WIBU to call this out?

[harriethoyle]

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

[SlothMama]

YABU, personally I've grown up being called love, dear, darling etc and I wouldn't think anything of it. I think it's nice that he's so cheery so early in the morning, and I hope your put down hasn't affected the rest of his day.

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

Just because he seemed a well-meaning, happy sort of man doesn't mean you shouldn't politely call him out on it. We need these sort of benign, friendly people to understand our point of view and maybe change their behaviour to make fewer micro-sexism incidents like this happen and proper misogyny will show even more starkly.

We've come a long way since the 70s when bottom pinching was normal and depictions of women were dolly bird, battleaxe or secretary on the TV. Women called it out and it's shocking now. We still have more to do.

[Wtfdoipick]

I think it's nice that he's so cheery so early in the morning, and I hope your put down hasn't affected the rest of his day.

Oh God the poor man lot are out in force.

For those who think he was just being cheery and friendly why did he not treat the men the same way? Op ywnbu

[Rachelover40]

You were absolutely right and I admire your courage.

[DinosaursWouldEatYou]

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

More offensive to me however is posters referring to themselves as a moo. FFS! Anyone using that word unless reading to a toddler needs to get in the bin.

[Drogosnextwife]

I went away recently with my 2 children to stay in a hotel. One of the male restaurant workers kept calling me darling and sweetheart, all the other women there with their partners were madame, and the men were sir. I didn't want to embarrass my kids by bringing it up at the time, I also don't like to complain about people who will be serving my food. I did write them an email to complain about a few things during our stay, that was in the complaint but I didn't get a reply. In hindsight, I wish at had said something at the time.

[SteelRiver]

If he was calling all the men around something informal like mate or pal, I wouldn't be so bothered, but he was using a term of respect for them. He should've done the same for you. YWNBU.

[Alcoholtolerancegonetopot]

One thing that strikes me about this thread is the amount of pressure on women to be "nice". You're not allowed to politely say no to everyday sexism because it might hurt the man's feelings (or it might not - I've worked in customer service roles and if someone politely correcting me about their preferred form of address was enough to ruin my day, I wouldn't have lasted the first week).

Meanwhile, the guy clearly wasn't born with hardwired knowledge that "sir" is the right form of address for other men; he calls men "sir" because it's what a lot of men expect. But a woman who wants the same level of respect that men are already receiving is obviously getting above herself, or a trouble-maker, or committing the ultimate sin of not being a "good girl".

[WorraLiberty]

"You're not allowed to politely say no to everyday sexism because it might hurt the man's feelings"

That's rubbish.

We're all 'allowed' to do these things but look at the amount of Mumsnetters who won't even politely ask a neighbour (male or female) to move their bin or turn their TV down because "I don't like confrontation"

Some people don't understand the difference between 'confrontation' and basic adult communication.

[defectiveinspector]

How depressing that a lot if women on here do not see what the issue is. I give up. The man wasn't being friendly, he was treating the OP in a derogatory way because she is a woman. Formal with the men informal with the woman. It was refreshing being in the USA this summer and not being called love by everyone.

[BustedDreams]

The problem is millennials/younger generation are being brought up with different values and perspectives on what’s socially acceptable.

I’m making an assumption the guy trolley person was of the older generation, where addressing someone as love etc is viewed as an endearment. Not making excuses, just giving a possible explanation.

I wouldn’t have blinked an eye tbh. Each to their own though.

[Coffeeandcherrypie]

I have no issue with being called love but context is key. You don’t address men as ‘sir’ and women as ‘love’. You just don’t. Imagine if you went to meet your bank manager with your husband and he called your DH ‘sir’ and you ‘love’. Thoroughly unprofessional.

[Beesandcheese]

Well done for having the self respect to not be infantilised and disrespected unlike those on here who are deluded into think it's just friendly.

[Wtfdoipick]

I’m making an assumption the guy trolley person was of the older generation, where addressing someone as love etc is viewed as an endearment. Not making excuses, just giving a possible explanation.

I'm definitely not a millennial, I only just miss out on being a baby boomer. Again if it's just a friendly endearment why did the men not warrant the same treatment?

[browzingss]

Whilst I see why you may be annoyed, I would have left it. Simply because he’s a random stranger that you’ll never come across again - in comparison if it was a colleague that I’d regularly see, I’d let them know that I didn’t appreciate that. I just can’t be bothered to have a confrontation over every possible micro aggression throughout the day, would rather use my energy elsewhere.

If anything, you would be better complaining to the train company directly. Not necessarily against that particular staff member but in regard to their staff training. The staff member was most likely told to be ‘cheery’, ‘have a warm attitude’ and ‘greet everyone’ for customer service reasons. Something went wrong in translation if he’s using sir and darling interchangeably without realising that he’s causing offence/being sexist. He may be from a certain region where ‘love’ is normal etc so it would be more useful for the train company to standardise their customer service pitch.

Unfortunately I don’t think ‘calling him out’ may have had any effect on his behaviour - you may have just been written off as a grumpy passenger

[diddl]

"where addressing someone as love etc is viewed as an endearment. "

So why didn't he also use a "term of endearment" to the men?

[WanderingTrolley1]

Blimey, OP. I would have been embarrassed for you if I were in your vicinity.

[Coffeeandcherrypie]

@WanderingTrolley1 are you the trolley man?

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

Imagine if you went to meet your bank manager with your husband and he called your DH ‘sir’ and you ‘love’.

Stereotypes and implicit assumptions are very ingrained for all of us aren't they?

Exactly why we should point low level stuff out every time

[ThunderR0ad78]

I think you were unnecessarily precious! He was just being friendly.

[diddl]

What has him "being friendly" got to do with anything?

So was he also friendly to the men?

If not, why?

[Sparklfairy]

I had a manager (roughly my age) who would call me 'babe'. It was quite an informal workplace so not flirting, but inappropriate I thought as obviously he never spoke to the men like that. It was 'thanks buddy' for them and 'thanks babe' for me. Every time I would look him in the eye and go 'youre welcome darling'. The first time he looked surprised and about to say it was not appropriate, then realised the hypocrisy. It soon stopped.

[Gigiandme]

I'd not have wanted to make the poor guy feel stupid when he was probably just trying to be nice. I wouldn't have said anything. Also would you really have been fine if he'd called you 'Madam' or something? That would have made me feel incredibly uncomfortable

[Gigiandme]

I'm another who thinks being called love etc is friendly and nice, though.