AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

[ChangChang]

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

@ChangChang

Thanks all for your thoughts - I do appreciate the balance of opinions, because I genuinely feel 50/50 about it all. Generally people do seem to see me as ‘the one who will sort things out’ eg I’m the one who’s expected to make family arrangements / care for my mum, etc. And it’s all of that that’s getting to me, and I think the intensity of my nephew’s expectations has just got beyond what I feel I’m capable or wanting to offer. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. My brother does try and keep a relationship with my nephew but he won’t drive to his dad’s for visits despite many invitations. Date-wise, it was a question of fitting it in before my mum goes to visit my Nan who is very unwell, so we don’t know how long she’ll be away for, and she leaves early on Sunday. I thought it reasonable that we might see my nephew for a quick cuppa / piece of cake, etc during the day, but didn’t expect to have to play host again. I do love him, I do want to see him now and then but I don’t want to feel bound by his expectations…

I think that given the volume of contact you have with him, the closeness of relationship he perceives and the fact that previous years it's you that arranged his birthday, I understand why he feels totally left out and probably, as daft as it may seem to you, but as though his world has been taken from underneath him.

Your brother sounds as crap dad. His mum is trying though not able to give all he needs,which is compounded by his close relationship with his cousins, who I imagine he perceives more like siblings. I maybe more sensitive to this as my only child has this closeness of relationship with the cousins and I'd hate for this to unfold in the future.

And tbh, I find it at best thoughtless you arranged this on his birthday and at worst quite bitchy as if you are trying to make a point. If you want him to contribute, then say so! Imo, this now reflects badly on you. Yes, he may realise now how you feel, so in effect you have achieved your aim. What about the potential impact of feeling that the family he thought he was a valued member of, really are as crap as his father!

He may be 21 turning 22,but being secure in our home life and family, is the building blocks of how we manage our future.

Would the expectation be that if he came you would pay for his meal? Is your SIL expecting you to pick up the slack of your brother? I would simply say you thought they'd have their own plans and were disappointed you and your family weren't invited to those.

NumberTheory I see your point and yes you're right that it would across as a dig.

Perhaps passive aggressive was the best I could come up with when my first instinct is to phone her up and bellow "feck off you cheeky, grabby, infantilising piece of work. Do your own arse-wiping tomorrow and forever after."

So he's your brother's son, and your brother has abandoned him?

Sounds like he's adopted you as a substitute parent as you're siblings and it feels 'fair' to him. His behaviour feels a bit grabby/cheeky if you see him as just a nephew, but if he was an actual child, it would come across as spoilt, but more normal. Parents put up with all kinds of crap from their own kids.

I get your POV, you're totally not unreasonable, but gosh, it's sad for your nephew that his father has rejected him for new shiny models.

I see that you don’t always want him hanging around but I also feel desperately sorry for him as he obviously sees you as a substitute family whilst you don’t feel the same. He sounds really lonely and having his family go out for a meal on his birthday and not welcome him along just feels so sad. His parents sound really crap. Mine would always take me out for a meal around my birthday at that age. 21 is not that old.

Generally people do seem to see me as ‘the one who will sort things out’ eg I’m the one who’s expected to make family arrangements / care for my mum,
This seems to stem from childhood - and you are the 'capable' one.
It was late in life that I decided no more - sorting dysfunctional siblings and their children etc was giving me anxiety - and, surprise, surprise - when I stepped back they found they could manage quite ok on their own.
In fact my 'help' had probably held them back. I ended up with a much better and friendlier relationship afterwards. And should have done it years ago.

Does he have a good relationship/friendship with your DC? Are they a similar age? This is the only reason I can fathom he'd want to hang around so much!

I'm on the fence. I do think he's cheeky to be just turning up and staying for the day but I also know what it's like to be a young adult with parents who are not that bothered about you.

I also think the posts that seem to be mocking him for not spending it with friends a bit mean, not everyone is good with making friends.

Would it be worth trying to talk to him shout expectations now he's an adult? I know it's not the OP's 'job' but it might make him realise he has to contribute, let you know when he's coming etc.

Your brother , sil and nephew, are cf!
At 21, your Dn needs to get a grip tbh.
Your Sil needs a good talking too.
Prioritize your family

Clearly he sees you as his surrogate family, as his own don’t seem to amount to much sadly, and I guess that’s why he doesn’t seem to have adequate boundaries, you don’t with immediate family. Much better for you to start being assertive in a kind way, about what you can and can’t manage, then passively aggressively leave him out of things to get a break from him. Especially a celebration with his extended family happening on his birthday.

@TheoMeo

Generally people do seem to see me as ‘the one who will sort things out’ eg I’m the one who’s expected to make family arrangements / care for my mum, This seems to stem from childhood - and you are the 'capable' one. It was late in life that I decided no more - sorting dysfunctional siblings and their children etc was giving me anxiety - and, surprise, surprise - when I stepped back they found they could manage quite ok on their own. In fact my 'help' had probably held them back. I ended up with a much better and friendlier relationship afterwards. And should have done it years ago.

This is very true.

As you've mentioned on other threads,
you live with your Mum. Your nephew is round every week. Get him to spend time with her one to one, she's his Grandmother after all, and you go out. Or get him to babysit and go out on a childfree date with your partner.

Delegate. But, you need a frank conversation with all your family and to explain you are sick of having to take all the responsibility and you'd like to share the load. Call up your brother. Ask him when he's going to have your Mum for a week. Tell your nephew he can't stay all day on a weekend but he can take his Grandma out for cake while you spend quality time with your kids, or he can take the kids to a theme park so you can have a day with your partner etc. Tell him "I cooked/hosted last time so it's your turn next month." etc He'll either step up or find another way of spending his time.

I think the intensity of my nephew’s expectations has just got beyond what I feel I’m capable or wanting to offer. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

This is what you have to tell nephew tbh.

He’s old enough and if you do it sensitively (and I’m sure you would because you sound really lovely) he’ll get it.

@Waspsarearseholes

Bloody hell. Why is it always up to the woman to organise shit like this? Why couldn't the nephew, a 21 year old man, say to his family, "It's my birthday next weekend, are you free to come out for a meal?" Instead of arranging the sum total of fuck all and then getting pissed off that the OP made plans with her mother instead? I adore my nephews and nieces but there's no way I plan every social event with them in mind. OP's nephew has dominated so many of her weekends that he and his mother both expect him to be included in her close family arrangements. You do not fail to arrange something for your own/your son's birthday then get pissed off because other people have made other plans. The entitlement of this pair is flabbergasting. As to the commenters saying it's 'unspeakably cruel' and the nephew has made a tremendous effort to spend time with the OP, what a weird way of looking at this situation. Are we to be grateful when someone makes an effort to invite themselves to our homes every weekend, expecting to be fed all meals and outstaying their welcome? Really? If the nephew or his mother wanted the OP and granny to spend time with the birthday boy then why the hell didn't they arrange something, or even let them know?! It sounds like the nephew wasn't bothered about seeing OP or granny on his birthday at all, until he knew they had other plans and he thought he could get a free meal out of them.

Completely agree with this. You've done nothing wrong Op - stick to your plans & start standing up for yourself!

I assume you will pay for your DM's meal as well as your partners and children. If your nephew goes he will have to pay for his own meal won't he?

He needs educating in thinking about other people.

Quite. His great-grandmother is 'very unwell', but he, or his mother, is making it all about him.

Doesn't he have any family on his mother's side?

@socalledfriend

My brother does try and keep a relationship with my nephew but he won’t drive to his dad’s for visits despite many invitations

So it's up to DN to do the travelling? His own dad won't come to see him? I am feeling more and more sorry for him tbh. Although I appreciate he isn't your direct responsibility OP, you should be proud of yourself for providing DN with some semblance of normal family life, despite his parent's failings.

Doesn't mean he should take the piss though, so just gently enforce some boundaries and hopefully you won't feel resentful.

Do invite him for his birthday though......

By my reading, it's the nephew who won't drive to see his dad - "he won’t drive to his dad’s for visits despite many invitations".

Your SIL and brother need to grow up and take responsibility for their child. You go with the meal you planned. Nephew goes to mothers for his birthday. His grannie can visit later. What's the problem. Just say No.

What did you do in the end OP? Because YANBU at all and I hope you had a lovely birthday.

And as PP said, time to start setting some boundaries that he can't turn up without warning or invitation. He sounds like a right pain in the Arse.

I feel sorry for your nephew. I see your point of view 100% but he clearly feels close to your family, and his own parents don’t seem to bother. Instead of seeing it as a burden, try to see it as a blessing that he feels that close to you

As you've mentioned on other threads,
you live with your Mum

See this puts a slightly different spin on things, he still shouldn't be staying all day but its not that unreasonable for him to visit his Nan once a week. Does his Nan want to see him once a week?

Would you be expected to pay for him, too??

Completely ignore the message/text and carry on with your plans.
There’s no rule that says you have to reply to a text.

I think it's lovely that he wants to see you. But staying that long every Saturday is a bit off. If it were me, I'd make myself busy every other Saturday, to stop him dropping in. I'd go to my mums or likewise for the afternoon and night time. That should spur him on to message you, to agree a convenient date and time. Every Saturday is too much.

Ahh I'm sorry, I've realised now that you live with your mum, the boys nan! Well that changes everything. He's allowed to drop in to his nans once a week.

I think planning your first meal out on his 21st birthday and including members of his family is a bit crap to be honest. Of all the dates you could have chosen? I’d treat him this time.