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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to call this out?

440 replies

harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:39

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 12/08/2019 07:41

No, you are right. Call it out. Every. Fucking. Time. So our daughters don’t have to put up with this shite. Good on you.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 07:44

YWNBU at all. He probably had no idea he was doing it, but that's no excuse.

This low level bullshit is exhausting, and really bloody archaic. As pp said, call it out every time (I do it too) for our DDs generation and beyond. Hopefully they won't grow up with the same shite we did.

Whitegrenache · 12/08/2019 07:47

What do you want to be called? Madam? As this is the female equivalent of Sir?

I'm form the north east and it's common to call someone "love" or "pet" and the male equivalent would probably be "mate"

I have never ever been offended by it but I'm interested in hearing other people's opinions.

I actually call people love and darling to irrespective of their gender. Never thought it may be perceived as sexist. To me it's a term of endearment and warmth.

cookiechomper · 12/08/2019 07:48

He didn't mean to be offensive and you made yourself look a bit of an idiot. Get over yourself.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/08/2019 07:49

Love/darling And mate would probably be ok even though it's not great.

But why are all the men getting a professional greeting like sir and op is getting love/darling? That's not on.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 07:52

I'm form the north east and it's common to call someone "love" or "pet" and the male equivalent would probably be "mate"

I'm Scottish and "hen" or "doll" would be quite normal, which I wouldn't generally be offended by if males nearby were getting "pal" or "mate".

It's the change in formality, as if men command respect and women don't that offends me.

If the tone for the men was formal I don't see why it shouldn't have been for the woman.

Courtney555 · 12/08/2019 07:52

Yeah, there was no need for you to say anything. Held the door open in subway yesterday and an elderly gentlemen said "thank you love". He's being friendly, it's not offensive.

Like you said, you were tired and grumpy, don't give it too much thought.

Original poster
harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:52

That's exactly it @Bernadette. If he had been calling the men mate I wouldn't have thought anything of it. It was the incongruence between men being treated formally and me being given a pet name!

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 07:53

He didn't mean to be offensive and you made yourself look a bit of an idiot. Get over yourself

He didn't mean to be. You did though.

Also, of the two of you it's not OP who made herself look like an idiot.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 07:53

Yeah, it's the change in formality that is the kicker. Yanbu.

JollyAndBright · 12/08/2019 07:54

Well done for calling it out.

The fact that you are even questioning it (and others are) just shows how disgustingly ingrained the patriarchy is in our society.

We should all call it out. every. single. time.
It’s the only way to change things for the next generation.

Alcoholtolerancegonetopot · 12/08/2019 07:54

"But why are all the men getting a professional greeting like sir and op is getting love/darling? That's not on."

Exactly. If it were just about him being a lovely, warm, informal person, he'd have been using an informal form of greeting with the men too. He might not have meant to be patronising but he certainly was being.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 07:56

If he had been calling them all mate for example, then ok. But he was treating them with deference.

BringOnTheScience · 12/08/2019 07:57

You were right. It's the difference in the level of respect shown.

Original poster
harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:58

Lololol @InTheHeatofLisbon Flowers

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 07:59

harriethoyle Smile

JollyAndBright · 12/08/2019 08:00

He didn’t mean to be offensive ....
no of course he didn’t, he was just being friendly, but the fact that he was calling the OP affectionate ‘pally’ terms and all of the men around a formal polite ‘sir’ is sexist and patriarchal and needs to be pointed out.

yesthatstheone · 12/08/2019 08:01

Lol grow up, seriously.

heartshapedknob · 12/08/2019 08:01

YANBU. Not in the slightest - and good on you for politely pointing it out, maybe he’ll learn from it.
If he’d addressed all the men as “love” as well then I’d maybe believe he didn’t know he was doing it but let’s face it, he only addressed you in a patronising way and that’s ingrained sexism.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 08:01

That's one thing I like about the USA. They are equally happy using Ma'am and Sir, whereas in the UK I think many people find Madam to sound slightly comical. Then again that might be due to internalised misogyny.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 08:03

Isn't it funny that the people disagreeing with OP don't have a reason, they just throw insults?

How unusual! Woman speaks up against low level bullshit, woman is shouted down and insulted.

How predictable.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 08:04

Having thought about this now I reckon if this happens to me then I will say "I'd prefer Madam instead of Darling seeing as they are all Sir."

Or my usual tactic of calling them Honeybun in response.

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 08:07

Massive chip on your shoulder. I go more by tone and body language than the words said myself,
Honestly, I don’t care about darling or love in this sort of situation so long as person is friendly & means well.
Wouldn’t matter that he was formal with the men and informal with me.
Id rather hear a friendly “love” than an icy contemptuous “ma’am/madam”.

I think you should not have called it out. We should only call out actual sexism (words and actions that have contempt behind them).

cushioncovers · 12/08/2019 08:08

Yeah, it's the change in formality that is the kicker. Yanbu.

This

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 12/08/2019 08:09

FFS I'd say get over yourself! It's really NOT that important and yes in a lot of areas those are "normal" ways to address people