell him he needs to message/call you and ask to come round first. If he turns up uninvited tell him you are busy so he has to go. Repeat that he has to ask to come round first. Do not let him in Then when he comes round if he out stays his welcome tell him to go home.

If your SIL butts in on your new rules tell her that her son is an adult so it is between you and him, and don't engage with her about them.

Wow. I mean, yes he needs someone to point him in the right direction but this is such a brutal uncaring way to do it.

Surely a heart to heart about why he wants to spend all his time with his aunt and some guidance on creating a good social live and happy home for himself would be better?

Wow people are so mean!! So what if he's 21?! At 21 are you not allowed to like your family any more? Do you have to have friends to prioritise? What if you aren't good at making friends? What if you've spent a whole year struggling to keep in contact with people during a pandemic and just really feel your most comfortable with your aunt and granny?

If he's asked to come with you then you should embrace it and be grateful he wants to spend time with you still.

I hope I'd never freeze my nephew's out because I thought they were too old to be part of my family any more!

I think it would be churlish to refuse this rather strange 21 year old, but make a decision to be better with boundaries in future.

Your not being U OP.

But he does see you guys as his surrogate family.

21 and wanting to spend his birthday with his aunts family...thats really sad, I"d probably ring his mum and tell him she can pay for him

@ThisIsJeopardy

If it's a celebration of his Granny's birthday, and all the rest of that side of the family is going (i.e. if your DC and him are the only grandchildren and you are each other's only local family from that side with your brother 300 miles away), and it's happening on his actual birthday but he's the only family member not invited, then yes, of course he's hurt. I don't think that's hard to understand.

Sounds like his dad abandoned him and he wants to stay close to dad's side of the family.

It's a different scenario if there are 12 grandchildren and only your two are going, or whatever.

I agree with this entirely.

It sounds like your brother has totally abandoned his son to start over again, 300 miles away, with his "new family." And now everyone's having a birthday celebration for his grandmother, and he's not invited. That sounds really hard.

Most restaurants are only allowing bookings for two households where I live.
He might not be “allowed” to come 😉

I do feel sorry for him though.
Even though I can see how irritating it would be for you.

You've don't nothing wrong. Mean ffs. This is about the older family member. Maybe if your nephew wasn't such an entitled taker you would have invited him and his embarrassing mother.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Most restaurants are only allowing bookings for two households where I live. He might not be “allowed” to come 😉

Don't do that If op doesn't want to invite him; she needs to at least own it like a grownup.

I'm not sure about this.

Is your mother DNs granny?

It does sound like he's a bit of a lost lamb if his own parents aren't even arsed about spending his birthday with him. Where's your brother in all of this? It sounds like he's just abandoned his son for his "new family" 300 miles away?

I would probably invite him, but improve your boundaries with him with regards to outstaying his welcome and contributing at other times.

I would invite him tbh, he'll be on his own on his birthday otherwise. However you need to start asking him to leave by 8 ( or whenever suits you) when he comes over at the weekend, and asking him to cook, a suggestion that you go to his. He needs to be moved into an adult role now really, he's too old to not be paying for his own takeaway unless you're specifically offering. You're allowed to be kind and have him to family dinners, whilst having boundaries of how long he can stay and a monetary contribution.

I'd send her a text back saying I assumed your son would be spending his birthday with you. You are his mother.