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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

222 replies

ChangChang · 25/06/2021 14:18

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

OP posts:
BastardMonkfish · 25/06/2021 19:32

@AHobbyaweek

I'm not sure where people have got the idea it is his whole family going to the dinner. From the OP it seems it is just her house and her mum so the SIL isn't invited either. She is trying to get her son a seat but not herself?
It sounds like that is his entire family? Minus dad 300 miles away. Can't blame the lad for feeling a bit sad that his family are all going out for a meal without him on his birthday. He makes a lot of effort to spend time with them.
HiHoSylvie · 25/06/2021 19:36

It's quite odd though that they have decided to celebrate on a day which isn't the DMs birthday (which appears to have been and gone) but IS the nephew's birthday

It really is! It might look to the nephew, as if the op did it deliberately as she resented hosting his bday last year, but was too cowardly and immature to say that! I'm sure that isn't the case, but yeesh, bad timing to do an unbirthday party for someone on someone else in the family's actual birthday. Someone who they see a lot and have celebrated birthdays with in the recent past.

Billybagpuss · 25/06/2021 19:36

Can you invite yourself to nephews house next week and tell him it’s his turn to host?

LIZS · 25/06/2021 19:39

Very odd. Why would you be told to invite him? Surely he can make his own plans?

iklboo · 25/06/2021 19:40

It's quite odd though that they have decided to celebrate on a day which isn't the DMs birthday (which appears to have been and gone) but IS the nephew's birthday

It's really not if you read the OP's posts.

Date-wise, it was a question of fitting it in before my mum goes to visit my Nan who is very unwell, so we don’t know how long she’ll be away for, and she leaves early on Sunday.

HiHoSylvie · 25/06/2021 19:43

Yeah, I read her post. Still appears odd to choose that date without doing even a half assed joint birthday dinner. It's weird, or it appears to be quite weird, that it never crossed op's mind to include him and it ends up looking like possibly a deliberate snub as payback for the irritation he has unknowingly caused her.

inappropriateraspberry · 25/06/2021 19:44

@iklboo name change fail?

Waspsarearseholes · 25/06/2021 19:48

Bloody hell. Why is it always up to the woman to organise shit like this? Why couldn't the nephew, a 21 year old man, say to his family, "It's my birthday next weekend, are you free to come out for a meal?" Instead of arranging the sum total of fuck all and then getting pissed off that the OP made plans with her mother instead? I adore my nephews and nieces but there's no way I plan every social event with them in mind. OP's nephew has dominated so many of her weekends that he and his mother both expect him to be included in her close family arrangements. You do not fail to arrange something for your own/your son's birthday then get pissed off because other people have made other plans. The entitlement of this pair is flabbergasting.
As to the commenters saying it's 'unspeakably cruel' and the nephew has made a tremendous effort to spend time with the OP, what a weird way of looking at this situation. Are we to be grateful when someone makes an effort to invite themselves to our homes every weekend, expecting to be fed all meals and outstaying their welcome? Really?
If the nephew or his mother wanted the OP and granny to spend time with the birthday boy then why the hell didn't they arrange something, or even let them know?! It sounds like the nephew wasn't bothered about seeing OP or granny on his birthday at all, until he knew they had other plans and he thought he could get a free meal out of them.

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 19:52

@iklboo

It's quite odd though that they have decided to celebrate on a day which isn't the DMs birthday (which appears to have been and gone) but IS the nephew's birthday

It's really not if you read the OP's posts.

Date-wise, it was a question of fitting it in before my mum goes to visit my Nan who is very unwell, so we don’t know how long she’ll be away for, and she leaves early on Sunday.

But the mother's birthday was in the past. If the mother's birthday was while she was away, fair enough. But they are celebrating the birthday late. That's right in the OP. So they could have celebrated ON the DMs birthday. Or before it. Or really any day before or after the visit to the OPs grandma. But somehow the only suitable date was the DNs actual birthday and he was excluded.

It wouldn't be me. But then my grandmother would also have been mortified in this situation and would have politely declined or asked to rearrange rather than attend a birthday celebration for herself after the even on her grandchild's birthday and exclude him from having a celebration with his family. It's thoughtless at best.

iklboo · 25/06/2021 19:55

Lockdown hasn't long ended for inside seating
Restaurants have been booked up
People have had other plans
It's not the entire family going out

Waspsarearseholes · 25/06/2021 19:56

It wouldn't be me. But then my grandmother would also have been mortified in this situation and would have politely declined or asked to rearrange rather than attend a birthday celebration for herself after the even on her grandchild's birthday and exclude him from having a celebration with his family. It's thoughtless at best.

But the nephew/grandson didn't arrange anything for his birthday. Is every family member supposed to keep all weekend free just incase he decides he wants a free dinner?

iklboo · 25/06/2021 19:58

It's thoughtless at best.

Why is it up to the OP to sort her nephew's birthday out? He has parents. He's 22. He has his own place to live and a job. He's not entitled to go on OP's meal just because they're related - birthday or not. I don't expect to get invited to my cousin's wife's birthday meal because it's on the same day, even if all their side of the family are going out. Because I'm an adult.

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 19:59

But the nephew/grandson didn't arrange anything for his birthday. Is every family member supposed to keep all weekend free just incase he decides he wants a free dinner?

Why would he think of arranging his birthday when the OP seems to have done it for him in the past and, on his weekly visits, somehow has never actually told him to go away as she doesn't want him there?

Waspsarearseholes · 25/06/2021 20:01

@Gullible2021 - ahh, spoken like the truly entitled!

iklboo · 25/06/2021 20:01

Why would he think of arranging his birthday when the OP seems to have done it for him in the past

Jesus Christ I've heard it all now! He doesn't ever have to arrange anything for himself ever because OP has done it before. That's a dictionary definition of entitled.

HiHoSylvie · 25/06/2021 20:04

I agree it shouldn't be up to the woman to organise everything. But much as I agree with the sentiment, choosing to celebrate gran's birthday on a pretty random date after her actual birthday...on the same day as the birthday of a relative you see every weekend would be odd in most families.

I do think op shouldn't have to bear the brunt of feeding and entertaining him, but it could look as if she's resented that silently and then lashed out with a not so subtle snub, which isn't a good look. I'm sure it was unintentional, but it was a bad choice of date.

She should be able to put boundaries in place though, but it could wrongly look to others as if she hasn't been able to do that mature setting of boundaries and then lost patience and lashed out passive aggressively. I'm sure that's not the case, but it looks bad.

Kettledodger · 25/06/2021 20:06

OMG I have no idea why the OP is getting a hard time from some on this. It is her NEPHEW not her son. He has parents that are obviously not stepping up but also he is 21!! He and your SIL need to get a fucking grip and stop being so fucking entitled.

OP by the sounds of what you did last year for his 21st you are the caring Aunt but they are both pushing this beyond what is expected or indeed what is reasonable to expect from an Aunt.

You need to start putting boundries in with you DN and having a stern talk with SIL IMO

HiHoSylvie · 25/06/2021 20:11

OMG stop being so dramatic Hmm

She isn't getting a hard time. She asked as she's "50/50" herself and people are giving their opinions. I definitely see why she doesn't want this burden of being surrogate mum every weekend. But it's really odd to have chosen his birthday as the day to stand her ground and enforce some boundaries which have been lacking for at least a year.

MichelleScarn · 25/06/2021 20:13

@iklboo

It's thoughtless at best.

Why is it up to the OP to sort her nephew's birthday out? He has parents. He's 22. He has his own place to live and a job. He's not entitled to go on OP's meal just because they're related - birthday or not. I don't expect to get invited to my cousin's wife's birthday meal because it's on the same day, even if all their side of the family are going out. Because I'm an adult.

All of this!! All of the shit and blame being thrown at OP for not centering this 21 year old .. What about himself or his own bloody mother organising something?! Ridiculous If he's asked to come with you then you should embrace it and be grateful he wants to spend time with you still. is just bonkers. So as ever "woman! acquiesce to everyone else's wants and be fucking GRATEFUL they want to glorify you with their presence." Angry
EveryoneIsThere · 25/06/2021 20:13

@ChangChang

It’s not his 21st - that was last year and I did a garden get together for him, so I do try to be thoughtful and generous to him, but it’s starting to feel really intrusive, and because he now expects it, it’s taken away the pleasure of it, if that makes sense? He never offers to contribute to takeaways, etc - and even made me pay him back for something he picked up for me from the supermarket towards a dinner he was also eating! Starting to feel like a bit of a mug 😬
Rather than feeling angry about it you could try asking him to contribute. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Zotter · 25/06/2021 20:13

If your mum is his grandma then I am surprised grandma doesn’t want him to be included being his birthday. I wouldn’t arrange a meal on a family member’s birthday if I don’t want to invite him.

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 20:16

@iklboo

Why would he think of arranging his birthday when the OP seems to have done it for him in the past

Jesus Christ I've heard it all now! He doesn't ever have to arrange anything for himself ever because OP has done it before. That's a dictionary definition of entitled.

No, I'm not saying it's right or ok.

But she's assumed responsibility in the past. She's allowed herself to be walked all over
and never once actually said what she really wants, which is for him not to be there or for him to at least contribute. She's allowed him to become completely dependent on her and her family unit socially and, then on his birthday, excluded him.

I think the whole set up is wrong and needs addressed but I also think, after allowing him
to become so dependent on the family, his birthday was not the time to make a point and ditch him.

There are faults all round here.

And I am not entitled at all. I have a huge problem with asking anything of anyone and am determined not to burden anyone. I just think this is a tale of really poor boundaries,
codependence and enabling and then a really thoughtless OR deliberately mean act.

Why does he not arrange his own celebration?

Because the people in his life have infantilised him and treated him like a
child who doesn't need to contribute financially or develop the skills
to have an independent social life and it's never occurred to him that he should.

Gullible2021 · 25/06/2021 20:17

@HiHoSylvie

OMG stop being so dramatic Hmm

She isn't getting a hard time. She asked as she's "50/50" herself and people are giving their opinions. I definitely see why she doesn't want this burden of being surrogate mum every weekend. But it's really odd to have chosen his birthday as the day to stand her ground and enforce some boundaries which have been lacking for at least a year.

PRECISELY
Runnerduck34 · 25/06/2021 20:19

I feel a bit sorry for your nephew, sounds like he prefers your family to his own, why on earth arent his parents stepping up ?!
If he regularly visits on a certain day and you book something with his grandma on that day and dont invite him I can see why he would be a bit hurt, it would have just be thoughtful and kind to include him.
21 is young and they can struggle, is he lonely? Are his mum and dad there for him? Of course you can say not my concern but unless they was very good reason my door would always be open.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/06/2021 20:21

@Waspsarearseholes

Bloody hell. Why is it always up to the woman to organise shit like this? Why couldn't the nephew, a 21 year old man, say to his family, "It's my birthday next weekend, are you free to come out for a meal?" Instead of arranging the sum total of fuck all and then getting pissed off that the OP made plans with her mother instead? I adore my nephews and nieces but there's no way I plan every social event with them in mind. OP's nephew has dominated so many of her weekends that he and his mother both expect him to be included in her close family arrangements. You do not fail to arrange something for your own/your son's birthday then get pissed off because other people have made other plans. The entitlement of this pair is flabbergasting. As to the commenters saying it's 'unspeakably cruel' and the nephew has made a tremendous effort to spend time with the OP, what a weird way of looking at this situation. Are we to be grateful when someone makes an effort to invite themselves to our homes every weekend, expecting to be fed all meals and outstaying their welcome? Really? If the nephew or his mother wanted the OP and granny to spend time with the birthday boy then why the hell didn't they arrange something, or even let them know?! It sounds like the nephew wasn't bothered about seeing OP or granny on his birthday at all, until he knew they had other plans and he thought he could get a free meal out of them.
This