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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

222 replies

ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:18

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 26/06/2021 18:53

It’s not his 21st birthday, but his 22nd.

Op - did nephew turn up?

TidyDancer · 26/06/2021 18:57

Yanbu in spirit but I don't think this is the time I'd choose to make a stand. I realise you probably didn't mean it to seem that way, but I think it would've been kind to include him given the proximity to her birthday. He's a young man who has seemingly never been anyone's priority and that kind of rejection carries into adulthood. I'm not surprised he's upset about this. You don't have to invite him to everything but the timing of this is poor I think.

ChaToilLeam · 26/06/2021 19:02

Your SIL is being absolutely ridiculous. Why can’t she do something nice for her own son on his 22nd? That is her job, not yours.

I do feel a bit sorry for the lad having crap parents but there’s a bit of entitlement on his part too. And it’s clear here that comes from.

Peoniesandpeaches · 26/06/2021 19:17

@Beautiful3

Ahh I'm sorry, I've realised now that you live with your mum, the boys nan! Well that changes everything. He's allowed to drop in to his nans once a week.
Doesnt really seem like he is there to see his nan so much as get a free feed. If he really wanted to see her surely he’d be contacting her directly. Also I don’t think it’s fair that by allowing her mum to live with her she somehow ends up being on the hook for feeding and entertaining her nephew including planning birthday treats. If he wants to see his nan he can contact her directly and doesn’t always have to meet her at the OPs house.
peppermintpat · 26/06/2021 20:12

@TheQueef

He's 21 and you're his best option?
GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin
Blackcat333 · 26/06/2021 20:15

He is 22 and is hanging out with his auntie for his birthday, weirdo.

Cherrysoup · 26/06/2021 20:23

Bizarre, why would you think to include him? Does he not have his own mates? I think I’d be starting to tell him he can’t come at weekends and insist he doesn’t. Do you ever get a weekend to yourselves?

NerrSnerr · 26/06/2021 20:26

I completely agree that he shouldn't be inviting himself to events or to people's houses and he should be contributing I think people are being unkind.

In my late teens/ early 20s my parents divorced and both 'found themselves again' (with other people). Us children were not part of this finding themselves and it was a pretty lonely place. I was away at university term-time but did probably overstay my welcome at my older sisters for the first few months (after spending Christmas afternoon alone age 19 as my parents and siblings had better plans but didn't tell me I quickly disengaged from the whole shitshow). If I had a kind Aunt I may have latched onto them.

I was lucky that I had good friends but calling someone a weirdo for not having that is cruel in my opinion. There are loads of reasons why he may not have friends to celebrate with.

impossible · 26/06/2021 21:30

It does sound like you are pulling rank - which you're entitled to do of course but is a bit mean. You're arranging a birthday celebration for your nephew's grandmother on your nephew's birthday, yet not inviting him.

If you think he is upset (rather than your DSIL being manipulative) I would invite him. Otherwise, have a small celebration for him afterwards.

It sounds as though your family life is something he wants to be part of, perhaps especially as his relationship with his own parents isn't so good. I know a number of dcs around his age would say it's quite a painful time, especially if they feel separate from their own families. Just because your nephew isn't a child, doesn't mean he isn't needy.

If he's coming round most weekends anyway perhaps you could make it work better for all of you. Have a conversation with him about what he could bring - eg could he cook lunch one day. Engage with him so he know's when he is welcome and when doesn't suit. He will almost certainly know he outstays his welcome and that will be a horrible feeling. I very much doubt he's visiting you for the food so I suspect it's because he wants to be part of your family.

Tigger1895 · 26/06/2021 22:52

DSIL is upset her son was left out? That is the least of her problems as he either prefers you OR it’s easier for her to send him over to you as he’s annoying.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/06/2021 23:20

@Teachertired92

I feel sorry for your nephew. I see your point of view 100% but he clearly feels close to your family, and his own parents don’t seem to bother. Instead of seeing it as a burden, try to see it as a blessing that he feels that close to you
Just when I thought I couldn't find the use of word 'blessing' or 'blessed' more annoying....
PommieCheeks75 · 27/06/2021 09:38

Invite him, he sounds a bit lonely but make it clear you are not paying for everyone (him)

Glamgran3 · 27/06/2021 12:02

@Holly60

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of it, your nephew has expressed that he would like to attend. I can understand your point of view, but I too would feel a bit mean not letting him come along. Especially as it doesn’t sound like he really has a nuclear family unit himself - he probably just enjoys feeling part of a family with you. Plus it’s his birthday ….
I tend to agree with Holly. If it’s his birthday why not give him the meal as his present and let him spend the day with his grandmother and the family he clearly has a lot of regard for. You’ve been very kind including him in your family and would be a shame to spoil the good work over this. Maybe after that work on setting some boundaries you are comfortable with. You are the adult and the boundary setter he’s just going along with things the way they’ve been set up for ages.
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 27/06/2021 19:19

Aw he sounds lonely and thinks you are his surrogate family. Its a compliment really that he wants to be with you. His own Dad and Mum need to step up obviously.

He is just being a young 21 year old. How about saying you love him dearly and see him on a regular basis which has a pre-arranged start and end?

Its your precious time with your mother so have fun. She and you deserve it xxx

WildfirePonie · 27/06/2021 20:19

OP, I hope you end the weekend visits.

Change your locks if you have to.

He is not your problem and he is taking over your weekends,

TheoMeo · 28/06/2021 06:59

But he sounds the type who could benefit from a firm nudge to finding his own entertainment. Taking the easy option of lounging at Aunty's probably isn't doing him any great favours.

Lunde · 28/06/2021 16:15

@TheoMeo

But he sounds the type who could benefit from a firm nudge to finding his own entertainment. Taking the easy option of lounging at Aunty's probably isn't doing him any great favours.
I agree. It is a self-fulfilling prophesy unless he does something different

He's not going to find friends of his own if he is always at your house - new friends are not going to parachute into your living room.

Original poster
ChangChang · 22/07/2021 09:07

Just wanted to drop in with an update, and to thank you all for your replies, it has given lots to think about! In the end, my nephew did come out with us and it was fine - we had a nice time but I did feel like it became more about him than it did about my mum, who I was really looking to spoil and bolster before she set off to see her mum for perhaps the last time. The reason I’d arranged it for that day is because my nephew doesn’t get in contact between turning up on the doorstep - so I literally had no idea he had any expectations of me on his birthday and (wrongly) assumed he’d have made his own land for his birthday. Since then, he’s been a real pain about turning up all the time - ho doesn’t take a hint and doesn’t listen even when I say it’s not convenient, etc. He seems to think that because we’re ‘just at home’ that his being there is fine, but it means we can never properly relax or just ‘be’. Bracing myself for the weekend ahead and determined to be tough but fair…

OP posts:
paniniswapx3 · 22/07/2021 20:09

Sounds like you need to tell him very straight and be very blunt. Failing that, blockade the door and don't open it if he turns up (not ideal but if you can't speak to him, then he might get the hint that way!).

PunishmentSnart · 22/07/2021 21:00

Go on, you’re going to say you paid for his meal aren’t you?

CanofCant · 22/07/2021 21:27

While I do feel sorry for him having feckless and uninterested parents, he is still a cheeky fucker.

It sounds like a claustrophobic nightmare and I completely understand you feeling put upon. It won't change however unless you say something!

LookItsMeAgain · 23/08/2021 10:50

@ChangChang - I'm just wondering if things have improved over the past month since your DM's birthday meal out? Has he stopped hanging around as much or has it increased?

Hope you're able to socialise without him inviting himself to whatever it is you're doing.

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