Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to call this out?

440 replies

harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:39

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 12/08/2019 08:35

@jesuschristwtf was any of what you said really necessary? Are you too having a bad day and just wanted to take a pop at someone?

Op as many others have said it isn't the being called love its the disparity between addressing men formally and women informally. So ofc YWNBU to call it out.

parkrunhun · 12/08/2019 08:36

YANBU and I hope the other men also heard ! Small drip drip of women making these points will be what leads to overall mind change!

Coffeeandcherrypie · 12/08/2019 08:37

There’s a male barista at work for says to the men ‘hi, how are you sir’ and the women just get stoney looks.

This thread has inspired me to ask him why he does this next time, OP, thank you Smile

Coffeeandcherrypie · 12/08/2019 08:39

@Jesuschristwtf

Your username is offensive. I’m not Christian but so I can’t be doing with all the OMFG stuff. Rude and offensive.

TSSDNCOP · 12/08/2019 08:40

Well now the chap feels as grumpy and Monday as you. You aren’t wrong, but there just wasn’t any need to “call it out” so everyone heard you reprimand him.

diddl · 12/08/2019 08:40

"The man was clearly just being friendly."

But only with Op & not with any of the men?

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 12/08/2019 08:40

OP you are right - this is unacceptable.

In a previous work situation I had to regularly ask men to address all our customers equally - if men are ‘sir’ women shouldn’t be ‘my love’, or ‘darling’, or ‘babe’. In a queue of customers it is audible and noticeable. It’s not about warmth or friendliness, it’s about being deferential and respectful to men but not women, and very noticeable treating the two unequally (as said by pp above).

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 12/08/2019 08:42

WOMAN GET BACK IN YOUR PLACE.

So predictable.

WIBU to call this out?
amusedbush · 12/08/2019 08:43

YADNBU. This low level sexism is bullshit and it needs to be called out.

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 08:44

@InTheHeatofLisbon
“Treating a woman with less respect because she's a woman is the actual definition of sexism. ”

Yes. But a man calling a woman “love” when serving from a tea trolley while calling the men “sir” is not necessarily treating the woman with less respect. Respect is mostly nonverbal context and cues.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 08:45

BuzzShitbagBobbly well that meme is scarily accurate!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/08/2019 08:45

I'm form the north east and it's common to call someone "love" or "pet" and the male equivalent would probably be "mate"

Or even "bonny lad".

And men get called "pet" by women.

In fact, as Justin Welby and John Pritchard found when they were bishops in this area. "Pet" is also the official title of a Bishop.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 08:46

Yes. But a man calling a woman “love” when serving from a tea trolley while calling the men “sir” is not necessarily treating the woman with less respect

It is. It may be unintentional, as I think it was in this case, but it was disrespectful nonetheless.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/08/2019 08:48

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I quite like being a "pet", "love" or "darling", it's warm and friendly rather than a cold and formal "Madam" or "ma'am". And I am quite the opposite of an accepting "little woman". Maybe it's because where I'm from in the North it's quite normal and not condescending at all.

Same here - as long as he same person called the men "pet", "bonny lad", "marra" etc

If they uses a formal, courteous designation for the men in the carriage, then they should use it for the women.

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 08:51

@InTheHeatofLisbon
Sorry, I disagree. ‘Love’ is an accepted and common friendly term of address and there is nothing disrespectful about friendliness.

If he had ignored her/not served her tea or said “left the kids at home have we?” Or asked the man next to her “would your wife like tea?” Or called her “little miss” or “sweet tits” THAT would be disrespectful.

1arlingtonroad · 12/08/2019 08:54

A simple I’m not your love the first time he said it would have been suffice. If you were that outraged about it why didn’t you say something immediately

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 08:54

If he had ignored her/not served her tea or said “left the kids at home have we?” Or asked the man next to her “would your wife like tea?” Or called her “little miss” or “sweet tits” THAT would be disrespectful.

If you say so. I disagree that it would have to be that extreme to be offensive.

If "love" is an accepted and common friendly term of address then why not call the men "love" too?

Because if he felt they were equal he would have. In which case, I wouldn't (and I think OP wouldn't) have a problem.

He spoke to her differently because she's a woman. It's 2019 ffs.

GabriellaMontez · 12/08/2019 08:57

This isn't about the use of friendly endearments.@Angelasashes I don't think anyone here objects to these.

It's about the totally different use of language and formality for the men on board compared to the woman.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 12/08/2019 08:57

Sorry, I disagree. ‘Love’ is an accepted and common friendly term of address and there is nothing disrespectful about friendliness.

Why are you deliberately misrepresenting what happened though?

He deliberately used a formal respectful term when speaking with all the males in the train.

When he got to OP, he reverted to an informal, non-respectful term.

If ALL had been love/duck/mate - fine
If ALL had been Sir/Madam - fine.

Lilyofthefields · 12/08/2019 08:58

I have had this so many times OP and I have never challenged it. I know he is only being friendly, but to hear "sir" and "feller" all the way down the carriage until I get "love" makes me feel even more like a sore thumb than I did before.

notsohippychick · 12/08/2019 08:59

I’m all for calling people out when things are unacceptable but you have to pick your battles. Stuff like this, whilst it’s annoying for some wouldn’t bother me at all. You have to let some stuff go otherwise you spend your entire life being offended and raging about things.

All you’ve done is upset a perfectly decent fellow who was trying to be polite. He just wanted to do his job.

Just pick your battles. Let it go!!!

LakieLady · 12/08/2019 08:59

I don’t understand why you have made a thread about this? The man was clearly just being friendly.

Everyday sexism: the men were being addressed in a way that signifies respect and status, OP was addressed in a way that signifies informality and lack of status.

YANBU, OP, and I like to think that I would have done the same. But realistically, at silly o'clock in the morning I probably wouldn't even have noticed.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/08/2019 08:59

If ALL had been love/duck/mate - fine
If ALL had been Sir/Madam - fine

Bang on.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 12/08/2019 09:02

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest,sounds like he was being friendly tbh

MassDebate · 12/08/2019 09:05

Completely agree with you. You see this all the time - it’s demeaning and infantilising. Having said that. It’s so deeply ingrained in society that he probably had no idea it could be ill-perceived.

Swipe left for the next trending thread