WIBU to call this out?

[harriethoyle]

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

[HennyPennyHorror]

Felicis "thrilled"? Really?

[FelicisNox]

I would be thrilled if anyone referred to me as love or darling but our boundaries are different.

Meh.

[NobleRot]

Save your crocodile tears, @SaraNade. There was absolutely no need for the man operating the trolley service to call the OP (or indeed anyone on the train) anything, if he struggles with how to address women. ‘’Would you like anything from the trolley?’ ‘There you go,’ and ‘Thank you’, are perfectly adequate, and polite.

[RiftGibbon]

Sara, the problem is because we as a society insist (or seem to) on identifying a woman by her marital status; Miss, Mrs, Ms... All with different interpretations as to what that small collection of letters represent.
Conversely, all men are simply, Mr

I can't understand how so many people are missing the point. It's not about being called 'love', or 'dear', or 'sweet'. It's about being addressed in an unequal manner.
You either go with 'mate'/'love' or you go with 'Sir/Madam', or you just say to people, regardless of which reproductive organs, 'Hello, would you like anything from the trolley'

Why are we constantly being told not to rock the boat, not to make a fuss. These small things are what lead to not dealing with big things.

[SaraNade]

Meh. The problem is it is easy to know what to call a man - Sir. Or Mister. But, what do you call a woman, and how is a stranger supposed to know your preferred address? Mam? Madam? Ms, Miss, hey lady?

I feel for men (and women because we also have to stop and struggle with knowing how to address a woman stranger) these days. Someone will always take offence no matter how you address someone, they just can't win. Being called love doesn't offend me, nor darling. I don't give a shit. Because, I know it is a mere casual form of address because they don't know my name or my preferred pronoun/name. etc. I would rather love or darling than a 'hey you!' I think you should get over yourself and stop being so precious, PC and uptight.

[areukiddingme]

No, you are not been unreasonable, it’s the 90’s for god sake I am not a love, I am none identifiable, non sexual, A sexual, not defined by my penis, not defined by my clitoris, I am a Jedi,

[howwudufeel]

I’m as Northern as they come and this would have infuriated me. Well done on speaking out.

[WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug]

YANBU

and this: "Can everyone stop using the North as justification?"

My DP is northern. There is NO WAY he would do the whole sir/love thing!

[Angrywife]

Apart from the fact I hate the term "love" and think it should stay on a market stall preceeded by "pound of spuds. . . ?"

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
I'm getting a little fed up of society waking up offended and looking for someone to blame.
I'd be pleased he felt he could relax and be friendlier around me.
Not everything in life is a battle sent to offend us.

[BoomyBooms]

If we're going to succeed in nudging our society along its way to becoming a place of actual gender equality, we need to challenge all these little instances and behaviours that undermine that equality. I think OP did the right thing in pointing it out nicely, and hopefully next time he will speak to everyone the same way.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

Get a grip - he was just being friendly

...by which token he was being rude to the men then?

[Tammyxxx]

Get a grip - he was just being friendly

[HawaiianLion]

If he wasnt calling the men sir, I wouldn't have a problem but he is so he should address the women as Madam or Ma'am.
Personally, I call everyone Sweet although i dont always realise it.

[Everlandia]

Normally I might say you were overreacting out of tiredness but if he can be formal, professional and respectful to the men, you are entirely entitled to expect the same as a woman. Had he referred to both men and women in a light-hearted jovial way with a mate/pal etc. I’d say YABU but given he seems to draw a clear distinction between the way he addresses women and men, I think you were entitled to point it out...

[LiveInAHidingPlace]

Yes Andy Murray, my one hope for the male sex.

[MsTSwift]

Skittles - Andy Murray. The interview when he took down the reporter made me want to cry. “Male tennis player” and the fact he was visibly pissed off. But yes that aside I agree.

The vigorous defence of the man and “it doesn’t bother me” brigade. Just...no words.

[harriethoyle]

Exactly @bumblingbovine49 - I'm befuddled by the number of posters who don't seem to grasp that it's not the fact of the term of endearment, it's the disparity in treatment. If he'd been calling the men mate and me love, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

[Skittlesandbeer]

You know what I’m looking forward to? A time when this casual ‘micro-sexism’ is called out by one of the Sirs in the carriage first. I suspect we’re currently at the point where they notice it, but kindof like the inequity. Sad.

And I wish for a time when more than 57% of respondents to this kind of poll recognise Trolley guy’s decisions for the outdated nonsense that it is. I’m even more sad about that. And quite shocked!

[MsTSwift]

Well exactly. Mate or bro the male equivalent of love. Madam the female equivalent of sir. Twist it round - women called madam with deference and men called matey. Wouldn’t happen.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

To be fair to the guard though it is a difficult one. Does he call you miss.or.madam?. some women on here have made it clear they wouldn't like that either

But the point is, "Madam" goes with "Sir"! It's equal in terms of respectfulness and formality. It doesn't single either sex out.

I mean, if he said "morning Sir" then "wit-woo he-ll-o Madam sexy chops grrr!" then you can have an issue. But in the context, using Madam and Sir is a neutral greeting.

[Cassilis]

In France it’s Monsieur/Madame, and no one would dare call a man Monsieur and yet a woman ‘cherie’.

[bumblingbovine49]

Why not say politely. "Please call me ma'am. I feel uncomfortable when you call me a term of endearment."

My understanding is that is not what the op was objecting to, it was the difference in they way she was being treated compared to them men, not the term itself that made her uncomfortable. Her comment explained it perfectly and in a non aggressive way.

I don't mind terms of endearment AT ALL. I
I don't mind being called ' pet, love, darling whatever. I do mind if I am.called that and the man with.me is addressed as sir.. I see that as disrespectful.

[bumblingbovine49]

I don't think you are wrong op, the difference in tone would have annoyed me too.. I think you pointed it out very politely without accusing him of anything intentional. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

To be fair to the guard though it is a difficult one. Does he call you miss.or.madam?. some women on here have made it clear they wouldn't like that either. This is because of all the sexist connotations associated with the way we address women. No man that I can think of would object to being addressed as sir.in that situation.

It is a bit like the Mrs/Ms/Miss for married women question. Everyone has their opinion and there is no way.to avoid offending somebody some how without meaning to or even when trying really hard not to ( which I am not saying the guard was btw)

I am.not sure of the answer but making people think about their internalised sexism is not a bad thing( and sexism is what this was, albeit possibly of a relatively benign kind)

[hiddeneverythin]

You were quite right. I hate it.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

Why not say politely. "Please call me ma'am. I feel uncomfortable when you call me a term of endearment."

What she said was perfectly polite. Why is your version any better?
In fact I'd say that pointing out he made you uncomfortable is far more embarrassing for the man than just blandly noting he used different terms.

He's a man serving you. You'll never see him again. A person's kindness is often shown by how we treat those in positions of service to us.

That works both ways. So now maybe he will stop and think before using it on every other woman he sees just the once. As well as those he sees every day (as if that is somehow an important distinction). OP was kind in pointing it out.