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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like cancelling my big wedding

202 replies

flamed12 · 12/07/2019 00:34

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 12/07/2019 04:09

Your dad isnt pressuring you to have a big wedding to make you happy. He is doing it to make himself happy. Cancel the big wedding, have the wedding you want and make you and your partner happy.

Remember that you will be spending your married life with your partner not your dad so it is important that the two of you start off happy.

You are in a very fortunate position that a huge stress in your life could be removed with a few quick phone calls.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 04:15

Thanks you’re right actually. I hadn’t thought about that. I just hope my partner is on board tomorrow, I am seriously swaying towards it now.

I would prefer to announce it as ... big wedding is off but we will be married in smaller do on x date rather than big wedding is off but I’m not sure 🤔

OP posts:
BaweB · 12/07/2019 04:24

I know it's really hard because weddings are such emotional things but really, it's up to you what you want and this is especially true if you are paying for it.

I didn't have a particularly small wedding but it was very low key and I loved it. I didn't feel mega stressed about anything and I think everyone had fun. In contrast, my best friend just had the most meticulously detailed and planned wedding that she organised for 18 months. That's what she wanted and she had a great day but the run up left her exhausted and stressed and irritable. I much preferred to do it my way.

With the bridesmaid thing - maybe just ask your sisters? Then no one can get offended if you don't ask them.

With the hen - PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! Most people prefer a day and a night out anyway as it's cheaper and you can really go for it if it's one night only.

Good luck!

christmasinus · 12/07/2019 05:07

I had a massive wedding when I didn't really want one. We took my parents out to a couple of smaller, intimate places we liked, and my dad actually cried at the thought of me not getting married in a marquee in their garden. Confused

It was all a bit excessive and I there were so many people there wanting to talk to me I spent about 10 minutes with my husband all day. Now when I look back at wedding photos (20 years on) I can't tell you who most of the people in them are!

I had a happy ending in a way as my dh did not have a wedding ring (work related) and after a year he changed careers and regretted not getting a ring after all so a local priest we knew told us to buy one and go round to the church and he'd say a few words...and actually we had this lovely few minutes, me and dh saying our vows again and I ended up having the wedding I should have chosen in retrospect.

YY to the hen night also....I had to put a stop to Marbella theatrics and me and my mum, my sister and bf went for afternoon tea at Fortnum and Mason instead and it was lovely.

Fleetheart · 12/07/2019 05:13

I don’t think you need to say big wedding is off, just we have changed our plans slightly, we will be marrying at xxx instead. I do feel for you; take back control and you will be able to enjoy the next few months rather than spend them in dread. Your dad seems the issue; talk to your partner about how to pass on the news to your dad. After all it’s his wedding too and he can support you in dealing with your dad.

brainfrying · 12/07/2019 05:32

I feel exactly like you which is why I will never get married.I definitely think you should cancel but I would have firm plans in place before I told anyone otherwise you'll get railroad into having elementary of the original wedding that you don't want. Book the registry office and restaurant for X amount of people and be clear who is invite and who isn't. Tell them there'll be no bridesmaids, no hen etc. If I were you I would book it asap to get it over with and relieve your stress. Will your partner's family be ok with this?

clucky3 · 12/07/2019 05:32

This wedding is yours and your partner's. Your family have had (or will have) their own weddings where they got to decide how things would be. It doesn't matter what they think.

ConstanzaAndSalieri · 12/07/2019 05:38

You do not need to do anything you don’t want to.

Foreign hen party booked? Don’t show up.
Bug venue booked? Cancel
Speeches? Say you’re not having them.
Bridesmaids? Say you’re not having any.

What is the worst that can happen - lots of your family get in a mardy strop. But some of them don’t sound nice anyway and what do you lose this way?

I had a tiny wedding and didn’t tell many people.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 12/07/2019 05:45

I would cancel now. It's not worth the stress and aggro.

I felt like you when I got married 25 years ago. I didn't want a big fuss, white dress etc. Luckily I knew this from the start as did DH and so we always planned a small low key wedding. I wore a lovely green silk summer dress, no bridesmaids, no stag/hen do. Dh and I went out for a drink with a few friends the evening before we got married, got up the next day and went to the registry office together, then had a lunch reception for 50 people. Everyone left by late afternoon and dh and I spent a lovely evening together totally relaxed.

I have never regretted it. And we still look back on it as a lovely day.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 12/07/2019 05:53

You could just elope

You probably haven't send invitations yet, so you can just change the venue and your guest list. Have a small celebration and a family meal somewhere, or a much smaller party.

You could get married abroad and invite a handful of people, comes who want but that also gives you an excuse for dropping the hen.

Make your plans as quickly as possible so no one has time to organise anything.

As long as you both want the same thing, go for what makes you happy.
Weddings should not be stressful!

flouncyfanny · 12/07/2019 06:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katewhinesalot · 12/07/2019 06:12

I didn't want to be on show and wanted to get married abroad. Dh wanted to do it more conventionally. I succumbed and did it here but I treated it as a big party and cut many of the weddingy things. I did have a lovely day in the end.

It's your day. If you are stressed, imagine how it will be later on. Don't bow to pressure.

Apolloanddaphne · 12/07/2019 06:20

Sit down with your DH and plan the small wedding both of you want. Cancel all the stuff you don't want and book what you do want before telling anyone. Then tell everyone this is what is happening as it is the wedding you want rather than what they want.

MrsSpenserGregson · 12/07/2019 06:21

Ive just read your updates. Cancel the big wedding, book the registry office for the earliest date possible, and just get married. Organise a dinner / party afterwards, WHEN YOU ARE READY, in a place of your choosing, with nice guests of your and your partner's choosing. Do not invite your father. Violent? Bastard. Organise some counselling for yourself to help you stop feeling guilty about upsetting him. Flowers

Rachelover40 · 12/07/2019 06:24

SandAndSea Fri 12-Jul-19 01:58:19 If you don't want to lose too much money, could you change the day so you have a small ceremony followed by a big reception/party? It could be a good compromise??

Sounds good, SandAndSea.

Op, I didn't have a 'big' wedding by today's standard but it was fairly traditional and smart, pleased the parents.

However the memory now fills me with horror and if I had my time over again I'd just get married quietly and have a pub 'do' in the evening or at a later date.

Palaver1 · 12/07/2019 06:25

You can still have a lovely memorable wedding .
Don’t do the big one .
You could get an wedding planner.to help you
No one understands the stress of organising a party not to say a wedding unless they have gone through it
The most important thing is for you to say it now don’t delay once you’ve got this out in the open you’ll feel much better
The ceremony is just a day.its the years after that matter.

kmammamalto · 12/07/2019 06:26

Did it, done it. Do it!
I cancelled my big Irish wedding and got married with 50 people on the sea side. It was the most perfect day.
The thought of walking into a church and not recognising anyone was giving me nightmares.

Big weddings aren't for everyone and your wedding certainly isn't for anyone but you and your partner so Do what you want.

Best of luck

JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef · 12/07/2019 06:27

Talk to your partner. If he still wants a small wedding then honestly just cancel everything, don’t tell anyone, and elope. Tell them after you are married and there is no going back. You want a marriage, not a wedding, and that is laudable.

PianoTuner567 · 12/07/2019 06:27

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Sounds like this is all tied up in your relationship with your dad, which is a big and complicated thing.

Could you take your most trusted sister and explain all this so she can be on your side? Try tackling people individually and getting them to understand your point of view.

cptartapp · 12/07/2019 06:29

Why are you prioritising your families wishes and feelings above your own? Do they all run their major decisions by you first for your approval? How strange. Do what you want.

peanutbutterismydownfall · 12/07/2019 06:33

We were engaged for four years mainly because I spent three of those persuading DH that we didn't need to have the traditional big wedding. After 2 years, I told him it wasn't so much the wedding I didn't want as organising it. If he wanted a big wedding, he could organise it and I'd turn up. Turns out he didn't fancy organising a big wedding either.
We had DC before we got married, had a hefty mortgage & had busy jobs. I could see much better uses of my time & money than on a wedding. Instead, we had a registry office & then lunch. There were 12 people there in total including us and our DC. We had a big party a few weeks.
Do I have any regrets? I am my parents only DD and I think my mum would have liked to go on a wedding dress shopping trip with champagne and all of that sort of stuff. Given we live at other ends of the country and haven't been shopping together since we both left Tammy Girl in years when I was about 13, I'm not sure that would have happened whether I'd had a big or small wedding.
On the other hand, I do feel quite smug at how easy it all was and am very pleased at how small the dent in our bank balance was.

FrenchyQ · 12/07/2019 06:33

I felt exactly the same as you are feeling, felt pressured into having a wedding I wasn't happy with, church was booked etc.
DH brought me to my senses and we ended up at the registry office with 12 guests... It was so much nicer and less stressful and we had a great day.

FancyACarrot · 12/07/2019 06:44

Do it! (cancel it). I'd be the same, infact I'd elope!

katewhinesalot · 12/07/2019 06:46

If you don't feel strong enough to stand up to your overbearing family, will dh help take the blame and say that it's him that doesn't want it - or he tells them that you both don't want it.

Isatis · 12/07/2019 06:54

I can't see that you need another 10 months of this level of stress in your life. If I were you I'd cancel it, and tell the hen do organisers what you want in that respect.. If your family makes a fuss, just say quietly "It's my wedding, please don't force me into something I hate" and be prepared to walk away from any arguments about it.