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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like cancelling my big wedding

202 replies

flamed12 · 12/07/2019 00:34

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 12/07/2019 09:44

Cancel it
CANCEL THE WEDDING.
Get married asap v quietly then your dad and the bridesmaid you don't can't try to guilt you changing your mind

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 12/07/2019 09:44

Seriously, put your foot down. The wedding industry is a pisstake. I'm having a registry office then garden party at my parents, and the amount of suppliers that have tried to make me feel small with comments like:

"Are you having a planner?"
"Have you got a florist?"
"Do you have a makeup artist?"
"Oh you can't have a friend do your cake, they might use cheap margarine, you should get my ripoff catering business to do your cake"
etc etc (big fat NO to all of the above!)

I'm doing my own makeup, going in a relative's car, picking flowers from garden, mum made the dress, hog roast, etc. It's YOUR wedding and you do not need to bow down to what your family want or what society says that "bridezillas" should want (and ends up costing 30k).

It's better to bin 3k now than to spend another 10k and regret it.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 12/07/2019 09:46

Oh and put your foot down to your friend too. I made it VERY clear the hen do was to be one day only. We're doing Laserquest, lunch then Bongo Bingo. Say no to the ridiculous 4 days abroad that seems to be the norm nowadays, if you don't want that.

Tell your friends if they want a 4 day holiday they can book one for themselves.

Nomorechickens · 12/07/2019 09:48

Cancel the venue (in writing).
Don't tell anyone till you have arranged an alternative. ASAP so no time for people to argue about it.
Book the registry office and meal the way you want it. Then invite the people you want to attend. Nobody else.
Then inform everyone that the big do is cancelled. Send out letters or printed cards to avoid the need for personalised messages. If they are not invited to the smaller do, no need to tell them the date or place.
Can you do the registry office with 20 or less and invite the aunts and uncles to the meal? No need for lots of speeches if you don't want them, just one person to say a few words. You don't have to invite your dad.

Branleuse · 12/07/2019 09:49

I cancelled my wedding as I was having constant mini breakdowns over the planning. It was actually affecting the relationship. We decided to cancel it all, and it was such a relief. We still went on the honeymoon though

Shufflebumnessie · 12/07/2019 09:50

We started planning a big wedding as that was what I'd always wanted! As we started the planning i realised i didn't want all the stress and expense, then DH Grandma said she wouldn't be coming (nothing personal, just at 90 she felt it would be too much). We ditched the original plans, went for a small wedding and spent some of the money we saved on an amazing honeymoon instead.
Do what feels right for you. It's a special day for you and your partner, make sure you plan it so that you actually enjoy it. Don't pla a day to please others, you'll end up resenting it (& possibly them!!).

StellarLunar · 12/07/2019 09:55

Cancel the wedding. What you wrote above as your ideal - do that. If your family Care about you they'll

twoshedsjackson · 12/07/2019 09:56

I've mentioned this before, but my uncle had a similar problem, many years ago; in that case, it was his DM in full Hyacinth Bucket mode, and he and his intended. They were both mature students at art college. They checked into the local registry office with two close student friends as witnesses, tied the knot, cup of tea and a bun at Joe Lyons, back to college for afternoon lectures. He bottled out of telling his Mum for nearly a month......a bit extreme, but a long and happy marriage ensued.
My friend's teacher went one better; took morning registration as Miss A, then at afternoon registration told the girls that she was now Mrs B, so they were, from now on, in Form IV B.
In both cases, they were clear that it was the rest of their lives which mattered, and that was where they were channelling their energies, and it sounds as if you have no doubt that you are with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
One of my college friends had a huge dispute with future MiL about not wanting a big church wedding; it turned out that the reason for the big occasion was to dress younger sibling of DP as a bridesmaid.
It's what makes you and your DP happy which matters, and your father can find another venue for his ego trip.

StellarLunar · 12/07/2019 09:57

Sorry, posted you soon!
If your family care about you they'll be happy. If they care more about the wedding then feck them.
You will seriously regret having "the happiest day of your life" made miserable but doing what others want.

You do you

wellbuggerme · 12/07/2019 10:02

cancel the wedding. start again and do it how you and dp want it.

tell the interfering lot minimal about it after youve booked the stuff you want. theyll huff and puff. they `ll get over it.

GinkPin · 12/07/2019 10:02

This is 'Your Day' and right now, you are doing something that doesn't suit or please either of you - madness.

Dear Guest

We have decided we would PREFER a smaller celebration so hope you will still be free to join us for a celebratory dinner at XXXX .

Love Bride and Groom.

FreeFreesia · 12/07/2019 10:05

Have the wedding that you and your partner want.

If chunk of the £3000 is a hotel/venue you could see if they have a smaller room you could have instead or on another date. Moving the date to a Friday would reduce numbers Wink.

GinkPin · 12/07/2019 10:05

Also - it's your parents that are causing the anxiety - wehther you recognise it or not, you are almost certainly stressing in two areas: The idea of the wedding vs the thought of taking away 'their' special day.

It's not their day, it's yours.

Tell them that you understand that will feel a bit disappointed and you considered going through with it to please them, but it's making you feel ill with dread, so you are scaling back. And then, do not move from this position. Just keep repeating "I don't want to dread my wedding". They will get it in the end.

wellbuggerme · 12/07/2019 10:06

just elope!

honestly it cuts out a lot of crap!

serenoa · 12/07/2019 10:14

If you tell them it's going to be a Registry Office wedding ten months out, you'll be getting months of pressure to change your mind. Out of the frying pan, into the fire, and you probably still won't enjoy the day after that.

Definitely elope, and have a party when you come back. Once people have got over the surprise, they'll soon stop whinging about your choice.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 10:16

Spoke to partner and he isn’t supportive. Thinks we should just go ahead with the big day as we’ve been through this before and it’s not going to work number wise on his side as he doesn’t want to leave anyone out.

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 12/07/2019 10:23

Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it.

Er ... it's not their wedding. It's yours.
As your partner doesn't want a big wedding either I cannot imagine why you are looking to please other people instead of each other.

As to the losing £3k - don't pressure yourself with 'sunken costs' fallacy. OK so that money's gone - & will be gone whether you plough ahead with an event you don't want to do or not, so forget that, & concentrate on how much more you'll be saving by pulling out now.

Then have the simple ceremony you AND YOU PARTNER WANT, & enjoy the cash you save by not continuing the big plans - as well as not having to plan some showcase for everybody's else's benefit.

BarbedBloom · 12/07/2019 10:25

I hate being centre of attention too. If you are going ahead with the big wedding just adapt it. Don't have a first dance, we didn't and no one cared at all. We had our back to everyone so saying our vows was actually fine.

Tell people you want a local hen do and won't be going abroad. I didn't even have a hen do as I didn't want one. Fire the bridesmaid if you don't get on with her.

There are traditional elements to a wedding but it doesn't mean you have to include them all. For example you could have a sweetheart table so when your dad does a speech, everyone will be looking at him rather than you.

It is your wedding so you and your fiance should have what you want. But honestly, on the day I was so happy I didn't care that people were looking at me and I am a huge introvert.

Megan2018 · 12/07/2019 10:26

We got married on our own, no guests at all. It was perfect. No hen either.

There's no way on this earth I'd want a big wedding, or any wedding at all that involved other people! Family haven't quite got over it 6 years on - but that's tough.

RasberryRoyale · 12/07/2019 10:30

I was in your position when I got married. Due to have a wedding with 200 guests. I was getting told who I should have in my bridal party and my in laws were throwing massive fits as they wanted everyone and their dog there -seriously - people my DH had never met. The venue were incredibly unhelpful and uncompromising and insisted we needed things we didn’t want that cost a lot of money.

We cancelled it, booked a smaller, more intimate venue with the nicest wedding planner and cut the numbers drastically to the people we wanted there first and foremost -close family and friends (as opposed to the huge circus the original wedding was becoming)

Even though it did cause some fall out we both agree we wouldn’t change it. We spent our wedding day with our nearest and dearest. We are both glad we realised we were bowing to external pressure to have a great big family party when actually we are both very shy and big parties are not our thing. Like you, op I hated the idea of being the centre of attention.

This is your wedding day, not anyone else’s. You and your DH will only get the one and why spend a fortune knowing you aren’t even happy with it before it goes ahead?

RosaWaiting · 12/07/2019 10:31

Well if he doesn’t want to cancel, can he take over planning?

AquaPris · 12/07/2019 10:34

@Torridon19 she's obviously saying that she is the idiot not her partner. Hence the full stop, and the depreciating emoji

Drum2018 · 12/07/2019 10:40

You want to be married. You don't want the big drama and hassle of a wedding. Get yourself and your partner off to the registry office and that's it, you're married. You are not answerable to your family or friends. Their opinions don't matter when it's nothing to do with them - it's you and Dp getting married, not your entire family. You really need to get Dp on board and do what keeps you sane. Otherwise if he really wants the 'big day' hand over the entire organisation of the wedding to him - I'd say he'd quickly come round to the idea of the registry office then.

lululatetotheparty · 12/07/2019 10:42

Part of getting married is learning to put your foot down and establishing yourself as an adult with a new family who will take priority (of course you don't need to get married to do this but it does flag up when you aren't doing it!). Part of your family's experience of this is letting go of you... however painful that might be.

You really need to do exactly what YOU and your partner want... if you allow your family's expectations to supersede your own now, if and when you have children you will be posting here about your family and all these unresolved issues.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/07/2019 10:46

Yeah I’ll try it although he has taken zero interest In planning up til this stage. He wouldn’t know where to start I suspect. He works sooo much that he would t have time either.

He thinks I’m sleep deprived and basically being dramatic. He goes away for work on Sunday so the conversation will be halted until he’s back I guess. We need to actually plan stuff if the big wedding is going ahead. Like a dress for me. I have no idea what I’d want and don’t really have the childcare to go looking (or inclination to right now). This all makes me panicky. If it’s going ahead I just want it planned. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

OP posts: