WIBU to call this out?

[harriethoyle]

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

[DameFanny]

From the voting on this thread the response is either 43% handmaiden or there's a massive problem with reading comprehension right now.

Could go either way ¯<span class="underline">(ツ)/¯

[Devora13]

M3lon congratulations on writing 'Would have' rather than 'Would of' :)

[Devora13]

It does amaze me how so many people personally know this hard working man who meant no offence too. Obviously this must be the case since it is totally impossible to glean this information from the OP. There are so many psychics here, who knew? (well they did I guess). 😄

[Nettie1964]

Probably didn't even realise he did it. I think you where right. I call everyone darling or angel but mainly cos I can't remember their names😀

[FeeLock28]

I think you're right.

You're a customer and can expect some courtesy; you're an equal customer and can expect some formality; you're fully entitled to call someone out for something you consider unreasonable, and it sounds as though you were fair in your observation. I've called people out for similar or unwarranted familiarity.

[browzingss]

I don’t think that being called ‘love’ (etc) is the issue, it’s that the men were called ‘sir’ in the same circumstances.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t personally notice nor care but I can see why others wouldn’t be impressed.

Eg at my M&S, the staff at the self checkout greet every customer as they leave. If they said ‘thank you sir’ to all the men then ‘thank you love’ to me, I’d find that a bit off.

[Elsie1966]

Perhaps miss or ms would of been more appropriate
I would of found the "love & " darling a little too demeaning but would of just asked him to address me by ms or miss and not been so uppity about it

[Teaandcake1000]

All you’ve done is upset a perfectly decent fellow who was trying to be polite. He just wanted to do his job.

It’s a shame this has been turned around to become something OP has done to a man.

OP, you sound like you handled it In a friendly enough manner. This is sexism, unconscious maybe but sexism all the same.

He probably has no idea why it’s wrong and that I’m itself is a problem.

Yes to calling everyone love, duck or whatever, but men don’t warrant a Sir if a woman only gets a love.

[MsTSwift]

God op you deserve some wine.

Thank you for saying something never the easy option

Graphista loved your posts and m3lon,

Shame the hard of thinking struggled with the complex concept that it’s not the term of endearment that’s the issue but the fact the men get the deferential “sir” and women a little pet name. Wtaf. My 10 year old would have identified that as utterly shit sexism. Cannot stand handmaidens.

[NobleRot]

Agree with all that @MsTSwift.

[Kingk1]

You were right to pull him up, it was unprofessional of him and sexist. Well done u!!!

[harriethoyle]

@MsTSwift

[Catsinthecupboard]

Why not say politely. "Please call me ma'am. I feel uncomfortable when you call me a term of endearment."

If he's your age and was definitely insulting you and treating you diminutively good for you.
Otherwise; You don't have to chastise him.

It seems you wanted to embarrass him. Did you? If so, did it make you better than him?

He's a man serving you. You'll never see him again. A person's kindness is often shown by how we treat those in positions of service to us.

In this case, you weren't kind. Did you really need respect from him?

If he was a coworker who belittled you. Or embarrassed you by calling you an endearment, fine. But a random server?
Why?

[MsTSwift]

It’s irrelevant what he was doing and why. Your post makes no sense. It’s very simple. The men were addressed as sir. The women as love. Makes no difference if it’s a waiter or Prince Harry saying it. So so weird woman after woman coming up with these defences. Why?

[LiveInAHidingPlace]

YANBU

I hate people using terms of endearment in general but if men are getting respect then I need it too.

The biggest one for me is "darling": from older women it's bad enough, from men it makes my skin crawl.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

Why not say politely. "Please call me ma'am. I feel uncomfortable when you call me a term of endearment."

What she said was perfectly polite. Why is your version any better?
In fact I'd say that pointing out he made you uncomfortable is far more embarrassing for the man than just blandly noting he used different terms.

He's a man serving you. You'll never see him again. A person's kindness is often shown by how we treat those in positions of service to us.

That works both ways. So now maybe he will stop and think before using it on every other woman he sees just the once. As well as those he sees every day (as if that is somehow an important distinction). OP was kind in pointing it out.

[hiddeneverythin]

You were quite right. I hate it.

[bumblingbovine49]

I don't think you are wrong op, the difference in tone would have annoyed me too.. I think you pointed it out very politely without accusing him of anything intentional. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

To be fair to the guard though it is a difficult one. Does he call you miss.or.madam?. some women on here have made it clear they wouldn't like that either. This is because of all the sexist connotations associated with the way we address women. No man that I can think of would object to being addressed as sir.in that situation.

It is a bit like the Mrs/Ms/Miss for married women question. Everyone has their opinion and there is no way.to avoid offending somebody some how without meaning to or even when trying really hard not to ( which I am not saying the guard was btw)

I am.not sure of the answer but making people think about their internalised sexism is not a bad thing( and sexism is what this was, albeit possibly of a relatively benign kind)

[bumblingbovine49]

Why not say politely. "Please call me ma'am. I feel uncomfortable when you call me a term of endearment."

My understanding is that is not what the op was objecting to, it was the difference in they way she was being treated compared to them men, not the term itself that made her uncomfortable. Her comment explained it perfectly and in a non aggressive way.

I don't mind terms of endearment AT ALL. I
I don't mind being called ' pet, love, darling whatever. I do mind if I am.called that and the man with.me is addressed as sir.. I see that as disrespectful.

[Cassilis]

In France it’s Monsieur/Madame, and no one would dare call a man Monsieur and yet a woman ‘cherie’.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

To be fair to the guard though it is a difficult one. Does he call you miss.or.madam?. some women on here have made it clear they wouldn't like that either

But the point is, "Madam" goes with "Sir"! It's equal in terms of respectfulness and formality. It doesn't single either sex out.

I mean, if he said "morning Sir" then "wit-woo he-ll-o Madam sexy chops grrr!" then you can have an issue. But in the context, using Madam and Sir is a neutral greeting.

[MsTSwift]

Well exactly. Mate or bro the male equivalent of love. Madam the female equivalent of sir. Twist it round - women called madam with deference and men called matey. Wouldn’t happen.

[Skittlesandbeer]

You know what I’m looking forward to? A time when this casual ‘micro-sexism’ is called out by one of the Sirs in the carriage first. I suspect we’re currently at the point where they notice it, but kindof like the inequity. Sad.

And I wish for a time when more than 57% of respondents to this kind of poll recognise Trolley guy’s decisions for the outdated nonsense that it is. I’m even more sad about that. And quite shocked!

[harriethoyle]

Exactly @bumblingbovine49 - I'm befuddled by the number of posters who don't seem to grasp that it's not the fact of the term of endearment, it's the disparity in treatment. If he'd been calling the men mate and me love, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

[MsTSwift]

Skittles - Andy Murray. The interview when he took down the reporter made me want to cry. “Male tennis player” and the fact he was visibly pissed off. But yes that aside I agree.

The vigorous defence of the man and “it doesn’t bother me” brigade. Just...no words.