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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and a bit grabby?

211 replies

BrightLightsAndSound · 13/09/2018 22:32

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me Grin

OP posts:
Poisongirl81 · 13/09/2018 22:34

my dad helped me....depends on wealth I guess

worknamechanged · 13/09/2018 22:36

I’m NC with both parents, so I know they’ll never give me a deposit. I’m jealous of friends who seem to get a lot of financial support, but there will be other things that I have it easier in, so I try to just take the rough with the smooth.

stopgap · 13/09/2018 22:37

I grew up working class, but am now well off. Certainly when they’re in high school I expect my sons to get jobs. I do want to help them out when they’re older, but I want to set limits. I don’t yet know what those limits might look like, but I do know that I don’t want my sons to be trust fund babies with no ambition or social conscience.

Thatstheendofmytether · 13/09/2018 22:37

Yup I agree OP,I met a girl once who was handed a check door 120 grand for her 18th which she used to buy a house outright. I mean ffs!
If o had the money (I never will unfotunately) I would give my dc help with that kind of thing to ensure they had a stable home.

delilahbucket · 13/09/2018 22:39

I have not received financial support from either of my parents, not even a pot when I left home. Unlike my three siblings, especially the youngest. It annoys me no end, but I'm doing ok and I can say everything I have I got myself.

Popc0rn · 13/09/2018 22:41

It doesn't always depend on wealth in my experience, it's attitudes towards money. Some of my friends parents are very comfortable financially, yet haven't offered their kids help with house deposits etc. Whereas I know of other parents who aren't as comfortable have been saving for years to help their kids out with education costs and house deposits.

JAMMFYesPlease · 13/09/2018 22:46

Never received that sort of financial help but have received some. Friends have but I've never felt jealous of them. I'm happy they've had parents who can afford it. My parents have supported and helped me in other ways, like coming to stay with me for a few days when DH was working away after DD1 was born and I was struggling to cope on my own. I didn't ask but they knew I needed them and have never expected anything in return.

We are saving for our girls' college costs because college is ridiculously expensive where we are (not the uk). If they choose not to go to college then the money can be used for a house deposit. But that's because we are in a better financial position than my parents ever were. We are still teaching them the value of money and they don't know about the money we are saving for them.

Troels · 13/09/2018 22:47

We had no help at all. We have helped by contributing to Ds's house downpayment nothing flashy or expensive, and will do the same for the others.
Dh has also helped renovate the house, new bathroom, paint, paper, garden etc, we do what we can.

JAMMFYesPlease · 13/09/2018 22:48

But to answer your question, I do think it's a bit grabby to expect something like that financially from parents.

user764329056 · 13/09/2018 22:52

I gave daughter and son in law 80k to get on housing ladder, I sold up and downsized and would do it again in a heartbeat, don’t understand parents who can help but choose not to

Longdistance · 13/09/2018 22:54

I got the deposit for my first house together, on my own. My dm bought me a washing machine and fridge.
Then df bought me a bed, sofa, dining table and chairs as a gift as I proved myself by buying my first house.
Yanbu for some help, but it does depend on their finances.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 13/09/2018 22:55

From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Do you know how much your parents had to pay for uni? Or how much their first house was and how much of a deposit they had to put down? My parents lived in the era of grants for university, and 100% mortgages on a house for £70k which is now worth close to £300k.

We live in very different times from our parents generation. Many people (happy to admit myself included!) literally couldn't manage things like a house deposit without help, or without saving until I was 30. If parents can help and want to, then I see absolutely no issue with it.

Creeper8 · 13/09/2018 22:57

Neither of my parents help me financially.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 13/09/2018 22:59

To clarify - I am incredibly grateful for the help I have been given. My point was more that it is unrealistic to compare finances now (especially uni and housing) with our parents generation.

SassitudeandSparkle · 13/09/2018 23:00

No help here, parents didn't have the money to give away!

OwlinaTree · 13/09/2018 23:04

It seems a bit daft to me to say, 'well we never had any help so we are not giving you any help,' they don't sound very caring to just stick to that as a principle.

My mum didn't have much spare cash when we were younger being a single mum, so we didn't have fancy holidays or nice bikes, driving lessons or expensive hobbies and things. She's in a much better position now and had helped us out with cash where she can and when it's needed. We can manage on our own, but she likes to help and make life a bit easier for us, she knows it's nice to have a bit more money for things when you've got young children.

It seems strange to have the opinion that it's better to struggle, or that children won't know the value of money if you give them some help with a deposit!

JustlikeDevon · 13/09/2018 23:04

My dp can't afford to do anything like that. But that's ok because I got so much from them in other ways and it does not bother me in the slightest. My dp are ace and I am supremely grateful for the things I got.

BritInUS1 · 13/09/2018 23:06

Yes it's a bit grabby. Lovely if your parents want to give you a gift to help you out but it certainly shouldn't be expected.

Skittlesandbeer · 13/09/2018 23:07

Each to their own, for mine. I try not to compare my family situation to others. It’s just wasted energy.

I come from wealthy family, and was helped to buy my first unit. I was also expected to sublet it to borders during my university years, to pay the mortgage. The theory was that this strategy would get me on the property ladder, and teach me financial responsibility at the same time. Which it did.

I’ve also seen money used as a tool of control over adult kids. So you can’t make assumptions from the outside about how ‘lucky’ these kids are. Maybe in their position you’d choose to take the money with the strings attached, maybe you wouldn’t. It’s hard to say no to money, even when you know it’s messing with your mental health (forever) to take it.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/09/2018 23:07

I appreciate that some people's parents really don't have anything to give, but I am a bit unimpressed with parents of adult children who are more than comfortable yet still hold on to the attitude that they worked for what they have and their children should not expect anything at all. Because the world has changed. Wages have been static for a long time and housing costs have gone through the roof. There are an awful lot of young and youngish adults working very, very hard just to pay a high rent on a shared flat: it's not that they are spending too much money on avocado butties. If you have adult children who are struggling financially, it's generally not because they are lazy or irresponsible, it's a matter of rocketing economic inequality.

Rebecca36 · 13/09/2018 23:07

I would certainly help mine. Husband and I didn't receive financial help to buy our first house and it was a struggle so I wouldn't want any child of mine to have that worry.

Yes people have to do things for themselves but they will, even if they do have parental help for house buying or whatever. There will be plenty of situations in which they'll be on their own in the future.

HicDraconis · 13/09/2018 23:11

Have never received financial help from my parents - had jobs to fund my way through uni, took out large loans and then paid them off when I was working. We saved for our house deposit ourselves (was a self build project) and I got the deposit for the land by working crazy hours through an agency in my annual leave from my main job.

We are now reasonably comfortable in terms of income and debt servicing (it's only the mortgage) so I am hoping to be able to help my children far more.

LanaorAna2 · 13/09/2018 23:11

Pretty much everyone who buys property has family help - despite what you'll read on MN.

Family who can help but don't aren't high on my respect list. No good for anyone and an incredibly silly way to handle money. Still, prepared to be called grabby (not that anyone's lining up to assist me :)).

whiteroseredrose · 13/09/2018 23:12

My DstepF lent me the deposit on my first flat as it made the mortgage much more affordable. The flat was in London so the price rocketed and I was able to pay back when I sold and moved in with (now) DH.

Now my DC are mid to late teens I hope that we can help them when the time comes.

If you have the means I don't know why you wouldn't give you DC a bit of help.

toxic44 · 13/09/2018 23:18

I never had any financial help from my parents; my mother sold me her house at slightly-above market value even though she knew that would leave me skint. SO had not a bean from his family either, not even when his father died (his brothers were head of the queue). I can't say I care. What we have is ours and we don't have to feel obliged to anyone. Let parents do what they will, it's their money. Thanks be, if I need money, I can earn it.

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