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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He got me a motor sport experience

225 replies

Berry456 · 21/06/2021 07:28

Just found out DP has booked a thrill motorsport experience for my birthday. I couldn't be more disappointed.

Not sure whether to go along with it as I feel like a big kid saying I don't want to do it. He said he'll cancel it and didn't seem upset thankfully.

I however am upset. I had a exH who was terrible at gift buying..and this one, albeit far more generous, seems to be just as bad.

It seems so pathetic for a grown woman to be upset by something like this, but honestly, my heart was on the floor with disappointment when he told me.

OP posts:
ememem84 · 21/06/2021 09:51

i have actually done one of the track day gifts. I didnt think i'd have a good time, but it was fun. but it wouldn't be my first choice of thing to do!

DH once bought me golf lessons with the Pro at his club. he plays. i don't. i have no interest.

I used every single one of the lessons. Just basically to spite dh. I initially wondered whether i'd be amazing at golf but just didnt know it. turns out im not, and i hate it even more than i did. dh not happy because he actually would have benefitted from the lessons and enjoyed them. . . .

thepeopleversuswork · 21/06/2021 09:54

@khakiandcoral

Essentially its a sign of emotional stupidity. well what did she want then?
I don't know but it clearly wasn't a motorsport experience. The fact that this apparently didn't cross his mind suggests he has no ability to put himself in others' shoes whatsoever.

If he'd passionately felt that motorsport was something life-enhancing which she was missing out on and wanted to share with her, he could have taken the time to speak to her about it. But he didn't, he clearly just thought "that'll do" and bought it.

Again, its not about the gift itself, its about the total lack of thought for her.

Holothane · 21/06/2021 09:57

I’d hit get it changed or refund if you can, the roof that’s like dh taking me to a gig I’m not interested in or care about, in fact he did once I told hope it was worth it. He knows better now. Also I pick my own big present now.

Brefugee · 21/06/2021 09:58

But if it's a thing that he think you might like to try - birthdays aren't the time for that, IMO.

OP-suck it up and make a list, tell him that you don't want him to waste money on something you don't love

KarmaStar · 21/06/2021 10:00

Count your blessings,your dh has these good points which you (hopefully)appreciate.
He bought you a gift,which many partners don't bother to.You told him you didn't like it and he accepted it calmly.
Then you moan on mn !
Time you really took a look at yourself and all you are blessed with before it's too late.

forinborin · 21/06/2021 10:01

I got once very expensive tickets to a rugby match from my ex - I understand it was a big event, a final match for a world cup or something, but I have never watched a single rugby game in my life before and would not even understand what is happening. And it was on a day before my final professional exam. He went with a friend, obviously, I could not make it.

newnortherner111 · 21/06/2021 10:01

Why did he not ask you what you would like? Or is this just something my family do?

Diamondnights · 21/06/2021 10:02

[quote Berry456]**@Pottedpalm* @Ozberry* good idea but i feel awkward for some reasons with giving lists. With ex we eventually decided not to bother with gifts at all! I feel a gift should be from the heart ( and head!) Rather than an obligatory purchase. That's what makes me feel awkward i suppose about them but certainly is a way to avoid a motor sport experience!![/quote]
I absolutely understand this but some people (lovely ones) just find it really hard to select something. The 'from the heart' impulse is there but that has to translate to something in a shopping cart. My DH is wonderful and does buy lovely things but I hate the angst and worry that he goes through in the process.

If he is lovely in other ways, it might be a kindness to try a list or similar, even though it's not your preferred way of doing things. If he's just a git, that's different of course!

Crowsaregreat · 21/06/2021 10:03

You need to give specific instructions about what you want, far enough in advance that he won't have got you anything else yet. Your DH will never be your dream gift giver, if he's good otherwise then just accept that it's not his strong point.

I just order my own presents and mother's day stuff now, tbh. DH is wonderful and loving but he's shit at presents.

cstaff · 21/06/2021 10:08

I remember years ago when I was a kid, my dad got my mam a hoover for her birthday. She never expected much just a bit of thought. She looked at him and said "so for my birthday you got me a utensil for our house". He improved immensely after that.

ScottishNewbie · 21/06/2021 10:10

My Fiance is terrible at presents so he gives me a budget and I buy my own.
It was weird at first then I realised that he is so amazing in a million other ways, and this way I will never have the disappointment If receiving a bad gift and he doesn't feel that awful feeling of giving a bad gift.

godmum56 · 21/06/2021 10:12

Ok I an cis female and old and I think women can invest too much emotion in the meaning of gifts as in "if you are good at giving me gifts it means you know and love me". I wanna tell you a story......It was coming up to my 18th birthday. My family had been dropping excited hints about something that a family member had got for my birthday...about how wonderful and special it was. At 18 I was still learning to be a grown up, still learning what myself was and I invested in this wonderful gift...that it would somehow tell me important stuff about me and being adult.
Fortunately someone crept in when i was asleep and left my gifts and cards in my bedroom so I opened the magic parcel alone. It was jewellery, a very beautiful and expensive piece but not the gift I was expecting and i cried. How could this person who knew me and loved me get it so wrong? How could my parents who knew what the gift was get it so wrong? At that point I had my first properly adult realisation. gifts can come with a piece of the person who gives it and this person was giving me a piece of themselves. There are genuinely occasions where it is the thought that counts.

edit: excdpt when the gift is tools for doing housework...then all bets are off :)

looptheloopinahulahoop · 21/06/2021 10:12

I think it's a bit unfair to say "I want a surprise" and expect your DP to know what you want telepathically. I don't like getting things I don't want, it's a waste of money and resources. So I do give DH a list. OK so I don't get a surprise, but I don't get things I don't want. He might actually buy me a very nice necklace, but I have lots of nice necklaces and little opportunity to wear them, so I need another one like the proverbial hole in the head.

I wouldn't have liked a motor sport experience though I suppose a skid pad type thing might be very useful. Not a F1 type thing though.

But I don't think you can have it both ways - either tell them what you want, or suck up presents you don't want.

Blossomtoes · 21/06/2021 10:13

@MandalaYogaTapestry

I would have been absolutely thrilled to get such a gift
Me too. I’m kind of gutted mine would never think of it.
ChickenNugget11 · 21/06/2021 10:20

I'd love a Motorsport day, though not your point

Doesn't sound intentional though, not like my not so 'D'F.

Got my mum an extension lead for Xmas one year. And once got me a vegetarian cookbook, a week after he watched me eating a bacon sandwich. No thought, often callous. His gifts were often intentionally cruel, to show you your worth. I remember as a preteen being gifted a gardening set for my birthday (fork, spade etc), still with the knock down sale sticker on. I was swiftly told to get outside and start on the garden. Others only existed for his benefit.

ClawedButler · 21/06/2021 10:22

For Christmas one year my main present from DH was a "sexy" fancy dress outfit in a size too small. I put it on after a few drinks and regarded myself in the mirror - I looked like someone had tried to stuff a cow down a drainpipe.

It went in the charity bag next day - he thinks I still have it somewhere!

entropynow · 21/06/2021 10:24

@2021Vision

Its just selfish, absolutely no thought for you. I would be open and ask him why he thought you would like it.

I dont buy into 'men are useless at buying presents'. Its actually tbat they are selfish and cant be bothered. Female brains are not predisposed to good present buying, its more that they actually care. Lets face it, if youre nit sure ypu just ask someone what they would like but for many men that requires them having to think and they cant be arsed.

Well I care a lot but I'm still useless at buying presents. Give me a list any day.
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 21/06/2021 10:24

@MandalaYogaTapestry

I would have been absolutely thrilled to get such a gift
Fine. I assume your nearest and dearest know you're interested in motor sports and would therefore consider this a good gift for you. What if instead they bought you a gift that required you to spend hours and hours on an activity you'd never expressed any interest in, with no possible reason for them to think you ever would be interested in it? That's what's happened to the OP.

Gift-giving is a talent, but frankly it's not rocket science. You think about what you know about the recipient, and look for something they'd like, or need but can't afford, or if you genuinely can't think of anything else that fits the bill, you either buy a generic gift (e.g. flowers/wine/chocolates, as long as you think about relevant health and lifestyle issues) and hope for the best, or you give money/a voucher that could be used for a wide range of purchases. Or ask them what they want, and get that. (Tricky when you have someone difficult to buy for who insists on surprises, admittedly.)

Buying something that you would like instead, with no consideration for whether they will like it too, is shitty behaviour. Buying the first thing that comes to hand because you've left it to the last minute, ditto. Buying something you think they ought to like, or something you think they need, even though you know they disagree, is off the scale selfish and high-handed.

ClawedButler · 21/06/2021 10:24

Another year, he got me "sexy" underwear - think lots of straps and wraps.

I am a well upholstered lady of advancing years, and the effect was similar to those joints you see in the butcher's with all string round and the fatty flesh bulging out in the gaps.

BertramLacey · 21/06/2021 10:25

It’s not about the gift. It’s about the feeling that either he doesn’t know you well enough to get you a gift you’d like, that he bought something for himself disguised as a gift for you or that he couldn’t be bothered to put thought in.

I think this is the problem. I've just most of the weekend making my OH something that I'm almost certain he'll like and if he doesn't, he will know I put a lot of thought into it and spent a lot of time making it. (And I'm good at making stuff, before anyone gets shitty about homemade gifts). He's less good at working out what I might want but key to this is he knows and just asks me. The result of this is that one year he got me a wheelbarrow. I love the wheelbarrow and use it every day. I needed it and couldn't afford to buy it. So it reminds me that my OH is lovely, kind and practical. His way of being thoughtful is to ask me what I want and to get it. He's just not good at guessing what I might want.

Oddly my brother is very good at guessing what I might want for my birthday but then he has known me my whole life. I have a landmark birthday coming up next year and my family and OH have just been told what I want and I've asked them to club together and get it. OK I won't have a surprise, but I will have a gift that I want.

khakiandcoral · 21/06/2021 10:26

I dont buy into 'men are useless at buying presents'.

Me neither. It has nothing to do with gender, some women completely miss the mark too.

pepsicolagirl · 21/06/2021 10:27

To be fair, you might love it if you just did it?

Blossomtoes · 21/06/2021 10:27

@khakiandcoral

I dont buy into 'men are useless at buying presents'.

Me neither. It has nothing to do with gender, some women completely miss the mark too.

Some are, some aren’t. Mine veers between getting it spectacularly right and wtaf? I defy anyone to get it right all the time.
Mymapuddlington · 21/06/2021 10:28

My partner is pants at gifts. Last birthday I pointed him to my Amazon wish list. He got me the most boring cheapest thing I had on there and then a lot of things that he liked so I’d be surprised.

entropynow · 21/06/2021 10:29

@khakiandcoral

If you haven't got a driving licence, I can see the problem!

It's such a stereotype to assume all women would love a spa day or a pandora bracelet, but hate motor sport, if you do drive I really don't see the issue.
Were you expecting something specific and that's why you are disappointed? He's not a mind reader...

And some women (me) would heartily hate all of those equally. DH knows better, thank f.

New garden bench for me!