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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He got me a motor sport experience

225 replies

Berry456 · 21/06/2021 07:28

Just found out DP has booked a thrill motorsport experience for my birthday. I couldn't be more disappointed.

Not sure whether to go along with it as I feel like a big kid saying I don't want to do it. He said he'll cancel it and didn't seem upset thankfully.

I however am upset. I had a exH who was terrible at gift buying..and this one, albeit far more generous, seems to be just as bad.

It seems so pathetic for a grown woman to be upset by something like this, but honestly, my heart was on the floor with disappointment when he told me.

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 21/06/2021 08:18

I would feel hurt at the Lack of thought as well, not like he can say he sat there for hours wondering what to get you that you would love and if he did then he needs to seriously get to know you better 😂

I don't know many woman who thinks oh yeah I would prefer a motor sport experience rather than chocolate, wine and Bath hamper or a new outfit.....or literally anything else. I would be hurt.

It's not exactly hard, there are plenty of ideas out there....

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2021 08:21

Is it one you need to go on your own for, or one he does it too? Because if it’s the latter he’s bought it for himself.

frazzledasarock · 21/06/2021 08:24

When I was pregnant with youngest dc a few years ago and we’d recently moved house so very limited ‘fun money’, it was my birthday I had just started nat leave also.

Everyone was at work and I got up late and went to make a cup of tea and there was a pink rose next to the kettle. Then one next to the sink etc DH had bought me a dozen pink roses and hidden them all over the house following my morning routine. It was the sweetest birthday gift ever. I was smiling like a crazy person all day long.

OP just tell your DH a driving experience is not for you and change it to something you’d prefer. He’s your husband. Tell him.

Sally872 · 21/06/2021 08:24

What was his intention?
a) I love this so much I think/hope Berry will love it too.
Or b) I need a gift, I would like to do motor sport so that will do.

mumto2teenagers · 21/06/2021 08:25

My DH is unpredictable when it comes to gifts. He is great and very thoughtful in other ways though which I think is far more important.

DH either does really well with gifts or really bad. He once went into Superdrug the day before my birthday and grabbed what he though was a purfume gift set.....it was aftershave!!!!
For my 30th he booked a trip to New York and he spoke to my parents to arrange for them to look after DD's.

soooooooG · 21/06/2021 08:25

What kind of cars? That's the important question. I'd love it!

VienneseWhirligig · 21/06/2021 08:27

My late DH was ace with presents and helped everyone in my family with ideas for birthday and Christmas gifts for me so I always had lovely surprises.

After a year of crap gifts after he died (I was grateful and touched, my family hated not knowing what I wanted though), i was asked to create an online wish list and add to it throughout the year so they would always have ideas of what to get. It has caught on and now most of my family do similar for themselves.

It allows for the surprise of not knowing what you will get, but from a long list of things you actually want. Would something like this work for you?

2021Vision · 21/06/2021 08:29

Its just selfish, absolutely no thought for you. I would be open and ask him why he thought you would like it.

I dont buy into 'men are useless at buying presents'. Its actually tbat they are selfish and cant be bothered. Female brains are not predisposed to good present buying, its more that they actually care. Lets face it, if youre nit sure ypu just ask someone what they would like but for many men that requires them having to think and they cant be arsed.

ErrolTheDragon · 21/06/2021 08:31

We're at a stage where we can buy what we want when we want it, so it's quite hard to think of presents for each other. So DH asks me - but then he'll put the effort into reading the reviews. So there is a good amount of thought involved, it's just that it's directed.

singsingbluesilver · 21/06/2021 08:33

For his birthday buy him an experience that you would like to do. Maybe then the penny will drop.

FuckyouCovid21 · 21/06/2021 08:37

@soooooooG

What kind of cars? That's the important question. I'd love it!
Again, irrelevant - you're not the OP
Roselilly36 · 21/06/2021 08:38

Strange gift choice, unless you are interested in Motorsport OP. I wonder what gave him the idea. But great that you can swap it.

To prevent gift disappointment, you could help him by dropping hints before Xmas or birthdays and make sure you let him know you wouldn’t appreciate an iron or hoover for future birthday gifts either!

Roselilly36 · 21/06/2021 08:39

@Bluntness100 Yes, I think you might be on the money there!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 21/06/2021 08:40

I think you're shooting yourself in the foot not doing lists, tbh. We do lists mostly because DH has very, very specific wants to do with technology and other nerdery and also has a want-to-buy gap of about thirty seconds, so it is literally impossible to buy him something he'd really like. So we both started making lists for each other and it works really well. I don't know what I'll get from my list, so it's still a surprise, and we often buy each other off-list supplements secure in the knowledge that we already have something the other would like. Plus the lists are, in themselves, a learning opportunity about the other person's preferences.

Some people are just never going to have highly developed gift-buying skills. Some people are very difficult to buy for. If someone genuinely does want to please you, I think it's a mistake to attribute too much to this one area.

EstuaryBird · 21/06/2021 08:40

I got one of these for my 60th. One of the best days ever, absolutely loved it.
But I do understand how you feel, if mine had been a Spa Day or Posh Meal or something I would have been deeply disappointed.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 21/06/2021 08:41

DH and I tell each other what we want; sometimes I’ll tell him a purse snd he’ll choose one or other times I’ve sent him a link; in my experience the men I’ve been in relationships with are not good at gifts

Saker · 21/06/2021 08:41

This is an interesting article about different ways in which people express their love (love language) and suggesting that some ways come more naturally to some people than others. Conflict may arise if two partners speak different love languages. If your DH is doing spontaneously nice things for you, he clearly is thinking about you and showing how he feels, but maybe he's just not so good at gifts. You may have to adjust your expectations and accept that he expresses his feelings in a different way. Equally in some cases a partner might feel that they would rather have the spontaneous day to day thoughtfulness when all their partner does is get them huge gifts and surprise parties.

Notaroadrunner · 21/06/2021 08:44

[quote Berry456]@MacCoffee nail on the head. Irrelevant what it is. It's the thoughtlessness. "Oooh I'd like that, so will she!"[/quote]
Go and invite a friend. That will teach him not to buy something he wants to do in future.

MondeoFan · 21/06/2021 08:46

I'd love that present. But that's me and I'd never get given it as people don't know what I like. This is the problem, not much thought gone into it. I'd tell him to change it and stick with the generic presents instead.

Dacquoise · 21/06/2021 08:46

To avoid this sort of thing, my DD and I prepare a list of potential gifts that we'd like for Christmas and birthdays. We send it to the other and share with DP who, although he is the most generous man ever, gets the wobbles about gift giving. Saves everyone the angst although as I have got older I don't really need or want much. Days out more important now.

pollypersephone · 21/06/2021 08:46

I got a gliding experience. I was 7 months pregnant and afraid of heights.

diddl · 21/06/2021 08:48

Neither of us has ever really known what to buy each other & we've never really known what we want ourselves either!

So it often is just token presents & a card & a meal out, day out or activity that we both want to do.

So not really any surprises, but the day is marked.

It wouldn't suit everyone I'm sure, but it works for both of us & that's the point isn't it?

That it works for the person it is about.

AngeloMysterioso · 21/06/2021 08:48

I had an ex who for my birthday, took me to see his favourite DJ who I’d never even heard of.

He said he thought about taking me to see The Lion King in the West End (which I still haven’t seen and have always really wanted to) but then he found out about the DJ’s show and thought it looked more fun. Yeah... for him! I was bored rigid the whole way through!

NotMaryWhitehouse · 21/06/2021 08:49

@catsareme14

My ex once got me a trowel & plasterers mortar board . He was a plasterer. Also got me a £300 oil painting he loved & I hated .
😳 oh my good god 🤣🤣
UserAtRandom · 21/06/2021 08:50

What was his rationale for it? I'm not personally into motorsports but if anyone bought me an experience I might well give it a go - think there is something to be said for getting presents that are things you wouldn't normally get yourself!
I find as an adult that surprise presents are disappointing 90% of the time. Most people are not good at gift buying (and that includes the ones who spend hours choosing something specifically tailored to the recipient that they "know" the recipient will love). These days I find it's best to have a list or just ask for no presents. Saves much disappointment.