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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like cancelling my big wedding

202 replies

flamed12 · 12/07/2019 00:34

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 00:35

Partner wanted a small thing but went along with the big thing for me as I thought I wanted it. Idiot 😩

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 12/07/2019 00:37

Do what you want to do. Practice a couple of conversation-ending phrases to use with family who protest, and relax!

Pinkcat231 · 12/07/2019 01:46

Why don’t you want a big wedding? The stress? Pressure? You need to decide what you would want to do if no one else expressed an opinion. I was struggling planning my wedding/being centre of attention but you can get through it by breaking it down into individual tasks/parts of the day and still enjoy it.

If you really hate the idea of a big wedding now that’s fine too. Do what’s best for you and your DP.

Try telling your family you’ve decided to elope then the registry office can be the compromise Wink

HellYeah90s · 12/07/2019 01:50

Better to decide now than in 10 months time...days before your wedding when you would have spent more £££, sent out invitations etc, not to mention having to explain to all friends and family why you have called it off at such short notice.

It's your day, so your family shouldn't dictate on how your ceremony should happen.

I was the same, I couldn't handle being centre of attention or really be bothered organising and pay a big fancy wedding. DH was also keen on something a bit quieter.

We ended up eloping, there were a few pissed off relatives and PIL were not overly pleased but they soon got over themselves. We chucked a big party a couple weeks and invited friends, family etc and had a great night.

SandAndSea · 12/07/2019 01:58

If you don't want to lose too much money, could you change the day so you have a small ceremony followed by a big reception/party? It could be a good compromise??

whywhywhy6 · 12/07/2019 02:24

Cancel it! Why torture yourself over one day and the money will work itself out. Maybe you can come to an agreement with them on the deposit.

And stuff your family - at the end of the day they should just want you to be happy and a big wedding won’t make you happy (and I felt the same way about big weddings so you aren’t alone there).

Flowers
jameswong · 12/07/2019 02:25

Who are you calling an idiot? You or your partner?

Torridon19 · 12/07/2019 02:28

Poor partner - they are already being demeaned.....

Birdie6 · 12/07/2019 02:29

This is the one time in your life when it should be "all about you". So stop going along with what other people want - it's not their day !

Do what my friend did - have a totally private registry office wedding and then a party. They told everyone it was just a party, and we were all surprised when they walked in wearing wedding garb and said "We're married !".

SeaToSki · 12/07/2019 02:39

Sneak off to the registry office, just you and DP. Then go for a slap up lunch with a couple of glasses of something and then text your family that the wedding is off...because you are married already... hooray. What can they do...belly ache for a few weeks, much better than the stress you currently have

Durgasarrow · 12/07/2019 02:45

You would save a lot more money than you lose, honestly!! Have the wedding YOU want.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 02:50

I meant I was an idiot for not realising I wanted a small wedding back when he mentioned it! He’s completely happy to go With what I want.

I flip between I can do this to I hate this and I don’t want it.

Without realising it is a part of my day to day thoughts a lot. I’ve developed a twitch in my thumb and I’ve started sleep walking and everything says stress can cause it. I think I’m not stressed so can’t be that. Then I realise I am stressed about this wedding and I wonder if it’s underlying.

We went to see small wedding venues but my families reaction was too much the handle. They can’t understand my thinking. At first I said it was money. I don’t like the idea of spending so much money on one day but we can afford it and they know that.

Plus my dad has kindly offered to pay some (he hasn’t paid anything yet). So he was the most perplexed.

Ultimately though it’s the thought of being centre stage. The thought of walking down the aisle. Talking in front of everybody saying my vows. Talking to everyone and socialising. Dancing in front of everyone. It’s filling me with absolute dread.

Then there is the million things I need to do to organise it. I haven’t picked a dress yet or colour scheme. I have picked a venue photographer and band. That’s all. And I just can’t be bothered. I have two young kids and partner works in a highly stressful job and works away a lot. So it’s mostly on me to organise and I just don’t want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 02:56

My dad has been writing him speech for over a year now too Hmm. He loves the attention so he can’t understand it. Tells everyone he meets about the wedding.

It’s a school mum friend who is the photographer and I would feel so embarrassed to cancel her although she’s only been booked a few weeks.

Then there is my hen do. My sisters are arranging something and I get the feeling they are planning a hen do abroad and I don’t want it. Honestly I just want a night/day out and the first text I am sending is “sorry I know you are supposed to be planning a surprise hen do for me but can I just ask that it is a day/night thing locally?”

The thought of everything the hen do/wedding makes me want to not get married at all but then I do want to be married. I feel like an absolute misery but how can people enjoy this. I think I must be an extreme introvert as I can’t handle it Sad

OP posts:
c75kp0r · 12/07/2019 03:08

Ok the 3,000 has been spent regardless - think of it as the sunk cost fallacy.

ie the venue (or whoever) has the £3000, it has been spent that fact can't be altered. So now, do you want to

have a miserable day by doing the thing that cost 3000 but that you hate?
forget the 3,000 and go and do something you want instead?

either way the money won't come back - google 'sunk cost fallacy ' for a better explanation than I have managed

Topseyt · 12/07/2019 03:12

Do what suits you. Ignore everyone else. They will get over it.

Cancel it now. Just have the registry office do and a nice meal afterwards. Your Dad can still make his speech there if he wants to do it so badly.

The money you save can be used on a good holiday.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 03:13

Thanks that helps. I know we will end up spending a ridiculous amount if we continue (in my opinion for one day) so I’m not too worried about what we’ve spend. More about my family and their opinions.

But I’m almost 100% certain that a quiet small wedding will almost instantly release this pressure on my shoulders.

OP posts:
c75kp0r · 12/07/2019 03:13

Is there anyone at all who can advocate for you - go and have a word with them and make the see what they are doing? Batty old aunts are often good for this...

Sorry to be mean to your family but they are all looking to meet their own needs and forgetting it is your day and your life.

Decormad38 · 12/07/2019 03:13

We just went abroad and got married then had a party when we got back. I didn't want the stress of all that usual wedding crap. If you don't do what you feel and want then you will only remember the day as something you didn't want. Tell them to stop being selfish dicks.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 03:16

I’ve been putting off planning for so long. Any excuse to wait til next month. We’re just back from our holiday and I gained half a stone because I ate and drank it until I was happy. But immediately I feel miserable as I know I’ll wait to lose it for my big wedding.

When I think of a small thing I don’t feel this pressure for some reason? I think I look fine but this big affair is pushing me to feel certain ways and I don’t like it.

I feel like I’d need to do the registry office ASAP. How soon would you say?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 12/07/2019 03:17

Oh, and you can put your foot down about the hen do as well. I did when we got married. I didn't have one, and made it plain early on that I didn't want one and wouldn't be going if anything was organised.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 03:17

@Topseyt I love this. I want to be more like you.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 03:22

Something else, I felt pressured into asking someone to be my bridesmaid. Someone I didn’t really know that well and now I do I dislike. And that just annoys me that I’ve allowed myself to be such a people pleaser. I almost feel like I need to stop it all just to make it up to myself. But then in the process potentially upset my parents.

My dad and stepwife already caused a scene at a party back in January about it. They were both drunk but being really horrible about it.

My mum hasn’t said anything mean but I get the feeling she’s excited and she would be a bit gutted but she would understand.

My sisters wouldn’t be thrilled but they’d understand.

So I guess the main person is my dad. If he died tomorrow I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m not even close to him, avoid him when I can and don’t like him (I have reason to - physical violence to my mum and other girlfriend, temper outbursts etc). Why do I even care?!

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 12/07/2019 03:25

It’s not your family’s wedding, it’s yours. It shouldn’t be this stressful. Have a small wedding. Your father can still make a speech and you’ll still want photographs, the difference is you’ll actually enjoy it.

Darkstar4855 · 12/07/2019 03:28

Oh wow, just seen your most recent post. DEFINITELY have a small wedding, preferably on a beach somewhere and don’t even invite your dad.

TwistyTop · 12/07/2019 03:40

Your dad sounds like a dickhead. Why are you doing things to keep him happy?

Cancel the wedding, do it all your way and people don't like it then they don't have to attend.

Also, congrats!