AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

OP YANBU - it's hard not to notice what's going on around you.

My parents were quite strict about money as we were growing up and very keen not to spoil us, and it did give me a good work ethic and make me self-sufficient.

Since they've become elderly though (and my two DCs have become teenagers) they don't need much money and have become very generous. Me and my DP are in our late 40s and both self-employed and it has now affected our motivation to a large extent.

For this reason I'd advise by all means giving your DCs help with housing and further education if you're able, but reign it in after that while your DCs are young, so they can learn to be independent.

My children both got jobs while they were in 6th form. They worked their way through university. I gave them a small amount of money each month. They both have good jobs now and have mortgages on their own homes. If I could have afforded to I may have given them a couple of grand to go towards their deposits but that would have been it. I wanted my children to know they had to work hard in life to get what they want and that's what they've done. But now if I won a lot of money (because that's the only way I'll ever get a lot of money) I'd pay their mortgages off. But only because they've worked so hard to get where they are.

My parents have only found themselves in a financially stable position since their own parents died, they certainly didn't have spare money when I was in my twenties and buying a first house, car etc.

They did 'loan' me £2k to buy a replacement car about ten years ago when I'd just split up from XH. They also loaned £300 for a washing machine but I paid that back.

Now, I'm torn - I'm know they could help us out financially, there is so much we could fund therapy-wise for our son, but I don't like to ask. It's embarrassing for us to ask them for help, we're middle aged and they didn't have help when they were our age. So instead I just drip hints into the conversation, and see whether those hints are picked up - nearly always not.

And the long term outcome is always in my head. They're not the kind to leave it all to a charity.

My parents gave me nothing towards my first house bought recently (I'm 36). In fact I've never had any financial assistance, even though on paper they're millionaires. I'm actually really grateful they didn't - everything I own is down to my hard work only and I feel very proud of that. I think that because I knew I was never getting any money it made me think seriously about what I was gonna do with my life and how I was going to be successful, as I would have no other means of wealth.

I was very lucky growing up in a wealthy family and realise that I can never give my child the life I had. My husband and I worked very hard but we have a tiny fixer upper that we can't really afford to fix up! Our friends and in laws constantly talk about us getting extensions and buying a bigger new build because they assume we'll receive money from my family. I do feel a little annoyed when I hear about mobile dog pedicures services being used and money generally being wasted but it isn't my money.

My parents paid for my wducation and helped with wedding and house deposits
I hope i am able to do the same for my kids
This is typical in my culture though

My mother helped my sister but not me.

Now in our 40s, sister is back to renting (easy come easy go, she sold and rented to try and get a bargain as a FTB but blew the money, so still renting 10 years on) but I have a property in central London worth nearly 4 x what I paid.

Coincidentally a similar thing happened to my SILs. Oldest SIL was helped out and lost her house (repossessed). Youngest SIL bought hers ten years later, saved for every penny herself, and still owns it.

Sometimes making it too easy for someone means it loses its value...

We are able to give each of our DCs a substantial sum to buy their first house. DH & I did not have any help of this sort ourselves and often discuss how such gifts can have unintended consequences (reduced motivation to work hard etc). However as all our DCs have always worked very hard to get good qualifications/jobs we are fairly sure it will not have a negative effect on them

Someone (Warren Buffett? Bill Gates?) once said, "You should give your children enough money to do anything, but not enough to do nothing" which more or less sums up the dilemma.

My parents lent us the deposit for our first home (£7k), but we paid them paid in monthly installments over 5 years until it was repaid in full. That was a condition of the loan.

What me and DH we have worked and saved for ourselves. No help from parents and in laws because they simply can't afford it. It's much more gratifying to not have any help and I think we appreciate it more. I do hope we can help our DS when the time comes though

In an ideal world it would be lovely if parents could all help. I know I would love it if I were in the financial position of doing so but realistically I doubt we would even be able to buy somewhere until my eldest is 14- and that would be with moving 2.5 hours away. We don’t even currently have any pension provisions, but hopefully things will start improving for us in the next few years when my exams finish, work picks up and the younger children are at full time school.

My sibling just made an offer on a house but didn’t tell anyone he actually had a £25k short full in the finances so dropped it on our grandparent (who was already giving him a generous sum) that he actually needs 20% more at the last minute, then practically frog marched my parents to the bank for a large loan to cover the rest- he originally said he would pay it back in a year then enquired about a 10 year term on the loan. His justification to them was that their mortgage was ending this year so they can afford it