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Original poster

To feel like cancelling my big wedding

202 replies

flamed12 · 12/07/2019 00:34

Honestly I can’t handle the stress of planning never mind the stress of being the centre of attention. I can’t do it. Every time I think about planning something I can’t sleep for days with stress. I do not want a big wedding.

It’s 10 months away.

I would cancel and have a registry office then dinner. Suggested it months ago to family who hated the idea and I felt like I couldn’t do it. So just went along. Honestly I’m over it now and I am lying awake worrying about it and i know I don’t want it.

We would loose about £3,000.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Thatnovembernight · 12/07/2019 06:57

If it were me I’d cancel it and send out a generic message that we’d decided to postpone the wedding indefinitely (so that there are no expectations). Then I’d quietly plan and book something small and tell everyone literally a week or two before and make it seem like it was all just decided (so there’s no time for hen do etc). If they don’t like it then they don’t need to turn up.

Nothingmuch · 12/07/2019 06:58

I’d tell the ones who are pressurising you into this big wedding, that they can organise everything themselves and leave you out of it. They are the ones that want it, so they can sort it. You just turn up on the day.

Nothingmuch · 12/07/2019 07:02

Or just post phone the reception venue and reorganise a smaller less flamboyant reception there. Do you have a friend who’s on your side to help you ?

ahumanfemale · 12/07/2019 07:05

If your sisters are upset at you not having a big wedding, no problem, they can have a big one for theirs (or already had one).

If your father is upset, well, tonight titties - he's already had a wedding day and gone on to break whatever vows were said by beating his wife and no doubt being emotionally abusive too.

Anybody who has a negative reaction to how you choose to celebrate your relationship is selfish.

I'd honestly consider telling people it's off and whoever has a bad reaction is not invited to whatever you choose to do instead - you don't want anybody there who isn't happy to be there and happy for you.

Sonicknuckles · 12/07/2019 07:12

You need to start telling your friends and family the truth about how you feel. It's up to you! It's your wedding and hen do. You'll end up regretting it. If they love you surely they will understand. Yes they might be a bit disappointed but they will get over it.

scubadive · 12/07/2019 07:21

Hi op, you should definitely change plans. Why have you lost £3k. If this is a deposit, venue should agree to repay your f they re sell the date and with 10months there’s a good chance.

Why not ‘postpone’ the wedding due to partners work commitments or some other excuse and then rearrange another time as you would like. Venue not available for new date so you’ve had a rethink and decided on a much smaller wedding etc..

Herocomplex · 12/07/2019 07:21

I went along with what other people wanted, spent most of the days leading up in a foul temper and a lot of the day trying not to cry. I felt very self conscious and not really myself at all.
Stop the madness, have the day you really want with the people you love and who love you.

Ragwort · 12/07/2019 07:21

Agree with everyone else, cancel it. Weddings aren’t meant to be this stressful.

Your dad sounds overbearing, wanting his ‘own way’ about the occasion.

clucky3 · 12/07/2019 07:23

Anybody who has a negative reaction to how you choose to celebrate your relationship is selfish.

Remember this OP. It's not about them. It's nothing to do with anyone but you and your partner.

QuaterMiss · 12/07/2019 07:23

Think of getting married as the start of a new phase in your life. Beginning with a more assertive relationship with your family, friends and not-friends who you’re currently inviting to take part in an horrendous shindig that you don’t even want.

Please cancel it all. It’s making you ill - and so confused that you still think you need to go ahead. Don’t! You honestly do not need to discuss this with anyone you are not planning to marry. Everyone else is entirely free to arrange their own fancy wedding for themselves if they’re so desperate to attend one. I’m sure you’re hoping to be married only once? You have a right to choose the day you and your partner really want.

Nagsnovalballs · 12/07/2019 07:24

Stuff your dad. He is a bully.

He also doesn’t love you properly If he doesn’t support your decisions. ITS fine for family to be disappointed but they should be willing to support you, like your mum and sisters would. My mum was disappointed not to walk me down the aisle as I wanted to walk in with my partner for nervousness - and feminist reasons. But she got over it!

He just wants to show off and make it about him. Who cares about him? My dad is the same so I didn’t even invite him. It was great! And I finally showed him what I thought of his shite parenting.

Loveislandaddict · 12/07/2019 07:27

Elope!

MissMogwai · 12/07/2019 07:29

That sounds really stressful. What's the point? It's your and your DP's day so everyone else can sod off.

Call the venue and see what they say? You may well get some of your deposit back.

I'm getting married next May. I'm having a late ceremony at a lovely registery office with just family and close friends and a large party afterwards. It's just perfect and what we want. Low key but still has the bits we want and still costing a fair bit!

A couple of family members have pulled a face as no church, or formal wedding breakfast and this and that, but frankly I'm not arsed. It's not their wedding!

BeanBag7 · 12/07/2019 07:29

Cancel the big wedding. You'll lose £3k but how much would you save overall by having a smaller wedding?

You and your husband both want it. Most of your family will be fine with it. Sounds like only your dad who is bothered; it's not his wedding!

Also tell your bridesmaid that now you're only having a small wedding you have decided not to have a bridal party. If you dont like her anyway I wouldnt worry about hurting her feelings. If she gets angry, great, that's one less person to invite.

As for the hen do. Tell them you dont want a surprise or if they really want to make it a surprise you need to know the dates and be confirmed that its local. If they let you know the dates and ots more than one night you can deal with that.

hannah1992 · 12/07/2019 07:31

My wedding day went like this. Church for 1:30 ceremony finished 2:15. Photos. Hired our local pub function room for reception/night do. They also did all the seat coverings tables etc. Was there for 3pm. Buffet already out. From 6pm guests were given a meal ticket and a menu for a hot meal if they wanted it. They could go and order what they wanted. I didnt write a playlist, I did a joke box DJ basically everyone wrote their fave songs on a piece of card and out it in a box on the way in and the DJ played those - something for everyone then. The only seating plan I had was the top table everyone just sat wherever and with whoever they wanted.

I literally had to book the church, book the venue, sort mine and bridesmaids dresses and pick a cake. No stress, guest orientated and everyone had a blast.

Mil wasnt thrilled with the arrangement. She wanted formal etc. I told her it wasnt her getting married and she didnt have to come if she didnt want to. Not another word was said

Lindy2 · 12/07/2019 07:31

In the nicest possible way you need to grow a backbone and start to take control.
Can you scale down what you've already booked. i.e. if your venue is a hotel can you use a smaller function room and have a catered sit down meal for a much smaller number of guests in there after the ceremony?
Cancel the band of you are going to just do a meal.
You can still make this your and your partner's wedding and do it how you want but you need to lead the way on this and stand firm.

cloudyinjune · 12/07/2019 07:32

Oh gosh, I didn't want a big wedding and I think a small wedding brings drama with numbers and I just wanted us there
So we got married with 2 witnesses, I told family, it is not about them
Nobody made a comment. Honestly, people are fed up of attending weddings so I think they are relieved when you have a tiny one.
I guess for me it was more important that we started our marriage happy than what others thought. Zero regrets.

PooWillyBumBum · 12/07/2019 07:34

I cancelled mine and did a registry do. Think I lost a few hundred but we were well over a year out. Saved many more thousands though, knocked it off the mortgage and are now very happy with no regrets.

JFDI

SallyWD · 12/07/2019 07:35

We had a tiny wedding - just is and witnesses at a registry office. No regrets at all! I couldn't have handled a big wedding. I would have wanted to ground to open up and swallow me.

Cookit · 12/07/2019 07:41

You could ask the photographer if she would still cover the small wedding?

If you want a small wedding and your partner wants a small wedding the only thing to do is have a small wedding.

Magic32019 · 12/07/2019 07:45

When me and my husband got engaged we had decided on a wedding abroad something fancy but my family become really angry about our plans weren't for them it caused so many arguments between us we said fine we won't get married and for years we didn't. After our little one was born I was concerned about not legally being each others next of kin so i planned a secret no family invited wedding in a different county. I had my daughter there two people who we didn't know as witnesses and it was so stress free it was just about us our love our commitment.
My family accepted it and were happy my husband family not so much but I do it again I didn't want to please other people by having a wedding for them and not us. Good luck I hope you can arrange the happy wedding you want x

Topseyt · 12/07/2019 07:46

OP, I did actually end up with a fairly big wedding, though it was all done according to our plans. I must admit that while I did enjoy it, I wouldn't necessarily recommend it and wouldn't do it now. I'd elope instead.

I had a nice three week honeymoon around the Far East to get over it afterwards though. That helped.

It was the hen do that I kicked into the long grass and refused. I hate that sort of a party and wanted nothing whatsoever to do with one.

SinkGirl · 12/07/2019 07:53

OP, what’s the venue like? Could you just have a smaller wedding there?

LittleAndOften · 12/07/2019 08:00

If its causing you this much stress please cancel. It sounds like you know this is the right way forward. Don't let your fears dictate what happens.

I had a small wedding with 20 people at a relaxed venue with a bbq afterwards. It was so special. Like you I was afraid of the centre of attention thing, but this was more like a fun family gathering.

I didn't have a hen do, a group of friends surprised me and took me to an 'escape the room' then we had fish and chips on the beach Grin

Your wedding is yours. Take it back!

MollyButton · 12/07/2019 08:04

Why don't you and your Fiance just get married NOW. Just do a quicky pop down to the registry office and get it done. Then you have all the legal security and no one can make you have the big wedding they want.
You can throw them a party if you want - but they can't brow beat you into something you don't want.