Page 7 | AIBU Not to Invite My Nephew?

ChangChang · 2021-06-25T13:18:11+00:00

Booked a table for our first family meal out tomorrow, for myself, DM, 2 DCs and my boyfriend. It’s a late birthday celebration for DM before she goes away to visit her DM who is unwell. DSIL has messaged me to say that my nephew is upset not to have been invited as it’s his birthday tomorrow. For background, nephew turns up at our house almost every weekend, even when I say we’re busy, expects to stay all day long, be fed, etc. and generally out staying his welcome. I feel it’s up to my DSIL to entertain her son on his birthday and that I can choose who I like to take out for a meal! Am I being as mean as I’m being made to feel?

DroopyClematis · 25/06/2021 20:58

Bonkers.
Your nephew is now a grown man.
He doesn't need to be invited to family occasions that do not also include his parents .
He is sponging off you , financially and emotionally.
His own mum needs to step up here.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/06/2021 20:59

Has anybody asked the DM if she would like her GS at this meal, considering its both a birthday celebration and a temporary farewell?

Sweettea1 · 25/06/2021 21:14

Sounds like he is alot closer to you and your family than his own mum. I personally would never turn my nieces/nephews away especially on a big birthday. It that shows his own mother can't be bothered.

iklboo · 25/06/2021 21:19

Sounds like he is alot closer to you and your family than his own mum. I personally would never turn my nieces/nephews away especially on a big birthday. It that shows his own mother can't be bothered.

It's not a big birthday. He'll be 22.

tallduckandhandsome · 25/06/2021 21:22

YANBU. You need better boundaries. Tell nephew he needs to call and ask instead of just turning up at your house.

Lunde · 25/06/2021 21:24

@Sweettea1

Sounds like he is alot closer to you and your family than his own mum. I personally would never turn my nieces/nephews away especially on a big birthday. It that shows his own mother can't be bothered.

Since when is turning 22 a "big birthday"?

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/06/2021 21:32

And I very much doubt that when the date for the meal was being decided the OP was quietly rubbing her hands and thinking 'goody, that gets me out of hosting nephew that day'.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/06/2021 21:53

At his age I’d expect him to see his GM and aunt during the day to say happy birthday and then to have his own plans with either friends or immediate family in the evening. The fact that he hasn’t is not your problem.

His mum needs to step up here. I’d message back and say sorry not possible to change plans now, but we can pop over for morning tea/ lunch or whatever you have organised for DN to wish him happy birthday

Anyusernameleft · 25/06/2021 21:53

Send a breezy text saying this is for ypur DM so the attention will be on her for her B'day, which is as it should be. And that at his age you'd have thought he'd be out on the town with friends or that she or your DB would have organised some celebration for their son's B'day. Of course you wish him a happy day & his card & cake (if you might get him one) will be another day.

Like others I thought he must be no more than primary school years...at 21/22, a text from his Mum is a bit much. But perhaps his hanging around your family is his way of staying connected to his father. But once every so often should be enough...not constantly as you describe. I do feel a bit sad for him that even his own mother is relying on you for her son's B'day. But I don't think I'd give in tbh, I don't like people inserting themselves into other people's plans or inviting themselves & the childish emotional blackmail is manipulative.

Carry on with your plans. As for the other occasions he visits, I guess I wouldn't want him to feel unwelcome to the point that he would be hurt & stay away but I think next time (& a few times after) I'd be going somewhere & load kids in the car & head off or just not be free...as in gone off for the day ...to get the message across that you are not always there nor will you change plans just because he rocks up. It's a hard one because he is family & obvs cares about you...unless you really feel he is just using your fridge & a bit of a freeloader. Are your kids little, could you make sure he does some babysitting at least if he show up so you can have some free time or go visit your DM alone. He miggt not be so keen if everything isn't laid on for him when he turns up & he is expected to feed & care for little ones.

Enjoy your dinner out & don't feel an iota of guilt.

QueenBee52 · 25/06/2021 22:01

Well isn't he a spoiled little selfish brat..

BuddySpice · 25/06/2021 22:31

“ Gullible2021

It is OP, her partner and children celebrating her DM's birthday. Other family members aren't being invited.

It's quite odd though that they have decided to celebrate on a day which isn't the DMs birthday (which appears to have been and gone) but IS the nephew's birthday. Yes, he lands on OP every week, his Dad isn't local and the only other family of his OP mentions is his mother. And the one week she plans something without him, just happens to be his birthday and includes all the people he usually spends his weekends with except him.

I think there are huge issues here and he does need to be encouraged to be independent and treated like an adult. If OP
planned this any other day except his birthday then I wouldn't hesitate to answer that SIL and DN are being utterly ridiculous. But I do see the timing of this and the fact it does seem to exclude him from the people he finds important in his life, really quite spiteful and mean. Sure he could celebrate his birthday with just his Mum. But I think it's understandable he would have wanted to spend the time with more than just one member of family, given that he can't magic up an established friendship group overnight. OP has ensured he can't have his local family at any birthday celebration he might have wanted. SIL is also to blame
for not being more proactive and arranging something but maybe she just didn't expect OP to arrange a birthday meal for someone else whose birthday it isn't on the day of her son's birthday.

No one is innocent in this situation.”

I absolutely agree with this. The specific choice of his birthday is absolutely cruel and making me really sad for him. OP’s brother needs to actually parent him though - he’s still his child even at 22 and expecting the lad to drive 300 miles (and 300 back) to see his own dad and presumably have to stay, awkwardly, with the new family he left him and his mum for is a ridiculous expectation. Absolutely OP has the right to enforce more boundaries though as this is clearly too much for her, which is completely reasonable, but not on the poor lad‘a actual birthday. That’s a very sudden and extreme change in behaviour from what he’s used to. All the family he’s close to not wanting to see him for his birthday is really sad. And his dad clearly isn’t bothering to visit for it either :(

Friendofdennis · 25/06/2021 22:51

I think it’s a bit mean to have excluded him from a family meal on his birthday. He obviously likes spending time with you and your family and I can see why he is hurt. He probably feels rejected by his dad and is very sensitive to being excluded

saltinesandcoffeecups · 25/06/2021 23:03

I’d probably invite him, but at the same time I’d tell your sister to get bent and parent her own damn kid if it’s so important to her.

Then on a day that isn’t his birthday I’d have a proper parent to young adult chat with him. You know the one:

“You are an adult now and this means you need to start acting like one…contribute and reciprocate, understand boundaries, we love you and are happy you are part of our lives, but it’s time you transition into the adult version of you instead of Jimmy the young nephew.”

But yeah his mother needs a much harsher version of this and it is a bit odd that he wants to hang out with you all on his 22nd. By that point in my life family celebrations were relegated to the weekend before and I’d be out with friends.

airtar · 25/06/2021 23:16

I wonder if he's lonely and likes spending time with your family..?

Summerfun54321 · 25/06/2021 23:35

@ddl1 it’s fine to spend time with family but to spend large chunks of the weekend with extended family uninvited isn’t the same. Yes no ones had a social life but he’s a grown adult male who needs to take responsibility for himself and his social life and stop relying so heavy on his mum to sort it all out for him.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/06/2021 23:36

Oh my God all this bleating about his birthday, my aunts involvement with my birthdays either never existed or ended when I was about 10. The OP was very kind, if perhaps overly generous of heart to have organised a gathering for his birthday last year - that was the job of his parents or mates. Sadly OP you have perhaps positiioned yourself as The Adult Who Gives a Shit and Does Stuff in his life and it will take some disentangling to ease yourself out of that with kindness but with firm boundaries. His own parents should be the ones having a word with him about his apparent over reliance on you and if he is struggling, taking that on. Not bloody well bleating at you to do more.

Justilou1 · 26/06/2021 05:29

I think it’s about time to explain to your DN and your DS that he doesn’t pay rent or board or contribute to the food bills at your place. He’s 21, not 12 and needs to get a life. Your DS needs to take some responsibility for her own kids instead of pushing them onto you, and maybe help out a bit with your mum as well. She’s taking the piss. You should not be responsible for organizing HER kid’s birthday do, SHE should.

Maggiesfarm · 26/06/2021 05:30

@Kobayashi21

Gosh yes. You don't talk about food you give to a visitor

You do when the visitor is uninvited and stays for 12 hours through several mealtimes!!

It seems my view is a minority one but I have to say I've never thought twice about feeding people.

It is a bit much that he turns up so regularly, I get that, and that does need to be addressed. However it sounds as though this young chap is extremely fond of the op and her family and probably has no idea that he is becoming a pest. It needs careful handling and I'm pretty sure the op wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

Standrewsschool · 26/06/2021 05:47

It sounds like the nephew is lonely if he is turning up to op’s so frequently, especially if his mother has effectively evicted him by arranging a room for him to rent. My son is 21 and still enjoys spending time with us as a family (and will be coming on holiday with us etc).

However, Nephew does needs to be encouraged to get some hobbies and to develop his own circle of friends.

However, there is no obligation on op to invite him on their family meal. Seems a bit strange also that nephews mum only invited nephew to op’s meal - would have seemed less strangled if she’s asked if all the family could have joined them to make it a bigger family celebration.

Dutch1e · 26/06/2021 06:02

I'd likely reply "I'm a bit confused. I've not had an invitation from DN to whatever he's planned to celebrate his birthday, so now we have plans for our own immediate family. Will you please ask him to get in touch himself if there's a problem? The grapevine is an unreliable way to communicate."

NumberTheory · 26/06/2021 07:10

@Dutch1e

I'd likely reply "I'm a bit confused. I've not had an invitation from DN to whatever he's planned to celebrate his birthday, so now we have plans for our own immediate family. Will you please ask him to get in touch himself if there's a problem? The grapevine is an unreliable way to communicate."

^^ This.

Well, I wouldn't actually reply like this because it's obviously disengenuos and I'm a bit more up front than that. But all the people saying - "He comes roud to yours every weekend, of course he's hurt you're going out on his birthday" seem to have things absolutely the wrong way round to me. He should have been proactive about letting the people who are important to him know that he wants to celebrate with them. And it really isn't normal to be expected to arrange your nephew;s birthday celebration as a matter of course even if he does spend a lot of time with you.

Wanting to celebrate your birthday at someone else's home without even discussing it with them before hand is pretty out of order really, even for a young adult family member. Even if he comes over most weeks. If he had wanted to celebrate with the OP he should have damn well contacted her about it in advance. Moaning about her having other plans (if, in fact, he is and it isn't just his mother who now feels like she may have to step up) is very entitled when he hasn't mentioned it. OP has already said that he has come to expect this sort of thing from her and it's taken all the pleasure out of it for her. Being nice to her nephew isn't supposed to be a chore, it isn't her responsibility to sort out his birthday for him and it isn't good for him to have his entitlement pandered to.

Dutch1e · 26/06/2021 07:15

NumberTheory it's only disingenuous if it's not true. I'm genuinely confused by a person not planning their own family gathering for their 22nd birthday, assuming they feel very close to the family, as this young man seems to.

TheoMeo · 26/06/2021 07:18

In future keep your plans to yourselves.
Make this the place you start excluding him.

NumberTheory · 26/06/2021 07:20

@Dutch1e

NumberTheory it's only disingenuous if it's not true. I'm genuinely confused by a person not planning their own family gathering for their 22nd birthday, assuming they feel very close to the family, as this young man seems to.

As a stranger, who has decent relatives/friends, reading about it, sure. But the OP has said that her nephew has come to expect it of her, so it wouldn't be true for her and in her situation I think it would come across as more of a dig than a genuine enquiry.

picklemewalnuts · 26/06/2021 07:31

"No, sorry, this one's just for mum because she's having a hard time at the moment".

He needs educating in thinking about other people. You don't need to be mean, just put boundaries in place. "How lovely to see you, you can chill out with us for a while, but you need to leave before dinner as I've only catered for us. Why don't you come to dinner Wednesday, it's a better day for me."

Be specific about inviting him, he's less likely to expect it at every visit.