To feel like cancelling my big wedding

[flamed12]

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

Well if he doesn’t want to cancel, can he take over planning?

Exactly. If he’s not willing to do any of the work he can’t really dictate what the wedding is like.

Could you compromise by having a much smaller R.O. wedding with no bridesmaids and using the venue just for a party/reception? Some people do this if they’ve married abroad.

Also @flamed12 might you be suffering from generalised anxiety and it’s manifesting itself as wedding anxiety and people pleasing?

In regards to the deposits, they can't actually keep them unless they can prove that they have spent that money and will lose it by you not being there. I.e. a cake maker having made the cake.
If the venue finds another wedding they need to refund you. This is consumer law and people forget about this in terms of deposits.
So actually, you probably haven't lost 3k :)

I was going to suggest a nice kind wedding planner too.

I do have anxiety and I deal with it ok day to day. I just cannot cope with the pressure of this. When everything is normal and I don’t think about it I’m fine. When I’m under stress or change my anxiety is high. I struggle a lot in my mind but I’m doing well because life is stable. Kids are out of the baby stage which caused massive anxiety. No changes planned just living life and I’m happy. Until I start thinking about this wedding and sometimes genuinely think I’d rather end the relationship than go ahead (I know that’s dramatic though)

We cancelled our big 150 guest wedding and had a tiny wedding with just close family. I was absolutely the right thing to do, never ever regretted not having a mega stressful and expensive day. Small and intimate was perfect for us.

I think you're overthinking it. Your sisters and brothers surely won't care what you do for your wedding? It's hardly about them, my sister will elope and I don't mind at all. Your mum may be a bit sad but you have sisters who can have big weddings. Also... surely your dad would be happy you're saving some money.

You do sound like a bit of an emotional doormat - grow some balls, tell them what you're doing ad if they're horrible about it just tell them they sound like right Hyacinth Buckets

OH & I have been together 11 years & haven't got married purely because of the stress in organising a wedding. We will have to do it eventually but very likely to just elope to get it done

Your last post sounds like you are in a bad place right now and not ready to carry on with this stressful and wasteful wedding.
In your place I would just cancel it, enjoy the relief for a few months, and discuss with your partner how you might arrange something much quieter at a later date.
Your family should have nothing to do with it. Don't tell them about any alternative plans until after they are fixed.

Whats the venue? Could you get married before in a small ceremony/registry office and then have the reception/party at the venue thats already booked?
Everyone will be busy eating/drinking/dancing and you can just have a relaxed evening without worrying about people staring at you etc

Be honest and talk to your partner.

If you decide to continue with the wedding planned, things can be adjusted to suit you, ie if you're getting married in a church, you could meet everyone outside before so there's less pressure of everyone seeing you for the first time walking down ailse. Photos can be as simple as you want. You don't need a top table, you can sit on round/square tables. Even your dress, can be what you want, doesn't have to be a big fancy thing but something simple.

Ask your partner to help, if won't, is he happy for someone else to support you?

Also, even if you have a big wedding, you don't need all the "elements".

You don't need flowers, a fancy car, a 2k dress, a cake, posh catering, a photographer, a hairdresser or makeup artist, a bridal party, paper invites etc. You can say no to all these things or DIY them.

I think you need to talk to your partner some more, in particular in relation to your feelings about your dad, who seems to want to make it all a big display of what a fantastic dad he is. Which he obviously isn't.

It's also very unfair that he expects you to spend your time and energy doing something that is making you unhappy in order to suit him. That doesn't sound like a loving supportive fiancé.

Not nice to suggest you are unhappy about thos because you are sleep deprived when its obviously the other way round. A bit close to dismissing your feelings. That's potentially worrying .

Do not have the wedding someone else wants in order to 'keep the peace'. People-pleasing never does have the desired effect, and nor is it likely to stop here. When it's not the wedding, it will be something else, and this can be a real problem once you have children.

It's your wedding; no one else's. They've had their wedding and their chance to do it their way; or will have, in the future, or can exercise their right not to marry at all. Now it's your turn.

I'd cancel.

I mentioned about pleasing my dad and that being the reason I pulled back from a small wedding when we spoke about it earlier in the year and he said “he’s not going to turn into Incredible Hulk if you did go ahead at that time but we both agreed it was best to go ahead with the big do so that’s what we should do”.

I said no but having his presence around me and being angry at me for not doing things his way affects me because he’s abusive. He said he’s not abusive!! I said not to me now but still to others (his wife). He makes me feel like I’m crazy but I know my feelings are valid and the thought of a big day to please someone I don’t even like makes me dislike myself, if that makes sense. I feel like unless I stand up for myself and do things my way not to please other people then I will end up hating myself.

Yes I do see what you mean. It makes perfect sense. And now is an excellent time to love yourself and stand up for yourself.

oh op you sound like you relapsed a bit from all this stres.and one stress can bring up so many others that trigger from it cant it.it brings up the wedding,your looks,the stress,not doing things on time,having time at all,your dad,the arguments,oh not listening or there,people planning things you dont want etc etc and it snowballs and when you have anxety this can see insurmountable!
but you can do this.and i mean in the sense of getting yourself back together and getting back in control.that might mean be outof control of how others see thing when YOU decide what you wnat and then just bloody going and doing it.your mental health is so much more important.go think sit,still,breathe.take ome really deep breathe 4 in.hold for 8.out for 7 calm right down and then do whateve ryou need to do.screw all others upset.if they love you they will get the hell over it.
in life especially when youve suffered with anxiety anything can trigger it that is stressful.so now prtoect and stick up for you and change things.

Sounds like your fiancé’s putting everyone ahead of you and excusing your Dad’s abusive behaviour towards other women?

Are you 100% sure about marrying him or is that another thing you feel you can’t pull out of?

OK, so you're dad is bully and you know that you have escaped thus far because you have avoided 'displeasing him'? So there is the root of all of this stress.

You need to decide what will make you feel less bitter in the long run:

1. Having the wedding your dad wants so you don't fall out, and everything carries on as it ever did.
2. Putting your foot down and having the wedding you want but (finally) having to face up to your dad being unpleasant because you are being defiant.

Neither is great, but I would go for Option 2. Your dad will have to come around and it might be an opportunity to resolve some of this stress between you, but you will never be able to turn the clock back and have the wedding you wanted without this stress that's making you sick.

In your shoes, i would take my dad aside and do the 'Daddy/Daughter' thing. "I know you love me, I know you want me to have a big amazing day, but it's not making me happy - it's making me ill. I need your support so I can back-peddle and do it how I want it. Please can you get behind my decision and help me undo this mess?"

Let him feel like he is part of the solution rather than the problem. I suspect your partner will be on board if your dad is....

Oh I’m so sorry your DH wasn’t supportive. He really isn’t listening properly, it sounds like he just sees you bringing it up again as another swing in a pattern of see-sawing.
I’d give it one last go when he comes back. Say you want to talk about the wedding, lay down all the reasons you don’t want it, apologise for not coming clean before and for prevaricating, but finish by saying you definitely don’t want the big wedding and that the £3,000 will spiral to a much greater amount and it is sunk costs.
Your dad does sound abusive. And my money would be on this “paying towards it” being kept vague and weaponised, and he’ll end up paying for one single element e.g wine and welcome drink, and being a controlling vicious twat about it.
CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL
If DH won’t give in, and you aren’t prepared to cancel unilaterally, just hand over responsibility for it and tell him that in that case, you’ll take care of your dress, but let him work with both your families and have free rein, and to keep you out of it. Say on that basis, he can have what he likes, the only bit you are bothered about is marrying the man you love.

• Oh and by the way, I had the same thing with my first wedding but at least they paid for most of it. Neither my ex nor I enjoyed anything but the vows, it was ghastly, it was my mum’s day and didn’t she play it.

My second wedding we had 9 people and total control and we and our guests had an amazing time!

I would taker yourself, your DP and your DC to Vegas or somesuch and get married there. Seriously.

Ask yourself and ask him: which is more important, getting married or being married.

The only 2 people that really matter in the decision are you and your future DH. If he wants a small wedding too.... go for it.
If he doesn't, a bit more discussion and compromise is required but it is still about the two of you.
A wedding is the start of your marriage. People get so wrapped up in making a perfect day that they forget it isn't about a fancy party, it's about building a life together and if the organising is making you stressed (which could put a strain on your relationship) then why do it?

Flamed, your feelings are valid. Do you think katemandme has a point? Now is anyway a time of big upheaval and stress - make it upheaval and stress to get to a better place in relation to all the bullies in your life. You have the measure of your dad and yourself I think.

You Are Not Getting Married To Please Your Dad!!!!

I would normally recommend that women who have children or intend to have children would be better off being married for financial security. But not being married seems to work for you at the moment, so, you know, you don't actually have to get married at all.

Children witnessing or growing up in an environment of domestic violence is a form of child abuse in itself. Your father therefore abused you as well as your mother and his partner, and it sounds like he’s still emotionally abusive now.

I think it’s very worrying that your DP is minimising this. I would guess that your father’s abuse is what’s at the root of your anxiety, and having a partner who doesn’t get this - who actively denies this - will not be helping your anxiety either.

What is your relationship with your DP like in general? Do you feel supported by him, listened to? Or is he always this quick to dismiss your feelings, concerns and needs?