To feel like cancelling my big wedding

[flamed12]

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

it's your wedding. is your DP on board with a small wedding? just do it. doesn't matter what others want/think.

we eloped. no party, no dress, no hen do. it's just not me and I have no regrets. we went out for a meal after with family. weddings are totally overrated. the marriage bit is the important part.

I was also going to suggest getting married ASAP. Book a day off and do it, have a romantic lunch & tell nobody.

Use the venue for a reception later on , wear a pretty dress and talk to whoever you want to.

You’re dh can toast his bride at a drinks reception, tell guests there will be no ceremony. Give them food and let your dad do his speech.
Cancel the dancing if you like.

Don’t worry about pleasing people, it’s impossible.

Yanbu. Cancel. Your dad and family are taking over. This is just an extension of your dad's abuse, his controlling you and your dfs day to suit his own agenda. If he refused to come to a smaller wedding would you feel heartbroken or relieved?

@HollowTalk has the perfect message to cover both the wedding change and hen. Good luck.

Oh and cancel the bridesmaid too.

It's your's and your partner's wedding - not your family`s.
Talk to your partner and then get it cancelled.
Book a registry office and a pub afterwards for a few people or just go and get married, just the two of you. No one else is getting married - just you two.

More about my family and their opinions
Fuck 'em.
Sorry but this is YOUR day. Yours and your DP.
I'd cancel everything I could.
Then I'd book a registry office and just do it without anyone knowing.
Then just have a get together in your local to celebrate it all.
Just put on a buffet.
No fuss is required.
People will be disappointed but this is what you both want.
So just do it how you want to.

Split the wedding - we did as DH didn't want a big wedding being in front of all the people but we felt bad not inviting all the family.

We had two sets of day invites - immediate family and grandparents were invited to the ceremony (we had it in the same venue as the reception) and then everyone else was invited to the reception.

Everyone was then there for the photos, but there were only about 15 of us in the actual ceremony room. Lots more for the wedding breakfast, but rather than a long 'top table' we went for round tables so we blended in more.

Something like that could work for you to have a smaller ceremony and blend in, so you do not feel so watched, but you can still have people there.

At the end of the day you need to have the day that works for you and your future DH, not the day others want.

My DS got married in the registry office at the end of last year. His reception is tomorrow and it is apparently a festival as opposed to a wedding. The marriage was lovely as the registry office was like a big castle and the festival is in a castle setting. The pressure is off everyone as opposed to dress etc. Get married in secret in a different town and tell them when you have the (party).

if you're changing the date and it's only small I'd suggest making sure the important guests can do your new dates before booking.

but large weddings are stressful enough when that's what you want. your family should want you happy, and if a smaller do achieves that then great.

Sit down with your dh to be and discuss what you both actually want ignoring all previous plans. I didn't want to be centre of attention but my dh loves his big family and wanted them there. We slipped the most scary bits so no first dance, no cake cutting etc. Had a lovely day in the end.

The scary bit I couldn't skip was walking down the aisle. Luckily my dad slipped me a slug of some random foreign spirits he had in the wedding car and I think I hit that point of resignation to getting that bit done and actually was fine. At the front you face away from the crowd so fine.

Waffling a bit but my point is pick apart a wedding and pick the bits that matter to you both. And your dh has to step-up and help.

Oh definitely cancel. Don’t worry about the £3k as that’s already spent and you will save way more than that by not having the big wedding. I wouldn’t bother making a big announcement about it either, just crack on with the new event and invite people as you would normally. Don’t discuss or debate with family/friends just present it as a done deal. This is much, much easier if you bring the date forward too.

We did this. Our wedding was being dictated by my mother and was spiralling out of all control. Everything was a battle and I (at 30, and at my own wedding that I was paying for the bulk of) was being overruled as “we’re hosting, hoodie”.

We stopped talking to them about the wedding and cancelled it without telling anyone except the vicar. We then invited a much smaller group of much loved people to lunch and took them to church for us to get married with them and then on to lunch and a party. The original wedding would have been 4 months later.

We lost about £5k, but saved many multiples of that by not having the circus wedding my mother wanted. It saved a lot of arguments and stress for me and DH and we’re still going strong 12 years later. My mother still makes barbed comments but frankly that’s her issue - I did the right thing for me and for DH. I think it’s the first time I ever said no to my parents in a way that they couldn’t bully me back to their way.

Please put yourself first. It’s so liberating.

There is a middle way here:

You could keep the venue and everything else that is booked and then dial down on everything else.

You don’t need a colour scheme.

Pick any dress you like and don’t get stressed about finding “the” dress.

You don’t have to walk down the aisle. Aisle’s are in churches. In your venue, you can organise it how you want and you and your H to B can enter the room in whatever way you want. You can walk in together, before the guests enter so that you aren’t walking in to an audience, if that’s what you’d prefer.

You don’t have to do the first dance malarkey.

You don’t have to go to the maximum number of guests for the venue. Keep the guest list to people who are important to you.

It’s your wedding, it’s not about everyone else- it’s about you.
If you’re not happy on your own wedding day because you’ve pandered to everyone else’s wants and needs, what’s the point in getting married?

It’s about yours and your future husbands commitment to one another, the after party etc is irrelevant to that and if you don’t want to make a massive fuss then don’t.

PLease , talk to your other half , decide what YOU want to do and cancel the big fancy over the top plans you've been persuaded into .
It sounds as if the £3,000 is spent anyway , but there will be lots more money spent if you go ahead , plus guests would spend a lot more too.
A friend of mine had just bought a house and invited everyone to a house warming /painting party ,turned up and announced , got married at the registry office today ,this is my reception .
It truly was the most enjoyable party ever , nobody dressed up , folks sitting on the stairs with glasses of bubbly ,a beautiful cake and true friends who cared

You've taken the first step by admitting to yourself that it's not what you want and posting here for advice.

It's your wedding so obviously you should have it the way you want it.

It sounds as if having a violent, bullying father has left you with the response of submitting to him when he starts bullying you. This would have been a survival technique when you were small, but you're an adult woman now and you can change your reactions to him. Good luck!

If they kick off just don’t invite them to your wedding (you shouldn’t your dad anyway tbh)

Some people want the big day with the fuss and the attention, others just want a quiet one. The point is that they have the wedding THEY want.

Why are you even bothering about pleasing your dad, given the things you’ve said about him? Why worry about the hen night - just tell your friends you don’t want to go away.

Just tell people straight!

You will make yourself ill if you carry on like this.

I had a small wedding in a register office and then lunch at a nice restaurant afterwards. Just us, and four guests. No bridesmaids, no hen night. Just the wedding we wanted. Nobody else’s idea of a wedding. Ours.

I don’t think the bullying and over-ruling of your preferences is going to stop, no matter what you say to them, in fact I think it’s going to get worse. I think your understandable anxiety will get worse too. In your position I would have a register office wedding as soon as possible, like in the next couple of weeks. There will be a fuss about it but it won’t last long because once you’re married, you’re married and that’s that.

and the wedding photo was brilliant , guests plonked up the stairs raising a glass , all in one brilliant photo , happily dressed in their scruffy painting clothes

Loose the money and start again just the way you both want it.

The venue has a minimum number of 80 on our day. There is no smaller room so I think that’s off the cards. I guess we could use it for a party but I honestly don’t even want that. I don’t have a large circle of friends, my sisters are my best friends. I don’t really enjoy large parties where I hardly know anyone.

My mum is 1 of 10 so her family is huge but I don’t know them well at all. I grew up abroad so when I did meet them they were strangers and have largely remained that way

Partner has a small family. One sister and a couple of close aunties. His parents passed away. I think he feels pressure to invite all family on both sides as he can’t pick favourites. So I’m not sure if he’ll decide to do it or not.

My ideal day would be about 20 of us in total (including my two kids) going to our local registry office then across the road for a meal then off to a hotel for a night or two.

We planned on doing disneyworld next year with the kids as our honeymoon so that would still be the case.

I think In reality partner would only feel comfortable with a minimum of 30 guests as then he could include some of his other aunties and uncles. Because his parents aren’t here it isn’t as simple as one or two people as he worries about offending his parents family.

@flamed12 I had a huge “naice” wedding because my parents were paying for the whole thing. My mum was very controlling and looking back it was all about her. It was a lovely day but not what I would have chosen.

If and when my dd gets married she will have total control because it’s HER day, not mine or DH’s.

£3000 is a lot of money to me so personally, depending on what you already have booked and whether it can be altered for fewer people, I’d be inclined to try to make changes rather than cancelling everything out of anxiety.

However, only you know what you’ve booked and whether that’s feasible.

What you need to remember is that your Dad has had HIS big day. This is your day and it should be what YOU and your DP want. Self care and setting boundaries is NOT selfish, it’s necessary.

Cancel or amend the bookings, tell everyone asap that your plans have changed from x to y and that you’ve decided to scrap bridesmaids or reduce the number. If anyone argues, just firmly repeat “I don’t want to discuss it, the big wedding was making me very anxious and I just want a small wedding”.

Are you sure it's not your intuition telling you this might not be the right person to marry? Cold feet this far away, in my humble opinion, tells me perhaps it's not right hence all the snags/worries/problems/anxiety.

I couldn't cope with the drama

I'm getting married in Vegas, just me and DP

Money wasn't an issue for us but the stress was making me sick with anxiety

Do what you want to do. It's not your family's wedding.

We were going to have a big one but canceled it as it was getting ridiculous and too stressful with everyone else's opinions etc. We were going to go to vegas but we ended up doing it a registry office then back to a pub for a bbq and drinks. We only invited immediate family, and we had 20 adults inc us, and our nieces and nephews.

Ultimately though it’s the thought of being centre stage. The thought of walking down the aisle. Talking in front of everybody saying my vows. Talking to everyone and socialising. Dancing in front of everyone. It’s filling me with absolute dread

You really don't notice talking in front of everyone, i was a bit worried about this but you focus on your vows and the registrar/vicar/whatever. We didn't do a first dance either.