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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

222 replies

ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:18

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 25/06/2021 14:56

@iklboo

I feel a bit sorry for him that your brother moved so far away and his mother doesn't want to spend his birthday with him.

He's 21 not 6!

I think it probably reflects that things have gone wrong for him with his own parents. I agree that you need boundaries in place and not necessarily for this event but it sounds as if he feels a bit abandoned. I would be having a word with your brother. Although at 21 he is an adult at that age my parents would have been offering for me to come to them, even if I had better options and refused.
gah2teenagers · 25/06/2021 14:57

He needs to start paying you some rent by the sounds of it. Time to pull up ya big girl pants. SIL is a cheeky fucker.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 25/06/2021 14:58

I want to know about the rented house Grin

Chikapu · 25/06/2021 14:59

Does he not have friends to spend his birthday with?

longtompot · 25/06/2021 15:01

Do you normally spend his birthday with him?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/06/2021 15:02

A 21 year old who is desperate to spend with birthday with his aunt and grandma? Your SIL has told you he's upset, but is that actually likely to be true?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/06/2021 15:03

At 21, I (and everyone else I knew of the same age) made my own plans, and those plans definitely didn't include elderly relatives!

It sounds like there is another issue here. Why doesn't he have his own social life?

LookItsMeAgain · 25/06/2021 15:07

I'd send something along these lines as a text:
"Hi SiL, I didn't invite Nephew as I thought as his mother you would have something planned for him. How foolish I was to think that. Unfortunately, the reservation has been made and we can't include any others on it. We will of course be in touch to wish him a happy birthday but on this occasion, he has not been invited. Can't wait to see whatever you've got planned for him for tomorrow. Talk again soon. Chang".

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 15:09

In general he's being ridiculous.

BUT

Is your Mum his Grandma? If so it's quite mean to arrange a celebration ON his actual birthday that means his Grandma and cousins would not be able to attend any celebration he might have. It could seem quite personal to set up a separate celebration on the exact same day so I could understand why he might feel upset.

But the rest of the set up is weird and needs nipped in the bud.

Kobayashi21 · 25/06/2021 15:09

@LookItsMeAgain

I'd send something along these lines as a text: "Hi SiL, I didn't invite Nephew as I thought as his mother you would have something planned for him. How foolish I was to think that. Unfortunately, the reservation has been made and we can't include any others on it. We will of course be in touch to wish him a happy birthday but on this occasion, he has not been invited. Can't wait to see whatever you've got planned for him for tomorrow. Talk again soon. Chang".
That would be quite a dickish text to send.
LookItsMeAgain · 25/06/2021 15:10

@HotToddyColdSauvignon

I want to know about the rented house Grin
Me too!!!
NursieBernard · 25/06/2021 15:10

I feel sorry for him, perhaps he enjoys the family environment at your house and is feeling lonely. You definitely need to have a chat with him and agree on times that he can visit etc. His mum and dad sound like they need to step up and show him some love, the way you describe your brother being with his 'new family' is very telling of how your nephew probably feels.

RedMarauder · 25/06/2021 15:11

You need to start laying down boundaries for your nephew.

It is clear he doesn't have friends because no-one has shown how he should act with people.

For tomorrow tell your SIL that you expect him to spend his birthday with his own friends of his own age so he is not invited. Don't answer any more messages from her.

You need to have a proper word with your nephew as his parents clearly can't be bothered to show him how to act.

Tell him he needs to message/call you and ask to come round first. If he turns up uninvited tell him you are busy so he has to go. Repeat that he has to ask to come round first. Do not let him in Then when he comes round if he out stays his welcome tell him to go home.

If your SIL butts in on your new rules tell her that her son is an adult so it is between you and him, and don't engage with her about them.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/06/2021 15:16

He is coming across as a bit of a dim 21 year old who has his mother rent out a flat/apartment for him (by the sounds of things), doesn't put his hand in his pocket to pay for anything, arrives at any time of the day to the OP's house and doesn't leave until late in the evening and contributes nothing but additional stress to the OP.
Sure, he's lonely. He needs to start making his OWN friends. Go out and socialise with his OWN friends. This is not up to the OP to fix.

HoppingPavlova · 25/06/2021 15:16

and even made me pay him back for something he picked up for me from the supermarket towards a dinner he was also eating!

??? How did he ‘make’ you do this? Why didn’t you give a tinkly laugh, say ‘oh, i that’s a funny one, you nearly made me think you were serious there, so funny’ and just move on. If he persisted just say ‘no, gosh no, don’t be so silly, of course you should be happy to contribute, so funny to think otherwise’.

IntoAir · 25/06/2021 15:19

If your Sister in law wanted a family celebration for her adult son she should have organised it.

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 25/06/2021 15:22

I'll watch out for your nephew on the Stately Homes thread.

thevassal · 25/06/2021 15:30

@Holly60

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of it, your nephew has expressed that he would like to attend. I can understand your point of view, but I too would feel a bit mean not letting him come along. Especially as it doesn’t sound like he really has a nuclear family unit himself - he probably just enjoys feeling part of a family with you. Plus it’s his birthday ….
Sounds like he would expect OP to pay for him though, which on top of everything else he sponges off her might be a bit insulting! I think you have been a bit of a Mug tbh op and you probably do need to have a serious chat with him saying while he's welcome in your house (if he is!) he's not a child any more (and he's never been your child in the first place) so if he's eating your food etc he needs to contribute.

I understand you probably expected him to come to this realisation himself but as he doesn't seem to have in the six years between turning 16-22 you will have to spell it out to him otherwise he will still be expecting you to entertain and pay for him when he's 32, 42, etc....

he still seems to be stuck in the "he's the child you're the grown ups" stage and why would he want to leave it when he's getting the best of both worlds? Independence when he wants it but free food and home comforts too!

Although why it's up to you to provide all this to him and not one of his actual parents....!

ThisIsJeopardy · 25/06/2021 15:30

If it's a celebration of his Granny's birthday, and all the rest of that side of the family is going (i.e. if your DC and him are the only grandchildren and you are each other's only local family from that side with your brother 300 miles away), and it's happening on his actual birthday but he's the only family member not invited, then yes, of course he's hurt. I don't think that's hard to understand.

Sounds like his dad abandoned him and he wants to stay close to dad's side of the family.

It's a different scenario if there are 12 grandchildren and only your two are going, or whatever.

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/06/2021 15:31

@TheQueef

He's 21 and you're his best option?
This! 😂
ifonly4 · 25/06/2021 15:32

I thought you were going to say he was 7. You're entitled to see all members of the family and do different things with them. If he feels he's missed out, say you'd love to go out for a meal with him if he'd like to arrange it. When the bill comes, sit back and wait for him to pay.

Next weekend, I'd get yourselves out early before he turns up.

Theunamedcat · 25/06/2021 15:34

I went down to my daughter in her 21st birthday spent a few hours with her but the night was for her and her friends (and cake lots of cake)

LizzieAnt · 25/06/2021 15:34

I think, as your DM is his grandmother, it's a bit different to a situation where your DM was not his grandmother, but an in-law instead. If he does spend a lot of time with your family, as it seems he does, it seems a bit odd to organise a celebration for the day of his birthday that includes his cousins, aunt and granny, but excludes him. Another day would have been a better choice perhaps.
It does sound like you need to address boundaries for the future, but his birthday isn't the day I'd choose to do this.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/06/2021 15:41

I was all on for being understanding to a point in so far as he sounds a bit lonely, lost and maybe even vulnerable and clearly enjoys the family vibe at your house, seeing you more as a second mum than anything....but the asking you for money for groceries smacks more of a cheeky fucker who is taking advantage of your good nature. The line seems to have pushed and pushed way past what most people would deem normal so much so that you are questioning yourself about this meal out - in most family set ups this wouldn't even arise to agonise over. Time to push back and move the boundaries back to normal levels, for his sake as much as yours. Hopefully this can be done in a way that doesn't damage relationships long term but I think it must be done

Maggiesfarm · 25/06/2021 15:44

@ChangChang

I felt sorry for him for a while - he doesn’t seem to have many friends and his mum doesn’t seem to go out of her way to spend time with him (my brother lives 300 miles away with his new family) BUT it’s got to the point now where he’ll turn up at lunchtime and stay until 10 o clock at night - it disrupts our family time and costs a fortune in extra food, etc. I just feel really mean 😢
Gosh yes. You don't talk about food you give to a visitor.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to say you have plans when he turns up, or encourage him to telephone first, but I imagine he thinks a great deal of you and has no idea he is not welcome.

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