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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

222 replies

ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:18

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 25/06/2021 17:07

If he's asked to come with you then you should embrace it and be grateful he wants to spend time with you still.

I knew it wouldn't be long before somebody used the g word.

OP it's fine to set some boundaries. He doesn't get to determine every minute of your life, you have DCs of your own and a partner as well. it does sound like his mother doesn't want much to do with him, and that's a shame, but you're enabling her by taking on the mother role so she can think it's OK, he's got Changchang so I don't have to bother. In which case, do what a (most) mother(s) would do and make him learn some independence. And some recognition that other people have their own lives to live.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 25/06/2021 17:18

Does he have a job? Where does his income come from?

I would invite him this time, and take the chance to say 'we'll treat you for your birthday, but after this you'll need to pay your share if you come round to eat with us'.

Branleuse · 25/06/2021 17:19

id invite him. At least its out out so you can send him home again.
Id put down better boundaries another time but not on his birthday.
He sounds a bit odd for a 21 year old, and if he has no friends then maybe theres a reason for that and he just wants to be around you and feel like one of your kids

Amammi · 25/06/2021 17:19

@LizzieAnt

I think, as your DM is his grandmother, it's a bit different to a situation where your DM was not his grandmother, but an in-law instead. If he does spend a lot of time with your family, as it seems he does, it seems a bit odd to organise a celebration for the day of his birthday that includes his cousins, aunt and granny, but excludes him. Another day would have been a better choice perhaps. It does sound like you need to address boundaries for the future, but his birthday isn't the day I'd choose to do this.
I second this. He sees you and your home as his family and is feeling left out. Can you give him a pass given that's it’s his birthday and make plans to sit him down soon for a chat about boundaries what suits you best. He is obviously lonely.
HiHoSylvie · 25/06/2021 17:23

I also think the choice of date is weird, especially since you hosted his birthday last year, so clearly know the date.

But you aren't obligated to keep feeding him or to invite him for dinner and I think his mum has been a bit crap here for bringing it up with you.

HollowTalk · 25/06/2021 17:30

It could be that he wants to be part of the family or it could be that he likes getting free meals.

FinallyHere · 25/06/2021 17:32

DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow.

Tell DSiL that you wouldn't dream of usurping her role as the boy's mother for arranging his birthday celebrations.

Midnightballerina · 25/06/2021 17:33

You're not unreasonable to have not invited him but if it were me & HE asked to come he'd be more than welcome.

anotherday235 · 25/06/2021 17:34

I would be chuffed that he wanted to spend time with us to be honest but that's just me, I would like a more extended family living nearby and to be more involved. The reality might be painful!!

Original poster
ChangChang · 25/06/2021 17:35

Thanks all for your thoughts - I do appreciate the balance of opinions, because I genuinely feel 50/50 about it all. Generally people do seem to see me as ‘the one who will sort things out’ eg I’m the one who’s expected to make family arrangements / care for my mum, etc. And it’s all of that that’s getting to me, and I think the intensity of my nephew’s expectations has just got beyond what I feel I’m capable or wanting to offer. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. My brother does try and keep a relationship with my nephew but he won’t drive to his dad’s for visits despite many invitations. Date-wise, it was a question of fitting it in before my mum goes to visit my Nan who is very unwell, so we don’t know how long she’ll be away for, and she leaves early on Sunday. I thought it reasonable that we might see my nephew for a quick cuppa / piece of cake, etc during the day, but didn’t expect to have to play host again. I do love him, I do want to see him now and then but I don’t want to feel bound by his expectations…

OP posts:
Iwantanap · 25/06/2021 17:35

So everyone is going out for his granny's birthday meal the day before his birthday but he's not invited. He's already rejected by his dad and now his granny and aunt. His mum doesn't sound up to much either.

YNBU as you don't owe him anything, but you're not being very nice either. So it depends what is more important, being a decent family member or not. I can see why he's so needy at 21 with all of this going on.

inappropriateraspberry · 25/06/2021 17:38

Tell them it's not his birthday meal, and they can arrange one of their own.
Very odd. I think you need to start putting some boundaries in place or you'll never be rid!

socalledfriend · 25/06/2021 17:39

My brother does try and keep a relationship with my nephew but he won’t drive to his dad’s for visits despite many invitations

So it's up to DN to do the travelling? His own dad won't come to see him? I am feeling more and more sorry for him tbh. Although I appreciate he isn't your direct responsibility OP, you should be proud of yourself for providing DN with some semblance of normal family life, despite his parent's failings.

Doesn't mean he should take the piss though, so just gently enforce some boundaries and hopefully you won't feel resentful.

Do invite him for his birthday though......Sad

inappropriateraspberry · 25/06/2021 17:40

Is he an only child?

inappropriateraspberry · 25/06/2021 17:41

In future, ask him what he's doing/arranging for his birthday, Christmas, special occasion. Then he may realise the onus is on him to sort his own life out!

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 17:43

@Iwantanap

So everyone is going out for his granny's birthday meal the day before his birthday but he's not invited. He's already rejected by his dad and now his granny and aunt. His mum doesn't sound up to much either.

YNBU as you don't owe him anything, but you're not being very nice either. So it depends what is more important, being a decent family member or not. I can see why he's so needy at 21 with all of this going on.

It's even worse...it's the day OF his birthday Sad. I just think that's unbelievably cruel.
Flipflopblowout · 25/06/2021 17:46

Your sister is trying to palm him off on you yet again.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/06/2021 17:46

Of course he's not entitled to be invited!

You've certainly made a rod for your own back, love your DN or not! Best thing to do is slowly back away by being less available or putting on less of a meal ("Oh we're just having a lite supper of salad and cold meat" or whatever). I'd certainly want to reduce the number of visits.

Spidey66 · 25/06/2021 17:48

Clearly times have changed since i was 21. Back then (late 80s) on your birthday you went clubbing with your mates, chatting up the girls, having a few pints, and eating a kebab on the way home. Now Its a meal with your auntie and granny.

NumberTheory · 25/06/2021 17:48

My brother does try and keep a relationship with my nephew but he won’t drive to his dad’s for visits despite many invitations.

If you move 300 miles away, expecting your child to do all the travelling isn’t really trying hard. It seems like your nephew, ex-SiL and your brother are all relying on you to fill your brother’s abandoned role to some extent.

Warmduscher · 25/06/2021 17:51

I think you need to separate the regular drop-in visits and this birthday meal, which I think you should invite him to.

Have a think about how to set some boundaries for the drop-in visits and make them clear to him - you clearly do like him but you need to set his expectations to a level that means you are still happy to see him when he comes round, and don’t feel resentful, as you are clearly starting to.

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 17:52

@Spidey66

Clearly times have changed since i was 21. Back then (late 80s) on your birthday you went clubbing with your mates, chatting up the girls, having a few pints, and eating a kebab on the way home. Now Its a meal with your auntie and granny.
Yes lucky you that there was no global pandemic when you were 21 Hmm.

Clubs aren't open.

Young people's friendships, study and work opportunities have been limited. There are rules around socialising in pubs and depending where you live, many locals have been booked up every weekend for months in advance. For many young people, family is all they've had this year.

Even if that wasn't the case, I don't see what the attitude is towards young people valuing family time.

Loads of people I grew up with, myself included, did a family holiday/city break to New York for their 21st. I don't recall anyone scoffing at them.

Warmduscher · 25/06/2021 17:52

@Spidey66

Clearly times have changed since i was 21. Back then (late 80s) on your birthday you went clubbing with your mates, chatting up the girls, having a few pints, and eating a kebab on the way home. Now Its a meal with your auntie and granny.
Have you not read the thread at all?
Twistered · 25/06/2021 17:53

@IndigoHexagon

I think it was a bit mean of you to arrange a ‘family’ meal out on your nephews birthday that presumably includes his grandmother, and not extend it to include him, if he or his mum are prepared to pay for him/them. Regardless of whether he turns up at yours, etc etc he is obviously fond of you and likes to be part of your family and 21 is a special birthday, he’s still young, and I expect he’s quite hurt.
This is ridiculous
Notaroadrunner · 25/06/2021 17:53

@Holly60

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of it, your nephew has expressed that he would like to attend. I can understand your point of view, but I too would feel a bit mean not letting him come along. Especially as it doesn’t sound like he really has a nuclear family unit himself - he probably just enjoys feeling part of a family with you. Plus it’s his birthday ….
I want doesn't mean I get! Mind you, if they didn't indulge him so much on a regular basis he wouldn't expect so much. @ChangChang time to stop being so accommodating towards him. If he calls over at the weekend tell him you have plans so he needs to leave by X time and hand him his coat when it's time up. Best also to have a word with his lazy fucker of a mother and remind her whose child he actually is.
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