AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

My parents helped me with a flat deposit but it was a loan, not a gift.

My parents helped me through six years of university, paid a substantial deposit to help me get on the property ladder, help with nursery fees, etc. They're not hugely well off but they're happy to make sacrifices to make my life easier, which I'm incredibly grateful for. DH's parents have a similar level of wealth but DH has never received any financial help whatsoever because he is one of 5 siblings, whereas I'm an only child. They are, however, incredibly supportive emotionally, with childcare, etc, and to me that is just as valuable.

I can see it both ways. Its nice to be able to help your children if you can. At the same time it isn't a good idea that they ever expect it. There's a lot to be said for having managed on not a lot through some tough times.

My DSis is constantly being bailed out by my parents. She now simply expects it.

Both sets of parents helped us onto the housing ladder, we were renting a house that didn't allow young children and had an unexpected pregnancy so it was very very much appreciated. They gifted us 5k each and we topped it up with a help to buy isa. We moved into our house just before the baby was born. I'm not sure how we'd be living now if they didn't help us as the rent was crippling without having a child, it's still hard at times as my dp (main earner) is self employed and we're never sure what we'll be living on one month to the next but at least our mortgage is 50% less than the rented house.

My parents have worked very hard and invested wisely. We were by no means well off growing up, but now they’re really comfortable.

My brother had an interest free loan from them to buy his first car. Think he paid about half of it back before my dad said stop. And then they gave me the same amount he’d been let off repaying.

DH and I have only needed help once. We needed a new work van, found one but couldn’t get the loan organised in time, we would have lost the van. So my dad gave us the money to buy the van till our loan came through, then we paid him back.

Yes we have struggled from time to time, the last 2 years have been very tough, but I don’t think I could bring myself to ask ‘can I have some money’ . A loan, maybe, but I don’t know how I would even word the question of them just giving it us because they can afford it.

My very wealthy parents don't seem to be inclined to help us financially. They constantly tell me I'll be a multi millionaire when they die though, women in my family live into their 100s so I'll be very old myself by the time I benefit. In their position I would help my DC get on the property ladder without hesitation, and would pay uni fees so they don't have debt hanging over them. My peers who have parents with similar levels of wealth have all had uni fees paid, and a first flat/house bought while they were studying with spare rooms rented to friends for income. We've struggled hugely at times and it makes you feel shit that your parents will just watch it happening and do nothing even though the cost of helping would be pocket change to them and life changing for us. They've helped other family members out buying houses for them, but I think that because I've dropped out of university and had a baby in my early twenties I'm essentially scum in their eyes and worth no further investment (my expensive education is held over me often). My sibling on the other hand has everything paid for by my parents, will have no debt. It's really deeply hurtful, and part of the reason I'm not having any more DC, I couldn't bear DD feeling how I do because of favouritism.

Never received any financial help from my mum when she was alive - once I left for uni, that was that. She didn’t have any money and I wouldn’t have expected anything, although my brother used her as an atm constantly.

However, we only own a house now because my mum died and she had life insurance to cover her mortgage. Can’t imagine we would have ever been able to afford a house without that help, but I’d rather have my Mum here.

Mine were never in a position to help to the extent of funding cars, house deposits etc, however they did help me through university and assisted with other costs from time to time. Grateful for their help but never expected it.

My parents paid my younger sister's first flat deposit and went guarantor on it for the first 4 years. They didn't do the same for me 'because they didn't realise it would feel stressful worrying about the rent being paid'. Quite understand this, but I'm still hurt and resentful about it (a bit) 20 years on.
PIL look after SILs children full time and pay for their family holidays every year 'because otherwise they wouldn't get a holiday'. Entirely their own choice (their money), but I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel a bit like 'every other fucker seems to be getting help, why not me?'. It feels as if almost everyone we know has ILs helping childcare or paying for bits of things. I know I'm a grumpy and jealous bugger, but it does really nip my head now and then.

I think it would be grabby to expect it but it's perfectly normal and understandable to wish it was the case.

There's no money in my family but I do feel envious when other people get the helping hand from their parents. Though not if they inherit - as I'd rather have my parents than anything.

*The one thing me and my siblings resent though is never being told the realities of the housing market and the importance of savings.

We knew nothing about mortgages, owning your house etc and we feel even if you cannot afford to help your child get on the housing ladder, you should at least give them knowledge and we were failed there big time.*

I don't think anyone really gets this explained to them as a child? I certainly didn't. But once you start working and paying rent, it all becomes clear pretty quickly.

My parents are wealthy but apart from help with uni costs and wedding have never given us anything. They could certainly afford to but they choose not to. Luckily for them, my sibs and I have done quite well, property-wise. But I do feel a bit resentful Of those who are mortgage-free at my age due to parental help, or whose parents are happy to pay for their kid’s school fees. My mum keeps intimating that they’ll help the dcs when they go to uni but I’ve a feeling that won’t happen!

I certainly plan to help our dcs as much as we can afford to.

Btw I know I sound Granny which is why I would never articulate any of that out loud in RL!

Grabby ffs

Cloud oooh, don’t get me started on bailing kids out! SIL has had so much money chucked at her over the years by PIL it’s ridiculous. She’s almost 40 yet they treat her like a teenager, who hasn’t learned to be responsible yet. Apparently she’s not been as ‘lucky’ as DH when it comes to jobs and money. Nope, she earns a perfectly good salary and I think they mistook the work luck for the phrase damn hard work.

We have contributed to weddings and have helped with a small sum towards a house deposit. It's now our time, after working hard for many years, to have some money to spend on ourselves. Sometimes I feel guilty when we spend money but we really shouldn't as no-one ever gave us any money and we lived in great hardship when we bought our first home.

It's not so much whether it's grabby or not - it's about accepting what you can't change. You can't make them give you financial gifts and support, they clearly don't intend to - other people's parents do. You can either feel angry and hurt about this, or make a virtue of necessity. That's how I've chosen to go - I'm proud of the fact that my partner and I bought our house ourselves, without help. It makes me happy to know my parents don't think there's any part of me that is contacting them/being nice to them because I want or need to reach into their pocket.

I had to lend and give my mum a lot of money over the years, quite a lot of which I wrote off in the end. It did make a difference to our relationship - when another adult is dependant on you financially, with the best will in the world both of you are afffected by it.

Be proud you're doing it on your own. It's all you can do and is healthier in the long run than being envious.

I never had help when first buying - all deposits and risk was my own - have had houses with nothing but hand me down furniture (couldn't afford second hand) cooked of camping stoves for a year till could afford the kitchen etc - doesn't seem to be an option for people these days - I often think generations after mine are very risk averse in some ways - most people in the past when taking on a house were stretched and made other economies and certainly weren't out buying lunch in pret for work etc

My parents haven't really helped us financially since we all left home but they help us all with childcare which is invaluable, I am so grateful to them. My inlaws have never once minded the dc (eldest is 14 so I cannot see them starting now haha) but have been incredibly generous financially and we certainly wouldn't be in this house now without their help. We are incredibly lucky.

My parents paid most of my house deposit and they paid for University (I went pre tuition fees but they covered all my accommodation and basic living costs - I had a job for "luxuries").

My parents are very good with money though and had been saving for years. They also inherited a fair sum too.

My Dad made it very clear though that there would be no money for a wedding - so if I wanted a lavish affair that would be up to me to fund (he doesn't believe in spending money on weddings). I think that was entirely fair and I was much happier to have money for something useful than a silly day.
I am married BTW - we just happily did it on the cheap and had no guests!

If I'd had DC then I would have done the same (or as much as possible) as long as it didn't cause me financial difficulty.

I take the same stance as the OP's parents. I think there are far too many young people today that get too much help and grow up with unrealistic expectations and seriously no idea of how to deal with money or life in general.

I've discussed this at length with my OH. We are going to put money in a savings account for our son, and not tell him about it, or give it to him until he is either 18 or 21. This money he can then decide to pay for his education or put it towards buying a house or car. Whatever he does with it, even if he pisses it up the wall, he'll be getting zilch all from us.

When he is a teenager I expect him to get a job and pay for some stuff himself. If he gets pocket money he will need to use this to buy what he wants and not expect a handout from us (obviously not for things like clothes and shoes etc, we will obviously still get stuff like that, along with any expensive items for birthday/christmas etc). But sweets, games etc he'll need to budget for himself.

I don't want a needy, grabby son that expects to be handed everything on a plate. I have seen children like that grow up and they aren't very nice people.

My parents were unable to help me out financially at all and I never expected it
I don’t have much money myself but help DC when I can
If I had more spare I would help them more - why wouldn’t I? I’ve struggled all my life it would be lovely if they didn’t have to

most people in the past when taking on a house were stretched
You think people today arent?? When the average house price is over £200k but the average salary is under £30k? Would be interested to know what the ratio was when you bought your first house and what percent deposit you needed for it?

and certainly weren't out buying lunch in pret for work etc
Honestly, a £4 sandwich a few times a week is not going to solve the housing crisis or compensate for £9k a year uni fees. I say this as an avid 'bring my own lunch' as I work in the middle of nowhere.

IL’s have helped us out with an interest free loan (fully repaid). However they bought SIL a flat outright (no expectation of being rrapid). Apparently she needs it more .
My dad has helped us out in the past, he once hit a substantial PPI refund and gave it to us as it was money he didn’t know he was owed and didn’t need and thought we would benefit more from. However he has now remarried and has young step children living at home and significantly less disposable income.
We help my mum out, she’s early 60’s in a full time minimum wage job and mortgage until she’s 70’so we’re trying to overpay her mortgage for her so she can finish work earlier.

Oh I should have said, I fully intend to help my DC out as much as possible.