He got me a motor sport experience

[Berry456]

Just found out DP has booked a thrill motorsport experience for my birthday. I couldn't be more disappointed.

Not sure whether to go along with it as I feel like a big kid saying I don't want to do it. He said he'll cancel it and didn't seem upset thankfully.

I however am upset. I had a exH who was terrible at gift buying..and this one, albeit far more generous, seems to be just as bad.

It seems so pathetic for a grown woman to be upset by something like this, but honestly, my heart was on the floor with disappointment when he told me.

If it’s from Virgin you can change it for one of their other ones very easily? Seems like a classic “present for him”.

YANBU.

I don't know why you'd get someone that unless you knew for a fact that they were really into that sort of thing.

It’s not about the gift. It’s about the feeling that either he doesn’t know you well enough to get you a gift you’d like, that he bought something for himself disguised as a gift for you or that he couldn’t be bothered to put thought in.

All of these are hurtful and I completely understand how you’re feeling.

Did he genuinely think you'd like it? Or did he buy it for himself?

If he's said he'll cancel it then great and tell him what sort of experience you'd like instead.

@MacCoffee nail on the head. Irrelevant what it is. It's the thoughtlessness. "Oooh I'd like that, so will she!"

The odd thing is whilst exH was a thoughtless plank on pretty much every level, DP is rather thoughtful. Just shocking at gifts.

He'll get my favourite food in or fix something in my house even without mentioning anything.

Practical thought...Good. gifts...urgh. maybe 9ts a skill?

Was just hoping for it to be different this time around.

I would have been absolutely thrilled to get such a gift

YANBU.

However, if he is generally thoughtful, then I think this is worth a frank conversation. Tell him why this matters, and what you want (I don't mean specific presents, but the approach you need).

If it was part of a pattern of selfish behaviour, that would be different.

I think in adult relationships, it's ok to be disappointed but better to get it out in the open & not let it develop & upset you more.

My XH wasn’t good at gifts. Like yours, he would do jobs around the house, bring me a brew in bed, fix my car before I even knew it needed it. He was thoughtful in those ways. Just not good with presents.
I used to make a Christmas/birthday list, with links, and email it to him in November (both my bday and Xmas in December) to give him some pointers. Some things were specific, others might be like ‘pyjamas from FatFace, size 14’ so he had instructions and choice.

I’d have been disappointed with a driving experience too, but if he’s thoughtful in other ways and generally caring, I’d let it go, swap it, and guide him for the future.

Some people are just not good at presents. DH is the most generous person but over the (many) years I have come to the realisation that the way to get presents I love is to choose for myself. I suggest options so there is still some element of surprise. That way I get the silk shirt I would like rather than the leather trousers he thinks I want. I have weaned him off mixed bunches of flowers, as I prefer single variety, and have a running list of books I would like.

@EarringsandLipstick good point. I hadn't previously been good at that which is pointless. I think I have raised it though. Last year was a big one for me and when my friends found out noone had arranged anything, prepared a whole day of fun (within covid restrictions) and some unbelievably thoughtful things from breakfast to dusk. My house was filled with flowers like Elton John's house. I spent most of the day in happy tears as noone has ever done that for me.

@MandalaYogaTapestry ha! I'm sure some people would love it! Just not me.

I’d love that!! But I get that you don’t and are dissapointed by your DP’s understanding of you. A few years I couldn’t hide my dissapointment when DH gave me yet another cookbook. I hate cooking!! I do it, reasonably well, but resent it. The only reason why I have so many cookbooks, is because dh and his mother keep giving them to me!

OP I feel your pain. My DH Is wonderful in every other way but gift giving. It’s like something glitches in his head and he can’t think properly. I know deep down he’s tried so I can’t get too mad.
As childish as it sounds I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that I’m not going to get up one Christmas morning to find a beautiful necklace/handbag/scarf/gloves and make do with the men’s tshirt he got me because he said ‘I thought you liked that film’ 😂

@Pottedpalm @Ozberry good idea but i feel awkward for some reasons with giving lists. With ex we eventually decided not to bother with gifts at all! I feel a gift should be from the heart ( and head!) Rather than an obligatory purchase. That's what makes me feel awkward i suppose about them but certainly is a way to avoid a motor sport experience!!

@CandleWick4 I think I have had this exact experience!

@MacCoffee

It’s not about the gift. It’s about the feeling that either he doesn’t know you well enough to get you a gift you’d like, that he bought something for himself disguised as a gift for you or that he couldn’t be bothered to put thought in.

All of these are hurtful and I completely understand how you’re feeling.

This.

My dad used to do this all the time. He would buy presents which were so hilariously, obviously for him it felt like a deliberate wind-up. The worst example was one year when he asked me for a book for Christmas (with I bought) only to buy the same book (about something I had no interest in) for me. It feels like a slap in the face. After you're about 10 its no longer about the gift itself, its the fact that this person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else doesn't have the imagination even to understand that you are not the same person.

Thing is, you're stuck with your dad. You're not stuck with this guy are you?

Hopefully you can exchange it for something else and make sure you book him something like a boudoir photo shoot for his birthday

@Breakfastburrito

@thepeopleversuswork "After you're about 10 its no longer about the gift itself..." exactly. Which I'd why I can't supply a "list" yet line myself up for such disappointment.

Someone tell me of some wonderful surprises they've received from their DH DP to make feel.like these men exist!

@MandalaYogaTapestry

I would have been absolutely thrilled to get such a gift

You do know that the present isn’t for you so how you’d feel about it is irrelevant?

If motorsport isn’t your bag flower, he bought himself the experience.

An expensive equivalent of garage flowers and maltesers.

Can you not swap it for another ‘experience’ OP?

To save my dh racking his brains (and quite likely buying something I don’t really want) I have been known to print a page off the relevant website, with the item, plus size and colour if needed, circled. And leave it on his desk with a note to say, ‘To save you racking your brains….’

Did it first for lovely snuggly house boots from Celtic Sheepskin.

My ex once got me a trowel & plasterers mortar board . He was a plasterer. Also got me a £300 oil painting he loved & I hated .

I get you. My ex was crap at presents, eventually he started getting me whatever perfume he'd seen advertised the most.

My lovely husband is pretty good, he pays attention which is what makes it special, even when money is tight.