Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He got me a motor sport experience

225 replies

Berry456 · 21/06/2021 07:28

Just found out DP has booked a thrill motorsport experience for my birthday. I couldn't be more disappointed.

Not sure whether to go along with it as I feel like a big kid saying I don't want to do it. He said he'll cancel it and didn't seem upset thankfully.

I however am upset. I had a exH who was terrible at gift buying..and this one, albeit far more generous, seems to be just as bad.

It seems so pathetic for a grown woman to be upset by something like this, but honestly, my heart was on the floor with disappointment when he told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Berry456 · 21/06/2021 09:14

@Lalliebelle

Just give it a go! You might be surprised.
Part of me thinks this bc I am rather gung ho. But this is so far removed from what I like and the disappointment has given me the Hmm
OP posts:
Weirdlynormal · 21/06/2021 09:15

I find all this 'think of me' rather odd. I can't be arsed with presents, not receiving and not giving.

If my DH lectured me about his 'needs' I be frankly baffled that a grown man could be quite so needy.

HotWeather · 21/06/2021 09:15

My DH is wonderful, but crap at gifts. Over the years I have learnt to just tell him what I want. No I don't get the suprise, but am not disappointed either.

Clickbait · 21/06/2021 09:16

I'm not a present person either. I'm just not bothered by them! But if you are, you should be able to express that to him and give him some pointers for the future.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/06/2021 09:16

@notacooldad

Thing is, you're stuck with your dad. You're not stuck with this guy are you? He only got her a dodgy present!!Op says everything else is OK. Why come out with that!
It's not just a dodgy present though. It's basically saying "I either lack the empathy to be able to imagine you as a different person from me, or I can't be bothered to spend a few minutes thinking about what you might be interested in".

Both suggest someone who at best is totally lacking in imagination and at worst is so selfish he can't or doesn't want to grasp the idea that his partner is a separate person from him.

In neither scenario is there scope for this person to be a loving partner or a good dad. Trust me. Maybe it sounds harsh, but you have to consider whether this person is worth spending time re-educating. I wouldn't bother.

Original poster
Berry456 · 21/06/2021 09:16

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Dh was once given a gliding experience by dds. He thoroughly enjoyed it, but before they went up, the instructor said, ‘Do you actually want to do this, or do you just feel you have to, to avoid wasting a present?’

So it evidently happens a lot.

Haaaaaaa!! That's so funny.
OP posts:
HotWeather · 21/06/2021 09:17

@wherewildflowersgrow I got anti aging cream, a nice brand I should say, off an ex when I was early 30s.

khakiandcoral · 21/06/2021 09:18

If you haven't got a driving licence, I can see the problem!

It's such a stereotype to assume all women would love a spa day or a pandora bracelet, but hate motor sport, if you do drive I really don't see the issue.
Were you expecting something specific and that's why you are disappointed? He's not a mind reader...

JonahofArk · 21/06/2021 09:18

You should do the same for him-book a lovely couple's mani/pedi session for his next birthday and see what he says.

campion · 21/06/2021 09:19

Just give him a small, varied list to choose from, with suitable links, of what you'd actually like.
It takes the spontaneity out of it but look where that got you.

Also check he's read the list properly so that you don't almost get what you wanted which is also annoying!

Some people have no imagination about presents.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/06/2021 09:20

@khakiandcoral

If you haven't got a driving licence, I can see the problem!

It's such a stereotype to assume all women would love a spa day or a pandora bracelet, but hate motor sport, if you do drive I really don't see the issue.
Were you expecting something specific and that's why you are disappointed? He's not a mind reader...

It's nothing to do with stereotypes. The OP has said she has no interest in it. I'm sure plenty of women would love to do a motorsport experience but the OP doesn't want to. It's about lack of consideration and the inability to imagine someone else having separate ideas and needs. Essentially its a sign of emotional stupidity.
Original poster
Berry456 · 21/06/2021 09:20

@Weirdlynormal

I find all this 'think of me' rather odd. I can't be arsed with presents, not receiving and not giving.

If my DH lectured me about his 'needs' I be frankly baffled that a grown man could be quite so needy.

Part of me agrees and there are some of my friends who insist their birthday is a week long event. That makes me queasy.

I don't like a big fuss but after 20 years of unthoughtful gifts, which I totally made peace with, I thought wouldn't it be nice to have a change. And then I could relish in gift being for him too.

With exH I just gave up. He used to get fabulous gifts from me until I thought enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Berry456 · 21/06/2021 09:21

@JonahofArk

You should do the same for him-book a lovely couple's mani/pedi session for his next birthday and see what he says.
He'd probably love it. But I may do as a laugh.
OP posts:
HunkyPunk · 21/06/2021 09:22

@catsareme14

My ex once got me a trowel & plasterers mortar board . He was a plasterer. Also got me a £300 oil painting he loved & I hated .
Grin Think carefully. Had you ever at any point during your relationship said to him admiringly "Ooh, I really wish I could do that!" while watching him plaster? ^^
khakiandcoral · 21/06/2021 09:25

Essentially its a sign of emotional stupidity.
well what did she want then?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/06/2021 09:26

@Babdoc 😂 at the knitting course!

IMO there may often be an element of ‘you ought to like this or that, even if you say you don’t.’

To stop them ever even thinking of it (because I ought to enjoy it) I’ve had to tell dds very firmly that a spa day is absolutely not my idea of fun, so please don’t waste your money, because I won’t be going.

pollypersephone · 21/06/2021 09:30

@Berry456 No! He went and really enjoyed it apparently.

Vaccine001 · 21/06/2021 09:33

Is this an opinion? 🙄

Vaccine001 · 21/06/2021 09:34

Wrong thread

TakeYourFinalPosition · 21/06/2021 09:35

Last year was a big one for me and when my friends found out noone had arranged anything, prepared a whole day of fun (within covid restrictions) and some unbelievably thoughtful things from breakfast to dusk. My house was filled with flowers like Elton John's house.

Realistically, is there anything he could have done to live up to that? It sounds awesome, but it’s also totally overboard, in a lovely way. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I appreciate there’s a world of difference between something you don’t want and don’t understand how he’d have thought you’d enjoy; and a house full of flowers and a day of surprises and love, but I wonder if that’s skewing this a little.

Maybe it’s not, but maybe it’s worth considering. If he’s usually a good guy, perhaps he does have a reason that he thought you’d like this? Maybe he thought it’d be an adventure, or something fun.

Or maybe he’s great generally but shit at gifts, and you either roll with the punches and know that he shows his love in other ways, or give him strong pointers to help him succeed. If both of them make you recoil, then maybe your compromise is being with someone who is less thoughtful day to day but nails gifts, for example.

Happy birthday regardless! I hope you either end up loving the experience; or can swap it for a present that you do love Cake

bringincrazyback · 21/06/2021 09:42

@Weirdlynormal

I find all this 'think of me' rather odd. I can't be arsed with presents, not receiving and not giving.

If my DH lectured me about his 'needs' I be frankly baffled that a grown man could be quite so needy.

Just because you choose to set the bar low on this stuff doesn't mean others should too.
dottiedodah · 21/06/2021 09:42

Really I think many men are not good at present buying TBH.Often they want to be "original" and not go with perfume or flowers etc.However often miss the mark as in this case.As long as you can swap it no problem.I would go with the idea of PP and make a wish list on Amazon that can be used .My late SD was terribly relieved when on asking me for ideas on Christmas for DM ,I came up with a couple of ideas for him .Unless you are buying for children or someone who is quite poor ,most presents often turn out to be disappointing ,as many people can buy something nice for themselves anyway (within reason obv)!

mam0918 · 21/06/2021 09:43

Its a life experiance.

I dont like motor racing at all but I have done one (track racing) as has my mam (skid car) who is the least 'racing person' on earth and my DS (drifting and supercar) who did it years ago and only recently got into racing after that.

It's fun and got nothing to do with actual racing - its not like he got you tickets to the Grand Prix to sit bored in the stands and watch.

Give it a chance before getting upset.

Dogscanteatonions · 21/06/2021 09:43

@AngeloMysterioso

I had an ex who for my birthday, took me to see his favourite DJ who I’d never even heard of.

He said he thought about taking me to see The Lion King in the West End (which I still haven’t seen and have always really wanted to) but then he found out about the DJ’s show and thought it looked more fun. Yeah... for him! I was bored rigid the whole way through!

What a cock!
bigbaggyeyes · 21/06/2021 09:45

This used to really annoy me about my ex, one of many things. He'd ask me what I wanted and then promptly change it as 'he thought I'd like one better' he did it with my engagement ring (I should have realised then), he asked me what I'd like, so I told him. He then promptly presented me with something completely different (that I wasn't that keen on) because 'he liked it better' I graciously accepted it but it did used to piss me off

It's less about the gift giving, and more about the fact that he didn't take my feelings into consideration and somehow turned a selfless gift giving exercise into a selfish exercise