To feel like cancelling my big wedding

[flamed12]

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

I've seen your update about your Dad having a history of being violent, and also being a nasty drunk.

Definitely cancel. Why is he even invited anyway? Get married on the quiet in a registry office. Have a pub or restaurant table booked for afterwards with just the people you want to have with you.

You need to have the wedding YOU want.

The big wedding you describe would be my idea of hell, so I completely understand. I wanted to BE married.. I just didn't want to GET married.

Why don't you and your fiance go and get married quietly and then come back and cancel the wedding but keep the reception. Then there's no first dance/bouquet throwing. Your Dad can still make a speech and everyone has a great time (including you!)

Congratulations and remember whatever you decide, it should be YOU who decides.. not your family or his family or anyone else who wants to live vicariously through you.

Send everyone the same message. "We've realised that the wedding has got out of control - it's become the wedding other people want rather than the one we want. What's been planned would make us unhappy. We don't want a big wedding. What we want is a hen/stag night in our local town, having a meal and a few drinks, and a wedding at the registry office, followed by a meal. We've cancelled the original wedding and now it's on (date) at (place) at (time) and you're welcome to come."

Keep the photographer but tell her it's scaled down.

Better to lose £3000 now than spend thousands more on something you won't enjoy. Cancel it now, save yourself the stress and have the day you want. It's not about anybody else but you, don't look back on your wedding and have no fond memories; wishing you'd done it differently.

Life is short, you should be looking forward to your wedding day, not dreading it. I feel for you.

Ok - stop worrying, you don't need to pick colours or any of that stuff from bridal planners!

The venue will sort everything, you don't need table decorations even, yes you need a dress remove from your list all the irrelevant rubbish that people have, I organised mine in 2 months, it really isn't hard

Cancel now. Weddings these days are nastily over commercialised. It's all about forcing the maximum money out of you for stupid unneccessary tat like 'table favours'. Have the low key wedding you want.

Yes, go and have the quiet wedding you want.

Parents/in laws who have a strop about you not having the wedding they wanted, are the sort who will have a strop anyway, and soon find something else to grumble about.

You don't need this stress. Just get the first available slot at the registry office with your mum and dp's parents. Don't whatever you do tell people what the plan is. If anyone asks say that the big day is postponed indefinitely as it is too stressful.

After you're safely and quietly married you can tell people when you want to. You could always invite people to a party in a year's time and tell them at the party that you're celebrating your first anniversary.

I had a small intimate wedding, no hen gathering and it was wonderful!
I didn’t feel stressed or worried at all about any of it.

You need to start married life as you mean to go on. A life that you enjoy and get the most out of.

Your father can still deliver his speech.
You can still have a photographer if you want one.

Given it is still ten months away, you can also ask the venue about a refund if they sell the date. Seems fair enough to at least ask.

Choose what YOU and your husband to be want.

You could always have a small wedding ceremony and dinner earlier in the year, and keep the venue date (and deposit) for a party for your family if you wanted to? If they truly love and care for you, they won’t mind one bit either way as long as you are happy.

Once decided, why not ask someone you trust to ring around, or send an email being very matter of fact. Change of plan thanks for your understanding.

It’s your life op!

Op I was the same as you. I was so stressed and didn’t realise it. I ended up with stress induced eczema on my hands and arms that got so bad I couldn’t work for a little while an had to wear gloves to make a sandwich.
I had 40 guest so not a big wedding but in hindsight still bigger than I should have had.
I hated being the centre of attention.

Do what you want to do. Why spends thousands on something you don’t want to please everyone else.

If I were you I wouldn't do a "the big wedding is OFF" announcement. I'd just casually mention that you're changing some of the arrangements you've made because you realised you'd prefer something on a smaller scale. If anyone kicks up a fuss, tell them what you've told us - that it was stessing you out and making you feel sad instead of happiness. Turn their manipulations around on them "You wouldn't want me to suffer from anxiety for months just to please YOU, would you?"

If you want to cancel it, do it. I did and it was the best decision we made. I really thought I wanted a big fancy floofy wedding, but 3 months before I realised I didn't. The anxiety of it all was making me physically ill, my family were so pressurising and it was awful. Also our DS had just been diagnosed with ASD and I knew he'd be miserable all day and that was getting me down too. We lost the vast majority of our money as it was so close to the date but we didn't care. The money was gone anyway, it's not like we were expecting it back. We went to the registry office a month before our original wedding date, with ten friends/family, had a meal at our favourite restaurant afterwards and my mum booked us a night at a hotel in the city centre. It was perfect.
If you are unhappy OP, change it and make yourself happy. Don't make other people happy. It yours and your partners wedding, no one elses.

Rather than cancelling it completely, you could just have a party? Totally unrelated to your upcoming small registry office wedding

But I agree with everyone else, I think cancel it. You aren't going to wake up one morning and suddenly want a huge white wedding, so end this madness now.

I'm currently planning a big (not white) wedding but I'm not stressed or panicky about it, it all feels fine and quite fun - which makes me think it is the right thing for us, but the way you are feeling makes it sound pretty clear cut that it's not for you!
Do what you want, it is important!

Also, is it worth seeing a counsellor for the stuff with your dad? He is a bully, and he's emotionally manipulating you. You might need some help to build the strength to deal with him and the fall out of the wedding stuff?

If you have a big wedding to please other people, you will end up resenting them. In the end this will have a worse effect on your relationship than putting a stop to this now.

Just imagine - you could just cancel the big wedding today and all the worry would be gone! How good would that feel?

And when does the people pleasing stop? There are hundreds of decisions to be made before the wedding. Are you going to have to battle and then give in whenever your family disagree with your choices?

Like you, I found the thought of a big wedding overwhelming. We just went to Vegas. My mum was gutted, but honestly we would have had loads more rows in the run up to a proper wedding. She's normal5a lovely and rational person but she still annoyed at my brother for not inviting one of her friends to his wedding 14 years ago

Ultimately though it’s the thought of being centre stage. The thought of walking down the aisle. Talking in front of everybody saying my vows. Talking to everyone and socialising. Dancing in front of everyone. It’s filling me with absolute dread.
I felt exactly the same and in the end opted for a registry office whilst on holiday in Devon with my step-children. We got a witness via Gumtree and had a lovely lunch at a fabulous bistro.
My PILs arranged a family celebration when we got back to Yorkshire and my Mum arranged one in Scotland a couple of months later. We gave everyone a photo of us in a nice frame.
The main thing is to work out what you want, then work out the best way of getting the families to support it, that way there's no pressure or potential disappointment in the run up to the event. Our parents were initially excited about us having a big do, but came round once we explained / sold it lol
Best of luck!

Dear family, we're scaling back our wedding plans and would love you to attend our small celebration at xxx on xxx at xxx time. RSVP.

Done!

It’s your wedding not your families. I opted for registry office and family dinner afterwards, no evening do (we went for a meal alone instead), we had about 20 people attend who were close family and a couple friends. It was pretty much stress free.

My brother's wife called off their wedding a couple of months before and it was because of the pressure.

They cancelled everything and started again from scratch and had a smaller wedding.

You do what makes you happy op!

I got married in Jamaica in 2004 for 2 grand all in, only 7 people at my wedding.

Seriously dont do it.....

DH wanted a tiny wedding - I wanted my parents ...it spiralled to 40 people (not huge to many but was for me) I didnt have bridesmaids or anything like that it was pretty simple in wedding terms - howver the stress of organising it was massive (and i organise stuff for a living but for some reason ....I hated being centre of attention too after about 3 minutes got some nice oohs on my dress and cimpliments ...then hated it...
It wasnt my family that expanded more self pressure ....

See it as a step into adulthood that you can actually say NO I dont want that ... or ' We want it like this' to everyone -

if its your parents they've had their wedding this is yours......if they want to have another big do with lots of stuff - they can .....

it will help when you have DC as well .......as there will always be someone with a view and if you have got into the habit of 'we/i want to do it this way.... makes life much easier :)

Good LUCK and go for what you want.....

If you are normally the "quiet" type ,then I can see how you feel stressed out just thinking about it TBH!. By all means cancel if you feel unhappy about it .But it is only one day of your life to look back on and remember ,Our friend had a typical 60s wedding with hat, trouser suit at a registry office and regretted it later on (although happliy married!).My point is just to think carefully, and most weddings will be stressful but people manage .If you cancel and go for a smaller one ( and you have every right to do so) then you may be stressed if other people show their disappointment!.

What have you got booked already? Any way you can scale down without losing ££?

PS we didn't want a 1st dance,. Didn't have one, dh didn't make a speech, cutting the cake is pretty OK, takes a couple of mins and it's over. So you can still remove the bits that worry you.

Just cancel it.

What this throws up is that I think you need treatment for anxiety. You need to work on strengthening your sense of self so that you can stand up for yourself rather than kowtowing to everyone around you.

In my parent’s culture; they have the wedding, then a homecoming after the honeymoon to welcome the bride to the groom’s home.
Could you not have a small wedding you want and your honeymoon, then use the money already paid for the Venue to basically have a party, so there will be no bridesmaids etc. Your dad gets to give his speech etc. Just have lots of tables; no top table.
have a pay bar and a buffet. Get your dad to pay the rest if he’s that keen. Just wear a normal party dress

Both my DBro & DSis had family only ceremonies (one Church, one registry office) then a very informal house party afterwards. In fact my DBro had the registry office on the Wednesday, then on the Saturday had a non-religious ceremony elsewhere followed by the party. A friend recently did similar - Wedding during the week with very close family & friends, non-religious ceremony & big party at the weekend.

All 3 were exactly what they wanted, and avoided the massive cost & stress of a "traditional" wedding

I feel stressed just reading your posts!
I felt exactly the same as you about being centre of attention etc - I got married in a lovely country inn with 15 guests and the planning and day was so relaxed and enjoyable, I honestly don't remember being remotely stressed at any point. No hen do, no first dance, no pressure - just a sweet ceremony and amazing food - I loved every second.
Cancel the big wedding, figure out what you'd really like, and do that! Your family have had their own wedding days, this isn't about them.