To feel like cancelling my big wedding

[flamed12]

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

I couldn’t think of anything worse than being the centre of attention. And spending vast amounts of money on a piece of paper isn’t for me either. I just wanted to be married to the love of my life.

We did it midweek to shake of those people who don’t really care about us enough to take time off work, and because the venue was free, then had it late afternoon, ceremony straight into a bbq and then party. My family twisted about it a bit at the start to be honest but I was very firm and clear about it. Which is unlike me as I’m a people pleaser too. I said if people don’t want to come I’d never hold it against them ever. No problem.

I had no bridesmaids and there was no best man. We stayed together the night before and my mum was aghast at this the most haha.

Honestly they all love me so let me get On with it and when all was said and done it’s still talked about now as the best family wedding. Because it was just a party really. And we threw money behind the bar.

Do what you want to do. If people fall out with you about it then you don’t need them in your life and don’t give them another wasted thought.

We also spent all of our money on our honeymoon - it cost 4x that of the wedding which basically cost next to nothing.

It’s your day OP, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

He’s angry at me now calls me indecisive but he’s not planned a thing. Not interested so ofcourse he would say that. He said how can I go to bed one night then next morning the wedding is off. I said I’ve been saying for months I don’t like this I don’t enjoy it I want a small wedding. He said look online no one enjoys it! It’s stressful.

Now he claims he’ll take the planning On and do it all. Just to make me be quiet I think. He can’t plan anything never mind a wedding.

Our relationship is ok. He works I look after the kids and house. It works for us but we’ve been together 12 years and I wouldn’t say it’s head of heels in love. He supports me in everything I do and I know ultimately he will come round to my way if it makes me happy. We have had issues over the last year or so but we have two kids together and I believe will make it work forever which is why I want to marry him.

Let him take on all of the planning.
Do not interfere.
Let him get on with it.
See how far he gets before he starts getting stressed!!!

Don’t throw good money after bad. Cancel now. If the £3k is your venue deposit then you might get something back as you are giving them plenty of notice.

Otherwise, regard the £3k as an investment towards your own happiness and the wedding you actually want.

Your wedding. Your rules.

I thought early on in your thread that this was about your fear or your father and your habituation to placating people to avoid a nebulous punishment, learned from that relationship with him. I'm really sorry your dp is not hearing you on this. Can you tell him that this feeling has been building in you, but it has been hard for you to stop going along with things because that's what you've always done, to survive, so to speak? Tell him you need to cancel the current plans - no discussion - and could you two sit down together and sketch out an alternative day?

If he keeps pressuring you to stick with the current plans, I'm afraid you may have more to consider than your issues with your father - but I hope it won't come to that.

I'm going to sound a note of caution here OP, because when I read the first page of this I thought it was possible that you had previous form for making total turnarounds on decisions!

If you are stressed about getting married I don't think the size of the venue and guest list will change that very much.

Your dp does not want to be embarrassed, so he is 'taking over' so that he does not need to face up to cancelling plans with his family and friends.

He is NOT prioritising your feelings, and I suspect he has got used to overlooking your needs op when it suits him.

No it is not okay that he plans a wedding that you don't want. You are not going to feel ANY better at the big wedding, as centre stage, regardless of who has booked the wedding!

Tell him no, a small wedding is all that it can be. You will inform all of the guests. Be assertive and be honest. He isn't listening to you op, you have been 'saying for months' how much this is worrying you.

I would have a problem marrying someone that was so happy to gloss over my needs and wishes, 12 years on he seems to not have your best interests at heart.

Cancel the big wedding now, and then decide what kind of wedding you would like to have. He has no right to be angry. He should be supporting you op, and you know this deep down.

It sounds like the wedding currently planned is a civil ceremony, OP, but I just want to put this out there in case anyone is under the impression that a small simple wedding has to mean register office.

There’s no reason why you can’t have a small simple wedding in a church (if that is what you want) - I am a Methodist minister and have married a couple with fewer than 10 close family present, no hymns, no fuss. They then went to a restaurant for a nice meal.

No point getting a wedding planner. You’ll still have to make decisions regarding flowers/colours/dress/food etc. You’re then just paying a middle man to make the necessary phone calls etc.

Sit down one night when the kids are asleep and make a list of all the things that need doing.

Then sort that list into priorities. Either in terms of time pressure or anxiety inducing pressure.

Work through the list one by one until you’ve sorted everything. Do it this week. Do it tonight. The sooner you get to grips with the issue the sooner you can resolve it.

It really does just boil down to organisation.

As the bride you don’t have to make a speech at the reception. The vows, well you’re just repeating what the vicar says. Easy. The dance, just pick a fun and lively song that everyone will like. Do a slow turn in the middle of the room for the first 20 seconds then split off and drag friends/family in for the rest of the song. Photos can be what you want. Why not suggest the photographer just does roaming crowd shots rather than set up posed ones?

I agree with your DH to be. Stick it with it now. It also seems like he might like to celebrate with his extended family given his parents are dead.

Can I also add that once the big wedding is cancelled, you and dp are free to decide on the new one together, provided it is small and does not stress you out.

Are you absolutely sure you want to marry this man op?

@ChicCroissant what gives you that impression on the first few pages?

I have found planning our wedding (100 people) really enjoyable and not at all stressful - so he's talking out of his arse there.

Point is - YOU aren't enjoying it and this isn't something that you want. You have told him this before.

His reaction is worrying. He doesn't seem very supportive of your emotional wellbeing or your opinions. His reaction is one of anger instead of concern

Let him crack on with the planning and just turn up for the day. That is if you really want to marry him!!

Why angry? This is not a normal reaction op. Concerned, worried, keen to help you come to a solution, all of those things you would normally expect. Not anger.

No wonder you have been going along with this for so long, despite all of your reservations, you were probably worried about his reaction.

I'd personally be asking him why he thinks it is okay for you to be stressed out to the point of feeling ill for a day that is supposed to be one of the happiest of your lives?

Can you compromise on a small registry office wedding now and a big celebratory party using the original venue on the original date? Cuts out a lot of the planning as well as keeping costs down.
All registry offices are obliged to offer basic marriages. Cost is around £55. The slots are usually on a weekday morning and usually allow for only two witnesses. These are not prominent on many council's websites as they make a lot of money out of weddings.
If your photographer was one of your witnesses you could ask her to make up a slideshow which you could show at a bigger party on the original date.
Evening only party for everyone. Your dad could still give a speech if that's what his life depends on. Pay for fizz for a toast, and have bacon or cheese rolls and cake after an hour or so. DJ and pay bar. Less stress all round.

Until I start thinking about this wedding and sometimes genuinely think I’d rather end the relationship than go ahead (I know that’s dramatic though)

@flamed12

I had an abusive parent and the mental image of your Dad telling everyone he meets about this big wedding is familiar. My wedding was literally my Mum’s wedding, everything she wanted, all about her.

I was also left with very bad anxiety and that is common. It sounds to me as if your DP doesn’t understand how you’re feeling, is minimising what your Dad is like and also - to a certain extent - thinks cancelling the big do is something to be ashamed of. It’s not, and you need to ask him what’s more important - image and pleasing your Dad, or your feelings and wishes?

A wedding should be exactly what the bride and groom want. Would it be worth you having some counselling to talk things through with someone impartial?

OP, it was the number of different reasons you gave often putting the responsibility/blame on other people that made me think you have form for changing things. When one reason is discounted, you'll come up with another.

Do you have form for this, because it would explain your partner's reaction a bit? Not that it helps your immediate stress about it all, but I suspect you'll feel stressed whatever you decide which isn't easy to cope with at all either for you or your partner.

Take him at his word then. Do NOTHING. Buy your dress at some point if it’s going ahead.
Tell your parents to go to DH with any queries as he is planning the wedding. Don’t ask him how it’s going, don’t give it head space.

• I’m fact as I can be a bit evil, if there is anything to hand over to him, booking confirmations etc. I’d email it to him and tell him how pleased you are he’s taking over and add a smiley face emoji and a 👍

@ChicCroissant hmm I really don’t think I do. I usually follow through on my decisions and don’t second guess myself. I guess if something feels wrong then I do change my mind but then I think that’s normal. I tend to spend a lot of time on a decision and then am sure it’s the right one. Where as this one seemed a bit rushed in the heat of our engagement and the “normal” thing to do. But now I’ve realised I don’t want it. I’ve said so for atleast 7 months possibly more.

I don’t deal with stress well but generally I’m ok I’m not erratic in general day to day life.

Don't let him plan it, don't keep on wondering if you can cope with the stress etc etc, - just cancel it.

Imagine the relief you and your fiance will feel, doing what you both want!

OP, you sound lovely - but please don't live your life for other people. Cancelling this wedding will send out a strong signal that from now on you are pleasing yourself - and honestly the type of people who would get upset at a family member having the type of wedding they are comfortable with, and can happily look forward to and enjoy are not the type of people you can ever truly please anyway.

Have a lovely small wedding

My wedding day went like this. Church for 1:30 ceremony finished 2:15. Photos. Hired our local pub function room for reception/night do. They also did all the seat coverings tables etc. Was there for 3pm. Buffet already out. From 6pm guests were given a meal ticket and a menu for a hot meal if they wanted it. They could go and order what they wanted. I didnt write a playlist, I did a joke box DJ basically everyone wrote their fave songs on a piece of card and out it in a box on the way in and the DJ played those - something for everyone then. The only seating plan I had was the top table everyone just sat wherever and with whoever they wanted.

I literally had to book the church, book the venue, sort mine and bridesmaids dresses and pick a cake. No stress, guest orientated and everyone had a blast.

Mil wasnt thrilled with the arrangement. She wanted formal etc. I told her it wasnt her getting married and she didnt have to come if she didnt want to. Not another word was said

Ha I beat you , local church , used our own car ( friend drove ) no bridesmaids , reception in school hall didnt occur to me decorate it , very plain buffet , ham or chicken salad with 2 choices of pudding
No speeches ( again never occurred to me )
disco in the evening
We did have about 118 guests , they all had a good time I didnt need to entertain them
It was 38 years ago , tho

It is a setback that your partner has turned out to be unsupportive now, especially as he had seemed OK with the smaller do back at the beginning.

Stick to your guns saying that you do not want this type of wedding. You want to marry him (if you do, you are beginning to sound a bit doubtful) but you don't want to be forced into a big wedding that you are very unhappy about.

If he won't climb down from the big wedding then leave him to do 100% of the organising. He has said he is going to do it, so take him at his word. The experience of trying to do it all, manage both families and the expectations of everyone might be the only thing that rams home to him that you are talking sense.

What's the betting that he decides that wedding planning isn't for him and bottles it? Then you just cancel, and maybe if you still want to actually get married he will listen to you.

Reading your updates, you are feeling out of control and need to cancel. It is the only thing that might make some people sit up and listen. Might! Not guaranteed though, but you will make your point.

OP, I think there are a whole load of issues here that need to be sorted that are about more than your wedding. About your anxiety and your relationships with your family and partner. I won’t try and pick them apart, but remember that anyone who doesn’t put your happiness first is not someone you need to listen to on this.

But that aside, just a couple of thoughts about “big weddings” that might give you some other options to make it less stressful without cancelling everything.
You don’t have to walk down the aisle while your partner waits at the end. You could stand at the front with him from the start, or you could walk down the aisle together. If you did that with your kids it would actually be a lovely way of showing that you already have your family, and this just cements that.
You don’t have to do a first dance, at all. We didn’t at our wedding. Lots of people don’t.
You don’t have to make a speech. Neither does anyone else if you don’t want them to.
You don’t have to have a long white dress or elaborate hair and makeup.
You don’t have to have hundreds of formally posed photos.
You don’t have to have a top

You should enjoy this, or it’s just a waste of money. It shouldn’t be an ordeal.